FINANCIAL PRUNING

Outside the Beehive today, the nation’s mythical “magic money tree” was seen finally meeting its maker, as Finance Minister Nicola Willis was spotted dragging away what remained of it, dressed in her signature “grim reaper couture”.

Willis reportedly hacked the tree to death with a level of glee she will likely achieve when she eventually does the same to Wellington’s public service bureaucracy. 

From the magic tree’s remains, the Government has managed to harvest a modest yield: $5.5 billion for health, including bowel cancer screening extensions and a future South Auckland hospital site secured in principle, pending alignment of all earthly and celestial conditions.

A further $3 billion was extracted for Defence, mostly spent before it hit the ground on fleet upgrades, personnel pay rises, and general “we should’ve done this earlier” maintenance.

Road cones were quietly repositioned as $1.7 billion was allocated to bypass a dangerous stretch of State Highway 1, while rail received just over a billion .

When asked about the overall tone of the Budget, Willis reportedly paused beside the stump of the magic tree and said, “Look, if it’s magic, it should grow back. If it doesn’t, then maybe it turns out you can’t just borrow money forever with no downside.”

Opposition Leader Chris Hipkins responded by calling the Budget “out of touch”, adding that the Government was ignoring everyday pressures, before reportedly muttering, “There used to be more of that magic tree when I was in charge.”

As for the magic money tree, sources say it may regrow in time for next year’s Budget.  

More to come.

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QUACKED THE CODE

New Zealanders were left confused yesterday after bizarre and cringeworthy audio was leaked of a Labour training session that seemed to focus a lot on duck-sized horses and horse-sized ducks. 

It was unclear whether the leak was an act of genuine dissent or a deliberate attempt to compete with the cringey awkwardness of National’s own group of Gen-Xers and elder millennials. 

In the recording you could hear people who surely couldn’t have known they were being recorded discuss whether they’d rather fight one horse-sized duck or one hundred duck-sized horses. MP Barbara Edmonds was heard calling Finance Minister Nicola Willis “a duck-faced horse”, which she has since apologised for. 

The result of the meeting, which was not caught on tape, was that Labour’s key strategy this election is to find an actual horse-sized duck for Chris Hipkins to ride triumphantly into parliament. 

While most are calling this “ridiculous” or “bloody stupid”, some believe the idea has legs, or at least very large webbed feet. 

“Well obviously ducks don’t get that big and if they did I imagine they’d take a long time to break in and train for riding. Probably not do-able in time for this election”, said Labour list MP Kieran McAnulty knowledgeably.

“But no idea’s a stupid idea at this stage. It’s amazing what people can do with AI and we’ve obviously got Weta Workshop over in Miramar, so I dunno maybe they could make a massive duck that Chippy could ride and lead Labour to victory.”

It still isn’t clear how a giant rideable duck is going to be a vote-winner for Labour, but McAnulty says if they’re able to build an oversized bird that doesn’t currently exist, then they can do just about anything. 

“Anything’s possible! And if anyone’s going to lose an election to a horse-sized duck, it’s Christopher Luxon.”

More to come.  

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MOOD PENDING

TVNZ staff are reportedly bracing for two very distinct possibilities at Maiki Sherman’s leaving drinks: either she remains completely sober under the watchful eye of HR and a handful of TVNZ lawyers, or she gets absolutely written off in front of her soon to be former colleagues. 

Sherman officially confirmed her resignation on social media last night, ending a turbulent couple of weeks for herself and the state broadcaster in general.

Our reporters spoke to some TVNZ staff inside their headquarters.

“Honestly, nobody knows what version of Maiki we’re going to be getting at her leaving drinks, ” said one nervous producer while arranging alcohol-free Heinekens . “This could either be a calm farewell for her, or something where our lawyers will have to start sending wide ranging letters to people trying to report on her actions again.

“We’re sort of hoping she sees the kombucha first and just commits to that. The mood internally is very much ‘let’s all make sensible beverage choices tonight.’”

TVNZ staff have also explained that if anyone sees Maiki approaching a pinot noir, you redirect her towards the soda water station immediately and that if any employees from rival companies turn up, you offer them both waters.

Despite the uncertainty, preparations for the event are reportedly continuing at full pace, with staff carefully planning drink options, seating arrangements, and what one insider described as “escape routes for early exits if the energy shifts unpredictably.”

There is also reportedly an informal agreement that speeches will be kept “short, sincere, and legally safe,” with one staff member adding, “We love Maiki, but we also love not having to issue clarifications of what was said the next day.”

As for Sherman herself, expectations remain deliberately vague. One colleague summed it up simply: “It’s either a quiet goodbye with a soft clap and a muffin… or it’s the kind of night that gets referenced in newsroom lore for the next five years. No in-between.”

More to come.

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FIRM REMINDER

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon today confirmed that Kiwis struggling with the cost of living simply need to “dig a little deeper, show some grit, and ideally secure a modest, well-balanced property portfolio.”

“Look, I totally get it,” Luxon said  “Times are tough for Kiwis but what I will say is, work hard, and if possible, leverage your existing assets into two or three additional homes,” Luxon said before flying out to Singapore.

When asked how someone without existing assets might begin, Luxon remained upbeat. “Great question: Maybe skip a few flat whites, tighten the belt, stop spending $60 on groceries, and have a serious conversation with your parents about intergenerational equity.”

He added that success was ultimately about attitude. “New Zealand is the land of opportunity. Anyone can get ahead, as long as they’re prepared to make smart choices, take calculated risks, and enter the housing market sometime around 2003.”

At press time, Luxon reassured first-home buyers that the dream was still alive, “provided they remain flexible on location, expectations, and the definition of ‘home.’”

“Look, the cost of living is tough at the moment, which is why I recommend forward planning from about 1998.” 

More to come.

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F AROUND AND FIND OUT

In what officials are calling a “quick win for a speaker keen to be taken seriously” the Government has confirmed TVNZ’s Maiki Sherman has been banned from covering Parliament for five days. 

The suspension, staunchly confirmed by Speaker Gerry Brownlee this afternoon stems from an incident last week where Smith’s doors were banged on loudly. 

However many have pointed out that Sherman is likely going to be fired anyway, due to her getting drunk and yelling “faggot” at Stuff’s Lloyd Burr. It also seems almost impossible to imagine she could take a five day break from parliament and then come back on 6 May and somehow everything would be back to normal. 

Brownlee’s decision to ban Sherman for five days has been described as everything from “symbolic and based on principle” to “point-scoring that’s also somehow totally pointless”. 

However one senior newsroom figure, speaking on condition of anonymity, spoke to our reporters.

“It’s a bit like Gerry’s found a dead horse and he’s just started flogging it for some reason. No one’s impressed by it, but it’s happening.”

More to come 

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SMART TRAVEL

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has unveiled what he is calling a “practical, everyday fuel saving strategy” after confirming he will no longer be regularly driving to television interviews with Tova O’Brien, a move he says could be replicated by Kiwis feeling the pain at the pump.

Speaking from Wellington, Luxon said it was part of a broader effort to “cut unnecessary trips”, noting that many New Zealanders could benefit from taking a closer look at the places they’re just driving to out of habit.

“Look, at the end of the day, if you don’t drive somewhere, you don’t use the petrol,” he said. “It’s just about being a bit more intentional with what you’re doing. I looked at a few of my regular commitments and thought, do I actually need to physically go there every time?”

Luxon said he had already noticed “immediate savings” after reducing certain appearances.

“You skip a couple of those regular drives each week and suddenly you’re not filling up as often. It adds up and it’s just common sense stuff really.”

He encouraged Kiwis to apply the same thinking to their own routines.

“Could be a weekly meeting, could be a class, could be anything really. If you can cut it out or just not turn up, you’re saving fuel straight away. Fair enough if you still want to go, but just have a think about it.”

Lower Hutt resident Jason Miller said he had already taken the advice on board, by simply not turning up to his Thursday night indoor cricket.

“Was costing me about fifteen bucks in petrol each week, easy,” he said. “Now I just stay home. Still part of the team group chat, so it’s like I’m still there.”

Transport analyst Megan Poole said the strategy was “technically sound,” but noted that it may have “wider implications” depending on what people choose to stop attending.

“From a purely fuel perspective, yes, not going places will reduce usage,” she said. “What that means for everything else including democracy is probably a separate conversation.”

Luxon confirmed he is continuing to review other regular commitments that “require a drive for no real reason.”

More to come.

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BACKING EACH OTHER

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has confirmed National MPs will now hold regular “compliment circles”, following what he described as the “strong foundation” created by this week’s successful leadership confidence vote.

Speaking to media, Luxon said the vote had already given the team a noticeable lift, but there was an opportunity to “build on that energy in a more deliberate way.”

“Look what I will say is we’ve seen what a quick show of hands can do for morale,” he said. “But if you sit everyone down in a circle on the carpet and really take the time to say what you appreciate about each other, that’s where the real growth happens, you know?”

Under the new approach, MPs will remove their shoes, sit cross-legged, and take turns offering affirmations to the person beside them, while maintaining eye contact for “a respectful but slightly uncomfortable amount of time.”

Finance Minister Nicola Willis says she’s already prepared a few lines.

“I’ve got one for Chris about his energy, and one for Todd about how he always brings a kind of quiet determination to things,” she said. “It’s just about recognising the little things people do ay.”

Luxon confirmed the exercise will include a “talking object,” likely a soft toy or small cushion, which MPs must hold while speaking.

“You can’t interrupt when someone’s got the cushion,” he said. “That’s a big part of it. It teaches patience and active listening, and I think we can all improve on that.”

A senior staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said early sessions had already shown promise.

“There was some giggling at first, but once they got into it, you could see some of them really needed this,” the staffer said. “A few of the men were sitting there like they hadn’t been told they were doing a good job since 1998.”

Luxon says the initiative is about ensuring the caucus enters the election year feeling “grounded, supported, and ready to win.”

More to come.

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BREAD AND BUTTER ISSUES

Concern is growing across New Zealand as everyday drinkers continue to face what they are calling “unmanageable conditions” when purchasing beers, with many now openly asking why the Coalition has not stepped in to address the issue at a national level.

The cost of a standard pint has steadily crept up in recent years, leaving some Kiwis feeling like they are being forced into making “tough choices” between having four beers or “cutting back to a responsible three”.

Wellington office worker Jason Clarke says the situation has become “unsustainable”, particularly on Thursdays and Fridays. “You get to the bar and suddenly you’re looking at like $14 a pint,” he said.

“And you just think, how is this on me to deal with, you know? Bloody Luxon! There should be something in place. A rebate or a cap or some kind of traffic light system.”

Clarke says he has already taken steps to manage the pressure, including briefly considering going home after work instead of staying out.

“I looked at my budget and thought maybe I just have less beers,” he said.

“But then I thought actually, no, that’s not really addressing the root of the issue. That’s just me absorbing the impact.”

Others agree the responsibility should not sit with individuals.

“It’s the same as anything these days,” said Lower Hutt man Daniel Reeves. “You shouldn’t have to change your own behaviour. That’s what the government’s there for.”

Reeves says he would welcome a targeted support package, possibly including a weekly beer allowance or “some sort of subsidy for the first few rounds”.

Outside observers say the issue highlights a broader shift in how people view personal responsibility.

Local bartender Amy Ngata says she regularly hears customers discussing what “should be done” about the situation.

“There’s a lot of talk about solutions…” said Ngata, “…but not so much about people wanting to improve their own situations. That doesn’t seem to come up as much.”

At the time of writing, no policy announcements have come from any party, leaving many pundits wondering whether they actually know it’s an election year. 

More to come.

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STRANGELY FAMILIAR

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon is reportedly “pulled out the big guns”, after more disappointing poll results this last week. He believes that his “pale, stale and male” label is the one major thing holding National back at the moment. 

“Sometimes it’s the surface level things that need to be freshened up,” he told reporters, who were mostly interested in concocting some kind of behind-the-scenes leadership challenge. “This new look I’ve put together is fresh and fun, but also has that exciting 2017-type vibe.”

Luxon said his makeover was not inspired by anything or anyone in particular, but that it is something “fresh and original” and “a little bit out there, sure”. 

“Ha yes the hair is a lot, i know, but that’s sort of what you do in 2026. The androgynous look is very in, especially if you look at pop stars like Harry Styles”.

When pushed again on whether his new look was inspired by one particular political figure, who he may share most of his views with, Luxon stared blankly. “Ha, um, no, this is my own look and it expresses who I really am, and where I stand politically. And actually I reject the premise of the question.”

Luxon says he will continue to lead National towards getting the economy back on track, but that from now on he will be “leading with kindness”. 

“If there’s one thing this world needs right now, it’s for people to be kind to each other. We all have the power to do that. But as prime minister, I feel like I have a different kind of power,” he said completely unironically.  

Luxon then reiterated that he has “the full support of his caucus”, but would not comment on whether he had any job offers from any overseas universities.

More to come. 

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POLL POSITION

A group of frustrated National MPs have reportedly begun developing an AI agent designed to be “more likeable, more responsive, and less repetitive than the Prime Minister (or anyone else in National)”.

The project, known internally as “Project: Just Answer the Question”, was allegedly sparked after another week of leadership speculation and a press conference where Christopher Luxon confirmed multiple times that he has “full support of my caucus,” without going into detail.

“I’m confident I have the numbers,” Luxon told our reporters today.

Asked what numbers, he replied: “The numbers that show I have the numbers.”

Pressed further, he added: “I talk to my caucus all the time. I’m very confident I have the full support of my caucus.”

He then nodded, settling the matter once and for all.

Inside National, patience appears to be running low. One MP described the new AI prototype as “emotionally available and statistically more coherent than half our morning meetings.”

Another National Party insider said: “We just wanted something that doesn’t answer every question like it’s a loyalty oath. Hopefully this prototype will actually give our caucasus enough confidence to replace Luxon with it”

Early versions of the AI reportedly include several personality settings:

“Soft Reassurance Mode” – answers questions calmly and directly

“Campaign Mode” – avoids answering anything at all, but sounds confident doing it

“Luxon Simulation Mode” – responds to every question with: “I’m very confident I have the full support of my caucus.”

A senior MP, watching the briefing, was asked what the AI might improve.

“Look,” he said, “at this point, we’d settle for something that answers a question without sounding like it’s buffering.”

More to come.

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