BOXING ON

Nathan Goodall is attempting to make amends today.

True to form, the 31-year-old from Masterton absolutely went overboard on Christmas indulgence, leaving him this morning with what he called a “double hangover, food and alcohol combined.”

“I woke up feeling like a stuffed turkey myself,” he admitted. “Honestly, my body was staging a protest. I had no choice but to move. I’ve gotta look in some sort of shape if I’m going to be spending the next week at the beach.”

Goodall described coaxing his unwilling body into some form of exercise.

“I genuinely felt ten kilos heavier. My fridge was laughing at me,” Goodall said. “So I grabbed my running shoes and just, well this food bell isn’t going to vanish itself!.”

As he jogged, he became all too aware of his body’s new dynamics. “Everything was wobbling in ways I didn’t know possible. If someone saw me, they’d probably call it a medical emergency,” he said, grimacing.

Nathan insisted he completed the full five kilometres without stopping, though he admitted it wasn’t a speed record. “It was less about time and more about turning up and doing something to shift yesterday’s load,” he explained.

More to come.

The post Man Punishes Self With Excruciating Boxing Day Run After Outrageous Christmas Feast appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FESTIVE FALLOUT

Christmas Day harmony was shattered across one Auckland household this morning after it became painfully, almost scientifically clear that one sibling received a significantly better gift than the other.

This morning’s drama began at approximately 7:42am, when 16-year-old Olivia unwrapped a brand-new iPhone, complete with a shiny case and what witnesses described as “the smug glow of someone who is now completely untouchable.”

Her older brother, Max,18,  reportedly followed by opening a box containing what appeared to be a reasonably nice puzzle and also a painted picture of a beach that he could “hang up” in his University dorm room next year.

“Oh thanks, really needed this,” Max claimed, visibly blinking back emotional damage as his sister began to activate her new iPhone.

By 8:05am the crisis had escalated, with Max deploying classic sibling warfare tactics including sighing loudly, staring dramatically out the window, and asking, “So why does she get that again?” at increasing volumes.

“She needed a new phone darling, plus I think that painting would go well in your new uni room. A nice reminder of home,” said his mother Claire.

“Ah right. So how much was the puzzle and painting again?” questioned Max, knowing a new iPhone is close to $2,000.

“Max, it’s not about how much a present is, but the thought that goes into it. Now be quiet and don’t be jealous of your little sister.”

More to come.

The post Sibling Tension Peaks As One Child Clearly Gets Better Gift appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALL ABOUT BALANCE

54-year-old mother of three boys, Claire Molesworth, was all about keeping the universe in perfect balance this Christmas. This was not to say she was looking for joy-filled festivities with friends and family — far from it. Instead, Claire’s goal for the day was to balance her own stress levels with those of her family by intentionally aggravating them at regular intervals.

“I still haven’t started making any of the salads and I still need to get in the shower and get changed,” she barked on Christmas morning in the lead-up to the family lunch. “Paul, when are you going to go and get the ice? We haven’t got any ice!”

Her husband Paul, meanwhile, had already been to get ice and it was safely tucked away in the second freezer, the one Claire famously never opens.

“I put it in the other freezer on purpose,” he admitted. “Just to let her think I hadn’t done it for a second or two. On Christmas Day she’s not happy unless she’s got something to stress about.”

Luke, their 12-year-old eldest son, naïvely decided this would be the year he finally offered to help.

“I told Mum I could set the table, so I put the Christmas tablecloth out with the crackers and the knives and forks,” he said. “But once I did it, she had a meltdown because apparently everything was crooked, upside-down, I’d put out the wrong spoons, or something. She took it all off and started again.”

Luke paused, staring into the middle distance with the weary gaze of a much older man.

“So instead of getting yelled at I might just see if Dad wants to let me have one of his beers this year.”

Claire, meanwhile, was attempting to make the house look so perfect you might think it was being put on the market. Her parents and brother were coming over, which apparently made it a life and death situation.

“God, I just had to re-do the tablecloth because I’m apparently the only one capable of doing anything around here, and Paul STILL hasn’t got any ice,” she said, forgetting entirely that Paul had told her, only moments earlier, that the ice was in the other freezer.

As the family continued tiptoeing around the house in a state of fear, it became clear that Christmas lunch wasn’t about food, or family, or festive spirit. It was about achieving the perfect, delicate equilibrium of stress — and Claire was determined to get everyone up to her level before midday.

More to come. 

The post CHRISTMAS LUNCH PREGAME: Local Mum Attempts To Elevate Family’s Stress Levels To Match Hers appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ACTUALLY STOKED

Nineteen year old Nico Hunter didn’t have any expectations this Christmas, as he was happy to just be back home surrounded by family, good food and good vibes.

But he got the shock of his life on Christmas morning when he received socks and undies from his mum and dad. It wasn’t the gift that was shocking though. It was Nico’s deep, overwhelming feeling of gratitude that took him by surprise.

“I’m pretty sure I get undies and socks every year as a present, and usually it’s a complete non-event,” he said, feeling very comfortable that his downstairs was being supported by a new pair of underwear fresh out of the packet.

“Usually I just say thanks mum and dad, and then move on to the next present. But this time I was elated. I remember saying ‘This is exactly what I need mum, thank you,’ and I really meant it.”

Hunter had just spent his first year away from home, and with the sudden burst of freedom, it is fair to say that money was being spent on things other than socks.

“How good is the feeling of new socks on your feet. Never worn, never washed. Just new,” said Nico as he wriggled his toes indulgently like a man who had known true hardship.

Flatting life had taught the young man many things, but perhaps nothing more confronting than the sheer cost of basic clothing. Between weekend sessions, Uber Eats, and a suspicious number of late-night ATM withdrawals, socks had fallen so far down the priority list they were effectively endangered.

“The cost of living bites, but so does the cost of enjoying myself. I don’t want to miss out so something’s gotta give eventually, but how good are fresh undies?”

His mother, Michelle, was reportedly thrilled by the rare display of appreciation.

“He actually hugged the packet,” she said, still a little stunned. “I thought he was taking the piss, but no, he looked emotional.”

Nico says the socks and undies have already changed the trajectory of his summer.

“Honestly, I feel like a new man. New year, new me, new undies. I’m unstoppable.”

More to come. 

The post COMING OF AGE: Local Lad Genuinely Grateful To Get Socks And Undies For Christmas appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RETAIL REALITY

Christchurch man Matt Harrison, 31, has today expressed deep frustration at the sheer volume of “bloody last-minute Christmas idiots” clogging up Riccarton Mall, while physically standing among them.

Harrison, who reportedly vowed  that he would “absolutely not, no matter what, ever again leave Christmas shopping until the 24th,” found himself wandering the mall at 11:15am on Christmas Eve, clutching a half-written list and wearing the expression of a man under pressure. 

Harrison entered the mall already muttering under his breath about “how people have no self-respect doing this last-minute”, before promptly joining a 25-minute queue at Farmers to buy whatever was left that looked gift-shaped and to get something for his Mum.

Despite being a contributing member of the very crowd he despised, he was reportedly stunned to discover that:

• The shops were full.
  
• The shelves were partially empty.
  
• And yes, other human beings also left things late.
  

“He just kept saying ‘I can’t believe how busy it is,’” said one fellow shopper, who overheard Harrison’s commentary while also trying to buy a panic-gift. “As if it’s some shocking, unprecedented event. Mate, it’s Christmas Eve for goodness sake. What the hell were you expecting?.”

Harrison became particularly agitated upon learning that the specific item he wanted “literally the only thing my sister asked for” had sold out two days earlier. A retail assistant informed him that the last unit had been purchased by a man who, ironically, had shown “excellent planning” and bought it on December 17th.

Harrison responded by staring blankly at a rack of novelty socks for a full 40 seconds before purchasing them in defeat and then proceeded to panic buy things from other retail stores. 

More to come.

The post Last Minute Christmas Shopper Angered By “All The People” Despite Being One Of Them appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BLIND AGREEMENT 

28-year-old Jason Browning of Christchurch was spotted at Westfield Riccarton, bravely navigating a skincare store, attempting to buy a Christmas present for his girlfriend, Sophie Clarke, 25, armed with nothing but confidence and the phrase “yeah, she’s mentioned that before”.

Browning, who has not been in a women’s skincare store before, spent several minutes nodding thoughtfully as a 21-year-old shop assistant explained the difference between serums, cleansers and “something with active ingredients”.

Clearly out of his depth he kept responding with phrases such as “right, yep, that makes sense” and “she’s definitely more of a… that kind of skin”. 

At one point, Browning reportedly picked up a bottle, turned it over twice, and said “I like this one, feels premium”.

“I just know she wants some sort of skincare stuff,” Browning said, holding a boxed set labelled Hydration Essentials. “She’s really into looking after her skin. I’m across it. I get it. 

“This one says ‘glow’ which sounds positive.” He later confirmed the decision was final after the assistant said “this one’s really popular”, adding, “yeah nah, that’s the one, she’ll love that.”

Browning left the store visibly relieved, clutching the bag like a man who had survived something, before immediately googling “is skincare a good Christmas gift” while walking towards many more stores for the many gifts he still needs to buy her.

More to come.

The post Bloke Purchasing Skincare Christmas Gift For Girlfriend Nods Along With Shop Assistant Like He’s Across It appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PEACE OF MIND

A pair of Lower Hutt parents are experiencing a refreshing level of December peace this year after quietly shelving the Elf on a Shelf tradition that nearly broke them last Christmas.

Emma and Josh Taylor, parents of two excitable boys aged four and six, say they are finally able to enjoy the lead-up to Christmas without the nightly panic of remembering to relocate a small plastic elf before the kids wake up.

“Last year was a Christmas nightmare,” said Emma, who still winces at the sound of a tiny bell jingling. “Every night we’d get into bed, relax for thirty seconds, then one of us would bolt upright like, ‘THE ELF!’ It was just a month of stress.”

The Taylors say they started the tradition innocently enough, thinking it would create “wholesome Christmas magic”. What they did not anticipate was the burden of having to create daily narrative arcs for a doll with a fixed facial expression.

“You think it’ll be cute,” said Josh. “But by night eight you’re out of ideas. You’re placing it in a plant or sticking it in a cereal box or making it ‘ride’ the dog. Meanwhile the boys are like, ‘Wow! The elf is so silly!’ and you’re like, ‘Mate, I’m the silly one for doing this to myself’, bloody stupid actually.”

The breaking point reportedly came on December 22nd last year when both parents woke up at 3am and sprinted through the house whisper-swearing because the elf was still sitting in the exact same place as the day before.

“We were ashamed of ourselves,” said Emma. “Not because we forgot, but because we were letting a $17 Kmart doll dictate our lives.”

This year, the couple made the bold decision to simply not mention the elf at all. To their surprise, the children also did not mention it, likely because they were too busy fighting due to severe cases of end-of-year tiredness.

“It’s been bliss,” said Josh, leaning back on the couch with the confidence of a man not responsible for maintaining small-scale festive illusions. “We’ve regained our evenings and our sanity. Christmas is ours again.”

The couple confirmed they would “absolutely not” be bringing the elf back next year. 

More to come. 

The post Parents Pleased They Skipped Elf On A Shelf This Year And Avoided The Sheer Admin Of It appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DECEMBER MODE

Jason Tilley, 34, from Auckland, has officially entered his end-of-year hibernation cycle after spotting the annual migration of the Christmas Cookie Time Girls through his Albert Street office this morning.

Tilley mentally began to wind down for the entire year at 9:04 this morning when he heard the unmistakable jingle of plastic tubs and overly cheerful upsell scripts drifting down the hallway.

“I’ll take two of those thanks,” he instructed the 20 year-old university students, clearly doing the job as a small summer gig, signifying the beginning of Christmas and the end of the working year.

His co-workers explained that Tilley has not completed a meaningful task since last week and constantly keeps asking everyone what they’re doing for the Christmas and summer break despite a lot more work needing to be done before anyone can even consider a summer break.

“Look, once the Cookie Time girls show up, I’m mentally checked out for the year to be honest,” Tilley admitted while rearranging Christmas tinsel the receptionist had plastered over his desk.

“I’ve got three Christmas parties to attend over the next couple of weeks and to be honest, the Cookie Time girls make it feel like the year is done already. It’s the silly season!”

At press time, Tilley was last spotted googling “Secret Santa ideas under $10” instead of completing the report due yesterday, and began drafting his out of office auto-reply email for the summer.

More to come.

The post Bloke Begins Annual Wind-Down The Moment Christmas Cookie Time Girls Enter Office appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

Local Whakataki Uncle Darryl Clifton was a man on a mission today.

The used car salesman, 58, proudly resumed his role as the loud and vulgar member of the family, and decided to leave no doubt ahead of his big day.

Christmas Day for many misfit family members around New Zealand is a golden opportunity to get obnoxiously drunk, and extremely inappropriate.

“Aw gummon just a great summer day with the family to have a beer or ten!” Darryl laughed loudly.

The unbecoming Uncle proceeded to fart as he plunged himself next to his 14 year-old niece Ella on the couch, then wasted no time in launching into some classic Uncle Darryl chat.

“So got yourself a boyfriend yet?” he slurred to nephew Andrew, 20, whose sexuality was still very well unknown. 

“Well have yoouuu got yourself a boyfriend yet?” Andrew replied to his visibly overweight uncle, who has shockingly managed to stay single for 58 years.

Swigging back his fourth beer by 1:23pm and ensuring he was horrendously intoxicated ahead of the family’s late lunch, he eyed up his next victim, 24 year-old niece Sophie, taking a stab at her well known political views. 

“Surprised you’re not wearing green today?” smirked the in-form Uncle Darryl. 

Refusing to take it easy on the beers, he also equally refused to take it easy in the traditional post lunch backyard cricket. 

“Oh howzzattt?! Back to the sheds ya go!”, he barked at his 6 year-old nephew Seth after clean-bowling him with frightening pace.

“Darryl, you know you could go easy on him!” yelled his sister Anna from the kitchen.

“Oh come on, the kids these days are just bloody snowflakes” he retorted as he snatched Seth’s brand new bat he received from Santa earlier this morning. 

“It’s just really Mummy and Daddy who gave ya that new stick. Can’t ya see why she’s so shitty I rolled ya first ball!?”

Darryl then proceeded to score a patient half century, scoring most of his runs along the ground for four, very aware of the six-and-out rule and irritating everyone by staying in for so long. “Bloody T20 just teaches kids how to try and hit sixes and get themselves out!”, he lectured as he downed his eighth beer during the drinks break.

The now well out of control Uncle, who had started to dance while nobody else was remotely keen, proceeded to make everyone feel extremely uncomfortable in his presence with one final comment.

“So what date is ya wedding again Soph?”

More to come.

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The post Uncle Cuts To The Chase And Gets Insanely Drunk and Obnoxious At Christmas Lunch appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

The 47 year-old credit controller from Hamilton’s Data-Corp was the toast of the office today, with his spontaneous purchase of 1.2kg of CookieTime Christmas Cookies.

“Make it four!” yelled the now office legend, reaching for four 300 g buckets, one of each of the available varieties. This was after polishing off samples supplied by the two CookieTime representatives, dressed as elves.

Gallagher’s colleague Sandra Brunning, 36, said she’d never seen this side of Dave before.

“We talk on a professional basis, and to be honest I’ve always thought he was a bit of a wet blanket. But when I heard this yahooing from the other side of the office when he made his purchase, I’ve gotta say I found myself getting a bit excited, y’know, a bit hot and bothered!

“I dunno, there was just something sexy about the way he brazenly bought an excessive quantity of biscuits!”

Data-corp employees generally only purchased one bucket or politely declined, which left the gate wide open for Gallagher to step up and make a real impact.

Sophie Brunson, 19, a part time employee of CookieTime, said it was the most rock solid purchase she’d ever seen. 

“I mean usually I’m coming back a couple of weeks later and chasing these people up, who are then usually out of the office on annual leave. But this guy, without hesitation, just demands four buckets, slams his credit card on the table and pays for them on the spot. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

As he wiped the cranberry and white chocolate biscuit crumbs off his lips, Gallagher took the time to talk to the Whakataki Times reporters who were first on the scene. 

“So ah… who likes cookies?” cackled the now office legend, causing an eruption of laughter.

“Well someone has to help me. I can’t eat them all on my own!” 

Tongues have now been wagging in the office to see who Gallagher, a recent divorcee, will be sharing his buckets of glory with.

More to come.

The post Quiet Guy In The Office Makes A Splash With Large-Scale Purchase Of Christmas Cookies appeared first on The Whakataki Times.