WILD CONCEPT

The New Zealand Government has shocked the education sector this week with a bold and radical proposal: giving high school students grades based on how well they actually do in an exam.

The NCEA system currently requires students to collect “credits” like a weird video game, but that will all be scrapped in favour of a system where students sit an exam, write their answers, and then receive a number out of 100 depending on how right they were.

“This completely flips the script,” said one shocked Wellington principal. “We’ve spent the last 20 years trying to avoid telling students how well they’ve done.”

But in a return to the cruel old days of “success” and “failure”, the proposed new system will judge students based on things like how many correct answers they get, and whether or not their essays make sense.

Students would then be given a number, which would correspond to a grade. And those grades would indicate whether they understood the subject or not.

“We know it’s a dramatic change,” said Education Minister Erica Stanford. “But there’s a growing feeling that school should prepare students for reality. And unfortunately, reality sometimes involves not getting a gold star for turning up.”

Not everyone was on board. One Auckland high school student said she feared the new system might expose people who haven’t actually learned anything.

Supporters however say the move will give students clearer feedback, raise expectations, and hopefully lead to more adults that can read and write. 

More to come.

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FOUL PLAY

Some 18 and 19 year-old “high school student athletes” around New Zealand are feeling a bit caught out today.

Rowing officials have put an end to the controversial practice of ‘Year 14 students’ competing at the Maadi Regatta, removing what an Auckland principal called a “black mark” on New Zealand’s biggest secondary school sports event.

“I had a lot of respect for the Maadi Regatta until I realised a bunch of these Year 14s were just hanging around to take the medals from actual Year 13s,” said one anonymous former student from a Christchurch high school. 

“Like are we reeeally meant to believe they’re there to complete NCEA Level 3?”

And it wasn’t just rowing. High school 1st XV rugby teams, most notably in Auckland, Christchurch, and Wellington, would frequently field athletes who had finished Year 13 the previous year, popping back in like they’d never left.

“I remember thinking, ‘Alright, it’s my last year, I’ve earned my stripes and have got a chance at the 1st XV.’ And then, out of nowhere, the Year 14s return, somehow magically better at rugby than all of us,” said a disgruntled former Christ’s College student. 

“Oh well, with the ban on second-year Year 13 athletes, it will be funny to see some of these elite school rowing teams pretend like they’ve always cared about playing fair.”

More to come. 

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The post ‘Year 14’ High School Athletes Exposed As The Frauds That They Always Have Been appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ANYTHING TO SUPPORT THE EDUCATORS

One conscientious kid is today patting herself on the back, having alleviated Aotearoa’s teacher shortage by skipping school altogether.

Kendall Ryder, 16, prides herself as someone who stands up for her beliefs and takes action when it counts. Today, she feels she has lived up to her values by helping lighten the load carried by her long-suffering teachers. 

“I heard mum and dad talking about how there weren’t enough teachers at the schools, and I knew instantly that I could make a difference.”

Ryder decided that instead of showing up to class today, her time was better spent in a gathering of like-minded teens, holding space for the educators in their lives.

“We just you know, we’ve come together, and we’re like thinking about all our teachers and how important they are and stuff.”

Ryder and her fellow activist teens intend to spend the next three days in thought for their teachers. During this time, they will be based in the food court at the local shopping centre.

“We think if they’re not gonna have enough teachers to teach maths and stuff, well we can learn more here than in class,” rationalised Ryder. 

Behind her, one supporter ate seven McDonald’s fries. She gave one to her friend, and the rest were knocked out of her hand by a rogue pigeon. If the supporter had only eaten one-third of her fries before giving or losing any, how many McDonald’s fries did she start off with?

To demonstrate their disillusionment with an education system that has failed to adequately train and retain teachers, all the teens will be leaving their uniforms at home and donning mufti clothes instead. 

“It’s all about the teachers,” Ryder re-iterated.

More to come.

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Local Teen Helps With Teacher Shortage By Wagging School  appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

Amelia Webster was momentarily paralysed today.

The Whakataki Times can reveal that the incident occured when the 25 year-old kindergarten aide received the following message in her Facebook group chat of old high-school friends:

“Hey lovelies! Just a heads up that corkage will be $10 tonight. This was the only place that could fit us in. Can’t wait to see your pretty faces! Love yas!!”

After her crippling tsunami of fear had subsided, Webster composed herself long enough to speak to the Whakataki Times.

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Does she think everyone’ll just be fine with that?” scoffed Webster.

With a tight self-imposed budget in place, Webster had planned to spend a max of $25 for the night, with the hopes of a $10 bottle of wine and a $11 Mei Goreng.

But she was left in disbelief when her best friend Charlotte callously presumed that everyone would just accept the absurd corkage fee.

“I mean come on, we aren’t all working at a top accounting firm like her. Ten dollars just to drink your own shitty wine? Get fucked”.

Taking matters into her own hands, Webster made sure she found the cheapest and shittiest wine, purchasing a $6 bottle of sav from Barry’s Bottle’O.

“Just this thanks”, she quipped to Kev behind the counter at her local piss store.

“Are you sure that’s all love?” questioned the concerned 56 year-old.

“Yes thank you!!” Webster hissed as she slammed an assortment of coins from her purse onto the counter.

After getting drunk enough to only barely remember paying for her meal, with the sickening $10 corkage fee added on, Webster’s next brick wall was nursing a bone cracking hangover. 

She immediatley tried to flush the demons out with a Berocca in a glass of room-temperature water, knowing perfectly well that she was now a shell of her former self, all thanks to an angrily-purchased bottle of dirt cheap piss.

More to come.

The post Woman Sinks To New Low With $6 Bottle Of Wine Ahead Of $10 Corkage appeared first on The Whakataki Times.