MAKING A POINT

Alex Devlin, 27 from Wellington, took to social media today to proudly share his Spotify Wrapped results, which showcased a meticulously curated lineup of artists no one else seems to know.

For the kiwis inclined to share their playlists, artists like L.A.B, Six60 and Taylor Swift were commonly included. However Devlin made a show of posting his own “wrapped” results to shine a spotlight on all the weird and wonderful bands he listens to, just to make the point of how different he is.

“My top artist this year was Velvet Echoes, this ambient dream-folk duo from Iceland. They only perform on fjords during the winter solstice—it’s super exclusive,” Devlin explained to our reporters from his Aro Valley flat.

Devlin’s second-most-listened-to artist, Petricor Flux, also raised eyebrows. “Oh, they’re this experimental post-jazz collective based out of a converted grain silo in rural Vermont. They release all their music on cassette tapes. It’s a vibe.

“It’s so authentic compared to, like, Six60’s factory-produced anthems.”

Asked about the widespread love for Six60, Devlin had more to say. “I don’t mean to sound harsh, but their lyrics are just… surface level.”

Despite his disdain for mainstream tastes, Devlin insisted he wasn’t judging others. 

“It’s fine if people enjoy Six60,” he said, pausing to adjust his vintage scarf. “Not everyone needs to be deeply connected to their music. Some people just want… noise. And that’s okay for them,” he said in disgust after our reporters revealed Six60 were the most streamed local artist in 2024.

More to come. 

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HEARTBREAK KID

The progressive-minded women of Wellington were blindsided this morning with the news that ACT party leader David Seymour has had a secret girlfriend for the last two years. 

Media reported this morning that Seymour has been seeing 36 year old Alexandra Vincent Martelli, who is naturally a very successful Auckland property mogul, and the two of them are going strong by the sounds of things. 

Aro Valley native Ruby Galbraith barely managed to drag herself into work today due to the heartbreaking news. 

“Oh that’s suuuuch a shame, I’m sooo jealous,” she said loudly in the open plan office she works in. 

“Me and all my friends are wearing black today because we’re in a state of mourning.”

Julia Boucher, a graphic designer based in Newtown, reports that she cancelled all her appointments this morning in response to the news. “I just don’t think I would be able to hold it together if I had to face my clients today, such a sad day,” she said, sipping some kind of latte made with not cow’s milk. 

“Such a shame because I think that the way David and I view the world are very much aligned, so we would have had a really great relationship if we had the chance.”

Female writers at the popular Wellington-centric news outlet, The Spinoff have been so upset at the news that they haven’t been able to bring themselves to write a single thing about it. 

Requests for comment have gone unanswered, presumably because most of the staff are on some form of bereavement leave after hearing Seymour’s news. 

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

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MUST BE SOMETHING ON

The citizens of Wellington could tell that something was up yesterday, after multiple sightings of confident-looking men walking in groups were reported to authorities.

Janine Pigou, a 39 year old mother of two who regularly uses Wellington’s waterfront on the weekends, immediately sensed there must be an alcohol-based event on at the stadium. 

“I kept seeing these waves of men in their 30s and 40s, all in groups of three or more, loping along the waterfront, talking and laughing loudly,” she said to reporters. 

“The sheer volume and cheerfulness of these lad squadrons told me there must have been something on at the stadium. Something alcohol-based.”

Sure enough after a quick google, Ms Pigou found that none other than Beervana was happening, a popular event that regularly attracts men from around the lower North Island.

“You can tell which ones are the out-of-towners too. No one in Wellington is that outwardly happy,” she said after paying $6.50 for her takeaway flat white. 

“Leave it to Beervana to activate hordes of men, young and old, with an unearned level of self-confidence. There’s only one thing on their minds.” 

Janine then had to cut the interview short as she hurriedly ushered her children away from a man offering people high-fives. 

More to come. 

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OOH THAT’S HOPPY

35 year old Hayden Carson put his friends through the ringer yesterday afternoon, when he inevitably got onto his favourite topic of discussion – craft beer.

The graphic designer from Wellington was visiting some university friends in Christchurch, where they enjoyed a few brews at The Good Home in Wigram.

“Hate to say it, but even though it’s gone so commercial, it’s still hard to beat a Supercharger ay?” he asked our reporters, who nodded along obediently.

“Just the right amount of hoppiness to it, and you can still pick up the other more subtle tones.

“I was at a little micro brewery in the Aro valley last week, you wouldn’t have heard of it. Super unique flavours in their hazy. I’ll send you a  link to their page,” he boasted, trying to generate as much cultural capital as he possibly could.

Carson’s agitated friend Darren, who witnessed the display, managed to stay calm during his ordeal.

“This is classic Hayden, beer is his thing now. He’s got the beard, the glasses and the tattoos – at this point it would be weird if he wasn’t really into craft beer,” explained Darren as he enjoyed his own Supercharger without giving a verbal analysis.

“Just nod along and let him have his moment.”

The beer connoisseur then interrupted to verbally appreciate the venue. “This place has a cool vibe, The Good Home right? Christchurch actually has a really cool vibe these days, it’s kinda like what Wellington used to be,” said Carson without prompting.

Carson then went on to punish the on-duty bar tender by demanding a free taste of several other beers.

More to come.

This story was brought to you by the good people at The Good Home restaurant and bar, in Wigram, Christchurch. 

The post Man Describes Flavours He’s Detecting In Craft Beer Whether Friends Want To Hear It Or Not appeared first on The Whakataki Times.