YES OR NO

Chloe Jamieson, a 21 year old checkout operator at New World Botany, was left physically and emotionally drained this morning, after what should have been a very brief interaction with Prime Minister Christopher Luxon.

The part time employee says she was somewhat nervous about serving the prime minister (who was buying an 18 box of Coke Zero) but did not expect the question “would you like your receipt today?” to be such a hard one.

“It isn’t everyday you get to serve the prime minister. I just wanted to keep the whole transaction as normal as possible, you know? Play it cool,” she explained. “The usual stuff like ‘how’s your day been’, ‘it’s been really busy today’, blah blah blah.

“But when I asked him if he wanted his receipt, it was like I’d just asked a bombshell question about some major scandal. He didn’t know what to say. He was trying to dance around the subject, like he didn’t want to somehow put a foot wrong,” said Ms. Jamieson, reliving the ordeal.

“When I’d asked him two or three times if he wanted his receipt, he said something like ‘Look, here’s the situation: you have a receipt for me, but at the end of the day it’s a decision I have to make whether I take it or not’. Like… what!?”

Ms. Jamieson says that after about three minutes of interrogation, she eventually had to cut the conversation with the Prime Minister short, citing the growing queue of annoyed customers forming behind him.

“In the end I just printed the receipt and slipped it into his bag while he wasn’t looking. I did it quickly when he stopped to look at a text message,” said the confused staff member who should be getting paid time and a half for this.

The Prime Minister’s office issued a statement, saying that the checkout operator did the right thing by putting the receipt in his bag, and added that “in the hypothetical situation where she did not give Mr Luxon the receipt, then the proper steps would be taken to come to a resolution that would be acceptable to the people of New Zealand”.

More to come.

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The post Confused Checkout Operator Spends Three Minutes Asking Luxon If He’d Like His Receipt Or Not appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FINALLY!

After years of Wellingtonians complaining about failing infrastructure in the CBD, Wellington City Council has at last listened to ratepayers. 

Mayor Tory Whanau has just announced a second bucket fountain will be built on Te Aro Park, Manners Street, just metres from the city’s infamous Courtenay Place. 

The new fountain will be based on the design of the Cuba Mall bucket fountain, which has been the only bucket fountain Wellingtonians have been able to access since it was built in 1969.

“About bloody time,” said one Wellington resident as he slipped slightly on the wet paving next to the Cuba Mall fountain. “Good to see our skyrocketing rates going to good use, finally.”

Pākete Puahiritanga, which loosely translates to “bucket fountain”, will of course include nods to changing times, acknowledging various causes through the patterns on individual buckets. Buckets include a rainbow bucket, a Maori flag bucket, a Palestine bucket and a Ukraine bucket.

Tory Whanau says that water infrastructure is a key focus for her council. “We’ve listened, and what we’ve heard is people are less interested in cycle lanes in 2025, and more focused on modern, quality water infrastructure,” she said to reporters this morning. 

“This second bucket fountain will address the needs of all Wellingtonians, and take some of the pressure off the Cuba Mall fountain, which has been at capacity for decades.”

The new fountain is set to be delivered in 2035 at a cost of $20 million. 

More to come. 

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The post Wellington City Council Reveals Plans For Much-Needed Second Bucket Fountain appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NOTHING ELSE EXPLAINS THIS BEHAVIOUR

A 9-year-old British Shorthair was found guilty today of scratching his owner’s arm, in an incident which is being treated as an instance of far-right terrorism. 

Boots, the grey “floof” from Kelburn, was witnessed rolling around on his back at around 8am this morning, ostensibly inviting his owner, Kitty Humphries, to give him a rub. Unfortunately for Humphries, Boots’s invitation was revoked mid-scritch and quickly turned violent.

“He just grabbed me,” recalls Humphries, “he got this glazed look in his eyes and pierced his claws right into my arm.”

The incident came as a shock to Humphries, who was left wondering why her normally docile female companion would launch such an attack. Flatmates who witnessed the scene were equally as horrified, calling it “distressing” and “unprecedented.”

One of those flatmates, who does not wish to be named, happens to be an experienced security consultant whose clients include government agencies around the world.

“I realised as the event unfolded that what I was seeing could be part of an emerging trend. I wouldn’t be surprised if this particular pet had fallen victim to online mis- and disinformation.”

According to the unnamed flatmate, “far right trolls” have been known to acquire feline companions. It is believed the cats’ narcissistic and unpredictable nature, their devil-may-care attitude and general lack of remorse, make them attractive partners for those affiliated with anti-social organisations. 

Having been caught red-pawed, there remains no doubt of Boots’s guilt in today’s scratch attack. As investigations into the motive of the attack continue, Humphries is in no doubt of her flatmate’s hunch.

“Why else would Boots have turned on me like that?”

More to come.

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Cat Owner Who Got Scratched Suspects Cat To Be Far Right Extremist appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“IT’S ALL GOT TO BE RE-DONE”

It’ll be a silent night indeed for Joseph Christensen, who is facing the cold shoulder from his mum for failing to meet her exacting standards of gift wrapping. 

The 29-year-old entrepreneur was stoked last week when he ticked off all the nieces, nephews, aunties, and uncles from his list of ‘people to buy for’. It was the first time in Adam’s nearly three decades on planet earth that he had taken responsibility for purchasing gifts for family members, having previously left the task to his mum or sister.

It came as a sickening blow then, that as he emptied a bag full of Squishmallows, Sylvanian Families, and Southern Comfort under the tree, his mother howled in shock, fear, or perhaps disgust.

Christensen recalled that his mother was, “frozen, pale, but let out this guttural screech… followed by total silence.”

Fearful that his ageing female parent would pass out on top of a gift with his name on it, Christensen was quick to come to her aid.

“I asked her if she was okay, put my arms around her shoulders. She was shaking.”

Only after taking some time to recover, regather her wits, and put the pavlova in the oven, was Mrs.Christensen in a position to speak to the Whakataki Times.

“Adam’s gifts, all of them.. It’s like they were wrapped by a five year old.”

Gazing upon the gifts in sustained horror, Mrs. Christensen alleged she could see brand names, even price tags, showing through gaping holes in the shiny paper covering.

Between sobs, and while whipping cream with frightening force, Mrs. Christensen lamented: “I’ll be up until midnight re-wrapping them all… I dread to think what he’s written in the cards.”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Grown Man Gets Cold Shoulder From Mum After Failing to Adequately Wrap Gifts appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CANCELLED

“Fat Bastard Pies”, the unconventionally named bakery based in Invercargill is facing allegations of “fat-shaming” from a group of Wellington tourists. 

Self-described social activist Ruby Galbraith launched the online attack from her X (formerly Twitter) account this morning. Galbraith and several acquaintances are reportedly staying in Invercargill for a ‘wellness retreat’.  

“Had the misfortune of dealing with this outdated bakery today, along with all their attitudes straight out of a 1950s time warp. I mean wow, way to punch down on the plus size community”, she posted, along with a photo of the Fat Bastard Pies storefront. 

Bakery co-owner Simon Owen was asked to comment on the name of his business, saying that Galbraith should mind her own. 

“We run an honest business, and make no excuses for the fact that a Fat Bastard Pie won’t fit your keto diet. In-house chef made fillings and handcrafted pastry baked daily weighing in at 280 grams. Our tagline is Everyone Loves a Fat Bastard, so we are not fat shaming, in fact we are body positive”, he said while shoving a pie in his mouth.

In an unexpected twist, Rebekah Wareing, one of Ms. Galbraith’s travelling companions responded to the original tweet, saying “they were really good pies though”. 

Owen says that if Rebekah or Ruby enjoyed the pies, then why not head over to the Fat Bastard website and get some shipped up to Wellington via their Pie Club nationwide delivery service.

“If the vegan pastry in the Aro Valley isn’t doing it for you, hop online and order something substantial from us,” he said. 

Galbraith has not responded to requests for comment, as the Whakataki Times could not penetrate her online echo chamber. 

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.  

The post Invercargill Pie Shop Under Fire For Fat-Shaming Themselves appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BEEN A WHILE

Devon Chalmers, a senior digital advisor at the Ministry of Education, was surprised at the state of his office desk this morning, having not seen it in the last four years. 

Chalmers said that the pod his team had been absent from had taken on a real ‘haunted house’ vibe, after many years of everyone working from home. 

“Quite a lot of cobwebs across our desks. Found a cockroach in one of the wooden drawers, which also looks like it could have borer, haha! 

“Amazing how things can just decay after a few years of total neglect,” he laughed. 

Chalmers’ also found a printed copy of the MoE’s 2019/20 annual report, which has never been opened. 

The 33 year old’s role at MoE involves making updates to content on the ministry’s various public facing websites, which he says is easily done from home on a laptop. 

“I don’t think anyone in our team is going to be more productive in the office. If anything there’ll be more distractions and we’ll get through the jobs at a slower rate,” he said while batting away a large spider. 

“We’ve never really done team meetings either, just worked through everything over email and through the job request form.”

Some believe the push for public servants to get back to the office is part of a quest to reinvigorate Wellington’s hospitality industry. This median-earning staff member however is reportedly not a coffee drinker and will be generally unhelpful in that domain. 

“Buying lunch has always been an expensive waste of money for me. But the system can squeeze a little more from my bus fares at least. 

“I’m not complaining though, it’ll actually be good to catch up with people face to face again. Definitely miss that side of it, and a change of scenery is good. 

“But it is odd that a centre-right government isn’t willing to just let the market adjust to the work from home trend. Thought that would be right up their side street!” he smiled.

The government would not respond to our questions about the total spend on insect and bug killer following this directive. 

More to come. 

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The post BACK IN THE OFFICE: Wellington Public Servant Spends First Hour At Desk Dusting Off Cobwebs appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

Lochie Jansen, a 30 year old “business analyst” at ACC, has opted for a change of pace today.

With the Prime Minister’s announcement that Wellington’s public servants will all be “going back to the office”, Jansen is proactively getting used to doing his questionable job in town instead of at home.

“Quite a strange feeling because I generally don’t have that much work to do,” he said to reporters this morning.

“Normally at home I’d get everything done that I’d been asked to, and then I’d just chill, maybe watch a few Youtube videos. But what am I supposed to do in the office? Gotta find ways to look busy!” he laughed.

Jansen has reported that he has a selection of spreadsheets he has open on his screens at all times, along with a Microsoft Teams chat window. He also makes sure he is wearing his Jabra headphones at all times, with the hands-free microphone in position.

“I’ve identified that it is important to always look as if you’re on a call. Even if you’re not saying anything at your desk, just nod and say ‘yep, agree with that’ periodically,” he said knowledgeably.

When asked what he thought of the new directive from the Prime Minister, Jansen seemed unfazed.

“Just got to embrace change in an evolving environment, right? Quite interesting that Luxon wants to make public servants more ‘productive’ though. Like, what does he even mean by that? What do we produce?

“I think at the end of the day I just need to look busy and presentable, and I should be sweet.”

Jansen would not commit to the government’s goal of saving Wellington’s business community by buying cups of coffee. “Well, I don’t really have to buy coffee right? I can just drink instant in the office, which is paid for. Unless there’s going to be an org-wide KPI on how many coffees I buy?

“Anyway, I better go. Got a pretty important hui in five minutes,” he lied.

More to come.  

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The post Public Servant Performs His Unnecessary Job In The Office Instead Of At Home appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

IT’S ROUGH OUT THERE

Tory Whanau gave her comms team an absolute bollocking today. 

It appears that the key messages they supplied her ahead of a Newstalk ZB interview failed to tell her not to say she’s doing it tough on $189,000 a year.

On Tuesday the Wellington mayor told radio host Nick Mills about how she’s had to sell her car to pay the bills, despite earning a very comfortable salary paid for by Wellington ratepayers. 

She apparently thought this would make her come across as down to earth and relatable, especially as she went to great pains to point out her “privileged position” multiple times. 

Senior Comms advisor at Wellington Council, Josie Hepburn says Whanau is regretting taking the interview in that direction. “Tory has calmed down now and has apologised to us for her outburst after the media reaction.

“It’s so hard for women right now because there’s so much misogyny in our country’s media,” she said without any hint of irony. 

“To be fair, probably not the best thing to talk about her own personal situation when there’s a lot of people on much, much less money than her.

“But she’s so brave just for putting herself out there and actually doing interviews with gross Newstalk ZB.”

Whanau would not comment on her personal budgeting, but she could well be allocating money into the wrong places, much like Wellington Council. 

More to come. 

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The post STRUGGLING ON $189K: Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau Regretting Her Attempt To Appear Relatable appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO WAY!

A new report released by the Wellington Public Servants Association Of Wellington (WPSAW), has confirmed what many have feared.

WPSAW’s Laura Jamieson (she/her) has confirmed that when compared to travelling into the capital, 90% of Wellington public servants actually prefer the sensation of comfortably logging into their work computers from home.

“The numbers don’t lie unfortunately,” said the 30 year old as she sipped coffee from her trendy keep cup (made by herself at home and not a Wellington small business owner).

“It turns out that it is very, very convenient to not spend up to two hours a day travelling to and from work. Who knew!”  

A separate report on business closures in the CBD says that 50 shops in Wellington’s “Golden Mile” are currently vacant, blamed largely on public sector job cuts and the “WFH” phenonmenon. Multiple media sources have described the city as “dead” or “dying”.

“The other problem is, once your favourite coffee cart shuts down for good, there’s even less incentive to come into the office. So with barista-made coffee being a major motivator for the average Wellington public servant, a bit of a vicious cycle is emerging,” Jamieson said while fiddling with her rainbow lanyard.

Hamish Waldorf, 35, logged into Microsoft Teams from home to talk about his experience of not travelling into Wellington.

“Just so much easier, and my work is actually better off because I can log in earlier than I normally could. I get way more work done!” he lied.

“Best thing about working from home though is that you don’t have to physically be in Wellington,” laughed Waldorf, looking out the window of his Upper Hutt home, where the weather always seems to be nicer.

WPSAW have made no efforts to encourage more people to try and revive the city, uncharacteristically saying that this is something for the “free market” to solve.

More to come. 

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The post CONFIRMED: Working From Home More Pleasant Than Travelling Into Wellington appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WORK CULTURE

The leadership at Wellington marketing firm Excite have been trying for months to entice their workers back into their comfortable office environment. Since New Zealand’s laptop class now expects to be able to “work from home”, it has become nearly impossible to build any kind of company culture other than through painful Microsoft Teams meetings. 

This week though, with temperatures dropping noticeably, there have been a few old faces popping up at the Excite offices, most of whom had not been seen in real life for months. 

Chelsea McKnight, a serial work-from-homer, says that her cold Wellington flat has been the main reason for her return to the office. “It’s been a real sacrifice for me, having to get up early to get ready to leave the house. But the cold and the cost of heating the house has pushed me to work from the office.

“Working from home has been mostly good for me though, such a benefit for my mental health,” said the woman who’s key performance indicators have been very average this year. 

Chelsea’s partner Caleb, plumber, meanwhile believes it would be good for the company to have Chelsea back in the office. “Honestly I think she does minimal work during the day. Would hate to see her company’s sales figures since Covid.

“You’d have to ask, how much of the decline is from the recession and how much is just from their staff being useless?”

Chelsea, who had not heard her partner’s comments, was upbeat about her change in routine. “It is really nice to see all the girls face to face again though. And it feels good to be saving money on the electricity bill!”

Excite’s management team has a meeting today to talk about how they can best capitalise on the cold weather to get their staff to do some decent work for once. 

More to come. 

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