SWEET DREAMS

Hannah Davies, 24, the Instagram wellness guru who insists on the importance of getting proper REM sleep each night definitely will not be getting any this weekend due to Christchurch’s Electric Ave music festival.

“You can’t green-smoothie your way out of a bad sleep schedule. Rest is the foundation,” Davies said, clearly a few lines deep into a white substance and right up the front of the festival’s main stage at Hagley Park.

The ever-growing popularity of Electric Avenue has seen pill testing tents set up at the gates, offering safety checks for substances that rarely contain ingredients like quinoa or activated charcoal. Hannah, however, opted for what she described as a “trust-based supply chain.”

“I believe in intuitive consumption,” she explained, moments before asking three strangers if the grass was “breathing aggressively.”

Despite spending the past six months flooding her Instagram stories with stern reminders that anything less than eight hours sleep is “self-sabotage,” Davies seemed remarkably relaxed about the fact she’d just shelved an entire circadian rhythm in favour of a suspiciously crumbly line she’d confidently described as “just a little boost.”

“You can’t out-green-juice a bad sleep schedule. Rest is the foundation,” she repeated diligently.

“I usually protect my sleep like it’s sacred,” Davies explained, bouncing lightly on the balls of her feet.

“But tonight, I’m open to exploring other dimensions of consciousness. Missing one full night can’t hurt, right? Just a little something to elevate the experience, y’know?”

More to come.

The post WIRED AWAKE: Health Guru Who Preaches 8 Hours Sleep Each Night Now On Fourth Line At Electric Ave appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ENERGY MYSTERY

A Lower Hutt woman has launched a personal investigation this week after once again waking up exhausted despite what she describes as “a pretty chill lifestyle”.

Emma Cartwright, 34, says she is baffled by her constant fatigue, noting that she “doesn’t even do that much”.

“I just don’t get it ay,” said Cartwright, opening her third can of V in as many hours. “I’m not training for anything. I’m not running marathons. I basically sit down all day.”

Cartwright confirmed her daily routine includes driving to work, sitting at a desk, driving home, then sitting on the couch while scrolling on her phone until around midnight.

Diet-wise, Cartwright describes herself as “pretty balanced”, alternating her Uber Eats choices between McDonald’s, KFC and what she calls “healthy options” such as garlic bread.

“I had a Coke Zero instead of normal Coke yesterday,” she said hopefully.

Despite this, Cartwright reports feeling “absolutely wrecked” most afternoons and has begun speculating about underlying causes.

“It could be hormones. It could be stress. It might even be something genetic,” she said. “Mum’s always tired too.”

Flatmate and CrossFit enthusiast Tyler Mason said he had gently suggested that exercise and vegetables might help, but sensed it was not the right time.

“I just said maybe a walk would be good,” Mason said. “She looked at me like I’d suggested moving to Palmerston North.”

Cartwright has now purchased magnesium tablets and a sleep spray from Chemist Warehouse and says she is hopeful they will resolve the issue.

“Once I get my energy back I might start Pilates,” she said. “But obviously I need my energy first.”

Cartwright has confirmed that she is “conserving energy” tonight, by lying down and watching Tiktoks about burnout. 

More to come. 

The post Local Woman Who Does No Exercise And Only Eats Rubbish Asks Why She Feels “Tired All The Time” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHERE’S THE ROMANCE?!

In a Whakataki Times investigative series, our reporters are uncovering the harrowing stories behind the male loneliness epidemic. As the first part of that series, our reporters sat down for an exclusive interview with up-and-coming Sales Manager, Patrick Smelton.

Smelton, aged 32, has reached the 52nd day of a painful dry spell with long-time girlfriend, Caroline Prebble.

Speaking from the apartment they share, Smelton revealed the pain he is enduring as a result of his girlfriend’s constant claim that she is “too tired” for sex.

“She keeps telling me that she does enough round the house without having to get me off too, but I dunno what that’s supposed to mean!” Smelton lamented as he gazed out the crystal clear glass of his living room windows, the smell of Windex in the air.

Smelton explained that he and Caroline once shared an active and healthy romantic relationship which, on occasion, got him in trouble.

“I actually used to skip work so we could bang, I ended up on a disciplinary…but those days are gone…”

As Smelton’s voice trailed off, the sound of a tumble dryer whirred in the distance. But the pitiful, peaceful scene of the interview was soon interrupted by the sound of Prebble, interjecting from the island bench.”

“Patrick stop telling people I won’t shag you and come and get your dinner!”

The interview was cut short. But not without time for one final remark from Smelton: “I think we put too much on women these days. What can we do to make them less tired, and leave more room for love?”

More to come.

The post Man Can’t Understand Why Girlfriend Is Too Tired for Sex After Doing His Laundry And Cooking His Meals appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY

A 20-year-old Hokitika farm worker has today confirmed that he has never been to Auckland, has no plans to go to Auckland, and is absolutely convinced he would hate Auckland.

Speaking from the milking shed at 5.45am, Jonty Fraser explained that not only does he have everything he needs on the West Coast, but that the entire North Island is “basically pointless anyway”.

“I’ve never been up there, no,” he said, rinsing down the concrete. “But I already know what it’s like. Packed. Loud. Everyone’s in a rush. No thanks.”

Jonty, who has made it as far as Nelson once and “didn’t rate it”, says the South Island offers everything a person could ever need.

“What do you get in Auckland that we don’t have here? Traffic? Expensive beers? People wearing buttoned shirts?” he asked, genuinely confused as to why anyone would leave a region with both grass and mountains visible at all times.

“And you’ve got that bridge up there too. Always seems to be some issue with it. Not sure what exactly but I don’t need bridge-based stress in my life.”

According to Jonty, his circle of mates also see no reason to travel north of Kaikōura.

“We had a yarn about it last week actually,” he said. “None of us could think of a single reason to go to Auckland. Not one. Someone said ‘Sky Tower’, but then we all remembered you can watch a video of it on YouTube.”

While Auckland remains completely hypothetical to him, the young farmhand is confident in his assessment.

“Reckon I’d last maybe ten minutes there before getting fed up with it,” he said. “Imagine paying twenty bucks for a burger. Couldn’t pay me.”

Asked if he felt even slightly curious about exploring the rest of the country, Jonty shook his head.

“Nah. I’ve got the beach, the bush, the farm, and Mum’s roast on Sundays. What else do you need? North Islanders can keep their chaos.”

He then hopped back on his quad bike, satisfied that he had once again successfully avoided the North Island. 

More to come. 

The post Bloke Who’s Never Left The West Coast Confident He’d Hate Auckland appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

OVERACTIVE

Brenden Harvey often appears as though he has nothing better to do in his life than post messages into the Facebook group chat he has with his friends.

The 28 year-old from Auckland is quite clearly the most active member in the group called “Auckland’s Finest”, which includes around 16 friends, who usually  use the chat to organise social events and outings. 

“Honestly, does he even do any work during the day?” asked mate Josh Harper, who opened his phone after a meeting to find “like 17 notifications, all from Brendon on an array of topics.

“I mean, you can tell when he really pisses people off,” he explained. “Like, you’ll just see it: ‘Sarah Tilley has left the group.’ Happens every few weeks now. It’s basically our internal alarm system for when Brendon’s gone on another rant and people in the group are sick of it. Hopefully everyone else has the chat on mute”

Brendon, however, remains completely unbothered by the criticism of other group members.

“If they don’t reply, that’s fine,” he said. “I assume they’re reading it and laughing at their desks. Or busy. Or both. But someone’s gotta keep the vibe going.”

At press time, Brendon had just posted another seven-message streak, ending with:

“Anyway, anyone keen for a BBQ on Saturday?

Helloooo???”

More to come.

The post One Person Single-Handedly Responsible For 97% Of Group Chat Activity appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DROUGHT ON THE OCEAN

Chad Wallace, 35, returned from his Labour Weekend fishing trip on Sunday afternoon with an impressive haul of absolutely nothing once again.

Wallace, who recently dropped over $2,000 on a top-of-the-line Shimano fishing setup “guaranteed to change the game,” spent three days on the water achieving results consistent with his previous budget rod, except this time, with more sunburn, debt and shame to his name.

“Mate, it’s not about catching fish really is it? It’s about the experience,” said Wallace, peeling a layer of skin off his nose like a man removing wallpaper. “Plus, the bloke at the shop said pros use this one.” he said, throwing down fish and chips with fish not caught by him.

 Wallace spent much of the trip swearing quietly at the horizon while opening and closing the same tackle box for hours at a time. His only confirmed catch was a seagull that briefly tangled in his line before escaping with his sandwich.

“I think the fish were intimidated I guess,” he explained, gesturing proudly at his gleaming rod. “You bring a weapon like this rod into their territory, they know you mean business.”

Friends who joined the expedition confirmed that after 48 hours of “intense angling,” Wallace eventually gave up and bought a scoop of chips and a battered hoki from the Paihia wharf.

“He kept saying the gear’s still ‘dialling in,’” said mate Ben Sullivan. “Then he ordered a second tartare sauce and called it a win.”

Despite catching no fish and getting mild heatstroke, Wallace insists he’s “buzzing for the next trip,” and is already browsing online for a $600 cooler to “complete the setup.”

More to come.

The post Man Spends $2k On Fishing Rods And  Gets Nothing But Sunburn And Fish And Chips appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CHERRY PICKED CONTENT

A Lower Hutt man has again been lovingly deployed to Upper Hutt’s Aston Norwood Gardens, tasked with capturing his girlfriend’s seasonal social media content under the cherry blossoms.

Twenty-four-year-old Ben Radcliffe arrived early on Saturday morning, faithfully carrying an expensive Canon camera, tripod, and tote bag containing various outfit changes for his girlfriend, Olivia. Locals said he looked “like a man who had been briefed extensively.”

“She said the lighting’s best before ten,” said Ben, straightening his girlfriend’s floral dress between takes. “I didn’t really know what that meant, but I’ve been trying to keep her in good light since we got here.”

Olivia was seen at the gardens striking a series of poses among the pink blossoms while Ben crouched, adjusted settings, and nervously asked if she wanted portrait or landscape.

“She hasn’t smiled at him once,” said one onlooker, “but he looks hopeful that maybe, when he gets the perfect shot, she’ll say something nice.”

Aston Norwood’s Cherry Blossom Festival attracts hundreds of couples every spring, many of whom seem to share a similar dynamic — the woman in full command of vision and angles, and the boyfriend operating like a quiet production assistant.

“I don’t mind, honestly,” Ben told reporters, balancing the tripod on a slope. “She says I’m the only one who gets her angles right, so that must count for something.”

After an hour of shooting, Olivia reportedly told Ben that the photos were “fine, for now,” before instructing him to grab some behind-the-scenes footage for her story.

By mid-morning, Ben was spotted smiling quietly to himself, muttering that maybe he’d earned a “thank you” this year.

“I think we got some great shots,” he said, brushing blossom petals off his hoodie. “She might even tag me this time.”

More to come.

The post Hapless Boyfriend Of Instagram Gets Wheeled Out For Cherry Blossom Photoshoot appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FELINE FACTS

A study released today by the Massey Institute of Domesticated Animals has confirmed what all humans and most cat owners have long suspected – all cats are assholes.

Historically cats have always had a bad rap. Back in medieval times they weren’t allowed in the same room as babies, after several reported instances of cats smothering infants to death in their cribs. 

A further nail in the feline coffin is the fact that witches always favoured cats as their choice of ‘familiar’ – a companion or assistant that the witch had a magical connection with. 

And it’s no coincidence that 90% of history’s villains, everyone from Vito Corleone in the Godfather, to Dr Evil and Gargamel, had a cat as their sidekick. 

Putting aside that mountain of historical evidence, the two year study conducted lab sessions, thousands of hours of in-home monitoring of domestic cats in their owner’s homes, and extensive interviews with cat owners from every demographic and socioeconomic group. 

And the findings were conclusive, as outlined by the Program Director, Herman Wahlburg. 

 “Of the thousands of cats that we studied, every one displayed some form of assholeness in their behaviour patterns and general demeanour. 

“You’ve got your lazy assholes, arrogant assholes, destructive assholes, vain assholes, and of course the classic – unaffectionate, superior assholes. 

Unsurprisingly, lots of kittens were cute assholes, but as they get bigger, all cats get less cute and more asshole like.”

“Of course, most cats tick more than one of the above behavioural or attitudinal boxes, for example a large majority of cats are lazy, arrogant, non-affectionate, manipulative assholes.”

“Then you’ve got a small percentage of truly evil assholes, I mean if you’ve ever seen a cat mercilessly torment a small bird or lizard for hours, you know what I’m talking about.”

The study is expected to create some controversy amongst the cat lovers of New Zealand, but the reality is that deep down, they know that their beloved feline companion is an asshole of some description.

When informed of the study’s findings by our reporter, cat owner Anthony Stevens of Masterton had this to say. 

“Look, I know Molly doesn’t respect or even like me, but at least I don’t have to spend every evening at the park picking up dogshit and making small talk with a bunch of assholes I can’t stand.”

More to come

The post Groundbreaking Research Finds Cats Still Massive Jerks appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO RESPECT

A plastic Sistema container belonging to a Wellington man was once again tossed aggressively into a kitchen cupboard yesterday, joining the rest of the mismatched collection.

Thirty-one-year-old Callum Fraser had just finished transferring leftover spaghetti bolognese into the container before giving it a quick rinse. Moments later, the innocent food vessel was launched with little ceremony into a dark, overcrowded cupboard in the bottom corner of the kitchen.

Witnesses described the noise as “the usual plastic avalanche” as the container collided with its stablemates. The cupboard door was immediately slammed shut to contain the chaos.

“It’s tough as nails, mate,” Fraser explained. “These things can handle anything. I don’t stack them neatly because what’s the point? They’re not glassware. They’re Sistema.”

The containers, known nationwide for their rugged durability and easy-locking lids, have become a fixture in Kiwi kitchens. Ironically, this strength has earned them little respect.

“If you know it won’t break, you just hurl it in there,” Fraser admitted. “I think I’ve been treating them rough for years and not one has cracked. Lids go missing, sure, but the tubs themselves are indestructible.”

Flatmate Rachel agreed, saying the cupboard had effectively become a free-for-all. “It’s survival of the fittest in there. Nothing’s colour-coded, nothing stacks properly, but no one cares. They just chuck them in and slam the door before the pile falls back out.”

Experts estimate that the average Kiwi household has at least one Sistema container that is old enough to have seen the Helen Clark government, but still works perfectly fine.

Fraser has no plans to change his system of violent storage. “Every time I open the cupboard and hear the rattle, I know they’re still in there, still alive. That’s good enough for me.”

More to come.

The post Local Man’s Sistema Container Gets Forcefully Chucked In Cupboard Like The Rest Of Them appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BENCH BATTLE

Tensions are boiling over in a central-city Christchurch flat this week as Jake Wilkes continues to test the limits of human patience by leaving a small mountain of weekend dishes on the kitchen bench.

“I honestly thought he meant after dinner, not after a week,” groaned flatmate Emma Thompson, gesturing helplessly at a teetering tower of plates with food scraps on them, mugs, and general rubbish.  

Another flatmate, Jay Patel, described the situation as “emotionally draining.” “We tried gentle reminders through the Facebook group chat, such as, “Hi guys, whose dishes are these? They’ve just been here a while.” fully knowing they were Jake’s.

Jake then defended his inaction, claiming he had “just been so busy” and that “after dinner” is a flexible term. When pressed about the looming standoff, he shrugged. “I thought if I let them sit, maybe they’d just disappear somehow.”

 The flatmates are holding an emergency meeting tonight to decide whether to wash the dishes themselves or put them outside his door to make a point. Jake meanwhile has remained pretty relaxed about the whole situation.

“I considered doing them myself, but then I realized someone else might enjoy the simple joy of cleaning. Like what’s the big deal, they aren’t hurting anyone.  If anyone feels that strongly about cleanliness, they can always take matters into their own hands.”

More to come. 

The post Flatmate Who Said They’d Do Dishes ‘After Dinner’ Now Entering Day 5 Of Standoff appeared first on The Whakataki Times.