COUCH COUNTDOWN

31-year-old Matt Hill, from Nelson, has yet to secure any New Year’s Eve plans.

“I’m just hoping someone’s doing something,” he said. “Maybe a BBQ, maybe a quiet drink somewhere. I don’t know. I’m open to suggestions. It’s just hard to know what everyone’s up to these days.”

Matt’s friends are largely married or burdened with children, which makes spontaneous partying something akin to a mythical creature from his twenties. 

Back then, New Year’s Eve involved ringing in the countdown drunk in Nelson’s night club and the occasional sprint across town to make it to another party before 3am. Now, the most he can hope for is a gathering that officially ends before 7:30pm so his friends’ kids can get to bed.

His optimism spiked briefly when a friend, Damo, mentioned a potential backyard BBQ. “He said he might have a thing,” Matt admitted, eyes lighting up. “But apparently it finishes by 7:30 because, you know, kids. But still, it’s something.

Despite the scaled-back festivities, Matt remains hopeful. “Maybe someone else will text. Maybe there’s a wild idea hiding in a group chat somewhere. You never know,” he said while jealously thinking of his parents in their early 60s who were going to be having drinks at a bar and watching the countdown on Nelson’s Church Cathedral.

When pressed about what he’ll do if nothing materializes, Matt shrugged. “Well, as long as I have some beers in the fridge, I’m sure I’ll find some random A-League or Big Bash cricket game to watch.”

More to come. 

The post NO PLANS YET: Local Bloke Still Pretending He’ll Be Invited Somewhere For New Year’s appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CASE CLOSED

Sitting on his well-worn stool at his local pub in Shirley, Christchurch, 62-year-old Barry Binstead loudly declared that he could wrap up the Tom Phillips saga “by smoko tomorrow, no worries.”

Phillips, the Marokopa man missing with his three children since December 2021, has recently been linked to two alleged burglaries, the latest occurring on Wednesday at a Piopio superette. But according to Binstead, police are simply “not thinking outside the square.”

“They’ve had three years, millions of dollars, helicopters, drones, all that bloody technology,” Barry explained while squinting at the Stuff article on his cracked Samsung Galaxy. “Me? I’d just get in the Corolla, chuck the dog in the back, and track him down easy as.”

Binstead, who has never worked in law enforcement but did once chase a mate’s escaped goat through Shirley in the late ’90s, believes his approach would be more efficient than the current police operation.

“You’ve gotta think like Tom,” he told the bar, now mostly captive to his theory. “If I was hooning around on a quad bike stealing milk at two in the morning, I’d be hiding out in a woolshed or an old shipping container. That’s where you start. Not these bloody news conferences.”

Patrons report that this isn’t the first time Barry has outlined his plan. “He brings it up every time there’s a new story,” said fellow drinker Wayne Prentice. “Last time it was, ‘I’d smoke him out with a couple of gas bottles and a packet of sausages.’ Before that, it was, ‘Just get the boys from Shirley Rugby Club, job done.’”

Barry insists he would not only capture Phillips but also deliver him to the nearest police station before the kettle boiled. “By smoko, easy. Cops just need to give me the green light. And a bit of petrol money.”

When asked whether he was concerned about Phillips’ history with firearms, Barry waved off the risk. “Mate, he’d take one look at me and pack it in. I’ll smoke Tom Phillips out by smoko tomorrow if the police would let me!”

More to come. 

The post Old Boy At The Pub Says He’d Have Tom Phillips In Handcuffs By Smoko Tomorrow appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FADED FAME

Party guests at a Rotorua house party continue to suffer under the weight of Matt Jacobson’s unwavering commitment to keeping 2008 alive —the year the now 34-year-old claims he “really peaked” in both rugby and cricket at Rotorua Boys’ High School.

Despite the passing of 17 years, a shift in friend groups, and the advent of smartphones, Jacobson continues to bring up his brief stints in the school’s 1st XV and 1st XI as if they occurred last season and had any bearing on his current life, which mostly involves admin work and some low-level weekday social sport.

“I mean, I didn’t start every 1st XV game,” Jacobson clarified unprompted at a recent housewarming in Tauranga. “But I was always ready to come off the bench. I was what you’d call a real impact player – oi Johnny, do you remember that chip and chase try I got against Hamilton Boys High?” Jacobson said, while trying to re-enact a move he did 17 years ago. 

Our reporters inside the flat spoke to some party guests who began to feel a sense of deja vu as he continued to tell the same story..

 “He steered the whole chat from interest rates and his current job to the 2008 Rotorua 1st XV vs Hamilton Boys’ grudge match,” said one guest.

Jacobson’s cricket anecdotes have also seen an aggressive resurgence in recent months, with particular focus on a “one-off innings of 41 not out,  he achieved batting at seven in a wet midweek Gillette Cup game.

“Mate, I just saw it like a beach ball that day,” Jacobson explained for what seemed like the fifth time in two hours. “Dropped on 3, yes, but after that it was carnage. Even the coach said it was tidy. Real tidy innings for a number seven.”

Our reporters decided not to ask for more comments, but were scared off the property after Jacobson kept asking us if we wanted more quotes from him.

More to come. 

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The post Bloke Still Bringing Up High School Sporting Career At Every Party Like It’s Relevant appeared first on The Whakataki Times.