STRONG ALIGNMENT ENERGY

A newly installed Team Values poster in a central Wellington office is expected to become completely invisible to staff by the end of next week, despite being printed in full colour and placed directly above the coffee machine.

The laminated A2 poster, unveiled during a brief but meaningful morning tea at Disrupt on Monday, outlines five core principles including “Be Courageous”, “Own The Outcome” and “Bring Your Whole Self”.

Project coordinator Liam Barker said the poster represents “a genuine shift”.

“It’s about alignment,” Barker said. “If we can all just glance at it once or twice a day, you know, it starts to sink in subconsciously.”

Barker confirmed he personally chose a sunset gradient background to make the values feel “warm but still accountable”.

“You don’t want it too corporate. You want people to feel something when they look at it.”

Staff member Anita Rao said she noticed the poster immediately on Monday but could already feel her brain adjusting.

“It was quite bright at first,” Rao said. “Now it’s sort of blending in with the fire evacuation diagram and the roster for emptying the dishwasher.”

Rao confirmed she fully supports the values and looks forward to continuing to embody them without thinking about them ever again.

Organisational psychologist Megan Field said the phenomenon is common in modern workplaces.

“Human beings are very good at filtering out anything they consider not relevant,” Field said. “Especially if it’s in Helvetica and uses words like ‘journey’.”

Field predicts the poster will eventually become part of the wall itself, only noticeable when a new starter asks what the values are and somebody says “I think they’re on a poster somewhere”.

More to come.

The post New Team Values Poster In Office Predicted To Become Totally Invisible To Staff In Two Weeks appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BUBBLE BURST

Aro Valley local Ruby Galbraith, 30, has reportedly reached peak exasperation this week, as the annual Wellington Cup draws hordes of visitors into her beloved city.

“I just can’t,” Galbraith sighed, gesturing at a group of people swaggering confidently through Cuba Street, despite clearly ‘not being from around here’. 

“They’re… they’re from somewhere else. I can tell. By their shoes. And the way they’re smiling and laughing. It’s unsettling.”

The Wellington Cup, held at Trentham Racecourse in Upper Hutt, has long been a fixture of New Zealand’s social calendar. But for Galbraith, it represents a cultural invasion.

“They come in, dressed in suits from Hallensteins, wandering around Lambton Quay like they own the place,” she said. “And then they buy things. Expensive things. From real Wellington shops! I mean, who do they think they are?” she said, while also Tweeting to her regular echo chamber. 

Her disdain extends beyond fashion and perceived origins. “And the whole Cup thing? Horse racing? Animal cruelty? It’s 2026. We shouldn’t be celebrating animals running in circles for money. I’m all for Wellington values, coffee, creativity, progressive freedom, but this is just chaos.”

City locals have mixed reactions to the influx of visitors. Some see it as a boon for business. Galbraith, however, remains steadfast. “I’m not saying Wellington shouldn’t have visitors. I’m just saying… they should be more like us. 

For now, Galbraith plans to barricade herself in her Aro Valley flat until the Cup ends. “I’ll emerge when the city’s back to its natural state,” she said. “Calm. Thoughtful. Free of strangers pretending that Wellington is a place for them to exist.”

More to come.

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MAKES SENSE

Upper Hutt man Shane Devon was looking forward to catching up with a mate in Wellington for an afternoon beer on Saturday. Nothing serious, just a couple of classically overpriced Wellington beers. 

Devon’s world outlook, which was at the time bright and colourful, soon came crashing down as he approached Trentham train station to make his way into town. The 32 year old had foolishly believed that the trains would be running on a Saturday, and that they would not be “replaced by buses”.

The buses Metlink were referencing of course were the very oldest buses in New Zealand, famously stinking of diesel and usually driven by a driver who was “on the brink” emotionally. 

“Silly me. Thought I would have a comfortably smooth ride into Wellington on a train. Slow, but in a smooth straight line,” he smiled to himself insincerely. 

“But no. Naturally I’m sitting here on the bus where I can vaguely smell a mix of diesel and stale vomit. Driver loves to fang it as far as he can before he slams on the brakes when he needs to. Why would you try and make a smooth ride for your passengers? Wouldn’t make sense would it?” he laughed. 

Devon later came to realise that while the buses into Wellington were bad, the ones back out of it would turn out to be worse. 

“No seats left when I got to the bus to get back home, so I was standing. Same bus driver there of course, taking the corners nice and fast while I try and stay on my feet, hanging on for dear life. Lovely.”

Devon reportedly made it home in the end, but would likely not be going back into the capital anytime soon if he could avoid it. 

More to come. 

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CAN’T BEAT IT ON A GOOD DAY THOUGH

As flights were cancelled, power lines came down and wheelie bins launched themselves across the country, local man Dylan “Dyl” McKenzie described this week’s extreme weather as “quite windy, ay.”

While the rest of the country watched dramatic footage of roofs peeling off sheds, the 31-year-old Wellington courier pulled on his favourite hoodie and got on with his day.

“I saw the warnings pop up on my phone,” said Dyl quizzically. “Said something about ‘damaging gusts’ or something. Bit breezy but that’s Wellyz. Be weirder if it wasn’t windy.”

The veteran of many southerlies began his day with a coffee on Lambton Quay before heading off to work. “Naturally I don’t even bother with an umbrella on a normal day,” he said. “Once it turns inside out, it’s game over.”

As the city braced for “severe and hazardous conditions,” Dyl could be seen strolling down Willis Street like it was a calm spring morning, squinting slightly as a storefront sign cartwheeled past him.

“I guess it’s rough out there,” he admitted, “but if you wait for the wind to stop before doing anything in Wellington, you’d never do anything.”

Flatmate Marcus said the wind didn’t seem to bother him at all. “He came home, cracked a beer and said, ‘Bit of a gust out there.’ Meanwhile, our letterbox is halfway to Karori.”

As officials urged people to stay inside and secure loose objects, Dyl remained unfazed. “Wind’s gonna wind,” he said, shutting his front door against a fresh gust. “You live here long enough, you just get used to yelling your conversations.”

More to come.

The post Hard-Nosed Wellingtonian Describes This Week’s Weather As “Quite Windy Ay” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

TRANSIT TRAUMA

A Wellington commuter is this morning regretting her decision to catch the train, realising that it requires her to spend a little too much time with other members of the public.

Sarah Mack, 28, works in the not-for-profit sector and is a strong advocate for public transport as an affordable and accessible way of getting to work. In her spare time, she regularly takes on the role of keyboard warrior, telling fellow Facebook users about the importance of switching cars for train carriages and writing to her local MP to request more bus services. 

However, Mack typically works from home. 

So, when invited to an important schmooze-fest in the city this week she jumped on the chance to practice what she preaches. 

“I couldn’t wait to catch the train earlier this week. Standing shoulder to shoulder with my commuting comrades, ready to show the world what a joy Mass Rapid Transit could be!”

She said that after years of commuting from her bedroom to the spare room for work, it was a real thrill to experience a proper morning commute. But after three days, the thrill has worn off.

“I guess I didn’t realise people are so gross….” She reflected, clearly disappointed in her fellow human.

Mack reported that day two of her city commute was especially confronting.

“I couldn’t believe that as I was waiting on the train platform, a woman just took out her feet and started clipping her toenails. Right there in front of everyone, little keratin tips flying everywhere!”

To top it off, she reported that while boarding the train, an unknown man sneezed into the back of her neck.

“It was chilling.”

The issue of icky travellers has got Mack re-thinking her views on public transport.

“I guess I’m wondering…. What if the trains had like, one little carriage for each passenger?”

The idea, Mack said, would reduce disease transmission and shield passengers from the repellant effect of interacting with other people.

The single passenger carriage is a solution Mack is taking seriously, and she intends to email Waka Kōtahi later today.

“Single passenger carriages would honestly be a God send. Better yet, we could drive it on the tracks ourselves too: just chuck in a little engine!”

More to come.

The post Public Transport Advocate Wishes It Was a Little Less Public appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

TIME WARP

A 35-year-old plumber and part-time astrophysicist claims he has cracked the mystery of why this week felt so long.

Tim Warren, known among his mates for both fixing leaks and explaining the universe, told reporters that a “small but significant” rift in space and time was responsible for Friday beers arriving later than usual.

“It’s basic relativity,” Warren said confidently, leaning over his pint at Coco’s Bar and Grill on Willeston Street in Wellington. “Time is relative to the observer, right? And when you’ve got a week this slow, it’s like the gravitational pull of Monday is dragging everything backward. Beers on Friday are actually cosmically delayed.”

Warren took another sip of his chosen pint, a Behemoth Brewing “Something Hazy” IPA. “Oh God that’s good. Waited all week for this.”

His drinking companions nodded politely while staring at the menu.

“I swear to you, it’s measurable,” he continued. “Like, on a quantum level, Tuesday and Wednesday were basically the same day. Thursday stretched out for about a month. And now we’re here… finally.”

Warren’s mate Stu admitted that the group had heard Tim’s “space-time beer lag” theory before.

“He’s been going on about it for years,” Stu said, also exhausted by the time-stretched week.  “But you’ve got to admire how much he believes in it. I don’t understand a single thing he’s saying, but I respect the passion.”

Another friend, Dave, said he wasn’t sure about rifts in space and time but agreed this week had been “a marathon” and that Friday beers “had never been more deserved.”

At the time of writing, Warren was drawing diagrams on a coaster to illustrate his theory, despite most of the people around him not listening. 

More to come.

The post Man Says Rift In Space And Time Caused Friday Beers To Take Longer To Get Here This Week appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ON THE MOVE

Labour leader Chris Hipkins has found a new passion this week, joining a trendy Wellington run club just days after refusing to appear at the Covid-19 public inquiry.

The former Covid-19 Response Minister, who alongside Jacinda Ardern, Grant Robertson, and Ayesha Verrall declined to take part in the week-long public hearing, was spotted in full running gear on Wellington’s waterfront last night, beaming in his new running shoes and hi -vis sports gear.

Hipkins told The Whakataki Times that running had always been part of his fitness routine, but had recently taken on a new “therapeutic” meaning.

“I’ve always enjoyed a good run,” he puffed, stretching awkwardly outside Waitangi Park. “It’s great for clearing the head, getting the heart rate up, and, you know… getting away from things you’d rather not face.”

When asked if “things you’d rather not face” included being grilled under oath in a public forum about his pandemic decisions, Hipkins chuckled and adjusted his shoelaces.

“Look, it’s always nice to run from your problems,  whether that’s a stressful day, a tough week, or an entire Royal Commission hearing.”

Run club members say Hipkins has been a natural fit for the group, particularly with his enthusiasm for “changing direction suddenly without warning” and “picking routes that avoid public scrutiny”.

Former PM Jacinda Ardern also began speaking to our reporters, but after several minutes without reaching an actual point, we were forced to wrap it up so this story could be published before the deadline.

More to come. 

The post Hipkins Joins Trendy New Run Club After Running From Public Inquiry appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PHEW, THAT WAS CLOSE

Kiwis are rejoicing this week, after learning that their absolute favourite and most culturally significant television programme, Shortland Street, has been saved from the brink. 

This was after the intervention of our eternally wise and in-touch government, on behalf of all taxpayers.

Despite few people watching the formerly five-nights-a-week soap opera, the show will now continue into 2026, airing three nights a week. A combination of NZ On Air funding and something called the “Screen Production Rebate,” made all the difference for the very valuable soap. 

TVNZ boss Jodi O’Donnell said the funding would allow them to “work through the show’s digital transition”, which we think means uploading it to TVNZ+ and praying that someone clicks on it.

“This is great news,” said one taxpayer, who asked not to be named in case someone assumed he watches Shortland Street.

“I haven’t watched it since I was at university, but I’m glad my tax dollars are supporting… um… cultural content?”

TVNZ said the show is “one of the most streamed programmes” on TVNZ+, although they didn’t say how many people that actually is. But it could be thousands of people.

Critics have questioned why a show that is apparently so beloved and important needs public funding at all. The show previously survived for 28 years without a single dollar of government assistance.

“That’s just how vital it is,” explained a spokesperson. “It’s so popular now that it needs help.”

South Pacific Pictures CEO Kelly Martin said Shortland Street still “entertains audiences with its diverse and relatable stories”. 

She would not comment on the claim that maybe Shortland Street’s former popularity was due to there not being much else on.

More to come.

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HAZY BOY HURT

A 35-year-old Wellington man has taken to social media to share the flavours he’s picking up in his Behemoth Brewing hazy IPA. This was after his mates at the pub completely ignored his tasting notes in person.

Graphic designer Hayden Carson, who lives in a shared flat in Newtown, was once again in Christchurch visiting university friends when he realised no one was that interested in his craft beer commentary.

“They just don’t really get the complexity of what Behemoth are doing with their hazies,” he said, mid-scroll on Twitter (which he now openly calls ‘X’).

“I’m getting mango, maybe a little bit of coconut on the back. Could be the Sabro hops again. I’ll tweet it.”

Carson had earlier tried to spark an unprompted conversation by describing what he was drinking, using words like “juicy” and “bold but not pushy.”

His friend Darren was not surprised.

“Hayden means well, and honestly Behemoth do make bloody good beer,” he said while sipping his own pale ale. “But mate… just drink it.”

As his notes fell flat around the table, Carson quietly turned to his phone and fired off a string of tweets: “Subtle stonefruit with a slightly grassy finish. Could be the water profile down here? #BeerNerds”.

He got three likes and a reply that said “u ok bro?”

Carson was last seen at the bar ordering another round — this time a fresh hazy from Behemoth, which he says he’ll review in more detail once he gets back to his Airbnb.

More to come.

The post Craft Beer Guy Tweets The Flavours He’s Detecting After Being Ignored In Real Life appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FLIGHT OF THE KIWI

Despite returning from his OE in the UK and Europe nearly a full decade ago, 34-year-old Christchurch man Matt Gibbons continues to refer to his brief 2015 stint abroad like he’s about to return there next week.

“Yeah nah,  when I was in London, man the tube can just get you anywhere. Things here move so slowly” explained Gibbons, who was randomly bringing up the transport system in London for no reason.

Gibbons originally embarked on a 30-day Topdeck around Europe in around August of 2015, crashing on mates couches once his tour finished and never really getting a proper job before burning through most of his money and returning to New Zealand.

“Like, when you’ve done Oktoberfest, New Year’s in Edinburgh and seen Paris… it just gives you perspective, kind of feels like you’ve seen it all.”

“I was meant to get a gig with a rugby club over there but it kinda fell through. I think they sort of thought just because I was from New Zealand then I must be good,” Gibbons explained sheepishly.

Gibbons, who is also still part of the Kiwis in London Facebook group, confirmed to our reporters that he “lived in London for a bit”,  which generously described  his six months couch-surfing in various overpriced flats.

“I was quite close to getting a marketing job, but look when you’re an ex-pat Kiwi, sometimes it’s just good to enjoy your time and travel around,” he explained, not acknowledging he was just on mates’ couches for a good portion of his six months in London.

At press time, Gibbons had just posted a blurry throwback to his Instagram Story of Tower Bridge with the caption: Take me back. With zero intentions to return back despite acting like he is.

More to come. 

The post Kiwi Bloke Still Hanging Onto Decade Old UK/Europe OE Like He’s Due To Fly Back Any Day Now appeared first on The Whakataki Times.