EYE CANDY

Dave Nixon, 38, from Christchurch, has spent the better part of his Saturday afternoon pacing back and forth in his front yard.

“Just look at that, would ya?” Dave again said to no one in particular.

When approached for further comment, Dave initially offered nothing beyond his signature phrase. “Seriously, mate, just look. Go on, look! You won’t see better!”

After our reporters failed to get much out of Dave given he was just repeating the same phrases over and over, his wife Tessa spoke to us.

“He’s been out there for three hours now,” she sighed, leaning against the doorframe. “He won’t even come inside until the sun starts setting because he says the ‘golden hour’ makes the lawn look its best.” Tessa said, annoyed that her husband had also not done many other chores around the house that needed doing.

As the hours ticked by, Tessa grew increasingly irritated.

“He’s just procrastinating. He promised me he’d clean the gutters today, but apparently, the lawn needed ‘emergency attention.’”

“Every time I try to talk to him about the other things that need doing, he just says, ‘Tess, Tess, Tess, would ya just look at it for a second? Appreciate it.’ Like I haven’t seen the lawn a million times. It’s grass, Dave.”

More to come. 

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The post “Just Look At That Would Ya” Says Man For The Tenth Time While Admiring Own Lawn appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NOISE POLLUTION

Dave Wilkes, 32, a public servant working for the Department of Conservation in Wellington, had high hopes for a productive day working from home.

Nestled in his cozy Lower Hutt home, he had planned to tackle his to-do list of email correspondence, report writing, and possibly even finishing that long-overdue strategic review on native plant conservation. But little did he know that his tranquil office space was about to be ripped apart by the sounds of a very different kind of “nature” outside his window.

“Honestly, I just don’t understand the need,” Wilkes muttered, eyeing his laptop screen, which was now filled with a mix of half-composed emails.

“I’m in a department that’s all about conservation—preserving nature, fostering quiet environments. And yet, here I am, trying to write a report about native ecosystems, and this guy’s out there making sure that not a single leaf remains in the vicinity of his front yard. For two hours!”

According to Wilkes, his neighbour Bob had already completed a significant section of his yard, but evidently, that wasn’t enough. 

“Hasn’t he finished? How long does it take? Doesn’t he know I’m over here trying to deliver value to the people of Aotearoa?”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Man Working From Home Has Serenity Derailed By Neighbour’s Relentless Two Hour Leaf Blowing Session appeared first on The Whakataki Times.