PERFECTLY AVERAGE

A new report has stunned New Zealanders by confirming that Jetstar is not uniquely terrible, but is instead just doing the same annoying things as every other airline does, such as Air New Zealand.

“People like to act as though Jetstar invented flight delays,” said lead researcher Gavin Wilson. “But Air NZ has been delaying flights quietly and professionally for decades. They just do it in nicer fonts.”

The findings also revealed that Jetstar is, in fact, a budget airline, a detail the report says many passengers forget the moment they’re asked to pay for food onboard. “There’s this shock every time,” Wilson explained. “Someone will say, ‘What do you mean the coffee isn’t free?’ Mate, the ticket was $59”

Wilson also addressed frequent complaints about Jetstar closing bag drop early, explaining that this usually occurs because passengers have arrived late to the airport.

“If you miss bag drop, that’s not a system failure, that’s a time failure on you” Wilson said. “That’s you not understanding how clocks work. Air New Zealand does the same, but they just don’t cop as much heat.”

Jetstar spokesperson Sarah James said expectations were often “wildly out of proportion.” “You didn’t pay for luxury,” she said. “You paid to arrive somewhere eventually. And usually, that does happen.”

Air New Zealand was also named in the report as an airline that cancels flights for reasons ranging from bad weather to ‘operational reasons,’ which experts describe as “a phrase that means ‘we can’t be bothered explaining this.’”

At press time, both airlines were experiencing minor delays due to weather, staffing, aircraft availability, and the fact that it is a busy holiday time of year for travellers.

More to come.

The post REPORT: Jetstar In Fact Just Another Normal Airline That’s No Better Or Worse Than The Others appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WASN’T WORTH A TRY

Wellington man Sheldon Maher foolishly got his hopes up on his Air New Zealand flight yesterday.

The man was on his way to a much deserved Spring getaway in Queenstown, a welcome reprieve from his hellishly dull job as a corporate services officer at the Ministry of Education. “Great to be feeling the excitement of arriving at the airport and then hopping on a plane to catch up with mates. We’re coming from all around the country to meet up in a neutral location.

“Was all going according to plan until I spotted the Kia Ora magazine, just sitting there in the pocket of the back of the seat in front of me.

“It caught my eye for some reason. Don’t know why, but I thought maybe this time there might be a good story in there for me.

“Maybe something on the All Blacks? Gah, not sure what I was thinking exactly,” explained the man who had just been taken for an absolute ride by the kiwi airline, once again.

“But no, of course not. Not a single article there for me. The thing was chock-a-block full of full-page ads and not much else!

“The best they could do was an article called Top 10 Things To See And Do In Auckland, urgh…” he groaned. “Who goes on holiday and leaves it up until the plane ride to work out what they’re going to do, based on recommendations by Kia Ora??”

Mr Maher then appeared to be getting exceedingly agitated by the mere existence of the magazine. “Why is it still a thing? Everyone’s got a phone for entertainment. And even the people who follow the “flight mode” rules should be organised enough to download something to keep them busy. 

“Get with the times Air New Zealand! Free magazines?? Surprised the climate change nutters haven’t been onto you for wasting paper!”

More to come.

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The post FOOLED AGAIN: Air NZ Passenger Opens “Kia Ora” Magazine Thinking It Will Be Interesting appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RED FLAG!

Graeme Simmons has drawn an unwelcome amount of attention to himself today. 

Alarm bells went off as the 48 year-old data analyst incomprehensibly chose to obey every single flight crew instruction on an Air New Zealand flight from Napier to Wellington. 

“I couldn’t help myself. The rules are there to be followed,” said Simmons, who had turned his cell phone off fifteen minutes before boarding the aircraft.

Simmons was seated next to 29 year-old Lucy Tomilson who was left mentally scarred by the experience.

“He was just very, very odd, like, scarily so. I mean, he fastened his seatbelt the second he sat down. And then he just sits there and intently listens to the flight crew’s instructions. He made me feel really unsafe.” 

Opting not to wear any form of headset or take a chance with bluetooth technology, Simmons opened up to the Whakataki Times who were invited onboard the delayed flight.

“The journey is the reward isn’t it? Better delayed than cancelled” chirped the long-term divorcee while studiously reading the inflight Kia Ora magazine filled with ads.

Simmons’ behaviour created equal concern for 33 year-old flight attendant Sarah Robinson.

“It was quite frightening, not just for me, but for the other passengers. He’s a regular traveller with us, but I found it completely bizarre that he sat up as tall as a meerkat and listened to my every word about the safety briefing. Like seriously mate, those laminated safety briefing cards never change. Just relax a bit.”

Upon landing Simmons remained buckled in and sat as still as a statue while everyone else hastily exited the aircraft.

He then appeared to wait for every single other passenger to disembark before he did, and so the Whakataki Times can not confirm whether Simmons ever actually got off the plane.

More to come.

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