WE GONE RIIIDE TONIGHT

Despite being left in the lurch today, Snoop Dogg’s New Zealand fans have been given a lifeline according to the underfire promoter, 4ward Entertainment.

Kiwi hip-hop legend Dei Hamo has reportedly stepped in to save the day after one of their promoters was accused of sexual assaults against multiple women, which caused them to cancel Snoop Dogg’s show.

Dei Hamo,  whose 2004 hit We Gon’ Ride dominated local charts for weeks in 2004, was described by the promoter as “an artist of impeccable credentials… if you’re nostalgic for the mid-2000s.”

When asked whether he had been approached for the gig, Dei Hamo, now 50 years of age, sounded cautiously optimistic.

 “Look, it may have been over 20 years since I made an impact on the music scene in New Zealand or anywhere,” he said, “and if there’s an opportunity to remind people I exist… I guess I could dust off my microphone and ride again.”

Ticket holders reportedly responded to the news with a mix of confusion and cautious excitement. One fan was overheard saying, “Snoop Dogg out, Dei Hamo in… well, that’s still technically hip hop.

“I haven’t listened to him since I had a flip phone nearly two decades ago. But great to see the big man back! We gone riiide tonight!”

More to come. 

The post Snoop Dogg Pulls Out But Promoter Says It’s Still Not Too Late To Sub In Dei Hamo appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

EVEN DAVE CAN’T SAVE

After close to an hour on hold with the IRD, Andrew Young, 32, has lost all sense of time, space, and faith in bureaucratic efficiency.

Even after Dave Dobbyn’s classic anthem “Slice of Heaven” came on, which gave him a brief moment of nostalgia, it still failed to relieve the pain of nobody coming close to picking up the phone.

“I get it, my call is ‘important’ to you,” Andrew ranted to no one in particular. “But is it important enough for someone from the IRD to pick up? Or are you just serenading me with Dobbyn as a cruel distraction from the fact that no one will ever answer?

“It’s a banger, no question,” he said, still tapping his foot after hearing it for the fourth time. “But IRD have found a way to erase any happiness I may have gained from listening to this song.”

When asked whether he’d considered hanging up, Andrew quickly dismissed the idea. “Oh no, they’ve got me now. I’m in too deep. I can’t let this hold music break me. I just want to hear a human voice before I die, preferably before I hear Dave Dobbyn’s again.”

As Slice of Heaven looped for the fifth time however, Andrew’s last remaining fragments of hope began to slip away.

More to come. 

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The post Slice Of Heaven Song Fails To Ease Hellish Reality For Man On Hold To IRD appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CAN’T TAKE THAT AWAY

While fans scramble to secure tickets and relive their youth with the announcement Oasis is making a comeback after 15 years, another name has surfaced in the conversation—though not for the reasons one might expect. 

Ben Lummis, the winner of the first season of New Zealand Idol back in 2004, is still very much not planning a comeback. 

In a world where nostalgia seems to be the hottest commodity, Lummis appears happy to continue his quiet life in Te Awamutu, where he manages a gym and provides for his wife and three children. 

Despite repeated attempts by the press to drum up interest in a Lummis resurgence, the singer remains resolute. “I’m happy where I am,” Lummis said in a rare social media post to his 347 followers, including several loyal bots. 

While Lummis is still making music in his spare time and singing at his church, a full time music career is the last thing on his mind. 

“The world doesn’t need another version of Can’t Take That Away when Oasis is back to fill that void.”

“Maybe Michael Murphy could make a comeback”

More to come. 

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The post Oasis Back Together But Still No Clear Signs Of A Comeback From Ben Lummis appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHO THE HELL IS ICE SPICE?

34-year old Hamish Bevan finally accepted reality today, after bearing witness to a bewildering lineup announcement for Rhythm and Vines. 

Bevan attended the popular music festival, also known as “RnV”, as a spritely 19 year old back in 2009. But now that he has a wife and children, he has found himself squinting at today’s lineup announcement and wondering who or what “Ice Spice” is. 

“I had to google ‘Ice Spice’ in the end. Female rapper who was nominated for a Grammy recently? God I’m old,” he groaned. 

The only name the millennial man was able to correctly identify was Dave Dobbyn, who was at the height of his popularity in the 70s and 80s. 

“Saw that Sir Dave is going to be there, probably for a late afternoon set I guess. And then off to bed at a reasonable hour. 

“Shit I’m feeling tired just thinking about RnV.”

After further inspection of the Stuff article he was reading, which listed the names from the first lineup announcement, he was pleased there actually were a couple more he knew. 

“Oh RL Grime, yep I remember him. And Gin Wigmore! I know Gin!” he said as he became embarrassingly excited. 

Bevan would not elaborate further on his completely outdated music knowledge, after it became clear he had fallen asleep on the couch. 

More to come. 

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The post Millennial Accepts Old Age After Only Being Able To Recognise Dave Dobbyn’s Name In RnV Lineup appeared first on The Whakataki Times.