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four men in suits having beers at viaduct harbour

Increase In Midweek Beers Inspires Auckland CEO To Strategically Give Up On December

December 7, 2023

LOST CAUSE.

The Chief Executive of a small Auckland insurance firm has made a controversial move late in 2023. 

Robert Davies, CEO of Blue Tick Insurance, has noticed the uptick in his staff going for beers early in the afternoon, and has decided to let it be, even if sales end up being flat for the month. 

“It’s a strategic decision that will pay off in the long run. The team has worked hard all year and the worst thing I could do for motivation right now would be to get on people’s cases about leaving early,” he said while enjoying a beer in the office himself.

dismayed girl at dinner table, with naan bread in foreground

Working Family Feeling The Cost Of Living Crisis Starts Ordering Plain Naan Instead Of Cheese And Garlic

December 6, 2023

OUCH.

The pain being felt by the ongoing cost of living crisis has hit the Williams family where it hurts.

A regular working family from Lower Hutt, the Williams’ are relatively frugal; Mum Sienna estimates they get takeaways once or twice a month.

“It’s either a bit of a treat or we get it on a day where we’ve been busy and it’s just easier than cooking. The kids love Indian and I spent some time travelling there when I was younger, so it’s a bit of a go-to.”

pleased man holding can of coconut cream at pak n save

Kinda Short Man Absolutely Thrilled To Reach Can From The Top Shelf Of Supermarket Aisle

December 5, 2023

STOKED.

A man of below average height has barely held it together after plucking a can from the very top shelf of his local Pak N Save.

Pakuranga insurance rep Zane O’Connell is often ribbed by his mates for his height. At 5 foot 5, he’s definitely on the short side, but perhaps not as much as his nickname “The Infant” would suggest.

“I’m ok with being short, but the cricket boys take it to the next level,” he says.

However, after this week’s visit to the supermarket, he now has some ammunition to counter all the stick he gets.

man aghast outside mbie

Restless MBIE Employee Annoyed To Be Left Out Of Government’s 100 Day Plan

December 4, 2023

WE WANT CERTAINTY.

Wellington-based policy advisor Jared Johnson saw red this morning, when he discovered that job cuts to his government employer, MBIE, had not been included in the government’s list of priorities for their first 100 days.

It is fair to say that Johnson is sick and tired of his job at the Ministry of Business Innovation and Employment. The man has been positively fizzing ever since he heard that he might be in line for a redundancy. 

“Wish they’d hurry up and fire me,” he texted to our reporters during a two hour meeting that he did not contribute to.

DISCLAIMER: NZ satire has a long tradition. The Whakataki Times is a satirical news website, which means the stories are made up for comedic effect.