HOLIDAY HARSHIP

Jaxon Donovan, 16, a King’s College student from Auckland, has admitted he is feeling the pinch of the “rising cost of living” after his family announced they would not be taking a third overseas holiday this year.

Speaking from his bedroom in his parents’ $4.4 million Remuera home, which overlooks the family’s private tennis courts, Jaxon explained that while he’s enjoyed trips to Bali and Greece, he had been hoping for a third European adventure, including stops in Venice and Rome.

“I was really looking forward to possibly going to Italy,” he said, scrolling through photos on his iPhone 17 from his previous trips. “I mean, Bali and Greece were great, but I was hoping to squeeze in another proper Europe trip before the end of the year. Looks like that’s not happening. Far out. Must be tough out there for everyone.”

When asked about his plans for coping, Jaxon said he might consider spending more time at the family bach in Wanaka. 

“It’s basically like a second overseas trip if you squint,” he said wistfully, “but still… not quite Italy is it?” Jaxon sighed.

His mother  Anna who was at the nail salon, weighed in on her decision to not do a third family holiday.

“I told him, ‘Jaxon, think of it this way: two holidays is actually more than most people get in a year.’ He looked at me like I’d suggested we cancel Christmas,” she explained while looking at $4,000 Gucci handbags online as she will not be travelling to Italy to get one this time.

More to come. 

The post King’s Boy Feeling The Cost Of Living Pinch After Only Getting Two Overseas Trips This Year appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CROWN THE KINGS NOW

Crusaders fans are genuinely getting impatient now.

The 14 time champions will have to play another rugby match against Chiefs this Saturday to then lift the 2025 Super Rugby Pacific Trophy.

The match, which will be played in Christchurch — aka the most statistically secure rugby stronghold on the planet when it comes to knockout games — marks the Crusaders’ eighth home final and comes after their 31st consecutive home playoff win, a tense 21-14 victory over the Blues.

Our reporters hit the streets of Christchurch and spoke to members of the red and black army about what they thought of this weekend’s extra match. 

“What more do they want?” asked one fan. “We’ve never lost a home playoff — that’s 31 in a row. It’s basically science at this point. Making us play another one is just delaying the inevitable.”

Longtime fan Millie Davies agreed.

“It’s actually disrespectful at this point. We beat the Blues, again. Will Jordan scored, again. It’s the same story every year. Just hand us the bloody trophy now and save the other team the inevitable disappointment of losing a Super Rugby final.”

One-eyed Cantab Craig Chamberlain was less measured.

“This is a bloody insult!” he roared. They should be handing us the trophy in the tunnel, not making us run around for 80 minutes! Here’s a new format idea for next year. The rest of the competition should just play knockout rounds to see who gets the honour of losing to us in the final!”

More to come. 

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The post Crusaders Fans Gutted About Extra Game Before Trophy Lift appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALPHA MALE MAYHEM

The latest internet debate has taken a bizarre turn, and it’s causing havoc at the Orana Wildlife Park in Christchurch.

“We’ve had more calls in the past 24 hours than we’ve had in the last month,” said Kelly Tate, Orana Wildlife Park’s zookeeper. “It’s absolutely insane. Men are calling non-stop, insisting that 100 of them can totally take on one of our gorillas. What is going on?”

Men from all walks of life are convinced they’re the ones who can bring down the mighty beast, despite gorillas being up to ten times stronger than humans and carrying up to twice the muscle mass. A viral internet question has been doing the rounds over the past week, asking if 100 men could take down a gorilla.

Our reporters were outside Orana Wildlife Park as groups of men began to make their way to the front gate, most of them wearing well worn Crusaders jerseys.

“I bench 120 kilos, so what’s a gorilla? A couple of us will distract it, while the rest of us go for the knees,” said Mark “The Tank” Johnson, a 32-year-old  from Lincoln.

“We’ve done worse on the rugby field. A gorilla’s just a big bloke with a lot of hair. We’ve got the upper hand,” he insisted, oblivious to the fact he would be close to death if he tried to take on a gorilla. 

The staff at Orana Park, however, were less than impressed, with zookeeper Kelly again pleading with men to stop turning up at the zoo. “This is getting out of control,” she said 

“These men have no idea what they’re getting themselves into. Gorillas are not to be messed with. Why do men insist on these kinds of stupid things?”

While the group’s men continued their confident banter, Orana Park’s staff remained resolute in their stance. “We’re here to protect these animals, not put on a fight night. Honestly, can we just get back to internet questions like if the dress was white and gold or black and blue?”

More to come. 

The post Christchurch’s Orana Wildlife Park Inundated With Men Wanting To Fight Their Gorillas appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CRUSADE ON

29-year-old Tim Riley has made it clear that he’s “pretty open” to meeting new folks in Christchurch.

However they must meet one very important criteria. They need to hail from Christchurch, ideally from his very own suburb of Fendalton, and preferably have attended Christchurch Boys’ High.

“Look, I’m not saying I don’t like people from outside Christchurch, it’s just that I get Christchurch people.  I mean, how am I supposed to trust someone who doesn’t know what it’s like to be stuck in traffic on Papanui Road.

Tim was quick to explain that if someone’s not from Fendalton, his suburb, it’s an even bigger hurdle.

 “It’s like, if you don’t know where the best place for a post-work pint is in Merivale, or if you’ve never had an awkward run-in with a mate’s ex at Ballantynes, how are we supposed to relate?”

“If someone’s not from Christchurch, that’s, like, 50% of what I’m looking for in a friendship already gone,” he said, nodding as though this were an unassailable fact.

When asked if his criteria would ever extend to someone from, say, Auckland or Wellington, Tim wasn’t having it.

“Aucklanders? They try, but they’ll never get the pride we have for the Crusaders. And Wellington? Don’t even get me started,” Tim said, rolling his eyes.

More to come. 

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The post Christchurch Bloke Reckons He’s Pretty Open To New People, As Long As They’re From Christchurch appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOLISTIC HYPOCRISY

Hannah Davies, a self-proclaimed wellness guru who regularly preaches the benefits of clean living, organic eating, and spiritual alignment, has temporarily shelved her core beliefs in order to get absolutely sideways at Christchurch’s Electric Avenue festival.

“I always say wellness is about balance,” she chirped, adjusting her ethically sourced linen two-piece. “And sometimes, balance means hoofing a questionable capsule from a guy named Damo at a festival.”

Electric Ave is an ever growing popular music festival held at Hagley Park, which often sees pill testing take place prior to people entering the event which will likely see 30,000 people attend the sold out event each day. 

Despite spending the past six months warning her Instagram followers about the dangers of processed foods and non-organic sunscreen, Davies seemed untroubled by the provenance of the suspiciously crumbly pill she had just palmed. 

“I usually just stick to my plant-based diet, but tonight, I’m feeling like, what’s the harm in exploring other dimensions of wellness?” Davies continued, her voice rising slightly in excitement. “Just a little something to elevate the experience, y’know?”

More to come. 

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SCHOOLING THE SYSTEM

Sophie Cooper, a happy go-lucky go-getter had no idea her lack of Christchurch school history would leave her on the fringes of the city’s social circles.

The 26 year-old had recently relocated from Wellington for a job and was expecting to make friends with nearly everyone she would meet, just like she had done for years living in the Bohemian suburb of Newtown.

“It started innocently enough,” Sophie explained. “I overheard colleagues planning a group dinner, so I casually mentioned I was free and keen to meet some people as I’d just moved down here. That’s when someone said, ‘Oh, it’s just a few of us from Christ’s College and the girls from Rangiruru from our year.’ I wasn’t sure if that was a joke or a firm no.”

Determined not to let Christchurch’s cliquish culture defeat her, Sophie decided it was futile trying to get an invite to a private event, so instead refocused her energy on joining one of the city’s “run clubs”. 

“I found the run club awesome and I try to go twice a week at the moment. It’s called Social Striders. I also joined a pottery class, a quiz team, and will probably try to get into a bowls club if it means someone will add me to the group chat.” 

Despite the setbacks, Sophie remains optimistic. “I’ve learned to introduce myself with a light-hearted disclaimer,” she said. “Something like, ‘Hi, I didn’t grow up or go to school here, but I promise I’m not weird or a Hamiltonian.’ That seems to help.”

More to come.  

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The post Christchurch Newcomer Desperately Joins Multiple Social Clubs To Compensate For Zero Local School History appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NEW YEAR’S EVE DISASTER!

Alice Robertson, 22, had her New Year’s Eve plans completley derailed this afternoon.

“Are you fucking serious? I’m so done!” she barked at an empty shelf in the chiller at Turner’s Liquor Store.

Roberston’s severe depressive episode began after confirmation that the Peach Passion Fruit and Soda flavour, better known as ‘The Purple Pals cans’ were entirely out-of-stock.

“I mean, what is life? Literally. I just can’t even”, she explained to the Whakataki Times reporters in her ‘basic bitch syndrome’ language.

The Christchurch local, who hails from Merivale, was then left with no option but to purchase a 10 Pack of the 330 mL Lime and Soda Pals in the green cans. She was resigned to the fact that this flavour would not enhance her social media presence in any way, as they don’t look as good on Instagram as the purple ones.

‘New Year’s over. Rip’ she posted to some close friends on Snapchat who would soon be fully aware of her unfolding disaster.

Robertson, who was also sporting a fake tan that didn’t show up as well as she would have liked, explained that her life was now over because she couldn’t stomach being seen with green Pals cans, when the purple ones look so much better on Instagram.

“I mean for reals,  but actually though, like what am I actually gonna post now? Can’t be seen. LITERALLY!”

Before the Whakataki Times could seek further comment, Robertson was already zoned out and drafting a caption for a new photo, “New year, new me”.

More to come.

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