NO INFLUENCE

A generically attractive woman who three years ago decided to re-invent herself as a fit, spiritual, healthy person returned home from her run this morning with her aura feeling decidedly un zen.

32 year old Sophie Todd likes nothing more than being out on a joyful Sunday morning 10k, getting the blood flowing and enjoying the fresh air. 

And although these are the official reasons she gives for loving a Sunday morning run, what she really likes is seeing losers doing their walks of shame while she’s out virtuously exercising and looking great. 

Approximately 2 years ago the former party girl was scrolling through the legions of women who were somehow making money by simply doing exercise, eating smoothies and wearing tight fitting, expensive activewear.

Sophie was at a crossroads in life, and after 8 years of punching the clock in semi-real jobs like marketing and real estate, she realised she wasn’t cut out for actual work. 

In the 18 months since, she has built her insta following to 25,037, using the tried and true formula of thirst traps posing as workout videos, uplifting motivational phrases against a backdrop of water or sunsets, and pics of strange looking nuts and fruit that she blends into a juice.

But after all her hard work on the social media front, Sophie returned home from her morning run at 7.12am feeling completely deflated. 

There was no one to be seen staggering home from the night before, and no one for Sophie to judge mercilessly from her position of social influence. She did not see a single dishevelled piece of shit with his shirt untucked drinking a Powerade, nor any tragic girls carrying their heels home whilst crying.

And after running 10kms and not sighting a single hooch hound, keg with legs, human brewery or martini machine crawling home in the harsh morning sunshine, this morning’s outing was a complete and utter disaster.

In an attempt to feel better, she spent the entire day in bed, judgingly scrolling through her friends insta feeds from last night.

More to come. 

The post DEVASTATING: Wellness Influencer On Sunday Run Doesn’t Spot Any Walks Of Shame She Can Judge appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SQUAT, SNAP, SHARE

25-year-old Hannah Sutton put her body, soul, and sports bra to the test in a brutal three-minute workout at Les Mills this morning—just enough to earn the sacred right to post a glistening post-gym selfie to her 2,134 Instagram followers.

“It was honestly one of the hardest workouts I’ve done this week. Honestly I’m done for the day,” said Sutton, whose weekly workouts tend to last the length of maybe two Instagram reels.

The Christchurch woman appeared to spend  more time in the mirror arranging her AirPods and tightening her ponytail than actually training, although it didn’t stop her from posting a selfie with the caption “Gym Life #NoDaysOff”

“I just believe that discipline and workouts can look different for everyone,” she added as she put back some weights which she barely did any reps with.

“At least I’ve got out the front door and turned up here. Now is that all the questions? The light is pretty average over here,” Hannah said, while looking at the best spot in the gym for another selfie.

As our reporters tried to get further comment, Hannah was spotted leaving the gym with her pink protein shaker, telling a friend over speakerphone, “Ugh I’m DEAD. That workout actually ruined me today.”

More to come. 

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The post Gym Goer Endures Gruelling 3-Minute Workout To Earn Right To Post Insta Selfie appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOLISTIC HYPOCRISY

Hannah Davies, a self-proclaimed wellness guru who regularly preaches the benefits of clean living, organic eating, and spiritual alignment, has temporarily shelved her core beliefs in order to get absolutely sideways at Christchurch’s Electric Avenue festival.

“I always say wellness is about balance,” she chirped, adjusting her ethically sourced linen two-piece. “And sometimes, balance means hoofing a questionable capsule from a guy named Damo at a festival.”

Electric Ave is an ever growing popular music festival held at Hagley Park, which often sees pill testing take place prior to people entering the event which will likely see 30,000 people attend the sold out event each day. 

Despite spending the past six months warning her Instagram followers about the dangers of processed foods and non-organic sunscreen, Davies seemed untroubled by the provenance of the suspiciously crumbly pill she had just palmed. 

“I usually just stick to my plant-based diet, but tonight, I’m feeling like, what’s the harm in exploring other dimensions of wellness?” Davies continued, her voice rising slightly in excitement. “Just a little something to elevate the experience, y’know?”

More to come. 

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TRAGIC LOSS FOR THE BOYS

A few good men have been mourning over Hannah Watts’ Instagram account lately.

Some Christchurch locals’ are devastated at the transformation of Watts’ social media photos, which went from a vibrant festival highlight reel account into an endless stream of baby photos.

“Back in 2018, she was out there doing God’s work—posting sunset bikini pics with vague captions like ‘energy’ or boomerangs of her doing shots at a beach bar overseas. Now? It’s just continuous updates of her newborn showcasing a new outfit,” said one upset follower.

The shift reportedly began subtly, with a single pregnancy announcement accompanied by the classic “our little miracle” caption. But within months, the algorithm’s worst fears were realized—stories filled with pram walks, and milestone stickers.

“I get it, she’s a mum now,” sighed another disheartened follower, Dylan Harris, 28, who has yet to recover from the emotional whiplash of seeing Hannah’s grid shift from festival outfits to bassinet reviews. “But does the world really need this many updates about sleep regressions? Where’s the tasteful festival glitter? The strategic hot dog leg photos? The tequila shots??”

Sources say the final blow for her male followers came when she replaced the last remnants of her old life—the iconic Ibiza 2019 highlight reel—with a new folder simply titled ‘Baby Bean’

Unfollow rates have reportedly spiked by 73%.

More to come. 

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The post Once-Wild Party Girl’s Instagram Now Just A Baby Photo Dump Album appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RAISING THE BAR ON FOLLOWERS

Sophie Tanner, a 23-year-old self-proclaimed “fitness influencer” from Christchurch, made history today at Les Mills gym by setting a new personal best: one solitary rep and an astounding 100 Instagram photos.

“I’ve really been pushing myself lately,” Sophie said, taking a sip of her third protein shake of the day, mainly just for show.

“ It’s not just about lifting, it’s about lifting the aesthetic of your Instagram feed. Plus, one squat and 100 selfies? That’s a workout in itself,” she laughed, scrolling through the 100 plus photos of herself in the same pose.

Sophie’s gym session at Les Mills began as usual, with a 20-minute search for the perfect spot near the mirror—an area with just the right amount of natural light and, ideally, no one around. “I need my space. I don’t want anyone ruining my vibe with their actual workout,” she explained.”

Once the squat rack was clear, Sophie did one perfect squat.

“One rep is all it takes to make gains—and by gains, I mean great content,” she said as she immediately dropped the weights and began positioning her phone for maximum lighting for the perfect photo.

More to come. 

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The post Local Woman Sets New Gym PB: 1 Rep, 100 Photos for Instagram appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“SO YOU JUST RAN? FOR NO ONE TO SEE?”

24-year-old Kelly Hayes found herself accused of some sort of social crime today.

According to long time friend Clara Billingsley, Hayes, an active jogger, had ‘faked a run’ as she failed to upload any proof to Strava, the popular running app.

Hayes, who had been quietly running laps around Hagley Park in Christchurch most mornings, found herself in a tense standoff with her friend after she mentioned her morning jog.

“I don’t get it, Kelly. You just ran, and no one even saw it on Strava? How do I know you didn’t just walk to the bakery and call it a ‘run’?” Billingsley demanded, with a tone that can only be described as deeply suspicious.

It wasn’t the first time Hayes had gone out for a run, but it was, as it turned out, the first time she’d failed to post it to Strava where runners log their times, distances, and various metrics.

“I don’t know why she’s so obsessed with Strava. I run because it makes me feel good, not because I need people to see it,” Hayes explained, visibly perplexed at Billingsley’s reaction. 

“I mean, who doesn’t post their run these days?” Billingsley asked, as if Hayes had just violated some unwritten law of fitness culture.

“You can’t just do that! How can we know you’re actually running if you don’t have a map of your route and a glowing streak on your Strava profile to prove it?”

More to come. 

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The post Friend Accused Of Faking Run As No Strava Post Was Made to Back Up Claim appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ULTIMATE FLEX

Kelsie McVale, 23, knows what’s coming after flaunting her tanned beach body on social media. 

She’s expecting a barrage of Instagram direct messages from male followers who have just seen the revealing photo taken at Christchurch’s Sumner beach – a hotspot for people her age during the summer months.

McVale’s post to her 2,850 followers features her in a bikini, a large wide-brimmed hat, glamorous sunglasses, and an overly large Lululemon drink bottle.

The post was nicely captioned “Living my best life! #beachvibes #sundayfunday”, a sentiment that maximises efficiency and effectiveness, while sacrificing originality. 

Our reporters caught up with McVale who was lying on her beach towel. 

“Yep this should be a goodie, this one. Hadn’t let rip a decent one like this for a while,” McVale explained as she continually refreshed her iPhone 13 to see the likes roll in.

McVale was clearly determined to get to that coveted 100-like mark and has been doing whatever she can to get there. She was even sending DMs to her friends, reminding them to like her post and asking if they’d seen it, despite it only going up minutes ago.

“I mean, usually the post starts off slow and gets momentum when it comes up on people’s feeds. Kinda get a bit worried when it’s a slow start. This one seems to be okay. Four DMs already, but they’re just flame emojis from guys I’m not really interested in.”

“I mean a post like this usually ends up being a cesspool of unwanted attention from guys, who think that “liking” a photo and sending direct messages is the way to a girl’s heart. Can’t some guy just give me shit and comment on the photo to make fun of me? Ugh, guys they’re all the same.”

As our reporters left, the long-legged beach goer had one parting comment.

“Thanks for today guys. Be sure to chuck my Instagram handle in the story will ya?”

@kelsie_mcvale

More to come.

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The post Local Woman Expecting Instagram DM Blow Up After Bikini Post At Beach appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALL FOR THE GRAM

Sam Ellison thought he had the perfect summer getaway planned when he travelled up north to the Coromandel. 

Escaping his high-pressure job in Wellington with girlfriend, Tess Young, 26, he had the promise of peaceful afternoons soaking in the sun at the world-renowned Cathedral Cove.

“All I wanted was to lie on the beach, maybe read a book, enjoy the sun,” Sam said, staring into the middle distance, where the ocean waves once lapped peacefully. “But Tess had other ideas.”

“She asked me to just take a quick photo. But after I took the quick initial 10, she looked at all of them in detail. Clearly unhappy with every single one of them, she asked me to take more. She literally looked exactly the same in each photo.” 

“I swear to God, I’ve taken 30 photos of her just sitting, holding her hat, smiling into the sun—all the same,” Sam said, his voice beginning to break under the pressure. “It’s like she’s trying to illustrate her entire personality in one Instagram post.”

As they neared the 200th photo of Tess posing in the same position, she eventually came over to scroll through all the photos taken in what was a painful photography session for Sam.

“Hmm, I think I might just go with the first one you took at the start. Nice job camera boy.”  

More to come. 

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The post Bloke’s Relaxing Beach Trip To Cathedral Cove Turns Into Grueling 200-Photo Shoot For Girlfriend’s Instagram appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

INSTAFLIRT

Hannah Luff, 25, was determined to showcase her walk up Mount Maunganui to her family and friends, but especially one person in particular.

After coming up from Wellington for the Christmas and holiday break in Tauranga, Luff set off with a couple of her friends to walk up the iconic mountain.

“I thought, why not combine fitness and flirtation?” Luff said, forcing her friend to snap yet another shot in her perfectly curated hiking outfit, which was basically just gym gear.

As Hannah reached the top of the summit and after asking her friends multiple times if they liked a specific photo of her posing, she rolled with the caption “Just a casual hike” then fired it off to her 1672 follower, hoping Chad would see it and maybe interact with it.

After a couple of hours when Hannah and her friends had come down from their hike, her Insta-stress kicked in.

“Okay, it’s been two hours, and Chad still hasn’t seen it. I’m, like, so confused,” Hannah said, scrolling through her feed anxiously. She checked and rechecked her notifications. Nothing. 

Not even a like. “Maybe he’s just busy… or, like, too cool to comment,” she mumbled, staring at her phone in disbelief.

Then, in the middle of her Insta-stress, Hannah noticed something—Chad had posted a story. She clicked on it eagerly, only to see a photo of him in full hunting gear with the caption, “Going hunting for four days, won’t have any reception.”

More to come. 

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THE LUXON LEAP

IShowSpeed has taken New Zealand by storm this week in a whirlwind tour that has left Kiwis both baffled and bemused.

The YouTuber who has 33 million subscribers and has many viral online videos of him doing radical stunts, has been traversing NZ with his trademark hyper-energetic style.

While he has been filmed being tackled at a Warriors training and doing drills with the Breakers and Auckland FC, it was his impromptu acrobatics over New Zealand’s Prime Minister that truly set tongues wagging.

The scene unfolded during a staged press opportunity at Parliament, where Luxon, eager to connect with the younger demographic, attempted to chat with Speed about “content creation and the opportunities it provides for Kiwi youth.” Instead, Speed interrupted the speech by shouting “LET’S GOOOO!” and performing a perfect backflip over the startled leader’s shiny scalp.

IShowSpeed wrapped up his Kiwi tour with a heartfelt, if slightly incoherent, livestream: “New Zealand, y’all are insane in the best way. I danced your haka, got smashed in tackles by your sports teams. But y’all better believe I’m the first dude to backflip a Prime Minister. That’s history, baby!”

More to come. 

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