NOWHERE TO RUN

A 26-year-old Christchurch woman has become increasingly concerned that she has developed a “weird running style” despite general indifference from everyone around her. 

Sophie Hopkins, who recently decided to get into fitness, says she actually enjoys running but has become distracted by what she describes as “whatever the hell my arms are doing.”

“I like running, I genuinely do,” Sophie said. “But every time I see myself running past a reflection of a car or  window, I think, ‘Fuck, that looks weird.’”

Sophie said she has spent the past three weeks attempting to correct her running technique, despite having no formal knowledge of running technique.

“I’ve tried keeping my arms lower, then higher, then not moving them as much,” she explained. “At one point I was consciously thinking about every single step, which somehow made me run even more strangely.”

Her boyfriend reportedly told her she looked completely normal.

“I don’t believe him,” Sophie said. “I think everyone looks weird when they run. I just wish I could stop thinking about what my legs are doing.”

She is now considering taking up cycling, believing that sitting down and pedalling would be harder to get wrong. 

More to come.

The post Local Woman Getting Into Fitness Now Convinced She Has A Weird Running Style appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SLED AHEAD

Jarrod Kearney, 30, from Wellington, has officially declared what he insists the entire world has been missing: Hyrox. “I used to chase PRs on wall balls with CrossFit. Now I chase glory across 8 kilometers and eight brutal stations. Hyrox is what fitness was always meant to be.”

Fresh from competing at the Hyrox competition in Auckland over the weekend, which he let all of his friend groups know about by plastering it across his social media channels,  Kearney now can’t stop talking about training for his next Hyrox competition and how it is the most elite level of fitness.

“It’s simple but brutal,” he said. “You run a kilometer, smash a workout station, repeat eight times. It tests your endurance, strength, and cardio. CrossFit doesn’t compare to this.

“I just want people to feel the same revelation I did,” Jarrod explained, slamming a sandbag onto the floor for emphasis. “CrossFit was fun, but it was a chaotic circus. Hyrox is fitness distilled—run, lift, repeat, repeat, repeat… eight times. You can’t fake it. You can’t cheat. You either do it, or you cry in the corner.”

Friends of Kearney have noticed the transformation. “He used to be insufferable when talking about CrossFit a decade ago” said a former gym buddy, who requested anonymity. “Now he’s just punishing us with all this Hyrox stuff. Honestly, it looks kinda similar. Just another cult really.”

Kearney himself acknowledges that Hyrox isn’t for everyone. “It’s definitely tough,” he said. “I wouldn’t say it’s easy, but that’s the point. It pushes you in a way nothing else does. CrossFit has its place, but Hyrox really makes you see what your body can do.”

More to come.

The post Former CrossFit Guy Announces Hyrox Is “What Fitness Was Always Meant to Be” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CALF CONFESSIONS

Mick Woodlake, 35, decided to squeeze in a run during the final days of his annual leave, which his legs have yet to forgive him for as he punished them with 10 kilometers around Hagley Park in Christchurch today.

“I felt like I could take on the world, maybe even run a half marathon… until about kilometer seven,” Woodlake said, wincing as he sat on his couch with a strategically placed ice pack. “Now my legs are sore. But, you know… good sore. The kind of sore that makes you feel alive, or at least like you achieved something. Kind of.”

Woodlake, who normally sticks to gentle jogs around Hagley Park as a bit of extra fitness, admitted he may have underestimated the challenge of running 10 kilometers straight. “I thought, ‘Hey, it’s only 10k,’” he explained. “Turns out, it’s a lot. My legs are questioning my choices here, but my ego feels amazing,” said Woodlake, proudly uploading his run to Strava and various social media platforms.

Fellow park-goers reportedly observed Woodlake passing them at what he described as “a respectable pace,” though one onlooker noted he “looked like a man who had made a very bad decision for his knees.”

When asked if he planned to do it again, Woodlake shrugged. “Maybe tomorrow. Or maybe in, like… a year. I’m going to need time to recover from this good sore first. I don’t usually go for long slow runs.”

By the end of the day, Woodlake’s legs remained sore, his pride slightly bruised.

“Not bad for an old pair of legs,” he muttered, plopping onto the couch. “Could’ve gone worse… could’ve gone way worse. 10k’s I’ll take that,” he explained and eyed up one of his few remaining beers in his fridge. 

More to come.

The post Man Who Went For Run This Morning Says Legs Are “Sore” But “Good Sore” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SEASONAL SURGE

Jake Morgan, 29, had barely finished his second warm-up set at the gym on January 1 when he realised something was wrong.

“I just remember thinking, this is louder than usual,” Morgan said, glancing around at a busier than usual Les Mills gym. “Normally at this time it’s just me, the squat rack, and one other bloke who nods but never speaks.”

After enjoying what he described as “a solid, responsible eight hours of sleep,” Morgan arrived at his Christchurch gym at 6:04am, fully expecting a routine start to the year. Instead, he was confronted by an unfamiliar sight: dozens of people he had never seen before.

““Early January it’s like clockwork. You get a wave of enthusiasm, brand-new shoes and  activewear kit from Christmas presents, along with absolutely no spatial awareness,” said the regular gym goer who had also made appearances on each of the public holidays to date.

Despite the disruption, Morgan remained calm, noting that experience had prepared him for the annual phenomenon.

“I’ll be honest, I just ride it out. You don’t want to judge, but you do,” he said. “By mid-February it’s back to normal. The selfies from the newbies stop, the benches free up, and the squat rack is once again respected.”

Morgan says he bears no ill will toward the newcomers, provided they understand their place in the gym ecosystem.

“Everyone’s got to start somewhere,” he said. “Just maybe not in my line of sight.”

At the time of publication, Morgan had already adjusted his training schedule by seven minutes to avoid peak enthusiasm hours, confident that “nature will take care of the rest.”

More to come.

The post Dedicated Gym Bro Braces For January Flood Of Fakes And Phonies appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SQUAT, SNAP, SHARE

25-year-old Hannah Sutton put her body, soul, and sports bra to the test in a brutal three-minute workout at Les Mills this morning—just enough to earn the sacred right to post a glistening post-gym selfie to her 2,134 Instagram followers.

“It was honestly one of the hardest workouts I’ve done this week. Honestly I’m done for the day,” said Sutton, whose weekly workouts tend to last the length of maybe two Instagram reels.

The Christchurch woman appeared to spend  more time in the mirror arranging her AirPods and tightening her ponytail than actually training, although it didn’t stop her from posting a selfie with the caption “Gym Life #NoDaysOff”

“I just believe that discipline and workouts can look different for everyone,” she added as she put back some weights which she barely did any reps with.

“At least I’ve got out the front door and turned up here. Now is that all the questions? The light is pretty average over here,” Hannah said, while looking at the best spot in the gym for another selfie.

As our reporters tried to get further comment, Hannah was spotted leaving the gym with her pink protein shaker, telling a friend over speakerphone, “Ugh I’m DEAD. That workout actually ruined me today.”

More to come. 

Big fan of the Whakataki? You can also follow us on Insta.

The post Gym Goer Endures Gruelling 3-Minute Workout To Earn Right To Post Insta Selfie appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MID LIFE CRISIS 

31-year-old Scott Griggs has decided on a whim that now is the perfect time to sign up for a half marathon for next to no reason.

“I thought, why not? Running is all the rage at the moment, especially ‘run clubs’,” Scott explained, adjusting his gym shorts that are clearly more suited for the couch than a 21-kilometre run. 

His logic, however, seems to be based on an increasingly fragile foundation. Griggs is quick to note that he’s “definitely not a runner,” yet he is convinced that his prior extensive experience with a sluggish 5km jog during pre-season rugby training a few years ago qualifies him for the grueling challenge ahead.

“I reckon I’ll just pace myself, take it easy, and enjoy the scenery. Plus, it isn’t like a full marathon, how hard can it be?” said Griggs, who is likely going through a midlife crisis.

When asked about his training regime, Scott responded confidently, “I’ll just start running next week. Maybe a couple of 5ks here and there, or like, a solid walk. You know, ‘train smart.’ I’m sure my body will figure it out. That muscle memory will come good.”

More to come. 

The post Bloke Who “Doesn’t Run” Somehow Convincing Himself A Half Marathon Is A Great Idea appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WE GET IT, YOU’RE FIT

A 34-year-old man running shirtless through Hagley Park has failed to turn any heads this afternoon, despite his best efforts.

Jake Wedlock, a recreational jogger from St Albans, was halfway through what he described as a “gruelling” 7 km loop around Hagley Park, when he decided to peel off his moisture-wicking sports singlet  and expose his glistening torso to Christchurch.

“It was just so hot, and I thought, y’know, I’ve been hitting the gym kinda consistently for like, four weeks now,” Wedlock told reporters, panting and visibly salty, both from sweat and perceived lack of attention.

“I thought maybe a few people might notice the progress — especially the upper chest and the faint signs of an ab coming through.”

Unfortunately, the only noticeable thing was the way Jake’s shirt dangled from his waistband like a sad, sweaty flag of misplaced confidence.

Local passerby Elaine Morton, 67, who was walking her miniature schnauzer, had front-row seats to Wedlock’s torso reveal.

“I thought he might have been having a heat stroke,” she said. “Then I realised he just wanted people to look at him. But we didn’t.”

Wedlock persisted with his topless crusade for the remaining 5kms, occasionally throwing in an exaggerated sidestep to dodge slow-moving tourists and forcing his breathing into loud, deliberate exhales he hoped would sound athletic.

“I just thought I’d get a bit more of a reaction, maybe a nod from a fellow runner or a double-take from someone at a café,” said Jake, who appeared to genuinely believe he was operating on a Zac Efron level of allure.

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by NZHL’s most switched on mortgage advisors. Take back control of your current mortgage or get advice on how to get your first home loan.

The post Shirtless Jogger Impresses Nobody During Run appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MUSCLE MEMORY

Hagley Park regulars were treated to another masterclass in nostalgic footwork today.

This week it was 33-year-old Christchurch local Rhys Watson who turned his sluggish 5km jog into a highlight reel which looked like it was straight out of rugby’s golden era.

“It’s pure muscle memory,” he said, wiping sweat from his forehead after side stepping a handful of imaginary defenders.

“Back in the day, I played First XV for Shirley Boys’ High. Once you’ve sent one poor lad flying with a side step, it’s hard to shake the habit,” Watson recounted, also continuing to step side on the spot and fend off more imaginary would be tacklers with ease.

Watson, who  hasn’t played an actual game of rugby since 2009 admits he throws in the occasional sidestep to remind himself – and anyone watching – of his supposed glory days as a high school rugby player.

“You should have seen me in my college years. I was putting in the Skudder-step before it was a thing,” he said before raffling off details about some of his most memorable tries. 

“Honestly, Nehe Milner-Skudde probably watched tapes of me!”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Local Bloke Out for Jog Instinctively Sidesteps Imaginary Defender appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RUNNING AWAY FROM THE HANGOVER

Enthusiastic runner Isaac Holmes lied to himself and those around him this morning as he laced up his New Balances for his morning run. 

His claim was that despite having a life-altering hangover from a dozen plus beers the night before, he would be able to run as normal, and would actually cure his ailment completely. 

The bleary-eyed PR guy put on a brave face as he explained his reasoning. “I’ve been in this situation before and got through it fine. Nothing like a quick run to blow out the cobwebs and exorcise the demons,” he proclaimed. 

“This has been the plan all along. After my seventh or eighth beer I said to the lads that I’d be up and out the door for a run the next morning, no problems. And look, here I am,” he explained, neglecting to mention that he had really meant to just have one or two last night and have a pleasant morning after. 

Partner Caitlin had a different view. “Well, to be honest I think the only reason he’s so chipper this morning is because he’s still drunk. No one can out-run a hangover,” she announced correctly. 

“He’ll get home and say that it felt really good to sweat out the hangover and that he was a bit slower than usual. This is classic Isaac. 

“But after he’s had a shower his demons will begin to haunt him by noon and he’ll be passed out on the couch by 2,” predicted the woman who had clearly seen it all before. 

“It’s good that he’s getting up though, and going for a run because it’s better than nothing. But the idea that a sluggish 5k run is going to completely atone for a dozen beers is just ridiculous. 

“He might be able to outrun five beers, but no-one can outrun 12.”  

More to come.

Want to keep up with more of the news that’s important? Instagram works well for that! Check out the Whakataki Times on Insta.

The post Local Man Believes The 12 Beers Ravaging His Insides Will Vanish After A Sluggish 5k Run appeared first on The Whakataki Times.