STICKY SITUATION

Christ’s College student, Jaxon Richworth, 16, has today demanded answers from fellow students, staff and others in New Zealand after discovering that his innocent fondness for golden syrup has somehow become a national punchline.

The controversy erupted after TVNZ commentator Scotty Stevenson referred to Christ’s College, students as “syrup suckers” during the Black Caps vs West Indies broadcast. It would appear the phrase instantly confused the country and sent Google’s search algorithm into cardiac arrest, along with many Kiwis asking “what does syrup suckers mean?”

“I just want to know what’s wrong with golden syrup,” said Richworth, standing outside the school chapel clutching a half-eaten crumpet. “It’s literally sugar but in liquid form. That’s not weird. That’s delicious. Yummy!!”

Richworth says he was initially excited to see his school mentioned during an international sports broadcast, where some of his classmates were practising cricket near Hagley Oval. 

“But then my phone started blowing up,” he said. “My mates were going on about the term ‘syrup suckers’ and I was like “do you mean golden syrup? It’s been a genuinely confusing couple of days.’

Students across Christ’s College were reportedly left baffled  as the term spread across social media like wildfire, meaning their school has now been put into the media spotlight.

Christ’s College headmaster Joe Eccleton has pursued a formal complaint against TVNZ, effectively Streisanding himself and the school by naturally drawing more attention to the subject that he didn’t want attention on. 

Meanwhile Jaxon was still baffled by the term and controversy around it. 

“It goes on crumpets, pancakes, maybe porridge if it’s a cold morning. I’m not freebasing the stuff. It’s not a lifestyle. It’s just breakfast! Come on TVNZ, what’s wrong with liking golden syrup at Christ’s College?”

More to come.

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HOLIDAY HARSHIP

Jaxon Donovan, 16, a King’s College student from Auckland, has admitted he is feeling the pinch of the “rising cost of living” after his family announced they would not be taking a third overseas holiday this year.

Speaking from his bedroom in his parents’ $4.4 million Remuera home, which overlooks the family’s private tennis courts, Jaxon explained that while he’s enjoyed trips to Bali and Greece, he had been hoping for a third European adventure, including stops in Venice and Rome.

“I was really looking forward to possibly going to Italy,” he said, scrolling through photos on his iPhone 17 from his previous trips. “I mean, Bali and Greece were great, but I was hoping to squeeze in another proper Europe trip before the end of the year. Looks like that’s not happening. Far out. Must be tough out there for everyone.”

When asked about his plans for coping, Jaxon said he might consider spending more time at the family bach in Wanaka. 

“It’s basically like a second overseas trip if you squint,” he said wistfully, “but still… not quite Italy is it?” Jaxon sighed.

His mother  Anna who was at the nail salon, weighed in on her decision to not do a third family holiday.

“I told him, ‘Jaxon, think of it this way: two holidays is actually more than most people get in a year.’ He looked at me like I’d suggested we cancel Christmas,” she explained while looking at $4,000 Gucci handbags online as she will not be travelling to Italy to get one this time.

More to come. 

The post King’s Boy Feeling The Cost Of Living Pinch After Only Getting Two Overseas Trips This Year appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHEEL WOES

16-year-old Mille Sullivan’s day of glamour quickly turned into a scene of heartbreak when she arrived at the Diocesan School for Girls’ annual school ball in a white 2024 BMW 1 Series.

“I thought I’d be the queen of the ball tonight,” Mille told reporters, visibly embarrassed at arriving in last year’s model. “But then I got here and saw everyone arriving in their parents’ 2025 BMW models… it completely ruined my night before it even started.”

Sullivan, who lives in Epsom, had been counting down the days to the ball, practicing her entrance in the mirror, rehearsing compliments, and dreaming of Instagram stories that would showcase her arrival in a BMW in all its glossy, four-wheeled glory. Instead, her arrival was met with barely concealed stifled laughter from fellow students.

“Look at Mille’s BMW… so last year!” giggled her friend Clara Tindall, 16. “I mean, who even buys a 2024 when 2025 is out? It’s like showing up with last season’s Chanel.” said Clara, sporting the latest iPhone as well.

Her other friend, Zoe Hamilton, chimed in with mock sympathy. “I almost cried for her,” Zoe said. “But then I remembered, it’s just a car. Except here, apparently, it’s your social life on wheels. How embarrassing!”

Mille’s grand entrance in the 2024 BMW was met with polite applause, which quickly shifted to sympathetic murmurs as other students flaunted their shinier, sleeker, and very clearly 2025 models. Mille attempted a brave smile, waving to friends, but by the time she reached the ballroom, the tears were unstoppable. She also had to re-iterate that her parents weren’t poor while also living in a $4.6m home.

“I just wanted one perfect night,” she sobbed, leaning against the car for support. “Now all I can think about is how outdated my parents’ BMW is. It’s humiliating. 2024, what the hell. That was literally last year! Ugh!”

Sources say Mille left the ball early, retreating home to Epsom, where she reportedly spent the rest of the evening scrolling through 2025 BMW Instagram ads and crying into her pillow and begging her parents to upgrade their perfectly fine $70,000 vehicle .

More to come. 

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NO BAG NO WORRIES

Sixteen-year-old Olivia Redmond caused zero fuss this morning after realising she’d misplaced her $3,200 Louis Vuitton handbag, casually making her way to the Rangi Ruru Girls’ School lost property box as if she’d left behind a half-full Frank Green water bottle.

“I just thought, ‘Ugh, where did I put that thing?’” said the Year 12 student as she moved a couple of Lacoste jumpers to unveil her lost handbag.

When asked if she was ever actually concerned about losing the high-end item, Olivia was honest.

“I mean, worst case, Mum would’ve just called the Merivale store. Or flown one up from Britomart. It’s not that deep,” she said, messaging her Mum on her iPhone 16 to let her know to stop looking online for a new one.

“Like, I left my Prada clutch in the art block last term and it turned up a few days later in the Year 13 bathroom. Honestly, everything finds its way back eventually. I probably should be more careful,” Olivia concluded.

School office manager Yvonne Delaney says nothing shocks her anymore.

“At public schools we used to get the odd pair of lunchbox forks or scuffed Hush Puppies. But here, it’s Dior sunglasses, Tiffany earrings, the occasional latest iPhone edition. But the girls don’t seem too fussed, probably because they assume their parents will just replace it anyway.”

Delaney confirmed Olivia’s bag had been sitting in lost property since early last week, along with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of other luxury items.

More to come.

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DAD’S ARK

A state of emergency across Christchurch proved no match for one determined Rangi Ruru Girls’ School student this morning, who refused to let a “bit of puddle” ruin her education—or her aesthetic.

With Canterbury’s wild weather turning the streets of Tai Tapu into tributaries and Selwyn into a soggy Venice, 15-year-old Ruby Whiting of Merivale  proved that resilience runs deep in the privileged.

“Ugh, Dad’s Jaguar was obviously no use this morning,” said Whiting, rolling her eyes and gesturing toward the luxury car now floating slowly past their letterbox.

“So we just used the family boat we normally take to our bach in Kaiteriteri during the summer break, but with today’s flooding, may as well get it out a few months early!” 

Meanwhile, Ruby’s younger sister, Sophie, 11, had already made waves—literally—having commandeered the family jet ski and shot off toward her primary school at speeds that would breach any 5-knot zone.

Ruby, dressed in full regulation blazer, boat shoes, and a tightly knotted school tie (“It’s important to maintain standards, even during natural disasters,” she noted), was one of several Rangi students spotted navigating their way to school this morning via family watercraft.

“My friend India texted and said she was taking their family’s inflatable yacht because the kayak was ‘too pedestrian,’” Ruby explained, rolling her eyes. “Like, imagine turning up in a kayak. People talk.” she said in disgust.

At the time of reporting, the Christchurch City Council continued to advise residents to stay home unless travel was essential. However, sources close to Rangi Ruru confirm that today’s Year 11 Latin test was deemed “absolutely essential,” even if students had to arrive by naval convoy.

More to come. 

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CORDELIA URCHINS | Culture

Christchurch Couple Mollie Marriott, 29, and Toby Green, 30, have decided that while socks stay off during sex, the school leavers hoodies stay on.

The pair, who have been together for 11 years, explained that their high school leavers hoodies have been a welcome addition to their Rolleston-based lovemaking. 

“Our favourite position is doggie- he reads out the names on the back of my hoodie so we can discuss mutual friends”, says Mollie. 

“If I’m lucky I get smacked with the yearbook” adds Toby. 

Following a bit of a dry spell, the hoodies turned out to be just what they needed to reignite their spark. 

“It’s easy in a relationship to get caught up in the little things and forget about what really matters- Christchurch Boys Class of 2012 and Christchurch Girls class of 2013.”

The decision comes as part of wider efforts to revitalise their sex life. The Whakataki Times received an anonymous tip off from a lady who claims she joined them for a threesome.

“I left as they spent most of the time talking about his Y10 science teacher.”

The couple vehemently dismissed allegations that they peaked in high school, adding that they have a very fulfilled life. Their hobbies include walking their dog, going to the riverside food market and purchasing new furniture for their new build.

More to come. 

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CRUSADE ON

29-year-old Tim Riley has made it clear that he’s “pretty open” to meeting new folks in Christchurch.

However they must meet one very important criteria. They need to hail from Christchurch, ideally from his very own suburb of Fendalton, and preferably have attended Christchurch Boys’ High.

“Look, I’m not saying I don’t like people from outside Christchurch, it’s just that I get Christchurch people.  I mean, how am I supposed to trust someone who doesn’t know what it’s like to be stuck in traffic on Papanui Road.

Tim was quick to explain that if someone’s not from Fendalton, his suburb, it’s an even bigger hurdle.

 “It’s like, if you don’t know where the best place for a post-work pint is in Merivale, or if you’ve never had an awkward run-in with a mate’s ex at Ballantynes, how are we supposed to relate?”

“If someone’s not from Christchurch, that’s, like, 50% of what I’m looking for in a friendship already gone,” he said, nodding as though this were an unassailable fact.

When asked if his criteria would ever extend to someone from, say, Auckland or Wellington, Tim wasn’t having it.

“Aucklanders? They try, but they’ll never get the pride we have for the Crusaders. And Wellington? Don’t even get me started,” Tim said, rolling his eyes.

More to come. 

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SCHOOLING THE SYSTEM

Sophie Cooper, a happy go-lucky go-getter had no idea her lack of Christchurch school history would leave her on the fringes of the city’s social circles.

The 26 year-old had recently relocated from Wellington for a job and was expecting to make friends with nearly everyone she would meet, just like she had done for years living in the Bohemian suburb of Newtown.

“It started innocently enough,” Sophie explained. “I overheard colleagues planning a group dinner, so I casually mentioned I was free and keen to meet some people as I’d just moved down here. That’s when someone said, ‘Oh, it’s just a few of us from Christ’s College and the girls from Rangiruru from our year.’ I wasn’t sure if that was a joke or a firm no.”

Determined not to let Christchurch’s cliquish culture defeat her, Sophie decided it was futile trying to get an invite to a private event, so instead refocused her energy on joining one of the city’s “run clubs”. 

“I found the run club awesome and I try to go twice a week at the moment. It’s called Social Striders. I also joined a pottery class, a quiz team, and will probably try to get into a bowls club if it means someone will add me to the group chat.” 

Despite the setbacks, Sophie remains optimistic. “I’ve learned to introduce myself with a light-hearted disclaimer,” she said. “Something like, ‘Hi, I didn’t grow up or go to school here, but I promise I’m not weird or a Hamiltonian.’ That seems to help.”

More to come.  

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MAKING IT CLIQUE

Kristy Fowler, 27, is quickly discovering that making friends in Christchurch is less about introductions and more about enduring lengthy probation periods. 

Fowler is currently on wait lists for three friend groups, something uniquely specific to the garden city.

“I thought it’d be as simple as ‘Hi, I’m Kristy! I just moved from Wellington,’ and suddenly I’d be invited to the weekend BBQs and social events,” she explained. 

It’s been a hard road to friendship for Ms Fowler. She is still figuring out what to do with her Friday and Saturday nights since she will most certainly be alone.

“In Wellington, you could just chat to someone at a bar, and next thing you know, you’re invited to their flatwarming. Here, it’s like you need a passport and a notarized letter of intent just to get a coffee invite.”

Chad Higgins, one of Kristy’s coworkers, wasn’t surprised by her struggle. “Look, it’s Christchurch – we take our friendships seriously here,” Higgins told reporters with a shrug. 

“You can’t just walk in and expect everyone to accept you overnight. At least give us some chat about Crusaders selections for next season. 

“You’ve got to understand it’s hard for us to figure you out when you didn’t go to a recognisable local high school,” he said matter of factly. 

Ms. Fowler meanwhile admitted she was yet to have a breakthrough in the social department. 

“Ugh no. I’ve joined a pilates club and runners club. But still, it feels like there’s a five-year membership waiting period before anyone will even consider letting you into their friend circle”

“I’ve literally had friendlier conversations with the Uber drivers here. Can somebody please just invite me to their quiz night or something!?”

More to come. 

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