UNSTOPPABLE

Mark Grover’s eyes lit up when he saw six year-old son Jackson walk up to the crease in today’s Boxing Day BYC match.

The 41 year-old father of three was already showcasing some scary form after dismissing his two other children, 7 year-old Poppy and 9 year-old Ollie, in the previous two deliveries.

Our reporters were in the Grovers’ backyard for the hat trick delivery, watching Mark steam in off an unreasonably long run up.

‘Got emmmmm!! Yes on your way Jackson! Hat trick for ya old man! Still got it!” celebrated Mark, who was going way over the top after clean bowling his small child, who has barely ever held a cricket bat in his life.

Mark’s wife Kylie, who saw the carnage unfold from inside, was quick to reassure her three children that they could “have another go” and for Mark to “settle down, they’re only children for goodness sake.”

“What on earth is he doing hurling those balls at them like that? When I got them a cricket set for Christmas this was not what I had in mind. My husband is meant to try to encourage them to play, not put them off the sport altogether,” Kylie said, while evil-eyeing her husband.

“Oh come on Kylie, they’ve gotta learn. What better way to learn than off your old man who can still bowl like he can play senior ones.”

As our reporters sought comment from the children, two of them were seen crying nearby, while Jackson was still standing there like a stunned mullet holding his bat wondering why his Dad was celebrating so much.

More to come.

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“NO CHRISTMAS CHEER HERE”

Green Party Co-Leader Chloe Swarbrick was reportedly in tears this morning after learning that her plans for a very green Christmas had turned to compost.

Swarbrick resolved to lead by example this festive season, by showing friends and family that it was indeed possible to celebrate Christmas without it costing the earth. Those close to the political young gun say this meant planting a tree instead of putting one in her house, wrapping gifts in salvaged fabric, and hanging up stockings made with state-of-the art compostable fibre. 

Swarbrick “really put in the effort this year to show us that being green wasn’t about being mean at the holidays. We all got some really interesting gifts,” according to one unnamed source.

“I would never have thought to buy myself a lifetime supply of beeswax wraps.”

But the positive benefits of green giving might have been forgotten by Aotearoa’s greenest parliamentarian this morning. Surrounded by her loved ones, she allegedly watched as the stocking she had carefully hung on her family hearth quickly transformed into an unremarkable pile of organic matter. 

Those on the scene say it was difficult to watch, as much of the stocking’s contents were yet to be emptied.

 “As she scooped up the dirty mess, the lump of coal that her dad got her as a joke could be seen on the top of the pile. Chloe didn’t laugh.”

The people for whom Swarbrick had hung matching compostable stockings were not available to comment on the longevity of their gift receptacles, but no other spontaneous compostings were reported at the time of publication. 

More to come. 

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“FEEL THE POWER”

Jacob Cooper, a 34-year-old Christchurch man, is adamant that no Christmas gift—past, present, or future—will ever surpass the iconic glory of the Vortex Mega Howler. 

Sitting on his deck in Sumner, nursing a cold beer and a hefty dose of nostalgia, Jacob reflected on the early 2000s, a time when the unmistakable whistle of a Vortex Mega Howler slicing through the air was the soundtrack to his summer and Christmas.

“Honestly, nothing would beat getting a Vortex Mega Howler on Christmas. These days I’m getting a selection of nice craft beers and something for the outdoors. But to be honest, nothing has topped getting a Vortex for Christmas in my teens.”

For Jacob, the 2003 Vortex Mega Howler advertisement featuring Dan Carter and Steve Devine remains a cultural milestone. “That ad was pure magic too. Thirty, sixty and ninety metres! Feel the power” Jacob recanted lines from the iconic ad.

“That sound it made when you threw it? Like music to your ears. Plus, no matter how bad my aim was, it always looked impressive in the air. Pure genius. You just can’t top that as Christmas gift”

More to come. 

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THE GRIND NEVER STOPS

Chad Blackwell had a point to prove on Christmas Day.

It was yet another day to remind the world that the grind never stops for the 27 year-old from Auckland.

Instead of being present at the family brunch where his sister was back for a fleeting trip from the UK, Chad was posting inspirational quotes to his Instagram story with a picture of himself posing in front of a Les Mills gym mirror. 

“Discipline doesn’t take holidays,” the caption on his Instagram story read.

When approached by reporters from the Whakataki Times later that afternoon, Chad was eager to elaborate on his unconventional Christmas priorities. “Look, anyone can eat pavlova and sit on the couch,” he explained, wiping sweat off his forehead. 

“But it takes a special kind of person to hit the gym while everyone else is unwrapping socks and drinking mimosas. It’s about sending a message.”

Meanwhile, back at the Blackwell family home, Chad’s sister Kelly was less than impressed. “Honestly, it’s exhausting,” she said, gesturing towards the untouched chair at the brunch table. “Every year, we’re here eating croissants and unwrapping presents, and he’s off lifting weights in an empty gym. Who is he even trying to impress? His 50 followers?”

Kelly’s frustration boiled over when Chad’s latest Instagram story pinged on her phone. “Oh, look at this one,” she said, rolling her eyes and reading aloud: ‘The only thing I’m unwrapping today is my potential.’ I mean, seriously. Who says that?”

More to come. 

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“IT’S ALL GOT TO BE RE-DONE”

It’ll be a silent night indeed for Joseph Christensen, who is facing the cold shoulder from his mum for failing to meet her exacting standards of gift wrapping. 

The 29-year-old entrepreneur was stoked last week when he ticked off all the nieces, nephews, aunties, and uncles from his list of ‘people to buy for’. It was the first time in Adam’s nearly three decades on planet earth that he had taken responsibility for purchasing gifts for family members, having previously left the task to his mum or sister.

It came as a sickening blow then, that as he emptied a bag full of Squishmallows, Sylvanian Families, and Southern Comfort under the tree, his mother howled in shock, fear, or perhaps disgust.

Christensen recalled that his mother was, “frozen, pale, but let out this guttural screech… followed by total silence.”

Fearful that his ageing female parent would pass out on top of a gift with his name on it, Christensen was quick to come to her aid.

“I asked her if she was okay, put my arms around her shoulders. She was shaking.”

Only after taking some time to recover, regather her wits, and put the pavlova in the oven, was Mrs.Christensen in a position to speak to the Whakataki Times.

“Adam’s gifts, all of them.. It’s like they were wrapped by a five year old.”

Gazing upon the gifts in sustained horror, Mrs. Christensen alleged she could see brand names, even price tags, showing through gaping holes in the shiny paper covering.

Between sobs, and while whipping cream with frightening force, Mrs. Christensen lamented: “I’ll be up until midnight re-wrapping them all… I dread to think what he’s written in the cards.”

More to come. 

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“HI THERE”

When 26-year-old Loren Ashley set up her out-of-office auto-reply last Friday, she didn’t just inform her colleagues she’d be away — she unwittingly provided them with a detailed travel log of her Christmas plans.

“Hi there,” the auto-reply begins innocuously enough. “I’m out of the office and not checking emails as I’ll be traveling to the UK a couple of days before Christmas! After the UK, I’ll be heading to Dubai for New Year’s! “I’ll be back and catching up on emails from January 8th. Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season!”

While it is a well-meaning message, for some of Loren’s Christchurch colleagues, it’s simply too much, sparking mild irritation and passive-aggressive group chat messages in her workplace.

“Honestly, it’s like she’s submitting her gap year itinerary for approval,” grumbled Callum, one of Loren’s teammates, who received the reply when he emailed her about next year’s marketing schedule. 

“She’s been going on about this UK trip for the last three months. But she’ll be back before we’ve even packed up the office Christmas decorations. It’s not like she’s moving there to live and work.”

Other coworkers echoed similar sentiments.

“Should we all reply to her auto-email with our own itineraries? Like, ‘Oh hey Loren, I’ll be spending Christmas in Christchurch — can’t wait to sit in traffic on the way to Sumner for the fifteenth year running.'”

When contacted for comment, Loren defended her email. 

“I just want people to know where in the world I’ll be, you never know, it could be something urgent” said Loren, failing to realise her colleagues definitely know where she is as she’ll be Instagramming her whole trip in detail over the next two weeks.

More to come. 

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DESPERATE TIMES

40 year old Katie Herbert, mother to boys Jack, 6, and Elliot, 8, is already at the end of her tether this holiday season. 

Ms. Herbert has been leaning heavily on the story that if Jack and Elliot don’t start listening to their mum and dad, then Santa won’t come and deliver them any presents. Their behaviour had slipped noticeably, as everyone in the Herbert household is tired from a busy year, and the routines have largely gone out the window. 

“Jack put that down!” she said while foolishly taking both children Christmas shopping at the Upper Hutt Farmers store. “Santa’s still watching, remember. He still might not come!”

As Herbert dealt with her youngest son and took away the large ceramic bowl he was holding casually, eight year old Elliot was able to suddenly vanish without a trace. 

“Elliot!? Elliot, where are you?” she called, her voice getting progressively more panicked as she peered down the aisles. “Elliot, I’m on the phone to Santa right now, he can see everything you’re doing!”

When Elliot was finally found looking at Marvel figurines in the toy section, his mum was able to stop to talk to reporters. 

“At the start of December, the Santa threat got the job done every time. I had them tidying their rooms, doing extra jobs for me, it was great!

“But now I’m not sure if they even believe me when I say they won’t get any presents. I mean yes, the threat is completely empty, but surely I should be able to tell a convincing lie to a six-year-old and an eight-year-old. Right?” she asked hopefully.

Before she could elaborate further, Herbert cut her interview short to stop Jack from pulling all the Squishmallows out of their display stand. 

More to come. 

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TOUCHY SUBJECT

There is only one thing on Kassie Clarke’s mind this holiday season.

That’s how to avoid what is unavoidable: the looming annual interrogation from Grandma Mavis and Aunt Janet.

Kassie had just travelled back from Wellington to Christchurch and had a feeling this year was going to be more intense than usual. The 27 year-old has known she’s been gay her whole life and has been on and off dating women in Wellington over the past few years, not that her immediate family tends to acknowledge it.

“It’s that time of year again,” Kassie muttered under her breath as she unloaded her luggage from the car, trying to keep the heavy weight of dread from dragging her shoulders down.

“It’s the same each year, Grandma Mavis gets all excited and goes “When are you going to settle down with a nice boy and give us some grandbabies?” I end up lying my way through an answer that I just haven’t found the right guy yet. There’s no way I’m going to tell her I’m pashing girls each Saturday night at Ivy Bar.

“Aunt Janet isn’t much better. She’s fully aware that I’m gay and not into boys at all, but she keeps asking when I’m going to settle down and if I’ve found someone nice. It’s like she’s wishing I wasn’t gay.”

“Oh well, maybe next year they’ll finally ask me if I’ve found a nice girl to settle down with. Ugh, I can’t wait till Christmas day is over!”

More to come. 

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WHEELS COMING OFF

Christchurch man Jordan Evans, 31, has fully embraced the chaos of December by clocking up an impressive streak of pub visits. 

“I mean, it’s the silly season, right? Who am I to say no?” he chuckled, swirling a pint of craft IPA that cost about as much as a pub lunch deal.

Evans, who was looking very comfortable as he settled into his seat at Fat Eddie’s on Oxford Terrace, was marking his fourth consecutive evening out this week.

“You’ve got work do’s, catch-ups with the lads, and then the mates who’ve come back to town for Christmas. It’s basically a civic duty at this point of the year.”

Jordan’s work colleagues contacted our reporters and said he was “noticeably weary” in the mornings, due to the increased volume of alcohol he was carrying this week.

 “It’s all part of it being late December,” Evans said, brushing off his boss’s concerns. “Like everyone, I’ve mentally clocked off for the year, so what’s the harm in looking slightly disengaged in the mornings?

“Everyone’s back in town anyway, and you don’t know when you’ll see them again. Saying no at this point would be the height of rudeness. It’s the silly season!”

More to come. 
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