CONFIDENT GUESSWORK

Blake Bentley, a 32-year-old from Christchurch has emerged as the leading authority on who the recently arrested “prominent New Zealander” is — at least according to his comments in the group chat.

“Nah boys I swear to God, my cousin’s mate’s sister works at the courthouse and said it’s who we all think it is. You know… that person,” Bentley wrote confidently, followed by the eyeballs emoji and a cryptic “ #toldyouso”.

Despite a court-ordered suppression of the person’s name, identifying details and the nature of the eight charges — which RNZ reports could lead to life imprisonment or a sentence of two years or more — Bentley’s confidence has only grown by the hour.

“Don’t ask me how I know. Just know that I know. The mainstream media can’t say it, but I can. Trust me,” Bentley commented, despite failing to ever deliver any decent oil in recent years about anything.

Meanwhile, legal experts have confirmed that suppression laws apply to everyone, including Blake Bentley, his cousin’s mate’s sister, and “that bloke from the bar who reckons he heard something”.

More to come. 

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The post Local Bloke In The Group Chat Definitely Reckons He Knows Who The Prominent New Zealander Is appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BLISSFUL IGNORANCE

Cameron Brown, a 31 year old “knowledge worker” based in Petone, deleted his Facebook account in 2021 and has been reaping the benefits ever since. 

Brown has been busy with his wife Molly and their one year old son Lochie, going through the regular rhythms of work, dinner, bath and bedtime, followed by a total collapse on the couch each night. 

“It’s been good! Best thing ever actually. Exhausting, but it’s worth it. You really appreciate the point at the end of the day when you finally get to switch off and do nothing though,” he said, currently slumped on his couch. 

Unbeknownst to Mr Brown, his friend Will from his old hockey team held a lively gathering last weekend, featuring multiple beers and a trip to Courtenay Place. Naturally the invitation to the event only ever existed on Facebook, and Brown did not attend. 

“Yeah look I think the best thing about being a dad is finding that extra bit of purpose. It’s a lot easier to get up and get to work each morning, knowing that you’ve got a family that depends on you,” he said, still oblivious that he missed Will’s party, or that there ever was one. 

Brown says he hasn’t really missed being on Facebook, and appreciates his more simplified life. 

“Facebook? Ohh nah I deleted my account a few years ago,” said Brown, confused about why our reporters were asking the question. 

“Although now that you mention it, you do end up losing touch with people, don’t you? Probably just need to remember to text people from time to time right? 

“I haven’t actually been to a party in years,” he laughed. 

The interview was cut short when Mr Brown came across a new episode of one of the many self improvement podcasts he was subscribed to. 

More to come. 

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The post Local Bloke Not On Facebook Happily Misses Event He Didn’t Know About appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GHOSTS OF A DOUBLE BROWN PAST

Matt Yates, 34, was thrown a curveball this morning.

The father of two, devoted husband to Nicola, did his usual morning routine of chasing kids around the house and attempting to enjoy a cup of cold coffee.

While his life seemed just as happy-go-lucky as he is, Matt’s Facebook Memories from 2008  projected a different kind of person.

“‘Oh ffs” he muttered, seeing a photo on his timeline where he was blind drunk at a party with people he hasn’t really heard from in over a decade now.

“I look like a full grown baby who just discovered the alcohol aisle at Pak n Save,” Matt muttered, cringing so hard that he almost pulled a neck muscle, while simultaneously wondering who the guy is he has his arm around.

“What was I even thinking back then? Probably something like, ‘This Double Brown is going to make me the life of the party,’ when really, it just made me the life of a 3-day hangover.”

Nicola, overhearing her husband’s lament, peered over his shoulder. “Oh my god. Is that you?” she asked, half-amused, half-shocked.

Matt let out a defeated sigh. “Yep. That’s me. Baby-faced, bad haircut, and way too much enthusiasm for cheap beer.”

More to come.

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The post Facebook Memories Unrelenting In Reminding Bloke How Cringe He Was At 18 appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

Amelia Webster was momentarily paralysed today.

The Whakataki Times can reveal that the incident occured when the 25 year-old kindergarten aide received the following message in her Facebook group chat of old high-school friends:

“Hey lovelies! Just a heads up that corkage will be $10 tonight. This was the only place that could fit us in. Can’t wait to see your pretty faces! Love yas!!”

After her crippling tsunami of fear had subsided, Webster composed herself long enough to speak to the Whakataki Times.

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Does she think everyone’ll just be fine with that?” scoffed Webster.

With a tight self-imposed budget in place, Webster had planned to spend a max of $25 for the night, with the hopes of a $10 bottle of wine and a $11 Mei Goreng.

But she was left in disbelief when her best friend Charlotte callously presumed that everyone would just accept the absurd corkage fee.

“I mean come on, we aren’t all working at a top accounting firm like her. Ten dollars just to drink your own shitty wine? Get fucked”.

Taking matters into her own hands, Webster made sure she found the cheapest and shittiest wine, purchasing a $6 bottle of sav from Barry’s Bottle’O.

“Just this thanks”, she quipped to Kev behind the counter at her local piss store.

“Are you sure that’s all love?” questioned the concerned 56 year-old.

“Yes thank you!!” Webster hissed as she slammed an assortment of coins from her purse onto the counter.

After getting drunk enough to only barely remember paying for her meal, with the sickening $10 corkage fee added on, Webster’s next brick wall was nursing a bone cracking hangover. 

She immediatley tried to flush the demons out with a Berocca in a glass of room-temperature water, knowing perfectly well that she was now a shell of her former self, all thanks to an angrily-purchased bottle of dirt cheap piss.

More to come.

The post Woman Sinks To New Low With $6 Bottle Of Wine Ahead Of $10 Corkage appeared first on The Whakataki Times.