AISLE OF ANGER

Nelson woman Nicole Harris has confirmed she was left “honestly disappointed” this week after her partner failed to match her response to Pak n Save once again rearranging their shopping aisles.

On Sunday afternoon the couple entered the Richmond supermarket to do what Nicole described as “a very straightforward shop”, when they discovered the wraps had been moved away from the bread section “for no real reason at all.”

Nicole reportedly became visibly frustrated by the change, while her partner Matt continued pushing the trolley with what she called a “completely inappropriate level of calm.”

“I just thought he’d at least acknowledge how annoying it was,” said Nicole while unpacking groceries into matching glass containers. “Fair enough if you don’t want to fully rant about it, but he was acting like it was some tiny thing.”

Nicole says the situation worsened after Matt suggested the supermarket may have “had their reasons” for changing the layout.

“That was probably the worst part of it. He started talking about ‘the flow of traffic’ and saying maybe they’d analysed customer behaviour. Since when are we defending Pak n Save?”

Matt confirmed he had noticed the change but did not realise he was expected to emotionally engage with it.

“I just figured they’d moved some stuff around,” he said. “She kept looking at me waiting for something and eventually I realised I was apparently meant to be angry too.”

He later attempted to recover the situation by calling the new layout “bloody confusing,” though Nicole said the comment felt forced and “far too late to feel genuine.”

Relationship expert and Nicole’s friend Emma Thompson says situations like this are common in long-term relationships.

“A lot of women aren’t necessarily looking for solutions,” she explained. “They just want confirmation that the thing was in fact annoying and that they’re not alone in carrying the emotional burden of noticing irritating changes at the supermarket.”

Later today, Matt had reportedly said the new chip location “actually is a bit cooked”, but was apparently not able to convince Nicole that he actually cared that much.

More to come.

The post Local Woman Annoyed That Partner Was Not Also Annoyed By Thing That Annoyed Her appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MUSCLE MEMORY

A Palmerston North man has confirmed that despite not touching a calculator in nearly two decades, his body still instinctively remembers the exact sequence required to spell “BOOBIES” upside down.

The incident occurred Tuesday evening after 34-year-old Ryan Fletcher discovered an old Casio calculator while cleaning out an oversized Sistema container in his garage.

According to Fletcher, the device still had enough battery life to perform what he described as “the only calculation he regularly referred back to.”

“I didn’t even have to think about it,” said Fletcher, holding the calculator like it was an artefact found at some archaeological dig. “I turned it on, typed 5318008, flipped it upside down and just started grinning at it, with no one around me.”

Fletcher said the move felt “completely automatic,” comparing it to riding a bike or backing out of a very familiar driveway.

“You spend all of intermediate trying to get the biggest possible reaction from any and all boys that may be nearby. This knowledge is going to stay in my brain for life.”

He admitted he briefly considered showing his wife before deciding the inevitable eye roll wouldn’t actually be worth the effort. 

Friends who later heard about the discovery were reportedly unsurprised.

“Makes sense that Ryan remembers calculator boobies but forgets literally any important password,” said mate Josh McKenzie. “If civilisation collapsed tomorrow, the rebuild would be very difficult but I think men would still find a way to write boobs on things.”

Fletcher reportedly also attempted to spell other words on his newly discovered Casio, but was never able to out-do the GOAT.

More to come.

The post Local Bloke Finds Old Calculator And Immediately Types “5318008” Like He’s In Intermediate Again appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WINNING WAYS

A Hamilton man has done what many thought was impossible, by not only packing the dishwasher wrong last night, but also putting several items in random cupboards and drawers this morning.  

Ryan McKenzie, 33, was pleased with the result, surprising even himself that he could be this hopeless, as judged by his wife Amy. 

“Yeah look it was always going to be a tough ask to get both things completely incorrect, but I somehow managed it on this occasion. Generally it’s just one or the other, so it’s pleasing to get both wrong at the same time,” he said in his post-match interview. 

“Cheers to the judge officiating as she’s always very involved and keen to make sure the game can flow smoothly,” said McKenzie, as Amy was seen rolling her eyes and leaving the room. 

Our reporters were able to catch up to her just in time to get a brief comment on her husband achieving The Double.

“I don’t understand why it’s so hard to take a bit of extra time and pack the dishwasher properly, so you get the most out of each wash,” said Amy as she relocated a pair of tongs from one kitchen drawer to another. 

“Urgh and why is this here?” she asked as she removed a glass from the coffee mug section of another drawer. 

Ryan meanwhile made an interesting observation following his big win. “Believe it or not, despite me putting the dishes in the dishwasher in the completely wrong order, they still came out spotlessly clean. Incredible isn’t it?”

McKenzie is now apparently on the lookout for other household chores that he can complete to a poor standard.

More to come. 

The post Local Man Gets The Double After Packing Dishwasher Wrong And Putting Dishes Away Wrong appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

A Palmerston North man has once again clarified that his hometown is “actually pretty central to everything, ay,” during a routine conversation that did not require clarification.

Jason Reid, 34, made the comments after a colleague suggested meeting in Wellington.

“People forget Palmy’s right in the middle,” Reid said. “Two hours to Wellington. Couple to Napier. Not far to New Plymouth. It’s basically the hub.”

Reid confirmed he often finds himself explaining the geography.

“Everyone thinks it’s just cows and wind. But it’s strategic. You can get anywhere.”

The Palmerston North local said the city’s centrality is underrated, ignoring his own main point which is essentially it’s a great place to leave to go somewhere else.

“We’re not trying to be flashy like Auckland. We’re just sensible. You want to go somewhere? Sweet as. It’s pretty central.”

A former university flatmate, now based in Auckland, said Reid has been delivering variations of the same speech since 2011.

“He used to draw imaginary maps in the air,” the flatmate recalled. “You’d just nod until he finished.”

Reid maintains the reputation issue is overblown.

“Look, I’m not saying it’s the capital. I’m just saying location wise, we’re hard to beat.”

Reid cut the interview short after having the sudden urge to calculate travel times to three separate cities no one had mentioned.

More to come. 

The post Palmerston North Man Confirms That “Actually Palmy Is Pretty Central To Everything” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PERSONAL REBRAND

A 29 year old Wellington woman has confirmed she is currently in her “ceramic mug era” after purchasing two slightly larger than usual coffee cups from a Cuba Street gift shop.

Sophie Lang told friends the move signalled a deliberate shift in energy.

“I just feel like I’m stepping into something new, you know,” Lang said, holding a matte beige mug with both hands. “Last month was my hydration era. Before that I had my activewear era. I’m just constantly evolving.”

Lang confirmed the ceramic mug era follows what she describes as a short but transformative “reading in bed era”, which involved placing a novel on her bedside table for three nights in a row.

“I think it started with Taylor Swift doing eras,” she explained. “But now it’s more about intention. It’s like I’m always starting a new chapter.”

Friends report Lang has also described a “9pm bedtime era”, a “financial discipline era” and a “saying no to things era”, which will all likely last between four and nine days.

Flatmate Hannah Moore believes the term has replaced the word “phase”, which was once in common use.

“She just means phase but she’s trying to make it sound more significant,” Moore said. “We’d used to go and buy a candle or something and say we were trying something new. Now everything’s a bloody era.”

Some believe the term gained traction when pop stars began dividing careers into themed segments. And apparently now normal people are assigning the same significance to trying green tea for the first time.

Despite acknowledging she may be overusing the word, Lang insists the framing is important.

“When you call it an era it feels powerful. Like history is happening,” she said. 

“Otherwise I’m just buying a mug.”

More to come. 

The post Local Woman Claims To Be In Some Kind Of “Era” When Describing Very Minor Things That She Does appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ENERGY MYSTERY

A Lower Hutt woman has launched a personal investigation this week after once again waking up exhausted despite what she describes as “a pretty chill lifestyle”.

Emma Cartwright, 34, says she is baffled by her constant fatigue, noting that she “doesn’t even do that much”.

“I just don’t get it ay,” said Cartwright, opening her third can of V in as many hours. “I’m not training for anything. I’m not running marathons. I basically sit down all day.”

Cartwright confirmed her daily routine includes driving to work, sitting at a desk, driving home, then sitting on the couch while scrolling on her phone until around midnight.

Diet-wise, Cartwright describes herself as “pretty balanced”, alternating her Uber Eats choices between McDonald’s, KFC and what she calls “healthy options” such as garlic bread.

“I had a Coke Zero instead of normal Coke yesterday,” she said hopefully.

Despite this, Cartwright reports feeling “absolutely wrecked” most afternoons and has begun speculating about underlying causes.

“It could be hormones. It could be stress. It might even be something genetic,” she said. “Mum’s always tired too.”

Flatmate and CrossFit enthusiast Tyler Mason said he had gently suggested that exercise and vegetables might help, but sensed it was not the right time.

“I just said maybe a walk would be good,” Mason said. “She looked at me like I’d suggested moving to Palmerston North.”

Cartwright has now purchased magnesium tablets and a sleep spray from Chemist Warehouse and says she is hopeful they will resolve the issue.

“Once I get my energy back I might start Pilates,” she said. “But obviously I need my energy first.”

Cartwright has confirmed that she is “conserving energy” tonight, by lying down and watching Tiktoks about burnout. 

More to come. 

The post Local Woman Who Does No Exercise And Only Eats Rubbish Asks Why She Feels “Tired All The Time” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

U-TURN

Ben Fraser, 34, from Christchurch, who once achieved the rare and deeply confusing feat of failing his full driver licence practical test says he feels “cheated” by the Government’s newly announced changes to the licensing system. The changes mean people going from their restricted to full license won’t actually have to sit the test at all.

After failing his full licence in 2010 as a teenager, Fraser says today’s announcement has reopened emotional wounds he thought had healed, but very clearly have not.

“Every time I hear the words ‘practical driving test,’ my eye twitches and my mind goes back to when I failed my practical with that douchebag of a driving instructor,” he vented. “And now these kids won’t even have to sit a practical test at all? They just get their full license without doing anything?” 

Under the Government’s proposed changes, drivers will no longer need to sit a second practical test to progress from a restricted to a full licence, a move Transport Minister Chris Bishop says will make the system cheaper and more efficient and cut costs by around $80.

“I earned my damn licence the hard way. Failing once and then having to pay to resit the whole thing again. Now they’re just handing them out like free samples at Pak’nSave? 

“Teenagers just get everything bloody handed to them these days don’t they,” Fraser concluded, explaining that he’s now permanently suspicious of anyone under 25 behind the wheel.

More to come.

The post Local Man Who Somehow Failed His Full Licence Feels Cheated By New Changes appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHERE’S THE ROMANCE?!

In a Whakataki Times investigative series, our reporters are uncovering the harrowing stories behind the male loneliness epidemic. As the first part of that series, our reporters sat down for an exclusive interview with up-and-coming Sales Manager, Patrick Smelton.

Smelton, aged 32, has reached the 52nd day of a painful dry spell with long-time girlfriend, Caroline Prebble.

Speaking from the apartment they share, Smelton revealed the pain he is enduring as a result of his girlfriend’s constant claim that she is “too tired” for sex.

“She keeps telling me that she does enough round the house without having to get me off too, but I dunno what that’s supposed to mean!” Smelton lamented as he gazed out the crystal clear glass of his living room windows, the smell of Windex in the air.

Smelton explained that he and Caroline once shared an active and healthy romantic relationship which, on occasion, got him in trouble.

“I actually used to skip work so we could bang, I ended up on a disciplinary…but those days are gone…”

As Smelton’s voice trailed off, the sound of a tumble dryer whirred in the distance. But the pitiful, peaceful scene of the interview was soon interrupted by the sound of Prebble, interjecting from the island bench.”

“Patrick stop telling people I won’t shag you and come and get your dinner!”

The interview was cut short. But not without time for one final remark from Smelton: “I think we put too much on women these days. What can we do to make them less tired, and leave more room for love?”

More to come.

The post Man Can’t Understand Why Girlfriend Is Too Tired for Sex After Doing His Laundry And Cooking His Meals appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PRESSURE RELEASE

An Upper Hutt dad was spotted roaming his property curiously this weekend after successfully waterblasting his deck and immediately needing something else to do.

35 year old father of two, Matt O’Connor, received a brand new Karcher waterblaster from Mitre 10 for Christmas and has since described the experience as “deeply grounding” and “possibly the best thing he’s done all year”.

Matt started the morning with the tangible goal of waterblasting the deck. This was the deck that had not been cleaned properly since “maybe before the kids were born”, but was brought back to life in just under two hours.

“There’s something about seeing the grime lift off in real time,” Matt said, pausing to admire his work. “You don’t get that kind of feedback at work. Or at home. This just does what it’s supposed to do.”

The deck is scheduled to be stained later in the week in what Matt described as “a tasteful kwila colour”, which he did not mention had been pre-chosen by wife Katie.

With the deck complete, Matt found himself pacing the backyard slowly, waterblaster wand still in hand, scanning the perimeter for his next project.

“You start noticing things,” he said. “That fence is looking a bit tired. Driveway’s got some dark patches. Outdoor table could probably use a hit. I’m not saying it needs it. I’m just saying it wouldn’t hurt.”

Matt says the combination of productive noise, visible results and uninterrupted listening time has been good for his mental health.

“Mostly listening to stuff on evolutionary psychology, which is really intersting,” he said. “Couldn’t tell you much about it right now but it’s all sinking in.”

As the afternoon wore on, Matt could be seen dragging the hose further across the lawn, eyes narrowing at the concrete driveway.

“I’m not saying I’ll do it today,” he said. “But I like knowing it’s an option.”

More to come. 

The post Bored Dad Seen Sniffing Around The Backyard Looking For Things To Waterblast appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COUCH COUNTDOWN

31-year-old Matt Hill, from Nelson, has yet to secure any New Year’s Eve plans.

“I’m just hoping someone’s doing something,” he said. “Maybe a BBQ, maybe a quiet drink somewhere. I don’t know. I’m open to suggestions. It’s just hard to know what everyone’s up to these days.”

Matt’s friends are largely married or burdened with children, which makes spontaneous partying something akin to a mythical creature from his twenties. 

Back then, New Year’s Eve involved ringing in the countdown drunk in Nelson’s night club and the occasional sprint across town to make it to another party before 3am. Now, the most he can hope for is a gathering that officially ends before 7:30pm so his friends’ kids can get to bed.

His optimism spiked briefly when a friend, Damo, mentioned a potential backyard BBQ. “He said he might have a thing,” Matt admitted, eyes lighting up. “But apparently it finishes by 7:30 because, you know, kids. But still, it’s something.

Despite the scaled-back festivities, Matt remains hopeful. “Maybe someone else will text. Maybe there’s a wild idea hiding in a group chat somewhere. You never know,” he said while jealously thinking of his parents in their early 60s who were going to be having drinks at a bar and watching the countdown on Nelson’s Church Cathedral.

When pressed about what he’ll do if nothing materializes, Matt shrugged. “Well, as long as I have some beers in the fridge, I’m sure I’ll find some random A-League or Big Bash cricket game to watch.”

More to come. 

The post NO PLANS YET: Local Bloke Still Pretending He’ll Be Invited Somewhere For New Year’s appeared first on The Whakataki Times.