EVERY YEAR

34-year-old Dave Hamlin, veteran grade cricketer and part-time keeper of excuses, has yet again failed to pay his $160 club fees for his third division cricket season.

The season, now winding down with only a few rounds remaining, has seen Hamlin turn up dutifully for practice, matches, and post-game beers, but apparently bank account unable to transfer his season’s subs.

Despite the looming deadline, Hamlin is calm. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll sort it tonight,” he said after training last week, as he handed over $20 for the pokies while sipping a freshly poured pint.

Teammates say this pattern is nothing new. “Honestly, we just assume Dave’s going to be last to pay every year,” said club captain Mark Reid. “It’s like clockwork. The only thing predictable about him is that his subs won’t be paid until the very last possible second.”

Another teammate, Simon Patel, added: “ He always says ‘tonight’… and somehow it turns into tomorrow, or the next week, or sometimes next season. I’m sick of telling him to hurry up and do it.”

Club treasurer Nigel Thompson said he’s come to terms with Dave’s late payment  style. “We’ve learned to budget around the fact that Dave likely will be the last to pay his subs. Each time we pull out the final warning about how he won’t play until he pays, then he seems to come through.”

As the season edges closer to its finale, Hamlin remains confident but also coy. “I’ve got it covered,” he said with a grin. “Just give me one more week… maybe two.

More to come.

The post Local Teammate Who Still Hasn’t Paid His Subs Will “Sort It Tonight” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SEEING IT LIKE A BEACH BALL

Christchurch third-grade cricketer Brent Briggs, 33, has doubled down on claims that he was “absolutely seeing them like beach balls” on Saturday, despite being clean bowled for 2 at Hagley Park after facing just 10 deliveries.

The dismissal marks Briggs’ fourth consecutive single-digit score, but the seasoned No. 4 insists the numbers “don’t tell the full story.”

“Honestly, I was middling everything in the warm-up,” Briggs said, unstrapping his pads while loudly sighing once again. “The eyes were in, the feet were moving. I was seeing them well. Just one of those freak ones that nipped back half a mile.” Said Briggs who had just watched his stumps get completely skittled.

Briggs scratched around for nine balls apart from two square cuts he hit remarkably well, both of them straight to the same fielder for singles. This was before attempting a loose drive at a straight one, missing it entirely and watching his off stump go cartwheeling.

“Pitch played absolute tricks, mate,” he explained. “Bit of variable bounce, bit of swing, maybe the wind caught it. Umpire said it was a good nut but I swear it kept low. If that ball hadn’t jagged, we’d be talking about a different story.”

Brent’s’ Teammates were less convinced and grew tired of his weekly excuses.
“Yeah, he was seeing them alright, just not with the middle of his bat,” said opener Cam Wallace, adding that Briggs “hasn’t found the middle since daylight savings started.”

Brent, despite scoring less than 10 runs across his last four innings remained optimistic he can turn things around.

“Oh well, always next week. I’m feeling good, mind is in a  good place. I just need some luck to go my way!”

More to come.

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WORK IN PROGRESS 

Nathan Jones’s incredible shadow batting skill is often a complete contrast to his actual performance on the field.

Jones, a 31 year old long-standing grade cricketer in Christchurch, often practices his batting defence in his lounge, looking quite solid while doing so.

In reality, what he practices in his lounge with no cricket bat and merely his hands, does not match up to how he goes about his batting when at the crease.

“I’ve felt in great nick with the shadow batting,” Jones said with confidence.

“I mimicked a few solid leaves, followed by an elegant drive past the cover fielder, then a cheeky flick off the pads,” said Jones as he re-enacted the imaginary cricket shots once more.

Despite his less-than-glorious batting performances, Jones refuses to abandon his lounge routine. 

“I’ll keep shadow batting. Look, I’m still refining the defence.. I mean, not every shot is going to be a textbook drive, right?”

More to come. 

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SAME OLD STORY

Christchurch third-grade cricket stalwart Ryan Wilkes, 34, stood motionless at the crease, his middle stump dramatically uprooted by a waist-high full-toss at Hagley Park. 

Wilkes, who has not progressed beyond second-grade cricket since his fleeting promotion in 2013, once again turned to his extensive library of post-dismissal excuses to justify his latest failure.

“The pitch was an absolute minefield,” Wilkes said while tossing his gloves at his cricket bag.

“You just can’t trust a pitch like that,” he insisted. “Look, it dipped at the last second. That’s textbook deception from the bowler. If anything, I was unlucky. Definitely a bowler’s deck” lied Walsh, despite all of his other teammates scoring over 30 each.

Teammates, however, have learned to embrace Wilkes’ unique post-dismissal theatrics. “Honestly, it’s part of the entertainment,” said captain Mark Russell.”

“It would be weird for him to actually blame himself for the way he got dismissed.”

Reporters tried to get more comment from Walsh, however he was seen practising his bowling, despite it being unlikely he’ll get a bowl and will field from fine leg to third man the whole innings. 

More to come. 

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The post “Definitely a Bowler’s Deck”, Claims Grade Cricketer Who Played Across The Line Of A Full-Toss appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SENT HIM PACKING

Spencer Lyon has felt more shame today than anything else he has experienced in club cricket.

The 31 year-old from Nelson, found himself clean bowled by none other than his girlfriend, Millie Dunn, during an innocent game of beach cricket at Tahuna Beach. Making matters worse, it was a delivery that even the most casual of beachgoers could have played.

After getting laughed at by his group of former highschool friends and having to reluctantly accept he’d just been clean bowled by the most simple deliveries. Spencer spoke to our reporters.

“Look, anyone who’s played cricket knows that sand is bloody hard to play, it’s just too unpredictable for serious play,” said Lyon, still trying to make excuses for why he had had his stumps rattled.

Millie meanwhile downplayed the situation. 

“I honestly didn’t even know what I was doing haha. When everyone started cheering and I saw the wickets out of the ground, I knew I must have done something right. Does that mean I’m winning?” asked Millie, slowly becoming familiar with the sport she takes minimal interest in.

Spencer, still visibly ashamed, continued to make excuses and went on the defensive.

 “If we were playing on a proper wicket, with a real bowler, it would have been a different story. Why don’t we go down to the nets and see how she goes against me then?”

More to come. 

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UNSTOPPABLE

Mark Grover’s eyes lit up when he saw six year-old son Jackson walk up to the crease in today’s Boxing Day BYC match.

The 41 year-old father of three was already showcasing some scary form after dismissing his two other children, 7 year-old Poppy and 9 year-old Ollie, in the previous two deliveries.

Our reporters were in the Grovers’ backyard for the hat trick delivery, watching Mark steam in off an unreasonably long run up.

‘Got emmmmm!! Yes on your way Jackson! Hat trick for ya old man! Still got it!” celebrated Mark, who was going way over the top after clean bowling his small child, who has barely ever held a cricket bat in his life.

Mark’s wife Kylie, who saw the carnage unfold from inside, was quick to reassure her three children that they could “have another go” and for Mark to “settle down, they’re only children for goodness sake.”

“What on earth is he doing hurling those balls at them like that? When I got them a cricket set for Christmas this was not what I had in mind. My husband is meant to try to encourage them to play, not put them off the sport altogether,” Kylie said, while evil-eyeing her husband.

“Oh come on Kylie, they’ve gotta learn. What better way to learn than off your old man who can still bowl like he can play senior ones.”

As our reporters sought comment from the children, two of them were seen crying nearby, while Jackson was still standing there like a stunned mullet holding his bat wondering why his Dad was celebrating so much.

More to come.

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EARLY EXIT 

Third-division cricketer Mitchell Sinclair, 31, found himself in an all-too-familiar situation on Saturday at Hagley Oval.

The 10 year veteran of grade cricket has once again had to tell his girlfriend to not actually bother coming to the game he wanted her to watch after talking about it all week. 

His girlfriend, Clara, who had generously set aside her free afternoon to watch him play, was only halfway to the ground when her phone buzzed with the “Might as well turn back.” message.

Sinclair’s side had been sent into bat, but was clean bowled on the third ball of the innings, meaning at the time of 12:03pm, he was back trudging off the field and heading back into the shade with his teammates.

“I told her this week would be different. I was feeling good, the conditions were perfect…and then, boom, middle stump gone,” he recounted, a sentence which is sounding eerily familiar to previous weeks.

When our reporters asked if Clara would come to next week’s game, Clara was hesitant. “I mean, I love him, but it’s hard to justify a 30-minute drive when I know there’s a strong chance I’ll just be watching him sulk on the sidelines with his teammates, making excuses about why he got out. I probably should just bring a book.”

More to come. 

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The post ‘Might As Well Turn Back’ – Grade Cricketer Again Dismissed Before Girlfriend Arrives To Watch appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NEW SEASON, NEW ME

36-year-old Dave Brunton has again surprisingly shown face at his team’s pre-season cricket training.

Brunton, who plays in Christchurch’s third division and has done so since he left highschool, shocked some of his teammates when he showed up at Hagley Oval for the team’s first net session of the season.

 “I mean, he’s the fourth change in the bowling order and that’s usually out of a gesture of good will. He’s not really turning the ball anymore, just sort of… lobbing it. But hey, he’s here, so good on him, I guess?” said one teammate, thinking Dave should have chucked it in a decade ago..

Brunton hasn’t done anything remarkable on the cricket pitch since hitting 42 in 2009 against a bunch of teenagers, the same year he probably should have called it in. Brunton has taken no more than two wickets in the limited over he gets with the ball too.

“He’s a great bloke, don’t get me wrong,” said captain Greg Thompson, 

“But it’s been a while since we’ve seen anything from him that resembles cricketing ability. Honestly, he gets a new bat each year like it’s going to turn around his fortunes or something, but his innings continue to end in disappointment.”

More to come. 

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The post Bloke Who Should Have Given Up Grade Cricket A Decade Ago Turns Up For Pre-Season Training appeared first on The Whakataki Times.