FAMILY FEUD

Backyard cricket in Nelson has officially reached boiling point as cousins Francis Moore, 14, and Baxter Moore, 16, have begun to blowout with each other in day long cricket matches.

The pair have spent the past seven days playing BYC, a seemingly innocent pastime that has escalated into a near-warzone of sledging, questionable one hand one bounce catches, and sibling trauma.

“It started off chill,” says neighbour and long-time BYC observer, Mrs. Glenda Patterson. “But by day three, Baxter was calling himself ‘the king of spin’ and Francis decided he wasn’t going to walk for anything less than a direct hit to the stumps.”

Reports confirm that some younger siblings have been reduced to tears after getting out in the first over. “It’s rough,” admitted little cousin Charlie, 9, wiping away tears. “I just wanted to hit the ball once and now I don’t think I’ll get another turn at batting for the rest of the week.”

Meanwhile, Mum, Karen Moore, has been attempting to intervene, repeatedly shouting from the kitchen window: “Go play at the park, you two! Stop hitting the house!” Her pleas have so far been ignored, with the rubber tennis ball continuing its assault on the house’s exterior, leaving a trail of dented weatherboards and frayed nerves.

Despite the tension, both Francis and Baxter remain defiant. “I’m not backing down to that pussy,” said Baxter, squaring up to his cousin for another over. “I don’t care if it’s six and out over the fence, I’m aiming for his face.’ Francis, equally resolute, replied: “Whatever I’ll f***in york that c***.”

At the press time both were arguing about if an automatic wicket keeper would have caught the ball Francis nicked.

More to come.

The post REPORT: BYC Growing Quite Tense Between Cousins appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

33-year-old Matt Johnson has again found himself in a state of pure elation as he realised he wouldn’t have to beg, borrow, or steal access to his parents’ SkyGo account to watch the Blackcaps tonight.

Johnson, who is used to asking his parents or one of three brothers for the password, was stoked to find out that the T20 matches against Australia are again free to air on TVNZ and will continue to be for the near future.

This meant Matt could finally escape the clutches of his SkyGo dependency and relish the sweet taste of televised cricket without taking desperate measures.

“How good is this?” Johnson said, firing up his TV without having to login to a SkyGo account, which was often being used by one of his siblings.

Matt’s usual routine involved juggling the conflicting schedules of his three brothers, each vying for control of the coveted SkyGo account to catch their favourite sports events.

“Oh, anytime I want to watch a game I’ve had to fight my brothers for it. This just solves so many problems.”

“Hopefully this lasts for a while. Like the old days!

More to come. 

The post “I’m My Own Man Now”: Local Bloke Enjoys Free To Air Cricket Without Tapping Into Parents’ SkyGo Account appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MAN ON THE STREET

Christopher Luxon was glad to escape the country this week, after getting stung with the realisation that he’s actually not that popular among voters. The latest preferred prime minister poll found that he’s even less popular than Chris Hipkins.

Now in India working on a free trade agreement, the PM spotted an opportunity to turn things around by picking up a cricket bat and being photographed holding it. 

“It worked when we were playing cricket in the hallway at parliament, so why wouldn’t it work in India? Indians love cricket!” Luxon said triumphantly to the international press. 

In 2025 it is fair to say that public image is what makes or breaks a prime minister. So for Luxon, not looking totally un-co while holding a bat goes a long, long way. 

“Ha, Taxpayers Union Curia poll? What Taxpayers Union Curia poll? I’ve probably just 10x’ed  New Zealand’s export revenue, and all while seeing off some pretty average bowling from the local slum dogs.”

Luxon’s extensive comms and social media team are now in talks with parliament staff about how the PM could carry over his newfound likeability. Senior Instagram Advisor Kaylee Donaldson has proposed a re-jig of how press conferences are held. 

“With a bit of luck, the Prime Minister will be taking all future media questions at the crease, while facing full length deliveries from spiteful journalists. We are still negotiating whether this will take place in the hallway again, or if there’s scope for a practice net set up on parliament grounds,” said Ms. Donaldson. 

“We invite all media outlets to come and have a bowl at the Prime Minister, or get in a good position to catch him out – either with a question or off an outside edge.

“What we can tell you, is the more time he spends with a bat in his hands, the better his poll results are.”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by NZHL’s most switched on mortgage advisors. Take back control of your current mortgage or get advice on how to get your first home loan.

The post Prime Minister Becomes Instantly More Likeable And Relatable After Picking Up Cricket Bat appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NOT ALL AUSSIES

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has made a last minute change to the country’s latest advertising campaign to attract more Australian holiday makers to our shores. 

The new slogan “Everyone Must Go” has drawn some attention from marketing practitioners, with many questioning the quality of the slogan, as well as the $500,000 price tag charged to the taxpayers. 

Late this afternoon however, Luxon decided to make it clear that when we say “Everyone Must Go”, what we really mean is “Everyone except David Warner”, referring to the widely-hated Australian batsman. 

“At the end of the day it’s about transparency. We don’t want David Warner to get the wrong idea about how we feel about him,” he told reporters.

“What I will say is this: David Warner is a terrible human being, and I think I speak for all New Zealanders when I say we don’t want him here.”

Luxon assured the public that while the original advertising slogan cost half a million dollars, the late changes won’t cost a thing.

“No there was no extra charge, because I just went into the word doc and made the changes myself. With tracked changes on, of course.”

David Warner was not approached for comment because no one wanted to talk to him.

More to come. 

The post Slogan To Attract Australian Tourists Changed To “Everyone Must Go Except For You David Warner” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WORK IN PROGRESS 

Nathan Jones’s incredible shadow batting skill is often a complete contrast to his actual performance on the field.

Jones, a 31 year old long-standing grade cricketer in Christchurch, often practices his batting defence in his lounge, looking quite solid while doing so.

In reality, what he practices in his lounge with no cricket bat and merely his hands, does not match up to how he goes about his batting when at the crease.

“I’ve felt in great nick with the shadow batting,” Jones said with confidence.

“I mimicked a few solid leaves, followed by an elegant drive past the cover fielder, then a cheeky flick off the pads,” said Jones as he re-enacted the imaginary cricket shots once more.

Despite his less-than-glorious batting performances, Jones refuses to abandon his lounge routine. 

“I’ll keep shadow batting. Look, I’m still refining the defence.. I mean, not every shot is going to be a textbook drive, right?”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Grade Cricketer’s Masterclass Shadow Batting Nothing Like His Actual Defence appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HAUNTING IMAGE 

It’s been nearly a decade, but for 35-year-old Nic Hill from Christchurch, the scars of the 2015 Cricket World Cup final remain as fresh as ever.

Hill, a lifelong Blackcaps supporter, still has vivid flashbacks to the moment that “shattered his soul” — Brendon McCullum being clean bowled for a third ball duck by Mitchell Starc at a sold out MCG.

“McCullum was our hope. He was the one we all turned to. He’d been on fire that tournament. If anyone could take us to the promised land, it was Baz. But to get bowled out like that? I’m still reeling from it.”

Despite the devastating start, the Blackcaps did manage to recover and get to 150 for 3, but the dream quickly crumbled. All out for 183 and Australia didn’t struggle in the run chase, but for Nic, he’s still haunted by the image of Mitchell Starc running around the field like he’d just won them the final when he bowled McCullum.

“If Baz had just stuck around, things would’ve been different. He would have got us off to a flyer and the others could have again batted around him. It’s not the result, its the weight of the lost opportunity.’”

“That was our chance, you know? Prime time Baz and then ‘poof’ he’s back off walking to the sheds for a third ball duck. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Local Man Questions Whether He’ll Ever Recover From Baz McCullum’s Fateful Duck in the World Cup Final appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

URGH SPORTSBALL

With the Rugby vs Cricket T20 match just around the corner, social activist Ruby Galbraith is calling on people within her echo chamber to get annoyed about it.

The annual sporting event that pits current and former professional rugby players against very retired cricketers is no stranger to controversy. The Alternative Commentary Collective (the ACC) tends to cop the brunt of public anger, mostly from the 60+ demographic. 

While most sports fans born in the post war baby boom can see the commentary for what it is, there are a few who absolutely hate it. They believe sport must be taken completely seriously at all times, especially cricket, and there is no room for “clowns who don’t know what they’re bloody talking about”.

There are also people from that age range generally annoyed that their ritual of watching “The Chase” before the six o’clock news has been interrupted.

This year however, Wellington’s own cultural thought leader Ruby Galbraith, 33, says more people from her own generation should take a stand against the ACC.

“Oh wow, the ACC are back again (eye roll). They’re just a bunch of blokey sexist MEN who think they’re being funny talking about sportsball,” she tweeted to her echo chamber of 500+ loyalists.

“More of us need to stand up to this kind of toxic masculinity. Honestly I don’t think men should even be allowed to talk to each other in small groups. They can’t be trusted.”

When reporters reached out to Galbraith to unpick some of her assertions, she declined to comment, but issued the following statement, again via her X (formerly Twitter) account. 

“Umm, okay I just got asked by a so-called ‘journalist’ to ‘clarify my position’ on why the ACC are a bunch of toxic sexist misogynists. As if I would amplify their platform by adding fuel to their fire.” 

Ms. Galbraith will have to wait and see whether the millennial generation joins her in her campaign against the ACC team. In the meantime the Broadcasting Standards Authority apparently has extra staff rostered on next week to deal with the yearly flood of boomer disgust. 

More to come.

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post BLACK CLASH BACKLASH: Millennial Calls For More Young People To Start Being Annoyed By The ACC Commentary appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SAME OLD STORY

Christchurch third-grade cricket stalwart Ryan Wilkes, 34, stood motionless at the crease, his middle stump dramatically uprooted by a waist-high full-toss at Hagley Park. 

Wilkes, who has not progressed beyond second-grade cricket since his fleeting promotion in 2013, once again turned to his extensive library of post-dismissal excuses to justify his latest failure.

“The pitch was an absolute minefield,” Wilkes said while tossing his gloves at his cricket bag.

“You just can’t trust a pitch like that,” he insisted. “Look, it dipped at the last second. That’s textbook deception from the bowler. If anything, I was unlucky. Definitely a bowler’s deck” lied Walsh, despite all of his other teammates scoring over 30 each.

Teammates, however, have learned to embrace Wilkes’ unique post-dismissal theatrics. “Honestly, it’s part of the entertainment,” said captain Mark Russell.”

“It would be weird for him to actually blame himself for the way he got dismissed.”

Reporters tried to get more comment from Walsh, however he was seen practising his bowling, despite it being unlikely he’ll get a bowl and will field from fine leg to third man the whole innings. 

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post “Definitely a Bowler’s Deck”, Claims Grade Cricketer Who Played Across The Line Of A Full-Toss appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

33-year-old Matt Johnson has again found himself in a state of pure elation as he realised he wouldn’t have to beg, borrow, or steal access to his parents’ SkyGo account to watch the Blackcaps tonight.

Johnson, who is used to asking his parents or one of three brothers for the password, was stoked to find out that the ODI matches against Sri Lanka are free to air on TVNZ and will continue to be for the near future.

This meant Matt could finally escape the clutches of his SkyGo dependency and relish the sweet taste of televised cricket without taking desperate measures.

“How good is this?” Johnson said, firing up his TV without having to login to a SkyGo account, which was often being used by one of his siblings.

Matt’s usual routine involved juggling the conflicting schedules of his three brothers, each vying for control of the coveted SkyGo account to catch their favourite sports events.

“Oh, anytime I want to watch a game I’ve had to fight my brothers for it. This just solves so many problems.”

“Hopefully this lasts for a while. Like the old days!

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post “I’m My Own Man Now”: Local Bloke Enjoys Free To Air Cricket Without Tapping Into Parents’ SkyGo Account appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

UNSTOPPABLE

Mark Grover’s eyes lit up when he saw six year-old son Jackson walk up to the crease in today’s Boxing Day BYC match.

The 41 year-old father of three was already showcasing some scary form after dismissing his two other children, 7 year-old Poppy and 9 year-old Ollie, in the previous two deliveries.

Our reporters were in the Grovers’ backyard for the hat trick delivery, watching Mark steam in off an unreasonably long run up.

‘Got emmmmm!! Yes on your way Jackson! Hat trick for ya old man! Still got it!” celebrated Mark, who was going way over the top after clean bowling his small child, who has barely ever held a cricket bat in his life.

Mark’s wife Kylie, who saw the carnage unfold from inside, was quick to reassure her three children that they could “have another go” and for Mark to “settle down, they’re only children for goodness sake.”

“What on earth is he doing hurling those balls at them like that? When I got them a cricket set for Christmas this was not what I had in mind. My husband is meant to try to encourage them to play, not put them off the sport altogether,” Kylie said, while evil-eyeing her husband.

“Oh come on Kylie, they’ve gotta learn. What better way to learn than off your old man who can still bowl like he can play senior ones.”

As our reporters sought comment from the children, two of them were seen crying nearby, while Jackson was still standing there like a stunned mullet holding his bat wondering why his Dad was celebrating so much.

More to come.

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Local Dad Rolls Back The Years With Sensational BYC Hat Trick Against His Hapless Children appeared first on The Whakataki Times.