SQUAT, SNAP, SHARE

25-year-old Hannah Sutton put her body, soul, and sports bra to the test in a brutal three-minute workout at Les Mills this morning—just enough to earn the sacred right to post a glistening post-gym selfie to her 2,134 Instagram followers.

“It was honestly one of the hardest workouts I’ve done this week. Honestly I’m done for the day,” said Sutton, whose weekly workouts tend to last the length of maybe two Instagram reels.

The Christchurch woman appeared to spend  more time in the mirror arranging her AirPods and tightening her ponytail than actually training, although it didn’t stop her from posting a selfie with the caption “Gym Life #NoDaysOff”

“I just believe that discipline and workouts can look different for everyone,” she added as she put back some weights which she barely did any reps with.

“At least I’ve got out the front door and turned up here. Now is that all the questions? The light is pretty average over here,” Hannah said, while looking at the best spot in the gym for another selfie.

As our reporters tried to get further comment, Hannah was spotted leaving the gym with her pink protein shaker, telling a friend over speakerphone, “Ugh I’m DEAD. That workout actually ruined me today.”

More to come. 

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The post Gym Goer Endures Gruelling 3-Minute Workout To Earn Right To Post Insta Selfie appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MID LIFE CRISIS 

31-year-old Scott Griggs has decided on a whim that now is the perfect time to sign up for a half marathon for next to no reason.

“I thought, why not? Running is all the rage at the moment, especially ‘run clubs’,” Scott explained, adjusting his gym shorts that are clearly more suited for the couch than a 21-kilometre run. 

His logic, however, seems to be based on an increasingly fragile foundation. Griggs is quick to note that he’s “definitely not a runner,” yet he is convinced that his prior extensive experience with a sluggish 5km jog during pre-season rugby training a few years ago qualifies him for the grueling challenge ahead.

“I reckon I’ll just pace myself, take it easy, and enjoy the scenery. Plus, it isn’t like a full marathon, how hard can it be?” said Griggs, who is likely going through a midlife crisis.

When asked about his training regime, Scott responded confidently, “I’ll just start running next week. Maybe a couple of 5ks here and there, or like, a solid walk. You know, ‘train smart.’ I’m sure my body will figure it out. That muscle memory will come good.”

More to come. 

The post Bloke Who “Doesn’t Run” Somehow Convincing Himself A Half Marathon Is A Great Idea appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PROBLEM SOLVED

An Upper Hutt man has taken bold and decisive action to fix his long-standing struggle with gym motivation.

31-year-old Aaron Manners, a long-time CityFitness member and short-time CityFitness attender, says he’s finally “cracked the code” when it comes to exercise, discipline, and the eternal search for a reason to leave the house.

“I just realised that all these years I’ve been looking at the situation wrong. It’s not the motivation to go to the gym that’s the problem. It’s the gym itself!” he said euphorically, sitting at home in his trackpants. 

“Imagine paying for a gym membership each week and not using the facilities you’re paying for. The simple solution is to stop paying for them.”

In what he described as “a moment of rare clarity,” Manners logged on to the CityFitness website, found the contact email, and fired off a very polite request to terminate his membership, effective July when his 12-month obligation ends.

“It was a huge weight off my shoulders,” he beamed, having not lifted any actual weights in several months. “I just said, ‘Here’s my member number, please cancel me.’ Boom. Problem solved. No more guilt every time I drive past the place on the way to pick up dinner.”

The self-styled finance guy went on to explain the benefits of his new approach.

“Eight bucks a week I’m saving now. That’s over $400 a year — imagine the investments I could make with that,” he said, before immediately declining to elaborate. Observers later reported seeing Manners browsing the Domino’s Pizza app and muttering something about “those lava cakes being on special again.”

Manners says he’s feeling more empowered than ever, and is considering applying the same strategy to other areas of his life, such as laundry and dating.

“Sometimes you’ve just got to know when to walk away from a challenge. Or better yet, cancel it via email,” he said proudly.

More to come. 

The post Man Proudly Solves Gym Motivation Issue By Cancelling Membership Entirely appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WE GET IT, YOU’RE FIT

A 34-year-old man running shirtless through Hagley Park has failed to turn any heads this afternoon, despite his best efforts.

Jake Wedlock, a recreational jogger from St Albans, was halfway through what he described as a “gruelling” 7 km loop around Hagley Park, when he decided to peel off his moisture-wicking sports singlet  and expose his glistening torso to Christchurch.

“It was just so hot, and I thought, y’know, I’ve been hitting the gym kinda consistently for like, four weeks now,” Wedlock told reporters, panting and visibly salty, both from sweat and perceived lack of attention.

“I thought maybe a few people might notice the progress — especially the upper chest and the faint signs of an ab coming through.”

Unfortunately, the only noticeable thing was the way Jake’s shirt dangled from his waistband like a sad, sweaty flag of misplaced confidence.

Local passerby Elaine Morton, 67, who was walking her miniature schnauzer, had front-row seats to Wedlock’s torso reveal.

“I thought he might have been having a heat stroke,” she said. “Then I realised he just wanted people to look at him. But we didn’t.”

Wedlock persisted with his topless crusade for the remaining 5kms, occasionally throwing in an exaggerated sidestep to dodge slow-moving tourists and forcing his breathing into loud, deliberate exhales he hoped would sound athletic.

“I just thought I’d get a bit more of a reaction, maybe a nod from a fellow runner or a double-take from someone at a café,” said Jake, who appeared to genuinely believe he was operating on a Zac Efron level of allure.

More to come. 

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The post Shirtless Jogger Impresses Nobody During Run appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MUSCLE MEMORY

Hagley Park regulars were treated to another masterclass in nostalgic footwork today.

This week it was 33-year-old Christchurch local Rhys Watson who turned his sluggish 5km jog into a highlight reel which looked like it was straight out of rugby’s golden era.

“It’s pure muscle memory,” he said, wiping sweat from his forehead after side stepping a handful of imaginary defenders.

“Back in the day, I played First XV for Shirley Boys’ High. Once you’ve sent one poor lad flying with a side step, it’s hard to shake the habit,” Watson recounted, also continuing to step side on the spot and fend off more imaginary would be tacklers with ease.

Watson, who  hasn’t played an actual game of rugby since 2009 admits he throws in the occasional sidestep to remind himself – and anyone watching – of his supposed glory days as a high school rugby player.

“You should have seen me in my college years. I was putting in the Skudder-step before it was a thing,” he said before raffling off details about some of his most memorable tries. 

“Honestly, Nehe Milner-Skudde probably watched tapes of me!”

More to come. 

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The post Local Bloke Out for Jog Instinctively Sidesteps Imaginary Defender appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RAISING THE BAR ON FOLLOWERS

Sophie Tanner, a 23-year-old self-proclaimed “fitness influencer” from Christchurch, made history today at Les Mills gym by setting a new personal best: one solitary rep and an astounding 100 Instagram photos.

“I’ve really been pushing myself lately,” Sophie said, taking a sip of her third protein shake of the day, mainly just for show.

“ It’s not just about lifting, it’s about lifting the aesthetic of your Instagram feed. Plus, one squat and 100 selfies? That’s a workout in itself,” she laughed, scrolling through the 100 plus photos of herself in the same pose.

Sophie’s gym session at Les Mills began as usual, with a 20-minute search for the perfect spot near the mirror—an area with just the right amount of natural light and, ideally, no one around. “I need my space. I don’t want anyone ruining my vibe with their actual workout,” she explained.”

Once the squat rack was clear, Sophie did one perfect squat.

“One rep is all it takes to make gains—and by gains, I mean great content,” she said as she immediately dropped the weights and began positioning her phone for maximum lighting for the perfect photo.

More to come. 

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The post Local Woman Sets New Gym PB: 1 Rep, 100 Photos for Instagram appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FOR THE LONG HAUL

Caleb Rowling, a 28 year old data analyst, hit a major milestone in his quest for self-improvement this week – reaching week 3 of going to the gym without dramatically chucking it all in.

The young man from Palmerston North has previously used the early January period to make bold proclamations about changes he wants to make, ranging in theme from health to career progression.

Unlike other years, this time Caleb has committed $6.99 per week to the basic gym membership offered by City Fitness, saying he would be “building muscle and burning fat” three times a week from now on.

“I’ve hit rock bottom and the only way is up,” he said, claiming he has never been fatter or more unfit than he is now. Sources close to Caleb say this wasn’t helped by him “really enjoying his food and beers” over Christmas. 

“This year’s different though and I’ve kept my word so far. A total of seven gym visits for 2025 already,” he said, letting slip a very slight glow of pride.

“And yep, I know it’s only been two weeks, not very long. But Edmund Hillary started with a single step when he climbed up Everest, didn’t he?”

While most people around him are offering support and encouragement, it’s clear some of Caleb’s family members are not immune to the dreaded ‘tall poppy syndrome’. Cousin Blaine, 31, unhelpfully pointed out that he’s heard it all before, and that Caleb’s failed to persist in previous endeavours. 

“Oh here we go again, Caleb with his big resolutions. All talk and no action,” he typed smugly onto Instagram, despite never really reaching his own potential in life.

Caleb is not worried about the blowback however, as he has consumed so many hours of mindset-related Youtube content, he had a premeditated response locked and loaded.

“Got to learn to love your haters! And remember, the hate never comes from above, it always comes from below.”

More to come.

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The post DEDICATED: Local Man’s New Year Fitness Habits Still Going Strong After A Full Two Weeks appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“SO YOU JUST RAN? FOR NO ONE TO SEE?”

24-year-old Kelly Hayes found herself accused of some sort of social crime today.

According to long time friend Clara Billingsley, Hayes, an active jogger, had ‘faked a run’ as she failed to upload any proof to Strava, the popular running app.

Hayes, who had been quietly running laps around Hagley Park in Christchurch most mornings, found herself in a tense standoff with her friend after she mentioned her morning jog.

“I don’t get it, Kelly. You just ran, and no one even saw it on Strava? How do I know you didn’t just walk to the bakery and call it a ‘run’?” Billingsley demanded, with a tone that can only be described as deeply suspicious.

It wasn’t the first time Hayes had gone out for a run, but it was, as it turned out, the first time she’d failed to post it to Strava where runners log their times, distances, and various metrics.

“I don’t know why she’s so obsessed with Strava. I run because it makes me feel good, not because I need people to see it,” Hayes explained, visibly perplexed at Billingsley’s reaction. 

“I mean, who doesn’t post their run these days?” Billingsley asked, as if Hayes had just violated some unwritten law of fitness culture.

“You can’t just do that! How can we know you’re actually running if you don’t have a map of your route and a glowing streak on your Strava profile to prove it?”

More to come. 

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The post Friend Accused Of Faking Run As No Strava Post Was Made to Back Up Claim appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THE GRIND NEVER STOPS

Chad Blackwell had a point to prove on Christmas Day.

It was yet another day to remind the world that the grind never stops for the 27 year-old from Auckland.

Instead of being present at the family brunch where his sister was back for a fleeting trip from the UK, Chad was posting inspirational quotes to his Instagram story with a picture of himself posing in front of a Les Mills gym mirror. 

“Discipline doesn’t take holidays,” the caption on his Instagram story read.

When approached by reporters from the Whakataki Times later that afternoon, Chad was eager to elaborate on his unconventional Christmas priorities. “Look, anyone can eat pavlova and sit on the couch,” he explained, wiping sweat off his forehead. 

“But it takes a special kind of person to hit the gym while everyone else is unwrapping socks and drinking mimosas. It’s about sending a message.”

Meanwhile, back at the Blackwell family home, Chad’s sister Kelly was less than impressed. “Honestly, it’s exhausting,” she said, gesturing towards the untouched chair at the brunch table. “Every year, we’re here eating croissants and unwrapping presents, and he’s off lifting weights in an empty gym. Who is he even trying to impress? His 50 followers?”

Kelly’s frustration boiled over when Chad’s latest Instagram story pinged on her phone. “Oh, look at this one,” she said, rolling her eyes and reading aloud: ‘The only thing I’m unwrapping today is my potential.’ I mean, seriously. Who says that?”

More to come. 

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The post Christmas Day Gym Goer Reminds Us We’ll Never Be As Disciplined As Him appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GUN SHOW

34-year-old Mike Flanders has always had an admiration for Olympic canoeist Lisa Carrington’s muscular arms.

After seeing her burst onto the scene at the 2012 Olympics in London, Flanders has almost always been self-conscious about his own biceps and triceps in comparison to the five-time gold medalist.

“Every time I see her in the news, I can’t help but think, ‘Why couldn’t I have arms like that?’” Mike lamented while struggling to carry his grocery bags from the car. Despite his best efforts, including a gym membership, protein shakes, and a strict regimen of push-ups and bicep curls, Mike’s arms remain stubbornly ordinary.

“If I had guns like hers I’d be the guy in the house who could get the lid off the jar and be the one that others ask for help.”

“She’s one of our best chances for Olympic gold in Paris, but every time she races all I can think about is my own physical inadequacy.

“What do I need to do? Go and buy a canoe or something?”

More to come. 

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The post Local Man Wishes He Had Arms Like Lisa Carrington appeared first on The Whakataki Times.