NOT ALL AUSSIES

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has made a last minute change to the country’s latest advertising campaign to attract more Australian holiday makers to our shores. 

The new slogan “Everyone Must Go” has drawn some attention from marketing practitioners, with many questioning the quality of the slogan, as well as the $500,000 price tag charged to the taxpayers. 

Late this afternoon however, Luxon decided to make it clear that when we say “Everyone Must Go”, what we really mean is “Everyone except David Warner”, referring to the widely-hated Australian batsman. 

“At the end of the day it’s about transparency. We don’t want David Warner to get the wrong idea about how we feel about him,” he told reporters.

“What I will say is this: David Warner is a terrible human being, and I think I speak for all New Zealanders when I say we don’t want him here.”

Luxon assured the public that while the original advertising slogan cost half a million dollars, the late changes won’t cost a thing.

“No there was no extra charge, because I just went into the word doc and made the changes myself. With tracked changes on, of course.”

David Warner was not approached for comment because no one wanted to talk to him.

More to come. 

The post Slogan To Attract Australian Tourists Changed To “Everyone Must Go Except For You David Warner” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHAT?!

Palmerston North local, Hayden Cutts has revealed that he holds the shocking belief that he can be financially successful in New Zealand instead of Australia. 

The 19 year old building apprentice is going against a very gritty grain by having a positive view of his country’s future. Hayden took a break from the weekend hours he had picked up to talk to reporters.

“Ha I actually like my job. I’m learning lots. My boss says I’m doing well and I’ll move up the chain in the next couple of years,” he said, ignoring the looks of horror on the faces of nearby New Zealanders. 

Hayden’s long term view is to stay in the country and eventually become a master builder with his own company. He acknowledged the attractiveness of Australia for many young men like himself, but took a balanced view. 

“Yep, lots of money to be made in Aussie for sure. But the downside to that is you actually have to live in Australia. I’d have to find a whole new group of friends and they’d probably all be Australian,” said Hayden while wincing at the thought of it. 

“There’s money to be made here, you just have to work for it. Do it for the country!” he laughed.

Hayden has naturally upset friends and family alike by not moving to Perth to do mining. His cousin Damian had somehow become angry about the whole situation.

“Oh Hayden’s an idiot. He’s a hard worker so it’s actually just weird that he’s not moving to Australia to make way more money. What’s he even up to?” he asked dismissively.

“My mate Aaron’s over there making shitloads working as a cleaner! Says he does farrk all and usually gets to go home early and start drinking. I’m moving over there in March!

Damian believes Hayden’s been listening to too much of the financial literacy podcast “Keep the Change”. 

“Meanwhile bloody Hayden keeps talking about ‘adding value’ and ‘investing in himself’ like he’s bloody Luke Kemeys. Just move to Aussie ya dumb c***!”

As Damian trailed off to continue scrolling Tiktok, Hayden cut the interview short to go and add more value to the country. 

More to come. 

The post Ambitious Young New Zealander Shocks Nation By Not Moving To Australia appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HEY SORRY TO HEAR THAT!

New Zealanders have wholeheartedly offered their condolences to Australians who are all of a sudden suffering pain at the petrol pump, with prices going up to a whopping $2.21 for Unleaded 91.

This is noting of course that the kiwi dollar has been worth around ninety-something Australian cents for the last 6-7 years.

Our reporters caught up with locals filling their tanks at the Whakataki Challenge station, who had an outpouring of sympathy to our great mates across the ditch.

“Oh wow, $2.21 did you say? Gee, do they have a Give A Little or a Go Fund Me page? I’ll send them a donation right now!” Kyle Walker, 33, said in a believably sympathetic tone. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me? Tell them to fuel up now – it may even get to $2.30 in Aussie at this rate. I hope they’ll be able to survive!” Anna Collins, 26, who regularly fills her tank at a significantly higher price than that.

“Omg, thoughts and prayers! Anything I can do for them?” said Cayley Watkins, 23, in a melodramatically concerned display. 

All three who gave comments to The Whakataki Times then helplessly watched as their total fuel bill ticked upwards at $3.20 per litre, as they slowly but surely lost the will to live. 

More to come.

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