ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture
Local Whakataki Uncle Darryl Clifton was a man on a mission today.
The used car salesman, 58, proudly resumed his role as the loud and vulgar member of the family, and decided to leave no doubt ahead of his big day.
Christmas Day for many misfit family members around New Zealand is a golden opportunity to get obnoxiously drunk, and extremely inappropriate.
“Aw gummon just a great summer day with the family to have a beer or ten!” Darryl laughed loudly.
The unbecoming Uncle proceeded to fart as he plunged himself next to his 14 year-old niece Ella on the couch, then wasted no time in launching into some classic Uncle Darryl chat.
“So got yourself a boyfriend yet?” he slurred to nephew Andrew, 20, whose sexuality was still very well unknown.
“Well have yoouuu got yourself a boyfriend yet?” Andrew replied to his visibly overweight uncle, who has shockingly managed to stay single for 58 years.
Swigging back his fourth beer by 1:23pm and ensuring he was horrendously intoxicated ahead of the family’s late lunch, he eyed up his next victim, 24 year-old niece Sophie, taking a stab at her well known political views.
“Surprised you’re not wearing green today?” smirked the in-form Uncle Darryl.
Refusing to take it easy on the beers, he also equally refused to take it easy in the traditional post lunch backyard cricket.
“Oh howzzattt?! Back to the sheds ya go!”, he barked at his 6 year-old nephew Seth after clean-bowling him with frightening pace.
“Darryl, you know you could go easy on him!” yelled his sister Anna from the kitchen.
“Oh come on, the kids these days are just bloody snowflakes” he retorted as he snatched Seth’s brand new bat he received from Santa earlier this morning.
“It’s just really Mummy and Daddy who gave ya that new stick. Can’t ya see why she’s so shitty I rolled ya first ball!?”
Darryl then proceeded to score a patient half century, scoring most of his runs along the ground for four, very aware of the six-and-out rule and irritating everyone by staying in for so long. “Bloody T20 just teaches kids how to try and hit sixes and get themselves out!”, he lectured as he downed his eighth beer during the drinks break.
The now well out of control Uncle, who had started to dance while nobody else was remotely keen, proceeded to make everyone feel extremely uncomfortable in his presence with one final comment.
“So what date is ya wedding again Soph?”
More to come.
Want to keep up with more of the news that’s important? Instagram works well for that! Check out the Whakataki Times on Insta.