HITTING THE BOOKS

After going viral with her polarising breaking routine at the Paris Olympics, B-girl Raygun has returned to what she does best – writing convoluted academic essays about urban culture. 

However Rachel Gunn, as she is known outside of the hip hop world, is not writing to get a good grade. In fact she moved on from life as a student some years ago, and now works as a lecturer at Macquarie University. 

Raygun is now working on an essay to send to the International Olympic Committee, outlining exactly why she didn’t deserve her total score of zero in the breakdancing competition. 

“I think the judges just didn’t understand the irony or the political satire I injected into my routine,” Gunn told our reporters matter-of-factly. 

“When you’re able to single-handedly decolonise breakdance culture, while honouring African American culture, like I have, then you can start work on recolonising the artform in a modern context.”

Ms Gunn was seen tapping out her 10,000 words in a trendy cafe in Sydney’s Surry Hills, with the Apple logo on her laptop on full display. 

“I just find it easier to write when I’m in a public setting, and I’m seen to be writing,” she said. 

“Writers write,” she added profoundly. 

Gunn says she isn’t trying to get any results overturned necessarily – she respects the judges’ final decision. But she does want to educate her colleagues on the complex juxtaposition of urban dance culture and the playing kit of the Australian one day cricket team. 

“It was ultimately a statement about racism in both Australia and more globally, and what that means for both Australian wildlife and conversely the oppressed people of Palestine,” she said with a knowing smirk. 

“This thought piece is going to blow minds.”

More to come. 

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The post Raygun Writing 10,000 Word Essay About Why She Deserved More Than Zero Points appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOO HEY RACHEL RAY

Scott “Razor” Robertson might soon be ousted from his throne if performances don’t improve. His potential replacement? None other than Rachael “Raygun” Gunn, the most talked about breakdancer in the world.

Razor Robertson, known for his electric personality and post celebration back-spins, is reportedly feeling the pressure after dropping their opening match to Argentina. If the All Blacks fail to bring home the trophy, Razor might have to hang up his dancing shoes—forever.

“Raygun” has gone viral across the globe the past week after her uncanny breakdancing performances saw her gain zero points at the Olympic Games.

With the All Blacks having a tough schedule for the remainder of the Rugby Championship, there’s real pressure Robertson’s breakdancing skills could be forgotten about altogether.

Raygun gave a rare interview quote to our reporters.

“I didn’t score any points at the Olympics, sure, but I think I could bring something fresh to rugby—like a combination of breakdancing and lineouts. Maybe even a cringey Haka mashup with some windmills? I’m just spitballing here.”

More to come. 

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The post Razor May Be Replaced by Raygun if All Blacks Don’t Win Rugby Championship appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE

All Blacks coach Scott “Razor” Robertson has taken an unorthodox approach to motivate his team after their shocking 38-30 loss to Argentina in Wellington last night.

Following the final whistle, the dejected All Blacks gathered in the locker room at Sky Stadium, bracing themselves for Razor’s usual post-match pep talk. But instead of words of wisdom or motivational speeches about how the team can get better, Robertson introduced Australian b-girl “Raygun”, fresh from her exit from the Olympic Games.

To the AB’s horror, Australia’s breakdancing representative gave a private performance, right there in the changing room. Gunn, who has become infamous for failing to score a single point in her three-round robin matches, was now the centre of the All Blacks’ attention.

“We’ve faced tough opposition before, but nothing prepared us for this,” admitted one All Blacks player, still visibly shaken by the experience of watching some Aussie woman attempt to breakdance.

The performance included various strange body movements that aimed to showcase Australian culture, which included but were not limited to hopping around like a kangaroo. 

Sources close to the team say that Robertson’s decision to forgo his own breakdancing tradition in favour of Gunn’s cringe-inducing routine was a calculated move, and as the embattled woman’s performance mercifully came to an end, Robertson finally addressed his shell-shocked All Blacks players.

“This is what happens when you don’t give it your all,” he said. 

“Next time you think about slacking off, remember this moment. Because if we lose again, there’s plenty more where that came from,” he said, hinting at the fact he may produce his own horrific dance routine next time the team doesn’t win.

More to come. 

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The post All Blacks Forced To Watch Australian Woman Breakdance As Punishment For Losing appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SURELY..

Will Baker, an armchair critic of epic proportions, believes that despite not competing in any form of competitive sport since high school, he could qualify for the Los Angeles summer games in 2028.

The 27 year old says that with a bit of hard work and dedication, there’s surely an event that he could pick up well enough to qualify.

“There’s just so many niche things in the Olympics nowadays, surely there’s something I could pick up over the next couple of years,” he said before reaching for a handful of chips next to his lazy boy arm chair. 

“I mean, obviously nothing like running or swimming. But what about archery? Or shooting? I could pick that up with a bit of practice,” he said without any consideration of the hours and hours of practice these athletes put themselves through to get to the Olympics. 

“Just have to be able to aim straight at a target right? Be cool under pressure? I do that on Playstation every day.”

Baker then descended into a deeper delusion as he began fantasising about competing in field events. 

“Javelin maybe? I played a bit of cricket back in the day and always had a strong arm. I reckon I just need to refine the run up and get the technique right,” he said as he brushed crumbs from his singlet that was leaving the bottom of his stomach exposed. 

“2028 here I come!” 

More to come. 

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The post Bloke Who’s Done Nothing But Sit On The Couch Watching Olympics Reckons He Could Make L.A In 2028 appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO JAKE!

Jake “The Muss” Heke, well known for his violence against women, believes he has a real chance at Olympic women’s boxing in 2028.

The ‘Once Were Warriors’ star made the announcement after seeing a controversial fight between Italian boxer Angela Carini and Algerian Imane Khelif. Carini quit the match in the first minute after being hit once in the face and suffering a suspected broken nose. 

Khelif has been disqualified previously by the International Boxing Association (IBA) for being biologically male, however no such rules apply at the Olympics this year. Jake Heke was naturally thrilled about the result. 

“Woah, I didn’t know men were allowed to beat up women at the Olympics. I wish I’d found this out sooner!” he said excitedly. 

Khelif was born with “DSD” (differences in sex development) and was raised from birth as a girl. Unfortunately for Khelif, one of those differences was a Y chromosome, meaning that boxing in the women’s division is deemed too dangerous by the IBA. 

With men having on average 90% more upper body strength than women, there has been backlash about the decision to let the Algerian compete in the women’s division at all. 

Heke meanwhile has begun his training for 2028. 

“Fitness is key! Don’t wanna get caught out doing too much weights and not enough speed work!” 

More to come. 

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The post Jake The Muss Keen To Give Women’s Boxing A Go appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GUN SHOW

34-year-old Mike Flanders has always had an admiration for Olympic canoeist Lisa Carrington’s muscular arms.

After seeing her burst onto the scene at the 2012 Olympics in London, Flanders has almost always been self-conscious about his own biceps and triceps in comparison to the five-time gold medalist.

“Every time I see her in the news, I can’t help but think, ‘Why couldn’t I have arms like that?’” Mike lamented while struggling to carry his grocery bags from the car. Despite his best efforts, including a gym membership, protein shakes, and a strict regimen of push-ups and bicep curls, Mike’s arms remain stubbornly ordinary.

“If I had guns like hers I’d be the guy in the house who could get the lid off the jar and be the one that others ask for help.”

“She’s one of our best chances for Olympic gold in Paris, but every time she races all I can think about is my own physical inadequacy.

“What do I need to do? Go and buy a canoe or something?”

More to come. 

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The post Local Man Wishes He Had Arms Like Lisa Carrington appeared first on The Whakataki Times.