FINANCIAL PRUNING

Outside the Beehive today, the nation’s mythical “magic money tree” was seen finally meeting its maker, as Finance Minister Nicola Willis was spotted dragging away what remained of it, dressed in her signature “grim reaper couture”.

Willis reportedly hacked the tree to death with a level of glee she will likely achieve when she eventually does the same to Wellington’s public service bureaucracy. 

From the magic tree’s remains, the Government has managed to harvest a modest yield: $5.5 billion for health, including bowel cancer screening extensions and a future South Auckland hospital site secured in principle, pending alignment of all earthly and celestial conditions.

A further $3 billion was extracted for Defence, mostly spent before it hit the ground on fleet upgrades, personnel pay rises, and general “we should’ve done this earlier” maintenance.

Road cones were quietly repositioned as $1.7 billion was allocated to bypass a dangerous stretch of State Highway 1, while rail received just over a billion .

When asked about the overall tone of the Budget, Willis reportedly paused beside the stump of the magic tree and said, “Look, if it’s magic, it should grow back. If it doesn’t, then maybe it turns out you can’t just borrow money forever with no downside.”

Opposition Leader Chris Hipkins responded by calling the Budget “out of touch”, adding that the Government was ignoring everyday pressures, before reportedly muttering, “There used to be more of that magic tree when I was in charge.”

As for the magic money tree, sources say it may regrow in time for next year’s Budget.  

More to come.

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BOOKING BUST

New Zealand was thrown into further mild confusion yesterday after Leigh Hart confirmed he too would not be returning to TVNZ Breakfast, just hours after Christopher Luxon pulled out of his regular slot.

“I just think it’s time to move on,” said Hart, standing in front of a suspiciously corporate-looking backdrop. “Case-by-case basis now. Mainly cases where I’m not there.”

“Look, I’ve always said media standards matter. And having standards isn’t that hard really, it’s pretty standard. Recently… things haven’t been up to scratch, and they haven’t really been up to standard either.”

Hart confirmed he would still be appearing on alternative platforms.

“I’ll continue my regular interviews with Mike Hosking, my neighbour Gary, and my podcast co-host Matt Ward. So nothing really changes there.”

Despite the absence, Hart reassured viewers the show would go on.

“New Zealanders want balance. They want accuracy and they want trust. And they want to know whether I’m the Prime Minister or just a guy who looks like him from a distance. Frankly, so do I.”

At press time, Hart confirmed he would consider a return under strict conditions.

“Yeah look, never say never. If they meet my demands, have slightly less tricky questions, and maybe just let me host it, then we’ll revisit.”

More to come.

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BACKING EACH OTHER

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has confirmed National MPs will now hold regular “compliment circles”, following what he described as the “strong foundation” created by this week’s successful leadership confidence vote.

Speaking to media, Luxon said the vote had already given the team a noticeable lift, but there was an opportunity to “build on that energy in a more deliberate way.”

“Look what I will say is we’ve seen what a quick show of hands can do for morale,” he said. “But if you sit everyone down in a circle on the carpet and really take the time to say what you appreciate about each other, that’s where the real growth happens, you know?”

Under the new approach, MPs will remove their shoes, sit cross-legged, and take turns offering affirmations to the person beside them, while maintaining eye contact for “a respectful but slightly uncomfortable amount of time.”

Finance Minister Nicola Willis says she’s already prepared a few lines.

“I’ve got one for Chris about his energy, and one for Todd about how he always brings a kind of quiet determination to things,” she said. “It’s just about recognising the little things people do ay.”

Luxon confirmed the exercise will include a “talking object,” likely a soft toy or small cushion, which MPs must hold while speaking.

“You can’t interrupt when someone’s got the cushion,” he said. “That’s a big part of it. It teaches patience and active listening, and I think we can all improve on that.”

A senior staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said early sessions had already shown promise.

“There was some giggling at first, but once they got into it, you could see some of them really needed this,” the staffer said. “A few of the men were sitting there like they hadn’t been told they were doing a good job since 1998.”

Luxon says the initiative is about ensuring the caucus enters the election year feeling “grounded, supported, and ready to win.”

More to come.

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STRANGELY FAMILIAR

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon is reportedly “pulled out the big guns”, after more disappointing poll results this last week. He believes that his “pale, stale and male” label is the one major thing holding National back at the moment. 

“Sometimes it’s the surface level things that need to be freshened up,” he told reporters, who were mostly interested in concocting some kind of behind-the-scenes leadership challenge. “This new look I’ve put together is fresh and fun, but also has that exciting 2017-type vibe.”

Luxon said his makeover was not inspired by anything or anyone in particular, but that it is something “fresh and original” and “a little bit out there, sure”. 

“Ha yes the hair is a lot, i know, but that’s sort of what you do in 2026. The androgynous look is very in, especially if you look at pop stars like Harry Styles”.

When pushed again on whether his new look was inspired by one particular political figure, who he may share most of his views with, Luxon stared blankly. “Ha, um, no, this is my own look and it expresses who I really am, and where I stand politically. And actually I reject the premise of the question.”

Luxon says he will continue to lead National towards getting the economy back on track, but that from now on he will be “leading with kindness”. 

“If there’s one thing this world needs right now, it’s for people to be kind to each other. We all have the power to do that. But as prime minister, I feel like I have a different kind of power,” he said completely unironically.  

Luxon then reiterated that he has “the full support of his caucus”, but would not comment on whether he had any job offers from any overseas universities.

More to come. 

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