I AM YOUR WORLD!

Parents, Sammie and Will, love their 2-year-old, Millie, but have become increasingly frustrated by her devious attempts to derail their rare date nights.

The young parents say their prodigious child has single handedly scheduled major medical emergencies and minor natural disasters, all in an effort to prevent them from giving attention to something, or someone, other than her.

An exasperated Sammie explained, “the first time we tried going to the movies, there was an outbreak of gastro that affected all the local movie theatres. We couldn’t believe it.”

But then, Will said, it happened again: “The following week we thought we’d try our luck at the theatre, but the whole place flooded five minutes before doors opened!”

It was on their fifth attempt at date night that the couple started to believe a greater force was at play. According to Sammie, “we knew by the third gastro plague that this was no coincidence. It was obvious Millie had something to do with this.”

Millie, they say, was a miracle baby whose life was the greatest blessing they ever received. They feel only she could be capable of instigating such diverse and devious diversions to derail date night.

Millie agrees.

Speaking to the Whakataki Times via a toddler translator, Millie claims to be “the world leading block stacker and puzzle solver” as well as “the best baby born on earth,” not to mention “this universe’s most beloved human.”

It was a logical next step, she says, to step into “social deviant, ruiner of lives.”

She admits, however, that not all her parents’ cancelled plans were her doing. The second gastro outburst, Millie says, was due to some cross contamination in the movie theatre’s popcorn machine. But she claimed the victory regardless.

“I am literally their world. Their world is nothing without me. If they try to leave me, they mustn’t expect anything good to come of it.”

More to come.

The post Toddler Plans Medical Emergency, Minor Disaster, To Coincide With Mum And Dads’ Date Nights appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DANGER NEUTRALISED

A Wellington man successfully navigated a high-risk family gathering this weekend after preventing his 69-year-old mother from delivering what experts described as a “freshly downloaded opinion” acquired during the previous evening’s TV news.

The incident occurred shortly after breakfast as three generations of the family gathered around the dining table, creating ideal conditions for the opinion to be deployed.

Witnesses say the man’s mother had already assumed the familiar posture indicating an imminent political statement, including a slight lean forward and the opening words, “Did you hear what the government is doing now?”

Recognising the warning signs, 35-year-old Tom Thompson immediately initiated diversion protocols.

“I could see it loading,” Thompson said.

“You get this look where she’s halfway between annoyed and excited. It’s like she’s just been handed a mission.”

Thompson reportedly interrupted the conversation by asking whether anyone had seen the neighbour’s new fence.

“That bought me about seven minutes.”

When the political opinion later attempted to re-enter the discussion through a comment about healthcare funding, Thompson successfully redirected attention toward a family debate about whether tomatoes belong in a fruit salad or not.

“Honestly, I don’t even know what the latest outrage was supposed to be,” he said.

“I stopped watching the news years ago. Half the time every channel seems to have already decided what you’re meant to think before they tell you what happened.”

His mother, meanwhile, expressed disappointment that several important topics had gone undiscussed.

“I was only saying what everyone is thinking,” she said.

Thompson’s father, who spent most of the conversation quietly eating toast, said the strategy appeared effective.

“She’s forgotten what she was angry about now,” he said.

“Mind you, she’ll probably download something else to be annoyed about tonight.”

Thompson is understood to be preparing several back-pocket diversion topics for the next couple of days, including new shops opening in the local area, grandad’s new dog and which plants to plant in the garden next.

More to come.

The post Millennial Skillfully Diverts Mum Away From Launching Into Freshly Downloaded Political Opinion appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

AISLE OF ANGER

Nelson woman Nicole Harris has confirmed she was left “honestly disappointed” this week after her partner failed to match her response to Pak n Save once again rearranging their shopping aisles.

On Sunday afternoon the couple entered the Richmond supermarket to do what Nicole described as “a very straightforward shop”, when they discovered the wraps had been moved away from the bread section “for no real reason at all.”

Nicole reportedly became visibly frustrated by the change, while her partner Matt continued pushing the trolley with what she called a “completely inappropriate level of calm.”

“I just thought he’d at least acknowledge how annoying it was,” said Nicole while unpacking groceries into matching glass containers. “Fair enough if you don’t want to fully rant about it, but he was acting like it was some tiny thing.”

Nicole says the situation worsened after Matt suggested the supermarket may have “had their reasons” for changing the layout.

“That was probably the worst part of it. He started talking about ‘the flow of traffic’ and saying maybe they’d analysed customer behaviour. Since when are we defending Pak n Save?”

Matt confirmed he had noticed the change but did not realise he was expected to emotionally engage with it.

“I just figured they’d moved some stuff around,” he said. “She kept looking at me waiting for something and eventually I realised I was apparently meant to be angry too.”

He later attempted to recover the situation by calling the new layout “bloody confusing,” though Nicole said the comment felt forced and “far too late to feel genuine.”

Relationship expert and Nicole’s friend Emma Thompson says situations like this are common in long-term relationships.

“A lot of women aren’t necessarily looking for solutions,” she explained. “They just want confirmation that the thing was in fact annoying and that they’re not alone in carrying the emotional burden of noticing irritating changes at the supermarket.”

Later today, Matt had reportedly said the new chip location “actually is a bit cooked”, but was apparently not able to convince Nicole that he actually cared that much.

More to come.

The post Local Woman Annoyed That Partner Was Not Also Annoyed By Thing That Annoyed Her appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MUSCLE MEMORY

A Palmerston North man has confirmed that despite not touching a calculator in nearly two decades, his body still instinctively remembers the exact sequence required to spell “BOOBIES” upside down.

The incident occurred Tuesday evening after 34-year-old Ryan Fletcher discovered an old Casio calculator while cleaning out an oversized Sistema container in his garage.

According to Fletcher, the device still had enough battery life to perform what he described as “the only calculation he regularly referred back to.”

“I didn’t even have to think about it,” said Fletcher, holding the calculator like it was an artefact found at some archaeological dig. “I turned it on, typed 5318008, flipped it upside down and just started grinning at it, with no one around me.”

Fletcher said the move felt “completely automatic,” comparing it to riding a bike or backing out of a very familiar driveway.

“You spend all of intermediate trying to get the biggest possible reaction from any and all boys that may be nearby. This knowledge is going to stay in my brain for life.”

He admitted he briefly considered showing his wife before deciding the inevitable eye roll wouldn’t actually be worth the effort. 

Friends who later heard about the discovery were reportedly unsurprised.

“Makes sense that Ryan remembers calculator boobies but forgets literally any important password,” said mate Josh McKenzie. “If civilisation collapsed tomorrow, the rebuild would be very difficult but I think men would still find a way to write boobs on things.”

Fletcher reportedly also attempted to spell other words on his newly discovered Casio, but was never able to out-do the GOAT.

More to come.

The post Local Bloke Finds Old Calculator And Immediately Types “5318008” Like He’s In Intermediate Again appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WINNING WAYS

A Hamilton man has done what many thought was impossible, by not only packing the dishwasher wrong last night, but also putting several items in random cupboards and drawers this morning.  

Ryan McKenzie, 33, was pleased with the result, surprising even himself that he could be this hopeless, as judged by his wife Amy. 

“Yeah look it was always going to be a tough ask to get both things completely incorrect, but I somehow managed it on this occasion. Generally it’s just one or the other, so it’s pleasing to get both wrong at the same time,” he said in his post-match interview. 

“Cheers to the judge officiating as she’s always very involved and keen to make sure the game can flow smoothly,” said McKenzie, as Amy was seen rolling her eyes and leaving the room. 

Our reporters were able to catch up to her just in time to get a brief comment on her husband achieving The Double.

“I don’t understand why it’s so hard to take a bit of extra time and pack the dishwasher properly, so you get the most out of each wash,” said Amy as she relocated a pair of tongs from one kitchen drawer to another. 

“Urgh and why is this here?” she asked as she removed a glass from the coffee mug section of another drawer. 

Ryan meanwhile made an interesting observation following his big win. “Believe it or not, despite me putting the dishes in the dishwasher in the completely wrong order, they still came out spotlessly clean. Incredible isn’t it?”

McKenzie is now apparently on the lookout for other household chores that he can complete to a poor standard.

More to come. 

The post Local Man Gets The Double After Packing Dishwasher Wrong And Putting Dishes Away Wrong appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SWEET DREAMS

Hannah Davies, 24, the Instagram wellness guru who insists on the importance of getting proper REM sleep each night definitely will not be getting any this weekend due to Christchurch’s Electric Ave music festival.

“You can’t green-smoothie your way out of a bad sleep schedule. Rest is the foundation,” Davies said, clearly a few lines deep into a white substance and right up the front of the festival’s main stage at Hagley Park.

The ever-growing popularity of Electric Avenue has seen pill testing tents set up at the gates, offering safety checks for substances that rarely contain ingredients like quinoa or activated charcoal. Hannah, however, opted for what she described as a “trust-based supply chain.”

“I believe in intuitive consumption,” she explained, moments before asking three strangers if the grass was “breathing aggressively.”

Despite spending the past six months flooding her Instagram stories with stern reminders that anything less than eight hours sleep is “self-sabotage,” Davies seemed remarkably relaxed about the fact she’d just shelved an entire circadian rhythm in favour of a suspiciously crumbly line she’d confidently described as “just a little boost.”

“You can’t out-green-juice a bad sleep schedule. Rest is the foundation,” she repeated diligently.

“I usually protect my sleep like it’s sacred,” Davies explained, bouncing lightly on the balls of her feet.

“But tonight, I’m open to exploring other dimensions of consciousness. Missing one full night can’t hurt, right? Just a little something to elevate the experience, y’know?”

More to come.

The post WIRED AWAKE: Health Guru Who Preaches 8 Hours Sleep Each Night Now On Fourth Line At Electric Ave appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ENERGY MYSTERY

A Lower Hutt woman has launched a personal investigation this week after once again waking up exhausted despite what she describes as “a pretty chill lifestyle”.

Emma Cartwright, 34, says she is baffled by her constant fatigue, noting that she “doesn’t even do that much”.

“I just don’t get it ay,” said Cartwright, opening her third can of V in as many hours. “I’m not training for anything. I’m not running marathons. I basically sit down all day.”

Cartwright confirmed her daily routine includes driving to work, sitting at a desk, driving home, then sitting on the couch while scrolling on her phone until around midnight.

Diet-wise, Cartwright describes herself as “pretty balanced”, alternating her Uber Eats choices between McDonald’s, KFC and what she calls “healthy options” such as garlic bread.

“I had a Coke Zero instead of normal Coke yesterday,” she said hopefully.

Despite this, Cartwright reports feeling “absolutely wrecked” most afternoons and has begun speculating about underlying causes.

“It could be hormones. It could be stress. It might even be something genetic,” she said. “Mum’s always tired too.”

Flatmate and CrossFit enthusiast Tyler Mason said he had gently suggested that exercise and vegetables might help, but sensed it was not the right time.

“I just said maybe a walk would be good,” Mason said. “She looked at me like I’d suggested moving to Palmerston North.”

Cartwright has now purchased magnesium tablets and a sleep spray from Chemist Warehouse and says she is hopeful they will resolve the issue.

“Once I get my energy back I might start Pilates,” she said. “But obviously I need my energy first.”

Cartwright has confirmed that she is “conserving energy” tonight, by lying down and watching Tiktoks about burnout. 

More to come. 

The post Local Woman Who Does No Exercise And Only Eats Rubbish Asks Why She Feels “Tired All The Time” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHERE’S THE ROMANCE?!

In a Whakataki Times investigative series, our reporters are uncovering the harrowing stories behind the male loneliness epidemic. As the first part of that series, our reporters sat down for an exclusive interview with up-and-coming Sales Manager, Patrick Smelton.

Smelton, aged 32, has reached the 52nd day of a painful dry spell with long-time girlfriend, Caroline Prebble.

Speaking from the apartment they share, Smelton revealed the pain he is enduring as a result of his girlfriend’s constant claim that she is “too tired” for sex.

“She keeps telling me that she does enough round the house without having to get me off too, but I dunno what that’s supposed to mean!” Smelton lamented as he gazed out the crystal clear glass of his living room windows, the smell of Windex in the air.

Smelton explained that he and Caroline once shared an active and healthy romantic relationship which, on occasion, got him in trouble.

“I actually used to skip work so we could bang, I ended up on a disciplinary…but those days are gone…”

As Smelton’s voice trailed off, the sound of a tumble dryer whirred in the distance. But the pitiful, peaceful scene of the interview was soon interrupted by the sound of Prebble, interjecting from the island bench.”

“Patrick stop telling people I won’t shag you and come and get your dinner!”

The interview was cut short. But not without time for one final remark from Smelton: “I think we put too much on women these days. What can we do to make them less tired, and leave more room for love?”

More to come.

The post Man Can’t Understand Why Girlfriend Is Too Tired for Sex After Doing His Laundry And Cooking His Meals appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY

A 20-year-old Hokitika farm worker has today confirmed that he has never been to Auckland, has no plans to go to Auckland, and is absolutely convinced he would hate Auckland.

Speaking from the milking shed at 5.45am, Jonty Fraser explained that not only does he have everything he needs on the West Coast, but that the entire North Island is “basically pointless anyway”.

“I’ve never been up there, no,” he said, rinsing down the concrete. “But I already know what it’s like. Packed. Loud. Everyone’s in a rush. No thanks.”

Jonty, who has made it as far as Nelson once and “didn’t rate it”, says the South Island offers everything a person could ever need.

“What do you get in Auckland that we don’t have here? Traffic? Expensive beers? People wearing buttoned shirts?” he asked, genuinely confused as to why anyone would leave a region with both grass and mountains visible at all times.

“And you’ve got that bridge up there too. Always seems to be some issue with it. Not sure what exactly but I don’t need bridge-based stress in my life.”

According to Jonty, his circle of mates also see no reason to travel north of Kaikōura.

“We had a yarn about it last week actually,” he said. “None of us could think of a single reason to go to Auckland. Not one. Someone said ‘Sky Tower’, but then we all remembered you can watch a video of it on YouTube.”

While Auckland remains completely hypothetical to him, the young farmhand is confident in his assessment.

“Reckon I’d last maybe ten minutes there before getting fed up with it,” he said. “Imagine paying twenty bucks for a burger. Couldn’t pay me.”

Asked if he felt even slightly curious about exploring the rest of the country, Jonty shook his head.

“Nah. I’ve got the beach, the bush, the farm, and Mum’s roast on Sundays. What else do you need? North Islanders can keep their chaos.”

He then hopped back on his quad bike, satisfied that he had once again successfully avoided the North Island. 

More to come. 

The post Bloke Who’s Never Left The West Coast Confident He’d Hate Auckland appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

OVERACTIVE

Brenden Harvey often appears as though he has nothing better to do in his life than post messages into the Facebook group chat he has with his friends.

The 28 year-old from Auckland is quite clearly the most active member in the group called “Auckland’s Finest”, which includes around 16 friends, who usually  use the chat to organise social events and outings. 

“Honestly, does he even do any work during the day?” asked mate Josh Harper, who opened his phone after a meeting to find “like 17 notifications, all from Brendon on an array of topics.

“I mean, you can tell when he really pisses people off,” he explained. “Like, you’ll just see it: ‘Sarah Tilley has left the group.’ Happens every few weeks now. It’s basically our internal alarm system for when Brendon’s gone on another rant and people in the group are sick of it. Hopefully everyone else has the chat on mute”

Brendon, however, remains completely unbothered by the criticism of other group members.

“If they don’t reply, that’s fine,” he said. “I assume they’re reading it and laughing at their desks. Or busy. Or both. But someone’s gotta keep the vibe going.”

At press time, Brendon had just posted another seven-message streak, ending with:

“Anyway, anyone keen for a BBQ on Saturday?

Helloooo???”

More to come.

The post One Person Single-Handedly Responsible For 97% Of Group Chat Activity appeared first on The Whakataki Times.