BRUISED EGO

What was meant to be a wholesome celebration of Declan O’Toole’s 27th birthday turned into something more closely resembling the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan, after a rogue decision to kick things off with paintball.

The Christchurch man, who works in sales and “still kinda rates himself as athletic”, arrived at his own birthday dinner Saturday evening covered in bruises, welts, and the unmistakable aura of someone who’d been betrayed by his closest friends.

“Oh look it was meant to be banter,” said O’Toole, limping slightly as he entered Original Sin bar in a jacket zipped all the way up. “Just a bit of fun before drinks. But then one of the guys started calling it a ‘hostile takeover’ and took things way too far.”

“He brought this on himself,” said friend Jordan McRae, still visibly pleased with the 8–10 direct hits he landed on O’Toole’s back. 

“Oi show everyone the bruises Declan!” McRae yelled, laughing and pointing at his friend who looked like he’d just been at the bottom of a ruck.

Despite his condition, O’Toole remained upbeat through the evening, occasionally wincing when hugged or clapped on the shoulder.

“Honestly, I think it’s one of the best birthdays I’ve had,” he lied unconvincingly, clutching an espresso martini with a shaking hand. “Next year we’ll probably just do mini golf though.”

More to come. 

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The post Bloke Insists Paintball Was ‘Just a Bit of Fun’ Despite Being Covered In Painful Welts appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

The receptionist at Wellington’s Oriental Plaza may as well have kept the check-out time to herself when Mike Gillespie turned up on Friday afternoon.

Gillespie, 29, checked into the hotel ahead of his mate Steve’s stag do in the city. Gillespie had happily signed up for minimal sober hours during a two-day pub crawl along Wellington’s Courtenay Place and beyond. 

Katie Billingsley, the 24 year old who was working on reception at the time, explained to the Whakataki Times that she may as well have just handed Gillespie his room key without a word. Then at least he could just march himself up to his room without having to lie to her face about 10 o’clock Sunday being an achievable checkout time. 

“I mean it’s a bit of a ridiculous expectation isn’t it? Even if he somehow manages to fight through multiple snooze buttons to eventually get up at 9.45, he’s still going to be viciously hungover. Then he’d have 15 minutes to get himself out of the room with all of his belongings? Come on..” said Billingsley, who has seen it all before.

Gillespie, who’s mind was clearly wandering toward the prospect of beers and boobs, pretended to listen to all of the receptionist’s instructions while waiting for her to hand him his room key. He then assured Billingsley he would navigate his way back down to the lobby before 10:00am, after the booze-filled weekend.

“Oh look I think I’ll be fine. Breakfast from 6 o’clock isn’t it? Be good to get a feed in before my flight. Easy as!” lied Gillespie through clenched teeth, knowing full well he may not even make it to his 11:55am flight.

Billingsley, who was now frantically drafting up a note to the hotel’s housekeepers to not even bother cleaning Mike’s room before noon on Sunday, doubled down on his probable outcome.

“I mean he’s going to wake up with only an hour’s sleep under his belt. He won’t even have the taste in his mouth back by the time he knocks back one of our shitty inhouse instant coffees from a sachet. And he’ll have the mother of all hangovers. So before he asks, I’ll just book him a taxi from here directly to the airport close to his boarding time.”

More to come.

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The post Man Has Absolutely No Intention Of Checking Out Of Hotel Before 10 AM appeared first on The Whakataki Times.