GIVEN UP ON REALITY 

Labour leader Chris Hipkins, who has already been prime minister, is apparently still keen to get back in the hot seat after announcing free public transport for everybody. 

Undeterred by claims by the evil Coalition that this is just a “lolly scramble”, Hipkins believes this could be the best Labour result since 2020.

“In 2020, we only had one policy, and that was one extra public holiday. And it was Matariki, so everyone felt great about it because it was Maori,” he told reporters. 

“This time round, it’s capped public transport fees. Everyone will love it, everyone will vote for it. Don’t ask me what it costs because I don’t know and it’s not even relevant at this point.”

Under the Labour policy, once you spend $20 on trains or buses, you’ll get unlimited free travel for the rest of the week. Which should be absolutely fine and have no unintended consequences. 

“In politics, it’s not about what you do. It’s about what you say you’ll do. If people vote for free trains and buses and something goes wrong with that, well the public voted for it so it’s hardly going to be my fault,” said Hipkins as he reached for his handy 600 mL coke. 

When pushed on how much this would all cost, Hipkins was philosophical. 

“Well you know they say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. But under Labour, if you’re in Wellington and you’ve already spent $20 on trains by Wednesday, then you’ll get free rides until Sunday night,” he said before apparently heading towards an open bakery for a giant sausage roll. 

While some say Hipkins and Labour have run out of ideas, other say they’ve just stopped giving a f***. The one thing that is clear is that it’s election season, and the most important thing for all these people is getting elected. 

More to come. 

The post Labour Promises Unlimited Free Transport Because At This Stage Who Even Cares appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SIMPLER TIMES

Labour leader Chris “Chippy” Hipkins has been spotted outside a bakery in Upper Hutt this afternoon, quietly reflecting on how he used to have “a much more manageable news cycle”.

Standing just outside the door, Hipkins was seen gazing into the cabinet at a row of jumbo sausage rolls, appearing less tempted to eat one, and more interested in what they once represented.

“Back then it was easy,” Hipkins said, hands in pockets. “You grab a sausage roll, crack a 600 mL Coke, and suddenly that’s the story for three days.”

The Opposition leader reportedly lingered for several minutes, reflecting on the latest allegations made by his ex wife on social media, yearning for simpler times.

“There’d be no allegations, no statements, no clarifications. Just pastry and vibes,” he added.

Witnesses say Hipkins briefly nodded to himself, as if mentally engineering a return to old fashioned, fluff-based distraction.

“People loved it. Kiwi bloke, sausage roll, bit of sauce on the shirt. That was enough,” he continued. “You didn’t have to say anything because the media would just make something up for you.”

Insiders say he has been “quietly exploring options” to reintroduce baked goods into the national conversation, with plans including a highly visible lunch stop in one of the shittier parts of Lower Hutt.

“There’s something honest about it,” Hipkins said, still staring through the glass. “You can’t fake a sausage roll moment.”

Hipkins has now apparently moved his regular comms team catch up forward a day to share his pastry-based re-re-brand. 

More to come. 

The post Chris Hipkins Quietly Making Plan To Bring Media Focus Back On Sausage Rolls appeared first on The Whakataki Times.