URGH SPORTSBALL

With the Rugby vs Cricket T20 match just around the corner, social activist Ruby Galbraith is calling on people within her echo chamber to get annoyed about it.

The annual sporting event that pits current and former professional rugby players against very retired cricketers is no stranger to controversy. The Alternative Commentary Collective (the ACC) tends to cop the brunt of public anger, mostly from the 60+ demographic. 

While most sports fans born in the post war baby boom can see the commentary for what it is, there are a few who absolutely hate it. They believe sport must be taken completely seriously at all times, especially cricket, and there is no room for “clowns who don’t know what they’re bloody talking about”.

There are also people from that age range generally annoyed that their ritual of watching “The Chase” before the six o’clock news has been interrupted.

This year however, Wellington’s own cultural thought leader Ruby Galbraith, 33, says more people from her own generation should take a stand against the ACC.

“Oh wow, the ACC are back again (eye roll). They’re just a bunch of blokey sexist MEN who think they’re being funny talking about sportsball,” she tweeted to her echo chamber of 500+ loyalists.

“More of us need to stand up to this kind of toxic masculinity. Honestly I don’t think men should even be allowed to talk to each other in small groups. They can’t be trusted.”

When reporters reached out to Galbraith to unpick some of her assertions, she declined to comment, but issued the following statement, again via her X (formerly Twitter) account. 

“Umm, okay I just got asked by a so-called ‘journalist’ to ‘clarify my position’ on why the ACC are a bunch of toxic sexist misogynists. As if I would amplify their platform by adding fuel to their fire.” 

Ms. Galbraith will have to wait and see whether the millennial generation joins her in her campaign against the ACC team. In the meantime the Broadcasting Standards Authority apparently has extra staff rostered on next week to deal with the yearly flood of boomer disgust. 

More to come.

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The post BLACK CLASH BACKLASH: Millennial Calls For More Young People To Start Being Annoyed By The ACC Commentary appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NOT THAT ANYONE ASKED FOR IT

Following the Rugby vs Cricket Black Clash coverage on Saturday night, Keith Williams, 69, has followed through with his promise to be decisively revolted by the Alternative Commentary Collective.

Boomer Drafts Complaint To The Broadcasting Standards Authority Ahead Of Black Clash Commentary

Keith has not only written to the Broadcasting Standards Authority, he has also taken it upon himself to leak his own complaint to the Whakataki Times. We did not express any desire to receive more of Keith’s input, but we are releasing his complaint in full anyway, as it demonstrates the deep-seated hatred that many seniors have for anything different, new or enjoyable.

Dear sir,

I am writing to complain about the Rugby vs Cricket coverage on TVNZ 1. While I enjoyed the game, I had to endure the most unprofessional, uneducated, irritating and pathetic commentary I have ever heard. The commentators involved clearly knew nothing about cricket or rugby, or what is acceptably relevant for a broadcasted sporting event.

For a start, their score predictions and estimations of bowling speed were so off the mark it wasn’t funny. They said that a good total for Team Cricket would be 350 – 400. For a T20! Yeah right, so they’re going to beat the world record for T20 totals by 100 runs are they?! Ridiculous.

Then they claimed that Jordie Barrett, who is athletic but by no means a professional cricketer, could bowl 160-165 kilometres per hour! The fastest delivery EVER BOWLED was 161! And to add insult to injury, they then added that Barrett was 7 foot 4! The tallest All Black of all time is Dominic Bird, who was only 6 foot 9!

And what was that about the “Barrett Tones” barbershop quartet? My wife is good friends with the Barretts, and said they’ve never had a musical bone in their bodies!

They lauded both Richie McCaw and Kieran Read for being two of the greatest All Black VICE captains! Laughable! These two men have dominated world rugby as CAPTAINS, so why the hell would you even bring up their careers as vice captains? The lack of basic sporting knowledge is reason enough to throw these idiots out of the commentary box. 

One commentator began referring to one end of the wicket as “My accommodation end”. Well what use is that? The viewers don’t know where your accommodation is mate! Unbelievable!

But then they began making claims about players’ medical histories, diagnosing Adam Parore with glaucoma due to him having “milky eyes” and saying that Stephen Fleming had a condition that caused him to sweat 7-8 kilos of fluid per day. It’s just so hard to believe, and so inappropriate to make comment about something personal like people’s medical situations when it has nothing to do with the game.

They also kept pronouncing Adam Parore’s surname weird. It’s “Pa-Roar-Ree”.

I demand that you use your powers to issue a heavy fine to TVNZ for continuing to employ these morons each year, so hopefully they’ll get the message and drop them for good.

Surely their days are numbered because I can’t see how anybody could think that they have carried out their commentary duties satisfactorily. 

Yours sincerely,

Keith Williams.   

The Whakataki Times will not be following Keith’s story any further and we politely request that if you’re reading this Keith, please stop emailing us. 

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The post LEAKED: Retiree’s Full Complaint About Widely Popular Fresh Approach To Cricket Commentary appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ON THE FRONT FOOT EARLY

Keith Williams, 69, will once again tune in to watch the Hot Spring Spas T20 Black Clash this weekend. Like many cricket lovers his age, he loves everything about the Black Clash except the commentary. 

As the same group of commentators return for the TVNZ broadcast, Keith is geared up to be just as outraged and offended as he was last year. This will be his fourth consecutive year of failing to understand that the Alternative Commentary Collective is not meant to be taken too seriously, and is just a bit of fun to make sport more accessible to a wider audience.

With the game on Saturday night, and a busy day in the garden planned for Sunday, Keith spent most of Thursday doing a general outline of his inevitable complaint to the Broadcasting Standards Authority. 

“They’ll breach standards again, Facebook’s not listening, so it’ll have to go through the BSA.

“Still don’t know who these commentators are or where they came from, but I’ve planned my key points about what I’m going to be upset about. 

“God, remember when they said Chris Harris was 65?! He was 50 at the time!” said a bewildered Williams.  

Our reporters learned that Keith is taking a methodical approach to expressing his resolute disgust. “Dug up my Facebook comments from two years ago, re-use those. No point reinventing the wheel is there?!”, laughed the retiree and lawncare enthusiast. 

“Jotted down a few adjectives that will go well. So far I’ve got ‘unprofessional’, ‘irritating’, ‘irrelevant’, ‘tiresome’, ‘vacuous’, ‘idiotic’, ‘childish’, ‘vulgar’, ‘obnoxious’, ‘puerile’ and ‘pathetic’. Got the thesaurus there too if I need it.

“During the game I’ll write down whatever foul, immature and downright stupid things those idiots say during their “commentary”. Should be a good game!”

Williams has said that he just does not know what goes through the minds of the people running TVNZ. “What the hell are they thinking? It’s like there’s a bunch of bloody schoolboys running the show”, he sighed, shaking his head slowly and looking at the ground.

“All I want to know is, where is the accountability?”

More to come. 

Want to keep up with more of the news that’s important? Instagram works well for that! Check out the Whakataki Times on Insta.

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