LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

A Palmerston North man has once again clarified that his hometown is “actually pretty central to everything, ay,” during a routine conversation that did not require clarification.

Jason Reid, 34, made the comments after a colleague suggested meeting in Wellington.

“People forget Palmy’s right in the middle,” Reid said. “Two hours to Wellington. Couple to Napier. Not far to New Plymouth. It’s basically the hub.”

Reid confirmed he often finds himself explaining the geography.

“Everyone thinks it’s just cows and wind. But it’s strategic. You can get anywhere.”

The Palmerston North local said the city’s centrality is underrated, ignoring his own main point which is essentially it’s a great place to leave to go somewhere else.

“We’re not trying to be flashy like Auckland. We’re just sensible. You want to go somewhere? Sweet as. It’s pretty central.”

A former university flatmate, now based in Auckland, said Reid has been delivering variations of the same speech since 2011.

“He used to draw imaginary maps in the air,” the flatmate recalled. “You’d just nod until he finished.”

Reid maintains the reputation issue is overblown.

“Look, I’m not saying it’s the capital. I’m just saying location wise, we’re hard to beat.”

Reid cut the interview short after having the sudden urge to calculate travel times to three separate cities no one had mentioned.

More to come. 

The post Palmerston North Man Confirms That “Actually Palmy Is Pretty Central To Everything” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PERSONAL REBRAND

A 29 year old Wellington woman has confirmed she is currently in her “ceramic mug era” after purchasing two slightly larger than usual coffee cups from a Cuba Street gift shop.

Sophie Lang told friends the move signalled a deliberate shift in energy.

“I just feel like I’m stepping into something new, you know,” Lang said, holding a matte beige mug with both hands. “Last month was my hydration era. Before that I had my activewear era. I’m just constantly evolving.”

Lang confirmed the ceramic mug era follows what she describes as a short but transformative “reading in bed era”, which involved placing a novel on her bedside table for three nights in a row.

“I think it started with Taylor Swift doing eras,” she explained. “But now it’s more about intention. It’s like I’m always starting a new chapter.”

Friends report Lang has also described a “9pm bedtime era”, a “financial discipline era” and a “saying no to things era”, which will all likely last between four and nine days.

Flatmate Hannah Moore believes the term has replaced the word “phase”, which was once in common use.

“She just means phase but she’s trying to make it sound more significant,” Moore said. “We’d used to go and buy a candle or something and say we were trying something new. Now everything’s a bloody era.”

Some believe the term gained traction when pop stars began dividing careers into themed segments. And apparently now normal people are assigning the same significance to trying green tea for the first time.

Despite acknowledging she may be overusing the word, Lang insists the framing is important.

“When you call it an era it feels powerful. Like history is happening,” she said. 

“Otherwise I’m just buying a mug.”

More to come. 

The post Local Woman Claims To Be In Some Kind Of “Era” When Describing Very Minor Things That She Does appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ENERGY MYSTERY

A Lower Hutt woman has launched a personal investigation this week after once again waking up exhausted despite what she describes as “a pretty chill lifestyle”.

Emma Cartwright, 34, says she is baffled by her constant fatigue, noting that she “doesn’t even do that much”.

“I just don’t get it ay,” said Cartwright, opening her third can of V in as many hours. “I’m not training for anything. I’m not running marathons. I basically sit down all day.”

Cartwright confirmed her daily routine includes driving to work, sitting at a desk, driving home, then sitting on the couch while scrolling on her phone until around midnight.

Diet-wise, Cartwright describes herself as “pretty balanced”, alternating her Uber Eats choices between McDonald’s, KFC and what she calls “healthy options” such as garlic bread.

“I had a Coke Zero instead of normal Coke yesterday,” she said hopefully.

Despite this, Cartwright reports feeling “absolutely wrecked” most afternoons and has begun speculating about underlying causes.

“It could be hormones. It could be stress. It might even be something genetic,” she said. “Mum’s always tired too.”

Flatmate and CrossFit enthusiast Tyler Mason said he had gently suggested that exercise and vegetables might help, but sensed it was not the right time.

“I just said maybe a walk would be good,” Mason said. “She looked at me like I’d suggested moving to Palmerston North.”

Cartwright has now purchased magnesium tablets and a sleep spray from Chemist Warehouse and says she is hopeful they will resolve the issue.

“Once I get my energy back I might start Pilates,” she said. “But obviously I need my energy first.”

Cartwright has confirmed that she is “conserving energy” tonight, by lying down and watching Tiktoks about burnout. 

More to come. 

The post Local Woman Who Does No Exercise And Only Eats Rubbish Asks Why She Feels “Tired All The Time” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

U-TURN

Ben Fraser, 34, from Christchurch, who once achieved the rare and deeply confusing feat of failing his full driver licence practical test says he feels “cheated” by the Government’s newly announced changes to the licensing system. The changes mean people going from their restricted to full license won’t actually have to sit the test at all.

After failing his full licence in 2010 as a teenager, Fraser says today’s announcement has reopened emotional wounds he thought had healed, but very clearly have not.

“Every time I hear the words ‘practical driving test,’ my eye twitches and my mind goes back to when I failed my practical with that douchebag of a driving instructor,” he vented. “And now these kids won’t even have to sit a practical test at all? They just get their full license without doing anything?” 

Under the Government’s proposed changes, drivers will no longer need to sit a second practical test to progress from a restricted to a full licence, a move Transport Minister Chris Bishop says will make the system cheaper and more efficient and cut costs by around $80.

“I earned my damn licence the hard way. Failing once and then having to pay to resit the whole thing again. Now they’re just handing them out like free samples at Pak’nSave? 

“Teenagers just get everything bloody handed to them these days don’t they,” Fraser concluded, explaining that he’s now permanently suspicious of anyone under 25 behind the wheel.

More to come.

The post Local Man Who Somehow Failed His Full Licence Feels Cheated By New Changes appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHERE’S THE ROMANCE?!

In a Whakataki Times investigative series, our reporters are uncovering the harrowing stories behind the male loneliness epidemic. As the first part of that series, our reporters sat down for an exclusive interview with up-and-coming Sales Manager, Patrick Smelton.

Smelton, aged 32, has reached the 52nd day of a painful dry spell with long-time girlfriend, Caroline Prebble.

Speaking from the apartment they share, Smelton revealed the pain he is enduring as a result of his girlfriend’s constant claim that she is “too tired” for sex.

“She keeps telling me that she does enough round the house without having to get me off too, but I dunno what that’s supposed to mean!” Smelton lamented as he gazed out the crystal clear glass of his living room windows, the smell of Windex in the air.

Smelton explained that he and Caroline once shared an active and healthy romantic relationship which, on occasion, got him in trouble.

“I actually used to skip work so we could bang, I ended up on a disciplinary…but those days are gone…”

As Smelton’s voice trailed off, the sound of a tumble dryer whirred in the distance. But the pitiful, peaceful scene of the interview was soon interrupted by the sound of Prebble, interjecting from the island bench.”

“Patrick stop telling people I won’t shag you and come and get your dinner!”

The interview was cut short. But not without time for one final remark from Smelton: “I think we put too much on women these days. What can we do to make them less tired, and leave more room for love?”

More to come.

The post Man Can’t Understand Why Girlfriend Is Too Tired for Sex After Doing His Laundry And Cooking His Meals appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PRESSURE RELEASE

An Upper Hutt dad was spotted roaming his property curiously this weekend after successfully waterblasting his deck and immediately needing something else to do.

35 year old father of two, Matt O’Connor, received a brand new Karcher waterblaster from Mitre 10 for Christmas and has since described the experience as “deeply grounding” and “possibly the best thing he’s done all year”.

Matt started the morning with the tangible goal of waterblasting the deck. This was the deck that had not been cleaned properly since “maybe before the kids were born”, but was brought back to life in just under two hours.

“There’s something about seeing the grime lift off in real time,” Matt said, pausing to admire his work. “You don’t get that kind of feedback at work. Or at home. This just does what it’s supposed to do.”

The deck is scheduled to be stained later in the week in what Matt described as “a tasteful kwila colour”, which he did not mention had been pre-chosen by wife Katie.

With the deck complete, Matt found himself pacing the backyard slowly, waterblaster wand still in hand, scanning the perimeter for his next project.

“You start noticing things,” he said. “That fence is looking a bit tired. Driveway’s got some dark patches. Outdoor table could probably use a hit. I’m not saying it needs it. I’m just saying it wouldn’t hurt.”

Matt says the combination of productive noise, visible results and uninterrupted listening time has been good for his mental health.

“Mostly listening to stuff on evolutionary psychology, which is really intersting,” he said. “Couldn’t tell you much about it right now but it’s all sinking in.”

As the afternoon wore on, Matt could be seen dragging the hose further across the lawn, eyes narrowing at the concrete driveway.

“I’m not saying I’ll do it today,” he said. “But I like knowing it’s an option.”

More to come. 

The post Bored Dad Seen Sniffing Around The Backyard Looking For Things To Waterblast appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COUCH COUNTDOWN

31-year-old Matt Hill, from Nelson, has yet to secure any New Year’s Eve plans.

“I’m just hoping someone’s doing something,” he said. “Maybe a BBQ, maybe a quiet drink somewhere. I don’t know. I’m open to suggestions. It’s just hard to know what everyone’s up to these days.”

Matt’s friends are largely married or burdened with children, which makes spontaneous partying something akin to a mythical creature from his twenties. 

Back then, New Year’s Eve involved ringing in the countdown drunk in Nelson’s night club and the occasional sprint across town to make it to another party before 3am. Now, the most he can hope for is a gathering that officially ends before 7:30pm so his friends’ kids can get to bed.

His optimism spiked briefly when a friend, Damo, mentioned a potential backyard BBQ. “He said he might have a thing,” Matt admitted, eyes lighting up. “But apparently it finishes by 7:30 because, you know, kids. But still, it’s something.

Despite the scaled-back festivities, Matt remains hopeful. “Maybe someone else will text. Maybe there’s a wild idea hiding in a group chat somewhere. You never know,” he said while jealously thinking of his parents in their early 60s who were going to be having drinks at a bar and watching the countdown on Nelson’s Church Cathedral.

When pressed about what he’ll do if nothing materializes, Matt shrugged. “Well, as long as I have some beers in the fridge, I’m sure I’ll find some random A-League or Big Bash cricket game to watch.”

More to come. 

The post NO PLANS YET: Local Bloke Still Pretending He’ll Be Invited Somewhere For New Year’s appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALARM BELLS

A Wellington woman has begun quietly reassessing a promising new social connection after noticing that the first text message she sent to her had been turned green.

Thirty five year old marketing advisor Rachel Moore had been feeling upbeat after meeting someone new at a friend’s birthday drinks over the weekend. She exchanged numbers with “Sarah” after a free flowing conversation and walked home thinking she might have finally made a new adult friend, which is no mean feat at her age.

She remained upbeat until she sent the first follow up text the next morning.

“I messaged saying ‘Great to meet you last night!’ and when it sent as green, my stomach dropped,” she said. “I didn’t even read the reply. I just stared at the colour.”

Rachel is a committed Apple user. She upgrades her iPhone regularly and is currently paying off her latest handset in neat monthly instalments.

“I’ve always been a blue bubble person,” she said. “Blue bubbles say something about you. Green bubbles also say something, and I don’t like what they say.”

The green message immediately raised questions.

“At first I thought something was wrong with my phone,” Rachel explained. “I checked my settings. Restarted it. Turned iMessage off and on. Then it clicked that it wasn’t me. It was her.”

Rachel says the issue is not about Android phones as such, but about the way the interaction suddenly felt different.

“No read receipts. No typing dots. No reactions. Just messages appearing when they appear,” she said. “It felt distant. Like sending a fax.”

She admits she began to question the friendship almost instantly.

“I thought, if this is how our communication starts, what else are we misaligned on? Are they anti Apple? Do they not care about convenience? Are they okay with this chaos?”

Her flatmate Jess said the moment was dramatic.

“She came into the kitchen and said ‘My texts are green’ like she’d been betrayed,” Jess said. “Then she sat down and went quiet.”

Despite acknowledging that the hang up is irrational, Rachel says she can’t shake the feeling.

“I’m sure she’s a nice person,” she said. “But I can’t stop thinking about that green bubble.”

Rachel has not replied again yet, saying she needs time to “process the situation”.

“It’s not personal,” she said. “It’s just hard to build a friendship with someone who forcibly changes the colour of all my messages.”

More to come. 

The post iPhone User Rethinking New Acquaintance After First Text Message Was Turned Green appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BIG SHIFT AHEAD

Flynn Johnson, 31, from Christchurch has boldly announced that 2025 will be the year he finally completes an entire Swappa Crate of 12 Speight’s, a task he has attempted annually and failed each time so far.

Surrounded by mates who have witnessed more of his failures than successes, Flynn made the declaration on Saturday afternoon while carefully rearranging the bottles in his crate.

“This is my year, boys,” he said, tapping the top of the crate like an All Black captain briefing the team. “New mindset. New me. No more tapping out after bottle eight because I ‘need fresh air’”.

The group nodded politely, having heard a variation of this speech every summer since 2011.

“Last year he got to seven beers and said his throat was ‘closing up’,” recalled long-time friend Matt Lawson. “Most likely he scoffed a pie too quickly. But we all had to sit outside with him for an hour while he breathed through his nose like he was giving birth.”

Another mate, Aaron McLeod, was less optimistic. 

“Flynn’s the only bloke I know who pre-plans an Irish exit from his own crate day,” he said. “He’ll be halfway through number five before he gives it the whole ‘I might lie down for a bit to recharge’. Then we find him asleep under a towel.”

At the time of press Flynn was looking weary and slurring his words on bottle number four.

More to come.

The post Bloke Who Has Never Once Finished His Crate Says This Is “His Year” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

EMPTY HANDED

Ben Lovell, 29, arrived at a mate’s party on Friday night carrying nothing but a half-finished energy drink, one he’d already cracked open as he drove to the house where he planned to leave his car.

Despite showing up empty-handed, Lovell loudly declared he was “keen as to go out later”, confusing guests who noted he would be relying almost entirely on the kindness or inattentiveness of others to get there in the form of a few alcoholic drinks

Lovell wasted little time drifting towards the chilly bin, adopting the classic technique of pretending to “check what’s in here” before quietly grabbing a beer that was very much not his.

“He did that thing where he says ‘Whose is this?’ while already opening it,” said one partygoer. “By the time anyone could answer, he was halfway through it.”

As the night went on, Lovell reportedly cycled through brands he definitely didn’t bring: a Pals here, a cheap lager there, even a craft pale ale he described as “a bit fancy, but yeah nah sweet”.

“Nah I was going grab a box on the way here, but like… it looked busy in there and didn’t want to turn up late here or anything,” Lovell explained, despite being one of the first guests to arrive.

Friends noted that Lovell made no attempt to replace what he’d taken, though he did offer a sip of his warm, nearly empty energy drink “if anyone’s keen”.

At press time, Lovell was seen asking if anyone wanted to split an Uber into town, despite having contributed exactly zero dollars and even fewer beverages to the evening.

More to come.

The post Bloke Who Failed To Bring Beers To Party Now Taking Generous Helpings Of Everyone Else’s appeared first on The Whakataki Times.