SILVER LININGS

Former All Blacks coach Scott ‘Razor’ Robertson may not have to wait long before finding something meaningful to do with his spare time.

Robertson was sensationally sacked by NZ Rugby today, with the board coming to the conclusion that it was best to part ways with Razor before the 2027 Rugby World Cup.

However, there may be silver linings for Robertson should he struggle to find another coaching gig altogether.

In a statement, NZ Rugby suggested Robertson’s talents might be “more transferable in breakdancing” sparking speculation that Robertson may finally look at life after rugby.

Robertson spoke exclusively to our reporters this afternoon.

“Look, a tough day, but there’s silver linings. I was hoping to one day breakdance in front of the Rugby World Cup with the All Blacks. But look, maybe there’s a chance to finally follow my passion of breakdancing and make it in Australia,”  Razor said with his eyes beaming.

NZ Chair David Kirk also gave comment to our reporters.

“Scott’s got incredible energy,” he said. “They’ve got an interesting standard over there in Australia and judging by their showing at the Olympics I think Razor’s got a chance to make a real impact.”

More to come. 

The post RAZOR SACKED: Scott Robertson Finally Free To Pursue Breakdancing Career In Australia appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HITTING THE BOOKS

After going viral with her polarising breaking routine at the Paris Olympics, B-girl Raygun has returned to what she does best – writing convoluted academic essays about urban culture. 

However Rachel Gunn, as she is known outside of the hip hop world, is not writing to get a good grade. In fact she moved on from life as a student some years ago, and now works as a lecturer at Macquarie University. 

Raygun is now working on an essay to send to the International Olympic Committee, outlining exactly why she didn’t deserve her total score of zero in the breakdancing competition. 

“I think the judges just didn’t understand the irony or the political satire I injected into my routine,” Gunn told our reporters matter-of-factly. 

“When you’re able to single-handedly decolonise breakdance culture, while honouring African American culture, like I have, then you can start work on recolonising the artform in a modern context.”

Ms Gunn was seen tapping out her 10,000 words in a trendy cafe in Sydney’s Surry Hills, with the Apple logo on her laptop on full display. 

“I just find it easier to write when I’m in a public setting, and I’m seen to be writing,” she said. 

“Writers write,” she added profoundly. 

Gunn says she isn’t trying to get any results overturned necessarily – she respects the judges’ final decision. But she does want to educate her colleagues on the complex juxtaposition of urban dance culture and the playing kit of the Australian one day cricket team. 

“It was ultimately a statement about racism in both Australia and more globally, and what that means for both Australian wildlife and conversely the oppressed people of Palestine,” she said with a knowing smirk. 

“This thought piece is going to blow minds.”

More to come. 

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The post Raygun Writing 10,000 Word Essay About Why She Deserved More Than Zero Points appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOO HEY RACHEL RAY

Scott “Razor” Robertson might soon be ousted from his throne if performances don’t improve. His potential replacement? None other than Rachael “Raygun” Gunn, the most talked about breakdancer in the world.

Razor Robertson, known for his electric personality and post celebration back-spins, is reportedly feeling the pressure after dropping their opening match to Argentina. If the All Blacks fail to bring home the trophy, Razor might have to hang up his dancing shoes—forever.

“Raygun” has gone viral across the globe the past week after her uncanny breakdancing performances saw her gain zero points at the Olympic Games.

With the All Blacks having a tough schedule for the remainder of the Rugby Championship, there’s real pressure Robertson’s breakdancing skills could be forgotten about altogether.

Raygun gave a rare interview quote to our reporters.

“I didn’t score any points at the Olympics, sure, but I think I could bring something fresh to rugby—like a combination of breakdancing and lineouts. Maybe even a cringey Haka mashup with some windmills? I’m just spitballing here.”

More to come. 

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The post Razor May Be Replaced by Raygun if All Blacks Don’t Win Rugby Championship appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE

All Blacks coach Scott “Razor” Robertson has taken an unorthodox approach to motivate his team after their shocking 38-30 loss to Argentina in Wellington last night.

Following the final whistle, the dejected All Blacks gathered in the locker room at Sky Stadium, bracing themselves for Razor’s usual post-match pep talk. But instead of words of wisdom or motivational speeches about how the team can get better, Robertson introduced Australian b-girl “Raygun”, fresh from her exit from the Olympic Games.

To the AB’s horror, Australia’s breakdancing representative gave a private performance, right there in the changing room. Gunn, who has become infamous for failing to score a single point in her three-round robin matches, was now the centre of the All Blacks’ attention.

“We’ve faced tough opposition before, but nothing prepared us for this,” admitted one All Blacks player, still visibly shaken by the experience of watching some Aussie woman attempt to breakdance.

The performance included various strange body movements that aimed to showcase Australian culture, which included but were not limited to hopping around like a kangaroo. 

Sources close to the team say that Robertson’s decision to forgo his own breakdancing tradition in favour of Gunn’s cringe-inducing routine was a calculated move, and as the embattled woman’s performance mercifully came to an end, Robertson finally addressed his shell-shocked All Blacks players.

“This is what happens when you don’t give it your all,” he said. 

“Next time you think about slacking off, remember this moment. Because if we lose again, there’s plenty more where that came from,” he said, hinting at the fact he may produce his own horrific dance routine next time the team doesn’t win.

More to come. 

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The post All Blacks Forced To Watch Australian Woman Breakdance As Punishment For Losing appeared first on The Whakataki Times.