DEAD END

Leigh Hart’s ambitious campaign to give one chip to every kiwi has stumbled in the eerily empty corridors of Johnsonville Mall.

The Snackachangi frontman turned up to the ageing Wellington shopping centre shortly after midday with a lone chip packet, hoping to find a bustling public hub with everyday New Zealanders. What he instead found was more like a haunting post-apocalyptic echo chamber.

“I got chatting to someone straight away, had a great old conversation, but when I tried to give them their chip, I realised I’d been talking to a mannequin the whole time. It was quite a frightening experience,” said Hart, actively looking for the nearest exit of the mall.

Hart has been attempting to hand-deliver one SnackaChangi chip to each and every one of the country’s 5.31 million residents, and thought his work may be easier at a large shopping complex.

“I thought maybe there would be a school group around, or a pensioner doing a slow loop of the mall,” he said. “But no. Just closed shops, a broken escalator, and the distant sound of a wheezing air-con unit,” Hart explained, slowly realising he was the only human inside the mall and having more frightening encounters with mannequins.

“I then tried to give the chip to a bloke I saw outside Just Jeans. Giddaaay maaaate, I said. Had a good chat, real solid eye contact. But it was a mannequin. Again!” Hart recalled.

“At one point I thought I saw movement near the old Muffin Break. The ooooool Muffin Break,” he said. “Turned out it was just the automatic doors opening and closing for absolutely nobody.”

At press time, Hart was seen hurriedly leaving the mall and looking over his shoulder, holding the same singly-packaged chip he entered with.

More to come. 

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The post NOBODY HOME: Leigh Hart’s One Chip For Every Kiwi Hits Snag at Johnsonville Mall appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NOT THAT ANYONE ASKED FOR IT

Following the Rugby vs Cricket Black Clash coverage on Saturday night, Keith Williams, 69, has followed through with his promise to be decisively revolted by the Alternative Commentary Collective.

Boomer Drafts Complaint To The Broadcasting Standards Authority Ahead Of Black Clash Commentary

Keith has not only written to the Broadcasting Standards Authority, he has also taken it upon himself to leak his own complaint to the Whakataki Times. We did not express any desire to receive more of Keith’s input, but we are releasing his complaint in full anyway, as it demonstrates the deep-seated hatred that many seniors have for anything different, new or enjoyable.

Dear sir,

I am writing to complain about the Rugby vs Cricket coverage on TVNZ 1. While I enjoyed the game, I had to endure the most unprofessional, uneducated, irritating and pathetic commentary I have ever heard. The commentators involved clearly knew nothing about cricket or rugby, or what is acceptably relevant for a broadcasted sporting event.

For a start, their score predictions and estimations of bowling speed were so off the mark it wasn’t funny. They said that a good total for Team Cricket would be 350 – 400. For a T20! Yeah right, so they’re going to beat the world record for T20 totals by 100 runs are they?! Ridiculous.

Then they claimed that Jordie Barrett, who is athletic but by no means a professional cricketer, could bowl 160-165 kilometres per hour! The fastest delivery EVER BOWLED was 161! And to add insult to injury, they then added that Barrett was 7 foot 4! The tallest All Black of all time is Dominic Bird, who was only 6 foot 9!

And what was that about the “Barrett Tones” barbershop quartet? My wife is good friends with the Barretts, and said they’ve never had a musical bone in their bodies!

They lauded both Richie McCaw and Kieran Read for being two of the greatest All Black VICE captains! Laughable! These two men have dominated world rugby as CAPTAINS, so why the hell would you even bring up their careers as vice captains? The lack of basic sporting knowledge is reason enough to throw these idiots out of the commentary box. 

One commentator began referring to one end of the wicket as “My accommodation end”. Well what use is that? The viewers don’t know where your accommodation is mate! Unbelievable!

But then they began making claims about players’ medical histories, diagnosing Adam Parore with glaucoma due to him having “milky eyes” and saying that Stephen Fleming had a condition that caused him to sweat 7-8 kilos of fluid per day. It’s just so hard to believe, and so inappropriate to make comment about something personal like people’s medical situations when it has nothing to do with the game.

They also kept pronouncing Adam Parore’s surname weird. It’s “Pa-Roar-Ree”.

I demand that you use your powers to issue a heavy fine to TVNZ for continuing to employ these morons each year, so hopefully they’ll get the message and drop them for good.

Surely their days are numbered because I can’t see how anybody could think that they have carried out their commentary duties satisfactorily. 

Yours sincerely,

Keith Williams.   

The Whakataki Times will not be following Keith’s story any further and we politely request that if you’re reading this Keith, please stop emailing us. 

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