FAN FURY

In a rare show of civil unrest over a two-decade-old decision, 35-year-old Matt Barnett has taken to the streets in Wellington this week to protest what he calls “one of New Zealand’s biggest sporting crimes”: the dropping of Christian Cullen from the All Blacks in 2003.

“I mean, look, a lot of protests and strikes are going on at the moment,” Barnett told The Whakataki Times from outside Parliament, brandishing a handmade placard that read “BRING BACK CULLY!”. 

“It would be criminal not to protest against one of the worst atrocities ever committed in New Zealand. Dropping Cully in his prime! I’ve been in disbelief for 22 years! I still can’t get over it.”

Former All Blacks coach John Mitchell infamously dropped Christian Cullen, arguably one of the greatest players in the history of rugby, in his prime at age 27, despite being in form for the Hurricanes and already having scored 46 test tries. It was a move that would see the All Blacks crash out of the 2003 World Cup and leave many NZ rugby fans thinking ‘what if.’

“People talk about climate change, the Middle East and the housing crises,” Barnett continued, “but have they really felt the horror of a world where Christian Cullen didn’t get to show his full brilliance on the biggest stage? I’ve been living with this injustice for 22 years! 22 YEARS!”

When asked what he hoped to achieve, Barnett smiled and shrugged. “Honestly? Maybe just a little closure. Perhaps an apology to the public from NZ Rugby and John Mitchell. It will never change what happened, but it may help people move on.”

More to come. 

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DREAM BOAT

Sky Sport executives are bracing for an unexpected ratings surge this Saturday, following news that 24 year-old fullback Ruben Love will make his first Test start for the All Blacks against France in Hamilton.

“We usually see viewership drops for dead rubber Tests,” said Sky’s head of programming. “But within 10 minutes of Love being named, we had a 400% increase in female subscribers Googling ‘how to watch All Blacks vs France live NZ time’.”

Hannah Inglis, a 22 year-old accounting student at Vic Uni, admits she wasn’t planning to watch the final Test after her long-time crush Beauden Barrett was ruled out with injury, but her interest ramped up when she saw Love’s name on the starting team sheet.

“I’d seen Ruben play for the Hurricanes a few times and knew he was in the AB’s frame. But when I saw he was named today, it put me in a hot flush that lasted all day,” said Hannah, whose crush on Beauden Barrett is slowly drifting.

“You know when someone just stops texting? That’s how it feels with Beauden lately,” she said, twirling her hair while refreshing Love’s tagged Instagram photos, zooming in on the ones with him topless.

“Honestly, they should just have a camera on Ruben the whole time and I’d still consider it match of the year.” Hannah concluded, continuing to like all of Ruben’s Instagram photos.

In response to the skyrocketing interest, Sky Sport confirmed they’re looking into a dedicated Ruben-cam stream, although a spokesperson insisted, “It’s purely for tactical analysis. Nothing to do with his jawline.”

More to come. 

The post Female Viewership Of Third All Blacks Test Set To Explode With Inclusion Of Ruben Love appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SKUDDER STEP

33-year-old Hurricanes fan Hayden Harvey was in an emotional moment of nostalgia today.

In a reflective trance and eyes locked on his phone, he rewatched YouTube highlights of Nehe Milner-Skudder weaving through defenders like a man possessed.

“Man, you can forget how good he was. Honestly, every time he got the ball it was like he’d at least step four to five defenders.” said Harvey, watching some of Skudder’s early form with the Hurricanes.

Milner-Skudder burst onto the scene in 2015, where his dazzling form helped the Hurricanes reach the grand final of Super Rugby. And then as part of the All Blacks 2015 World Cup side he was named ‘World Rugby Breakthrough Player of the Year’.

However, injuries would limit his time in a black jersey, despite managing to score 12 tries in 13 tests.

“Skudz was our point of difference at that World Cup. Man, just what could have been if he wasn’t so dogged by injuries. Could have been a 100 test All Black. The body just didn’t let the man cook,” Harvey said, losing count of the amount of ankles Milner- Skudder had broken. 

“Look at this one — bang, bang — gone. Man’s a ghost. You can’t coach that sort of footwork.”

“He was like a cheat code on Rugby 08. Goose step, fend, see ya later. Man, never forget that man. There is nothing like Nehe Milner-Skudder”

More to come. 

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The post “The Streets Don’t Forget Nehe Milner-Skudder,” Says Bloke Watching His Sidestepping Highlights appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WINDS OF CHANGE

Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau is flying high for the first time in months after a snap referendum delivered her an unexpected win — though not everyone is flapping with joy.

In what many are calling a last-ditch attempt to shift her sagging poll numbers, Whanau proposed the removal of the two enormous Lord of the Rings eagles from Wellington Airport. The washed up birds would be replaced by Hurricanes mascot Captain Hurricane in his signature fighter plane, along with All Blacks great Christian Cullen as his copilot.

The referendum passed with a gusty 62% majority, confirming that Wellingtonians are ready to retire the washed up birds of prey in favour of some good honest rugby memorabilia.

“These eagles have had their time,” said Mayor Whanau at a press conference held in front of a wind-blasted council building. “We’re a rugby city, a Hurricanes city. It’s time we had an airport that reflects our true story— not just Peter Jackson’s.”

The new installation will feature Captain Hurricane flying low over the food court, with Cully tucking a ball under one arm and pointing towards the try line — or possibly the Koru Lounge.

Local resident Daryl Ngata summed up the mood: “Honestly, I stopped noticing the eagles years ago. But if I get to see Cully flying a plane every time I land, that’s a win.”

Not everyone is thrilled. Some diehard Tolkien fans have threatened to stage a silent protest dressed as orcs, but even they admit the eagles have looked “a bit faded” since at least 2016.

For Mayor Whanau, it’s a much-needed boost ahead of local elections this October. 

More to come. 

The post Wellingtonians Vote To Replace Eagles At Wellington Airport With Cully And Captain Hurricane appeared first on The Whakataki Times.