FOREGONE CONCLUSION

The TAB has officially scrapped the option to bet on the Crusaders winning the upcoming Super Rugby Pacific final this Saturday — citing the result as “pre-determined” and therefore not a gamble worth taking.

The Crusaders, who face off against the Chiefs in Christchurch, boast a staggering home playoff record: 31 wins from 31 games, which is extremely unlikely to change come the final whistle after 80 minutes.

TAB spokesman Mark Goldstein explained the decision with a mix of amusement and resignation

“We love a good underdog story as much as anyone,” Goldstein said, “but the Crusaders’ home playoff record is basically the sporting equivalent of gravity — you can’t argue with it, you can’t bet against it, and frankly, it’s not really fun for anyone except their fans.”

Goldstein added, “Offering odds on the Crusaders to win at home is like selling insurance on whether the sun will rise tomorrow. It’s a predetermined outcome. We tried to crunch the numbers, ran all the algorithms, and every path led to a Crusaders win. So, for the sake of our sanity — and our wallets — we’ve removed that betting option.”

Chiefs fans, meanwhile, are reportedly considering alternate plans for Saturday night, including accepting defeat gracefully and just hoping their team loses with dignity. 

Meanwhile, TAB punters are advised to look elsewhere if they’re after a flutter with genuine uncertainty.

More to come. 

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UP THE WAHS 

While some financial analysts and everyday New Zealanders are eager to praise today’s Reserve Bank OCR cut, there’s an undeniable sentiment on the streets.

With 50 basis points slashed off the OCR today, which could stimulate growth in NZ, one thing is still lacking: confidence in betting on the Warriors at the TAB.

“Look, the economy’s great and all, but when it comes to betting on the Warriors, I’m keeping my money in my wallet,” said one anonymous punter, who spoke exclusively to The Whakataki Times.

“I’ve seen these guys get my hopes up higher than my mortgage repayments. It’s like they’re on their own official cash rate, and it’s all over the place.”

The Warriors are set to play in just a couple of weeks time in their NRL season opener against The Raiders. Many fans are still scarred from past seasons of near-glory followed by spectacular failure, causing a continual cautious approach to taking a punt on them early on.

“The Reserve Bank’s cutting rates, but they’re not cutting the heartbreak felt when the Warriors regularly blow a 16 point half time lead. I’d prefer to avoid punting on them at all costs.”

More to come. 

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LEAPING INTO ACTION

The Government’s bombshell decision to ban greyhound racing in New Zealand has left many Kiwis grappling with the fallout, none more so than 29-year-old Corey O’Connor from Christchurch.

O’Connor has spent the better part of his weekends at Addington Raceway and sporadically dabbling on random greyhound races in Palmerston North, where he’d watch online via the TAB website.

Racing Minister Winston Peters has announced the Government will phase out greyhound racing in the country by 2026, with the aim of rehoming some 2900 greyhounds.

With today’s news it means Corey will have to find other ways of blowing parts of his small paycheque each weekend, and he looks to be settling on the chaotic world of NBA multis.

“It’s the same vibe as the dogs,” he insisted. “You’ve got no idea what’s going on, but you’re hoping for the impossible. Just like trying to nail the First4, I’m hoping to pick 15 straight winners in a day’s play of the NBA” said O’Connor enthusiastically, despite having watched a minimal amount of NBA to date.

“I’ve got no idea who half the players are either,” Corey admitted. “But the thrill of putting a tenner on some dude from the Memphis Grizzlies to score exactly 17 points? Mate, that’s the same rush as backing Opawa Pawsome in the third race at Addington.”

More to come. 

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The post GREYHOUND RACING BAN: Bloke Forced To Start Blowing His Chump Change On Random NBA Multis appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHOA! ARE YOU SURE?

Joel Jacobson, 28, got the hearts of his office colleagues racing today as he coolly deposited $20 onto his TAB app and outrageously placed it all on a Crusaders head-to-head victory over Super Rugby’s newest team Moana Pasifika.

“Gee mate, are you really sure about that one?” said concerned colleague Tim Aikens.

“Don’t you worry buddy, it’ll be my shout later. I’ve got the inside scoop on this one!” chirped Jacobson, an auditor at Canterbury Hills Accountants.

The far-fetched bet comes as Moana Pasifika gets ready to play their first ever Super Rugby game, taking on the 12-time champions the Crusaders. Odds at New Zealand’s TAB have Moana Pasifika at $36, with the Crusaders at $1.01.

The Whakataki Times reporters also spoke to more colleagues of the now professional punter and asked them about what they thought of his high risk laydown.

“Oh gee wow, I just don’t want him to be short on cash for the weekend. Hope he isn’t blowing the bank with that extremley questionable $20 bet.” said Katie Galbraith.

“Oh really? Does he reckon the Crusaders are good for it tonight? Wow, what a fantastic tip! I’ll chuck $20 all on a head-to-head victory now. Tell Jacob thanks and I’ll get the first round.”

Jacobson was later seen walking around talking to other colleagues who were now eye rolling him as he continued to explain his genius bet.

More to come.

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