QUACKED THE CODE

New Zealanders were left confused yesterday after bizarre and cringeworthy audio was leaked of a Labour training session that seemed to focus a lot on duck-sized horses and horse-sized ducks. 

It was unclear whether the leak was an act of genuine dissent or a deliberate attempt to compete with the cringey awkwardness of National’s own group of Gen-Xers and elder millennials. 

In the recording you could hear people who surely couldn’t have known they were being recorded discuss whether they’d rather fight one horse-sized duck or one hundred duck-sized horses. MP Barbara Edmonds was heard calling Finance Minister Nicola Willis “a duck-faced horse”, which she has since apologised for. 

The result of the meeting, which was not caught on tape, was that Labour’s key strategy this election is to find an actual horse-sized duck for Chris Hipkins to ride triumphantly into parliament. 

While most are calling this “ridiculous” or “bloody stupid”, some believe the idea has legs, or at least very large webbed feet. 

“Well obviously ducks don’t get that big and if they did I imagine they’d take a long time to break in and train for riding. Probably not do-able in time for this election”, said Labour list MP Kieran McAnulty knowledgeably.

“But no idea’s a stupid idea at this stage. It’s amazing what people can do with AI and we’ve obviously got Weta Workshop over in Miramar, so I dunno maybe they could make a massive duck that Chippy could ride and lead Labour to victory.”

It still isn’t clear how a giant rideable duck is going to be a vote-winner for Labour, but McAnulty says if they’re able to build an oversized bird that doesn’t currently exist, then they can do just about anything. 

“Anything’s possible! And if anyone’s going to lose an election to a horse-sized duck, it’s Christopher Luxon.”

More to come.  

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SIMPLER TIMES

Labour leader Chris “Chippy” Hipkins has been spotted outside a bakery in Upper Hutt this afternoon, quietly reflecting on how he used to have “a much more manageable news cycle”.

Standing just outside the door, Hipkins was seen gazing into the cabinet at a row of jumbo sausage rolls, appearing less tempted to eat one, and more interested in what they once represented.

“Back then it was easy,” Hipkins said, hands in pockets. “You grab a sausage roll, crack a 600 mL Coke, and suddenly that’s the story for three days.”

The Opposition leader reportedly lingered for several minutes, reflecting on the latest allegations made by his ex wife on social media, yearning for simpler times.

“There’d be no allegations, no statements, no clarifications. Just pastry and vibes,” he added.

Witnesses say Hipkins briefly nodded to himself, as if mentally engineering a return to old fashioned, fluff-based distraction.

“People loved it. Kiwi bloke, sausage roll, bit of sauce on the shirt. That was enough,” he continued. “You didn’t have to say anything because the media would just make something up for you.”

Insiders say he has been “quietly exploring options” to reintroduce baked goods into the national conversation, with plans including a highly visible lunch stop in one of the shittier parts of Lower Hutt.

“There’s something honest about it,” Hipkins said, still staring through the glass. “You can’t fake a sausage roll moment.”

Hipkins has now apparently moved his regular comms team catch up forward a day to share his pastry-based re-re-brand. 

More to come. 

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