POLL PROMPTING

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has reportedly asked staff to “look into” whether the latest political poll showing National slumping to 28.4% was actually written by ChatGPT, after noticing what he described as “suspiciously creative negativity.”

The latest Taxpayers’ Union–Curia poll placed Labour at 34.4%, a six-point lead over National, a result Luxon said contained “all the hallmarks of AI interference.”

“Look, I’m not saying it was written by ChatGPT,” Luxon told reporters while sounding like he was generated from a prompt himself.  “But when you see numbers like that you do have to wonder whether someone typed in a prompt like ‘Write a poll result where National collapses and Labour surges dramatically.’”

Luxon confirmed he had asked staff to investigate whether the polling firm had accidentally pasted the ChatGPT’s output field into the results.

“What I will say is that I’d just like to see the original instructions,” he said. “Something like ‘Pretend National is polling badly and make it sound believable.’ That would explain quite a lot. The shareholders of New Zealand would never vote National down like that.

The Prime Minister added that if artificial intelligence was involved, the Government would consider regulating it.

Deputy Prime Minister Nicola Willis conceded the numbers were “not ideal,” though she stopped short of blaming artificial intelligence.

“It is not a good number,” Willis said on Newstalk ZB earlier today. “If that was the number National got in an election it would not be acceptable. But we’re confident voters will eventually correct the poll once they realise it may have been written by a chatbot.”

Meanwhile, staff inside the Beehive confirmed Luxon has begun experimenting with ChatGPT himself, asking it several questions including “How to fix poll numbers quickly,” and “Rewrite poll so National wins.”

At the time of publication, the chatbot had reportedly replied: “I’m sorry, but I cannot fabricate election results.

More to come. 

The post Luxon Questions Whether Latest Poll Results Were Generated By ChatGPT appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

U-TURN

Ben Fraser, 34, from Christchurch, who once achieved the rare and deeply confusing feat of failing his full driver licence practical test says he feels “cheated” by the Government’s newly announced changes to the licensing system. The changes mean people going from their restricted to full license won’t actually have to sit the test at all.

After failing his full licence in 2010 as a teenager, Fraser says today’s announcement has reopened emotional wounds he thought had healed, but very clearly have not.

“Every time I hear the words ‘practical driving test,’ my eye twitches and my mind goes back to when I failed my practical with that douchebag of a driving instructor,” he vented. “And now these kids won’t even have to sit a practical test at all? They just get their full license without doing anything?” 

Under the Government’s proposed changes, drivers will no longer need to sit a second practical test to progress from a restricted to a full licence, a move Transport Minister Chris Bishop says will make the system cheaper and more efficient and cut costs by around $80.

“I earned my damn licence the hard way. Failing once and then having to pay to resit the whole thing again. Now they’re just handing them out like free samples at Pak’nSave? 

“Teenagers just get everything bloody handed to them these days don’t they,” Fraser concluded, explaining that he’s now permanently suspicious of anyone under 25 behind the wheel.

More to come.

The post Local Man Who Somehow Failed His Full Licence Feels Cheated By New Changes appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FOR OLD TIME’S SAKE

Judith “Crusher” Collins was in good spirits this afternoon after announcing her retirement from a 25 year career in politics.

Collins earned the nickname “Crusher” back in 2009 when she proposed that boy racers should have their cars crushed as punishment for breaking road laws. By 2017, official figures showed that only three cars were actually crushed under the legislation, making it one of the more symbolic policies of the era.

Today, in what aides described as a “full circle moment”, Collins marked her exit from Parliament by arranging for her own parliamentary BMW to be crushed into a neat metal cube.

“It seemed like a fitting end to a career in politics,” Collins told reporters, standing a safe distance away from the hydraulic press. “I never really got to crush any boy racers’ cars in the end, so getting to crush this car, which also isn’t technically mine, feels very on brand.”

The vehicle, which had been used to ferry Collins to countless meetings, press conferences and tense coalition negotiations, was lowered into the crusher to polite applause from a small group of onlookers and staffers who had nothing else scheduled for the afternoon.

“It’s quite emotional,” said one former staffer. “That car has seen a lot. Mostly painful Wellington traffic.”

Collins watched on approvingly as the machine did its work, nodding slightly as the roof buckled.

“There’s something very satisfying about it,” she said. “You wait years for something decisive to happen, and then it finally does.”

The crushed BMW will reportedly be displayed briefly in Te Papa before being recycled, much like several policy ideas from Collins’ long career.

As for retirement, Collins says she is looking forward to a quieter life as President of the Law Commission. 

“Less meetings. Less noise. And absolutely no cars to crush,” she said.

“So talofa everyone”.

More to come. 

The post Crusher Collins Celebrates Retirement By Having Her Own Parliamentary Vehicle Crushed appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RELATABILITY REBOOT

The Prime Minister’s PR team has wrapped up what one insider described as a “desperate but creative” brainstorming session today.

With a string of dire polling results and Christopher Luxon’s ongoing struggle to come across as relatable to everyday Kiwis, the National Party’s brains trust has quietly floated the idea of replacing him with an AI-generated version for social media videos.

“All the videos we do of him just seem cringey and he doesn’t actually come across as genuine or human. I mean he’s more likely to get mistaken for a robot than an actual robot!” said one of his social media team, who has had the impossible task of making him seem human.

The plan involves creating deepfake-style AI videos that would allow “Virtual Luxon” to smile naturally, appear relaxed, and even laugh at a normal human volume.

“Imagine a Luxon who can say something as simple as ‘how good’s the weather today, eh?’ without it sounding like he’s reading from carefully crafted key messages,” said another staffer. “That’s the dream.”

Early prototypes of “Virtual Luxon” have tested well with the PR team.

“One version we trialled had him shaking hands on the street and saying, ‘Hi, I’m Christopher, nice to meet you. How are you today?’ We all cried tears of joy. It was the most human thing we’d ever seen him do,” admitted a campaign strategist.

Not everyone was convinced. One senior PR aide mused: “If we make him too normal, voters might realize he’s not actually real. But at this stage a fake AI Luxon is genuinely better and more human than the real thing.”

More to come.

The post Luxon’s PR Team Making AI Version Of Him That Seems More Human appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

YOU BELONG WITH ME

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon is once again trying to attract Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce to New Zealand.

Today Luxon’s Government approved foreign investment in New Zealand from overseas buyers, but only if they invest a minimum of $5 million into New Zealand. This has been interpreted as a clear attempt to appeal to celebrities and rich listers.

“Of course, we know you have options, but New Zealand has everything from stunning landscapes to world-class experiences. Not only would we love  to host you for your wedding, but to also make New Zealand your forever home,” Luxon pleaded in another humiliating social media post.

Last week, Luxon posted a painfully earnest video congratulating Swift and Kelce on their engagement, clearly hoping to nudge them into a Kiwi wedding.

“Well, Taylor and Travis, a big congratulations on this fantastic news. Getting engaged is such an exciting time,” Luxon said a few days ago, before pivoting into his pre-written Tourism NZ key messages.

“Now I know you might not be thinking this far ahead, but there would be no better place in the world to have the wedding than here in New Zealand, or even your honeymoon,” he said.

This week, he couldn’t help himself but try his hand again just days after the power couple’s engagement. 

“So Taylor and Travis, what I’ve done now is I’ve made sure you can buy your dream home in New Zealand. I’ve lifted the foreign buyer rules and made sure you can live your fairy tale life. Gee, Travis, I’d love to play a round of golf with you and have a boys day out!”

“If you buy your dream mansion here, we can promise uninterrupted serenity and hey, I can even make you some of our classic pavlova!”

More to come. 

The post Luxon Desperately Trying To Sell A New Zealand House To Taylor Swift And Travis Kelce appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WAIKATO WIPEOUT

In today’s highly anticipated Budget 2025 announcement, Finance Minister Nicola Willis confirmed that absolutely no funding has been allocated to promote Hamilton as a tourist destination — not even a couple of bucks for a pamphlet.

“Look, I’m not going to sit here and pretend Hamilton is some sort of hidden gem,” said Willis.

“It’s not hidden. It’s just… there. And it’s certainly not a gem,” said Willis, now even more resolute that Hamilton will be getting zero dollars in her 2025 Budget.

Despite pressure from local MPs to fund a campaign encouraging both domestic and international tourists to “Give Hamilton A Go”, the Finance Minister was again firm.

“Let’s be honest, most New Zealanders only go to Hamilton when they’ve accidentally missed the turnoff to Raglan or if  their team from out of town is playing against the Chiefs,” she added.

“I’m not going to be putting the hard earned dollars of New Zealanders into promoting a city, that well, I’m not really sure what’s actually there,” said Willis, pondering whether some council buildings and a river was it for the city.

Willis later revealed to the Whakataki Times that $8 million had instead been set aside for a new nationwide campaign encouraging tourists to simply “go to Queenstown again.”

Self-proclaimed “Hambassadors” Steve Holloway and Seamus Marten, also hosts of the Between Two Beers podcast were contacted, but were reportedly too distraught about the funding snub to comment.

More to come. 

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EARNING BACK TRUST

Legacy media outlet Stuff has proudly unveiled its latest strategy to win back the public’s confidence: dropping a solid “c-bomb” into every article, regardless of subject matter, tone, or relevance.

The bold new direction comes after Political Journalist of the year Andrea Vance made headlines by calling senior female government ministers “c****” in a Sunday Star-Times column — a moment that has since been reframed by Stuff as “a powerful trust-building exercise.”

“We saw the public’s reaction to Andrea’s language and thought — hang on, maybe this is the authenticity we’ve been missing,” said a Stuff editorial spokesperson, wearing a freshly-designed rainbow lanyard.

Now, under the new guidelines, all reporters must find a way to work the c-word into every story, even if they’re writing about a missing cat or a new farmer’s market.

“Tone is irrelevant,” confirmed the spokesperson. “What matters is cutting through. New Zealanders say they want realness, and we’re prepared to go full Martyn Bradbury to give it to them.”

This linguistic Hail Mary comes just weeks after the latest AUT Trust in News report showed only 32% of Kiwis trust the news media. Rather than reflect on the damage caused by years of condescending, biased coverage, Stuff has decided that offensive swear words are probably the solution.

Sources say the new style guide includes helpful tips like:

• “If you can’t work it into a quote, just throw it in the intro paragraph.”
  
• “Use as a noun, verb, or adjective — versatility is key!”
  
• “If in doubt, blame context.”
  

Not everyone’s convinced. Former readers have called the move “embarrassing,” “pathetic,” and “a bold shift towards being one of many independently unhinged blogs of the left.”

Stuff maintains this is all part of a strategic pivot to connect with “younger audiences,” though many suspect the real target is anyone left who still remembers how journalism used to work.

More to come. 

The post EDITORIAL STANDARDS: Stuff Now Requiring Every Article To Include At Least One C-Bomb appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

STRATEGIC PLAN

Christopher Luxon has announced a bold new initiative to “drive positive online outcomes” by banning under-16s from social media.

Speaking in what appeared to be fluent LinkedIn, Luxon told reporters the policy would “unlock safety synergies for our youngest stakeholders, while future-proofing the digital landscape for multi-generational engagement.”

Translation: teenagers won’t be allowed on TikTok anymore.

“This is a strategic move to align with our trans-Tasman partners, based on recent Australian developments in the youth-digital interface space,” said Luxon, while appearing to believe that was a normal sentence for a Prime Minister to say.

When asked if this would require digital ID to verify people’s ages — and open the door to tracking everyone online — Luxon paused, smiled, and replied, “We are actively exploring scalable verification pathways which will ensure confidence from all parties in the online user journey.”

Kiwis around the country are still trying to figure out if they’re being governed or managed into the ground.

“He talks like he’s about to sell me a subscription to a cloud-based HR system,” said Lower Hutt mother Sheree Edwards. “I just want to know if my 14-year-old can still post memes.”

Critics have suggested that introducing a law like this would, by necessity, mean every internet user would need to prove their age — leading to digital identity systems. But Luxon quickly hosed that down, reassuring the public that “there’s no current roadmap for that deliverable.”

Meanwhile, Australians have already passed a similar law and are now trying to figure out how to implement it without turning the entire internet into an airport security line.

“Look, this is about empowering parents and guardians with the tools to manage digital engagement.”

More to come. 

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