STATUS SHIFT

For years, the football world operated under the assumption that Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo were the gravitational centre of attention, pulling the lions’ share of headlines into their orbit.

That theory was challenged this week after both icons were seen quietly circulating a World Cup promo event that was described as “clear proximity-seeking behaviour” around New Zealand defender Tim Payne..

Payne, whose social media following has exploded thanks to an Argentine influencer’s campaign, arrived at a World Cup event to find the two football legends seemingly waiting nearby.

Witnesses say Ronaldo repeatedly positioned himself in the background of photos Payne was taking with fans.

Messi reportedly employed a more subtle strategy, standing close enough to Payne that followers scrolling Instagram might spot him.

Speaking to reporters, Ronaldo denied he was chasing clout.

“Look, Tim is obviously having a moment,” he explained.

“I’m not saying I’d like a collaboration or maybe a tagged post, but if he wanted to do something together I’d certainly be open to discussing it.”

Messi also played down suggestions he was trying to ride Payne’s wave of popularity.

“I’ve achieved a few things in football,” he said.

“But when somebody has over three million followers appear overnight, you pay attention. That’s the sort of growth people dream about.” said the eight-time Ballon d’Or winner.

For his part, Payne, in classic kiwi fashion saw the two megastars, turned to a team mate and said “do you see who that is?” but was then too shy to approach either of them. 

More to come.

The post Messi And Ronaldo Spotted Hovering Around Tim Payne For Clout appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO PAYNE NO GAIN

After accidentally becoming the most famous footballer in the country and possibly world overnight, All Whites defender Tim Payne is reportedly now under “crippling international pressure” to continue posting Instagram content despite previously only using the app to upload the odd photo of him playing for the Wellington Phoenix and All Whites.

Payne has exploded from 4,700 followers to over one million in just 48 hours after Argentine influencer El Scarso launched a campaign encouraging football fans to make Payne the “hero” of the FIFA World Cup due to him having the smallest social media following at the tournament.

Payne’s account has now allegedly spiralled into a non-stop content production nightmare.

“People are expecting daily Instagram stories and reels. But gee, I’ve never posted an Insta story and only posted the odd pic of me playing for the Phoenix,” Payne explained, as 50,000 more followers instantly rolled in.

The fullback now has the biggest social media following of any New Zealand football-related account, dwarfing even All Whites captain Chris Wood, who has a comparatively humiliating 162,000 followers.

Meanwhile, the official All Whites, Wellington Phoenix, and Auckland FC accounts are reportedly considering posting thirst traps to stay relevant.

Payne is now apparently frantically filming “a day in the life of Tim Payne” to keep his followers interested and many wannabe influencers and creators are absolutely spewing at his sudden stardom.

More to come

The post Tim Payne Now Feeling Immense Global Pressure To Post More Content appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COMMENTS OPEN

Tauranga’s Keith Williams, 72, has confirmed he has successfully transitioned his long-standing habit of formally complaining to the Broadcasting Standards Authority into what he is calling a “more direct channel.”

The discovery comes following news that the BSA is set to be disestablished, leaving Keith briefly unsure where he would direct his concerns about what he describes as “bloody inappropriate content” on New Zealand television.

“I used to sit down, draft something up, maybe sleep on it, then send it through the proper channels,” says Williams. “Now that the BSA’s disappearing I’ve had to do my duty a different way, which is actually much faster. I can get on Facebook while the ad’s still playing and tell the right people to pull their heads in.”

Keith says the shift has allowed him to respond in real time to issues such as suggestive burger commercials, confusing bank ads and free to air cricket games “being commentated by a bunch of puerile bloody idiots.”

“You see something dodgy or ridiculous, you pause the TV, grab your phone and bang, you’re in the comments,” he explains. “Nine times out of ten someone else has already kicked off about it, so you just add your bit. It’s a good community system.”

Williams says he particularly enjoys the ability to engage directly with others who are equally concerned, often escalating matters well beyond the original issue.

“Next thing you know you’re talking about bloody Jacinda and the decline of society as a whole,” he says. “That wouldn’t happen through a formal complaint form.”

Local friend and occasional viewing companion Steve Rata says Keith has taken to the new platform like a duck to water.

“Before he was spending half an hour writing a complaint, but now he’s doing five or six posts a night, while also getting into angry exchanges with total strangers,” says Rata. “He’s way more productive, to be honest.”

Williams was last seen drafting a Facebook comment about an ad for women’s sanitary products, noting he was “just asking questions” and expecting “a decent response.”

More to come.

The post Regular Complainer To The BSA Discovers He Can Also Cry About Things On Facebook appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FEED FAVOURITE

Auckland company exec Doug Sinclair has generated a fair bit of buzz for his Instagram skills and his eye for talent. 

Sources have told our reporters that every time Instagram suggests a good-looking female influencer, Doug’s name seems to appear in the “followed by” section. 

“It’s beyond uncanny,” says one colleague of Doug’s. “He spends his days managing a modest team of 15 in central Auckland, but the second a model, dancer, cheerleader or fitness influencer posts anything, Doug’s there first, liking the post and almost always dropping a fire emoji in the comments.”

The irony is Doug hasn’t had any experience in modelling, dancing, cheerleading or fitness. He just has a comprehensive portfolio of experts from those arenas in his Instagram..

Doug’s personal Instagram feed mainly features photos of his wife, three kids and golf courses around New Zealand. He has also posted pictures of classic cars and scenic vistas, often with a beverage in the foreground.

Despite the online activity where he seems to attempt to connect with women half his age, coworkers say Sinclair keeps a fairly conventional offline presence.

“He’s still very much ‘dad at Bunnings on a Saturday,’” one colleague said. “Golf, family photos, the occasional sunset with a beer in the foreground. Then you check his likes and it’s like a completely different personality has taken over.

“I assume Doug’s wife hasn’t seen his Instagram activity?”

Doug was unavailable for comment.

More to come.

The post 52-Year-Old Middle Manager Struggling to Explain Instagram Feed Full of Influencers Half His Age appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO INFLUENCE

A generically attractive woman who three years ago decided to re-invent herself as a fit, spiritual, healthy person returned home from her run this morning with her aura feeling decidedly un zen.

32 year old Sophie Todd likes nothing more than being out on a joyful Sunday morning 10k, getting the blood flowing and enjoying the fresh air. 

And although these are the official reasons she gives for loving a Sunday morning run, what she really likes is seeing losers doing their walks of shame while she’s out virtuously exercising and looking great. 

Approximately 2 years ago the former party girl was scrolling through the legions of women who were somehow making money by simply doing exercise, eating smoothies and wearing tight fitting, expensive activewear.

Sophie was at a crossroads in life, and after 8 years of punching the clock in semi-real jobs like marketing and real estate, she realised she wasn’t cut out for actual work. 

In the 18 months since, she has built her insta following to 25,037, using the tried and true formula of thirst traps posing as workout videos, uplifting motivational phrases against a backdrop of water or sunsets, and pics of strange looking nuts and fruit that she blends into a juice.

But after all her hard work on the social media front, Sophie returned home from her morning run at 7.12am feeling completely deflated. 

There was no one to be seen staggering home from the night before, and no one for Sophie to judge mercilessly from her position of social influence. She did not see a single dishevelled piece of shit with his shirt untucked drinking a Powerade, nor any tragic girls carrying their heels home whilst crying.

And after running 10kms and not sighting a single hooch hound, keg with legs, human brewery or martini machine crawling home in the harsh morning sunshine, this morning’s outing was a complete and utter disaster.

In an attempt to feel better, she spent the entire day in bed, judgingly scrolling through her friends insta feeds from last night.

More to come. 

The post DEVASTATING: Wellness Influencer On Sunday Run Doesn’t Spot Any Walks Of Shame She Can Judge appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SQUAT, SNAP, SHARE

25-year-old Hannah Sutton put her body, soul, and sports bra to the test in a brutal three-minute workout at Les Mills this morning—just enough to earn the sacred right to post a glistening post-gym selfie to her 2,134 Instagram followers.

“It was honestly one of the hardest workouts I’ve done this week. Honestly I’m done for the day,” said Sutton, whose weekly workouts tend to last the length of maybe two Instagram reels.

The Christchurch woman appeared to spend  more time in the mirror arranging her AirPods and tightening her ponytail than actually training, although it didn’t stop her from posting a selfie with the caption “Gym Life #NoDaysOff”

“I just believe that discipline and workouts can look different for everyone,” she added as she put back some weights which she barely did any reps with.

“At least I’ve got out the front door and turned up here. Now is that all the questions? The light is pretty average over here,” Hannah said, while looking at the best spot in the gym for another selfie.

As our reporters tried to get further comment, Hannah was spotted leaving the gym with her pink protein shaker, telling a friend over speakerphone, “Ugh I’m DEAD. That workout actually ruined me today.”

More to come. 

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The post Gym Goer Endures Gruelling 3-Minute Workout To Earn Right To Post Insta Selfie appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOLISTIC HYPOCRISY

Hannah Davies, a self-proclaimed wellness guru who regularly preaches the benefits of clean living, organic eating, and spiritual alignment, has temporarily shelved her core beliefs in order to get absolutely sideways at Christchurch’s Electric Avenue festival.

“I always say wellness is about balance,” she chirped, adjusting her ethically sourced linen two-piece. “And sometimes, balance means hoofing a questionable capsule from a guy named Damo at a festival.”

Electric Ave is an ever growing popular music festival held at Hagley Park, which often sees pill testing take place prior to people entering the event which will likely see 30,000 people attend the sold out event each day. 

Despite spending the past six months warning her Instagram followers about the dangers of processed foods and non-organic sunscreen, Davies seemed untroubled by the provenance of the suspiciously crumbly pill she had just palmed. 

“I usually just stick to my plant-based diet, but tonight, I’m feeling like, what’s the harm in exploring other dimensions of wellness?” Davies continued, her voice rising slightly in excitement. “Just a little something to elevate the experience, y’know?”

More to come. 

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The post Clean Living Wellness Guru Puts Values On Pause So She Can Take Drugs At Electric Ave appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

TRAGIC LOSS FOR THE BOYS

A few good men have been mourning over Hannah Watts’ Instagram account lately.

Some Christchurch locals’ are devastated at the transformation of Watts’ social media photos, which went from a vibrant festival highlight reel account into an endless stream of baby photos.

“Back in 2018, she was out there doing God’s work—posting sunset bikini pics with vague captions like ‘energy’ or boomerangs of her doing shots at a beach bar overseas. Now? It’s just continuous updates of her newborn showcasing a new outfit,” said one upset follower.

The shift reportedly began subtly, with a single pregnancy announcement accompanied by the classic “our little miracle” caption. But within months, the algorithm’s worst fears were realized—stories filled with pram walks, and milestone stickers.

“I get it, she’s a mum now,” sighed another disheartened follower, Dylan Harris, 28, who has yet to recover from the emotional whiplash of seeing Hannah’s grid shift from festival outfits to bassinet reviews. “But does the world really need this many updates about sleep regressions? Where’s the tasteful festival glitter? The strategic hot dog leg photos? The tequila shots??”

Sources say the final blow for her male followers came when she replaced the last remnants of her old life—the iconic Ibiza 2019 highlight reel—with a new folder simply titled ‘Baby Bean’

Unfollow rates have reportedly spiked by 73%.

More to come. 

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The post Once-Wild Party Girl’s Instagram Now Just A Baby Photo Dump Album appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RAISING THE BAR ON FOLLOWERS

Sophie Tanner, a 23-year-old self-proclaimed “fitness influencer” from Christchurch, made history today at Les Mills gym by setting a new personal best: one solitary rep and an astounding 100 Instagram photos.

“I’ve really been pushing myself lately,” Sophie said, taking a sip of her third protein shake of the day, mainly just for show.

“ It’s not just about lifting, it’s about lifting the aesthetic of your Instagram feed. Plus, one squat and 100 selfies? That’s a workout in itself,” she laughed, scrolling through the 100 plus photos of herself in the same pose.

Sophie’s gym session at Les Mills began as usual, with a 20-minute search for the perfect spot near the mirror—an area with just the right amount of natural light and, ideally, no one around. “I need my space. I don’t want anyone ruining my vibe with their actual workout,” she explained.”

Once the squat rack was clear, Sophie did one perfect squat.

“One rep is all it takes to make gains—and by gains, I mean great content,” she said as she immediately dropped the weights and began positioning her phone for maximum lighting for the perfect photo.

More to come. 

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The post Local Woman Sets New Gym PB: 1 Rep, 100 Photos for Instagram appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“SO YOU JUST RAN? FOR NO ONE TO SEE?”

24-year-old Kelly Hayes found herself accused of some sort of social crime today.

According to long time friend Clara Billingsley, Hayes, an active jogger, had ‘faked a run’ as she failed to upload any proof to Strava, the popular running app.

Hayes, who had been quietly running laps around Hagley Park in Christchurch most mornings, found herself in a tense standoff with her friend after she mentioned her morning jog.

“I don’t get it, Kelly. You just ran, and no one even saw it on Strava? How do I know you didn’t just walk to the bakery and call it a ‘run’?” Billingsley demanded, with a tone that can only be described as deeply suspicious.

It wasn’t the first time Hayes had gone out for a run, but it was, as it turned out, the first time she’d failed to post it to Strava where runners log their times, distances, and various metrics.

“I don’t know why she’s so obsessed with Strava. I run because it makes me feel good, not because I need people to see it,” Hayes explained, visibly perplexed at Billingsley’s reaction. 

“I mean, who doesn’t post their run these days?” Billingsley asked, as if Hayes had just violated some unwritten law of fitness culture.

“You can’t just do that! How can we know you’re actually running if you don’t have a map of your route and a glowing streak on your Strava profile to prove it?”

More to come. 

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The post Friend Accused Of Faking Run As No Strava Post Was Made to Back Up Claim appeared first on The Whakataki Times.