BILL BUSTER

As the cost of living crisis continues to bite across New Zealand, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has offered a “practical, common-sense” solution for Kiwis struggling to pay their bills, which is to simply sell off one of their rental properties.

Speaking to our reporters after being asked about rising grocery prices and power bills, Luxon said many households may be overlooking “obvious levers” available to them.

“Look, what I will say is that times are tough, I get that,” said Luxon. “But sometimes you’ve just got to take a step back, review your property portfolio, and think about whether you really need all of those rentals.”

Luxon explained that trimming down a property portfolio can be a great way to free up cash during difficult economic periods.

“If you’ve got, say, three or four rentals and the mortgage payments are starting to feel a bit tight, maybe sell one,” he said. “That gives you a nice lump sum, takes the pressure off, and suddenly those weekly bills don’t look quite so scary.”

When it was pointed out that many New Zealanders do not, in fact, own multiple investment properties, Luxon suggested people might not be thinking creatively enough.

“Well that’s the mindset we need to shift,” he said. “The shareholders of New Zealand are very resourceful people. If you’re feeling squeezed by the cost of living, just ask yourself: ‘Is there a rental property I could sell here?’ You’d be surprised how often the answer is yes.”

Luxon, who previously owned as many as seven houses before entering politics, said he understands first-hand the challenges of managing a large property portfolio.

“I’ve been there,” he said. “There were times when I’d look at the spreadsheet and think, ‘Gee, these mortgages are adding up.’ And sometimes the right move is to let one go.”

More to come.

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POLL PROMPTING

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has reportedly asked staff to “look into” whether the latest political poll showing National slumping to 28.4% was actually written by ChatGPT, after noticing what he described as “suspiciously creative negativity.”

The latest Taxpayers’ Union–Curia poll placed Labour at 34.4%, a six-point lead over National, a result Luxon said contained “all the hallmarks of AI interference.”

“Look, I’m not saying it was written by ChatGPT,” Luxon told reporters while sounding like he was generated from a prompt himself.  “But when you see numbers like that you do have to wonder whether someone typed in a prompt like ‘Write a poll result where National collapses and Labour surges dramatically.’”

Luxon confirmed he had asked staff to investigate whether the polling firm had accidentally pasted the ChatGPT’s output field into the results.

“What I will say is that I’d just like to see the original instructions,” he said. “Something like ‘Pretend National is polling badly and make it sound believable.’ That would explain quite a lot. The shareholders of New Zealand would never vote National down like that.

The Prime Minister added that if artificial intelligence was involved, the Government would consider regulating it.

Deputy Prime Minister Nicola Willis conceded the numbers were “not ideal,” though she stopped short of blaming artificial intelligence.

“It is not a good number,” Willis said on Newstalk ZB earlier today. “If that was the number National got in an election it would not be acceptable. But we’re confident voters will eventually correct the poll once they realise it may have been written by a chatbot.”

Meanwhile, staff inside the Beehive confirmed Luxon has begun experimenting with ChatGPT himself, asking it several questions including “How to fix poll numbers quickly,” and “Rewrite poll so National wins.”

At the time of publication, the chatbot had reportedly replied: “I’m sorry, but I cannot fabricate election results.

More to come. 

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ROLLING SUB

In an effort to avoid being yelled at by various Māori leaders at Waitangi this year, PM Christopher Luxon has reached out to non-travelling reserve Leigh Hart to fill in while he takes a breather on the sidelines.

Luxon made the call to attend Waitangi today instead of Friday after realising that another day there would mean more extreme humidity in an uncomfortable suit and several more hours of people being deeply unhappy with him and his Coalition partners.

“Look, it’s always hot, you can’t take the jacket off, and no one ever says anything nice,” Luxon reportedly told colleagues. “I just thought maybe we could rotate the role a bit.”

Leigh Hart, who bears a striking resemblance to the Prime Minister and has a long history of playing awkward New Zealand men on television, was said to be “very open” to the idea.

“Yeah nah, I could do that,” Hart said. “Just a one day thing. In and out. Bit of sunscreen. Few nods. Happy to help.”

Hart allegedly asked only a handful of practical questions, including whether he needed to learn any te reo, how long he would be required to look solemn and whether the job would be a “cashie”.

“I assume this is off the books,” he said. “Cash is fine, no need to drag IRD into it.”

Insiders say the Prime Minister was reassured by Hart’s relaxed approach.

“He’s got the look down,” one staffer said. “Tall, shiny head, confident stride. From a distance no one would know.”

Hart is also understood to be comfortable with the expected reception.

“I’ve been heckled before,” he said. “I did Moon TV. This is basically the same thing but with flags.”

When asked if he was worried someone might notice the switch, Hart shrugged.

“Most people don’t listen to what he says anyway. Usually they’re too busy yelling.”

At time of writing, Luxon was reportedly finalising his own Waitangi Day plans, which include a BBQ where he’s not being shouted at.

More to come. 

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AI PM

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon announced on Friday that he would spend the 5th of February in Waitangi being yelled at, but would head back toward the Bombays for Waitangi Day itself. Shortly after news of his decision emerged, so too did claims that the PM’s Waitangi itinerary came straight from a ChatGPT data centre.

An anonymous staffer at the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet alleges that for the entire month of January, all staff within the department were seconded into specialised roles, entirely dedicated to developing and inputting AI prompts. 

Our source initially thought the surprise secondment must have been a new strategy for driving productivity. However, it took mere minutes to realise the real rationale for the re-deployment. 

“We were given little instruction books with exemplar prompts that were supposed to inform our own, but they weren’t anything related to what we normally do,” our secret source explained, omitting information on what exactly she normally does.

“They were all like, ‘places for pakeha to hang out in February’ and ‘how to not be a racist in February’ and, ‘friendly Maoris near me.’”

Exasperated, our source exclaimed, “this is not what I am qualified to do!”

Chest rising and falling rapidly, our increasingly stressed source explained that, “a community event could be anything. I don’t even know what community this event is supposed to be with, I just asked Chat GPT to give me some euphemisms for groups of non-white people and that’s what it gave me!”

Other staff members at the Department have declined to respond to these allegations but an OIA request did reveal that the Prime Minister’s search history included a Google search for “top AI prompts to sound more like the prime minister of a country.”

More to come.

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MISSION CREEP

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has today uploaded his Spotify Wrapped to social media today, a move absolutely no one asked for, but is one he is hoping will finally get Taylor Swift’s attention.

The post, which appeared shortly after 7am, revealed that Luxon’s top artist of 2025 was, unsurprisingly, Taylor Swift, clocking an impressive 7,794 minutes of listening time.  

The prime minister’s latest social media post comes months after realeasing a painfully earnest video begging Swift and her partner Travis Kelce to “consider New Zealand as a beautiful and stable destination for marriage 

But Luxon is undeterred.

“I’m just trying to show Taylor that Aotearoa is full of love, opportunity, and a Prime Minister who knows all the words to You Belong With Me,” he said this morning .

The prime minister went on to explain that his post wasn’t merely a Wrapped screenshot, it was “a carefully crafted signal.”

“If Taylor sees I’m her number-one listener in the Southern Hemisphere, she might finally realise New Zealand is the perfect place for her to tie the knot with Travis,” he said, refreshing his Instagram story to see if she had seen it, despite her not following him.

When asked whether this could be perceived as unprofessional for a head of government, Luxon shrugged.

“Look what I will say to you is that a major artist like Taylor associating herself with New Zealand will only be great for our shareholders, I mean people”

As of press time, Taylor Swift had not acknowledged the post,  although Luxon has reportedly turned on post notifications for every verified account in the United States “just to be safe.”

More to come.

The post Luxon Shares His Spotify Wrapped Hoping Taylor Swift Will Finally Notice Him appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SO CLOSE!

Sources at Te Pāti Māori are optimistic about the party’s future, despite ongoing troubles with so-called “rogue MPs”.

This week the leadership expelled Mariameno Kapa-Kingi and Tākuta Ferris, apparently for criticising the direction the party was going in.

But unity could be just round the corner according to sources close to TPM, with one unnamed advisor saying they’re just “one viral parliament haka away from party unity”.

“This is what cuts through all the noise. Forget all the chatter about MPs openly defying their leadership. All we need is one more haka,” said the person who spoke to reporters anonymously.

“A lot of people seem to think the party needs a ‘reset’, whatever that means. In reality we need to separate the signal from the noise. What people really want and need is more haka.”

The insider claimed that Te Pāti Māori’s communication strategy is “simple and effective” and maximises the cultural capital they uniquely hold.

“Some parties spend their time drafting policy and debating bills,” they said. “We prefer to make our point in ways that subvert the colonial constructs that take up space in Wellington.”

Asked if the public might be growing tired of dramatic gestures, the insider laughed. “Tired? No, you’ve been listening to too much racist mainstream media. People love how dynamic and subversive we are. You think anyone’s replaying select committee debates on TikTok? Of course not. But a haka? Now that’s engagement.”

While some may question how another parliament haka will fix the deep divisions within Te Pāti Māori, others would say they’d be silly not to play to their strengths. 

More to come. 

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FRIGHT NIGHT

David Seymour, leader of the ACT party, got the fright of his life on Halloween night when a menacing group of children turned up at his Auckland doorstep dressed as the newly proposed capital gains tax.

“I thought hey, Halloween’s a bit of fun,” Seymour told reporters, visibly shaken. “I’ll put some decorations out front and dish out lollies to any kids who might knock on the door. Didn’t really think anything of it.”

He didn’t know what was coming.

“I opened the door for the usual princesses and Marvel characters. All pretty normal stuff. But then three kids stood there dressed as Labour’s proposed tax. No capes. No brooms. Just masks made out of copies of Labour’s policy.”

Seymour says he became aware something was off when the youngest said nothing, the middle one didn’t move, and the eldest asked, very calmly: “Are you going to pay us?”

“I shouted ‘Who are you!? What do you want??’ They just stood there, silent, faces hidden like the cowards they are,” he recalled, still rattled.

Seymour insists the stunt must’ve been coordinated. “They looked like 9- or 10-year-olds. So some parent thought it would be funny to harass an elected member of parliament.”

Seymour has described Labour’s recently revealed plan for a capital gains tax on property profits, as divisive “tall-poppy politics”. 

Party sources say Seymour has since ordered additional home security in case this kind of spooky political activism continues. 

More to come.

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INNOVATORS

After ripping one proposed bill in half amid a haka inside Parliament, then burning a second piece of legislation in a bucket on the forecourt, Te Pāti Māori are now searching for new and innovative ways to destroy paper.

The party’s edgy disruptor tactics have become so frequent that they’re running short on classic methods of document disposal. Sources say members have been brainstorming new options like paper shredders, ritual dunkings in the harbour, and confetti cannons filled with torn-up members’ bills.

“We’re all about maximising impact and minimising actual attendance in the House,” said one staffer, describing the party’s new approach to political efficiency. “It’s about being bold, disruptive, and home in time for lunch.”

Co-leader Debbie Ngārewa-Packer defended the party’s flair for drama. “We are dismantling the system,” she explained, referring to both the legislation and the growing pile of shredded paperwork accumulating in their office. “Paper represents bureaucracy. Bureaucracy represents oppression. Ergo, the paper must go.”

Critics, however, say it’s all getting a bit much. “At this rate they’ll need a recycling budget,” said one MP. “Next week they’ll be feeding Select Committee reports through a wood chipper.”

Parliament staff have reportedly grown weary of sweeping up soggy ashes and scattered debris after each performance, and the Speaker Gerry Brownlee has even threatened to do something about it. 

With several more government bills scheduled for introduction this month, Te Pāti Māori have hinted that the best is yet to come. “We’ve still got plenty of ideas,” said a grinning Rawiri Waititi. 

More to come.

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DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING

Desperate to claw back some form of relevance, Labour leader Chris Hipkins is reportedly planning to lead his caucus in what insiders are calling “Parliament’s first official haka.”

Sources inside the Labour Party say Hipkins has grown increasingly frustrated with being ignored by both the public and the media. “No one’s quoting him anymore,” one staffer admitted. “He could announce free KFC for pensioners and the press gallery would still be too busy watching Chlöe Swarbrick get kicked out of Parliament again.”

According to those close to the planning, Hipkins believes the haka will “re-energise” the party and remind New Zealanders that Labour still exists.

“He saw how much attention Te Pāti Māori get when they do one, and thought, ‘We should do that!’” said one visibly tired adviser. “He just wants to be seen. It’s actually quite sad.”

The proposed haka, tentatively titled Ka Whiti Anō a Chris (“Chris Rises Again”), is said to involve the entire caucus performing as an interruption to parliament, followed by Hipkins giving a short speech about “coming together as a people” — although it isn’t clear if he knows what that means.

Some Labour MPs are reportedly nervous about the idea. “We’re politicians, not a kapa haka group,” said one MP off the record. “We barely know the Maori part of the national anthem, let alone what Chris has written in his notebook.”

When asked for comment, Hipkins smiled awkwardly and said, “It’s not about politics, it’s about passion,” before clarifying that passion, in this case, meant “hopefully getting a video to go viral.”

Political commentators have described the move as “textbook mid-career attention-seeking,” comparing it to “a divorced dad buying a motorbike.”

If successful, sources say Hipkins plans to follow it up with a TikTok dance campaign and an updated profile pic for his personal LinkedIn.

More to come.

The post Attention-Starved Chris Hipkins Planning Labour’s First Parliament Haka appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SOLUTION WITHOUT A PROBLEM

Judith Collins has announced the government’s big new plan to “make life easier” for New Zealanders, by replacing everyone’s perfectly fine plastic driver’s licence with a digital one on your phone.

This was despite no one in this country at all asking for it. Not a single person.

Most Kiwis, currently just trying to pay the mortgage or afford groceries, didn’t wake up thinking, “Gee, this plastic rectangle is really holding me back.”

Collins fronted the cameras this week to sell the new scheme, calling it “the future of convenience.” But she seemed completely unable to explain what’s actually inconvenient about having a card that lives quietly in your wallet, causing no problems for anyone.

When pressed by reporters, she simply smiled and said, “It’s about modernisation.” Which, for many New Zealanders, translated roughly to: “It’s about fixing something that isn’t broken while everything else is on fire.”

Public trust in government tech projects is already critically low, and many suspect this could be a sneaky step toward a bigger “digital identity” system, much like what they do over in China. But Collins dismissed those fears, insisting it’s just about making life “simpler” somehow.

Meanwhile, everyday New Zealanders remain focused on slightly more pressing issues, like rent, fuel prices, and whether they can still afford butter.

“It’s funny,” said one Auckland man. “They say this is about convenience, but I’d find it a lot more convenient if my grocery bill was fifty bucks cheaper.”

So while Judith Collins dreams of a sleek, paperless utopia (with absolutely no social credit score controlling every aspect of our lives, of course), most Kiwis are just dreaming of being able to fill up their tanks.

More to come.

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