STATUS SHIFT

For years, the football world operated under the assumption that Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo were the gravitational centre of attention, pulling the lions’ share of headlines into their orbit.

That theory was challenged this week after both icons were seen quietly circulating a World Cup promo event that was described as “clear proximity-seeking behaviour” around New Zealand defender Tim Payne..

Payne, whose social media following has exploded thanks to an Argentine influencer’s campaign, arrived at a World Cup event to find the two football legends seemingly waiting nearby.

Witnesses say Ronaldo repeatedly positioned himself in the background of photos Payne was taking with fans.

Messi reportedly employed a more subtle strategy, standing close enough to Payne that followers scrolling Instagram might spot him.

Speaking to reporters, Ronaldo denied he was chasing clout.

“Look, Tim is obviously having a moment,” he explained.

“I’m not saying I’d like a collaboration or maybe a tagged post, but if he wanted to do something together I’d certainly be open to discussing it.”

Messi also played down suggestions he was trying to ride Payne’s wave of popularity.

“I’ve achieved a few things in football,” he said.

“But when somebody has over three million followers appear overnight, you pay attention. That’s the sort of growth people dream about.” said the eight-time Ballon d’Or winner.

For his part, Payne, in classic kiwi fashion saw the two megastars, turned to a team mate and said “do you see who that is?” but was then too shy to approach either of them. 

More to come.

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NO PAYNE NO GAIN

After accidentally becoming the most famous footballer in the country and possibly world overnight, All Whites defender Tim Payne is reportedly now under “crippling international pressure” to continue posting Instagram content despite previously only using the app to upload the odd photo of him playing for the Wellington Phoenix and All Whites.

Payne has exploded from 4,700 followers to over one million in just 48 hours after Argentine influencer El Scarso launched a campaign encouraging football fans to make Payne the “hero” of the FIFA World Cup due to him having the smallest social media following at the tournament.

Payne’s account has now allegedly spiralled into a non-stop content production nightmare.

“People are expecting daily Instagram stories and reels. But gee, I’ve never posted an Insta story and only posted the odd pic of me playing for the Phoenix,” Payne explained, as 50,000 more followers instantly rolled in.

The fullback now has the biggest social media following of any New Zealand football-related account, dwarfing even All Whites captain Chris Wood, who has a comparatively humiliating 162,000 followers.

Meanwhile, the official All Whites, Wellington Phoenix, and Auckland FC accounts are reportedly considering posting thirst traps to stay relevant.

Payne is now apparently frantically filming “a day in the life of Tim Payne” to keep his followers interested and many wannabe influencers and creators are absolutely spewing at his sudden stardom.

More to come

The post Tim Payne Now Feeling Immense Global Pressure To Post More Content appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY

The age-old debate over which city reigns supreme was once again put to bed on Saturday night, as Auckland FC ruthlessly dismantled the Wellington Phoenix 6-1 at Go Media Stadium. 

As thousands of Aucklanders left the stadium in high spirits with their team still leading the A-League, Wellingtonians sat at home, battling their second power cut of the week, refreshing Metlink to see if trains were still running (they weren’t), and trying to convince themselves that their city is still “quirky” rather than completely dysfunctional.

Our reporters spoke to some Phoenix fans who were not only angry at their professional football team, but the state of their own city in general.

“Obviously it’s disappointing,” said one dejected Phoenix fan. “But at least Wellington has culture. Auckland just has… money and nice beaches and good restaurants and better job opportunities and more concerts and…” he trailed off before quietly admitting, “God, we are so screwed here!”

Auckland FC fans showed no mercy.

“They say Wellington is the coolest little capital in the world,” said Auckland FC supporter Chris O’Leary. “Yeah, well, it’s also the windiest little capital in the world. And the most dysfunctional little capital in the world. And the most ‘Oh no, the road is leaking again’ little capital in the world.”

“This match wasn’t just about football—it was a glimpse into the future. Auckland is growing, thriving. Wellington? Well, the most exciting development in that city is the council has started fixing the pipes,” chirped another fan, walking with swagger off into the distance with The Port supporters, happy his own city is thriving as well as his football team is.

More to come. 

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The post REPORT: Auckland Better Than Wellington Not Just In Football But In General appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BACK DOWN TO EARTH

In what can only be described as a humbling afternoon at Go Media Stadium, Auckland FC’s unbeaten run of seven games came to an abrupt and spectacular end.

Western United FC strolled into Auckland and left with a 4-0 victory, much to the dismay of the previously untouchable Aucklanders —and to the barely-contained glee of diehard Wellington Phoenix fan Mick Wilks.

“Seven games unbeaten, top of the league, prancing around like they’re Real Madrid. Well, reality’s finally checked in, and it’s wearing a Western United jersey.”

While most Auckland FC fans were left stunned and searching for answers after conceding four goals in a performance best described as “generally forgettable,” Mick was quick to offer his unsolicited analysis. 

“The problem with Auckland FC,” he opined from his usual corner at Wellington’s Backbencher pub, “is they’ve never known adversity. It’s all been sunshine and rainbows for them. Well, the Phoenix are forged in adversity. That’s why we’re better. We may not win that many, but at least we know what it’s like to lose with dignity.”

The Yellow Fever fan forums were too busy celebrating the 4-0 loss, while Auckland FC’s fan base The Port, were uncontactable for comment.

More to come. 

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BAD FOR THE GAME

The referees that officiate A-League football matches were hauled into an impromptu meeting this morning, after the newly-established New Zealand club, Auckland FC won their sixth match of the season – which is all of their matches. 

Football Australia Chairman Anter Isaac took a deep breath before explaining what a successful New Zealand club could potentially do to his legacy. 

“Look, it’s great to see a new club doing well. Great to see more support for the game in New Zealand. The Phoenix have been fantastic for the A-League in all their years playing,” he said positively. 

“But six wins in a row for a new club is ridiculous, okay? This is the A-League! Nobody wants to see a bloody New Zealand team win it.

“It’s bad for the game, and more importantly, it’s bad for the advertisers.”

While not explicitly telling his referees to start calling more fouls against Auckland and giving the Aussie teams a little helping hand, the Chairman did remind them where their pay cheques come from. 

“But anyway, just telling you how things are from management’s perspective. And in unrelated news, your pay reviews are coming up in four months’ time, and there could be a few pleasant surprises for those of you who are performing well,” said Isaac casually. 

Auckland FC declined an interview, but in a statement said they were happy with the refereeing so far. 

More to come. 

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THE AUCKLAND WAY

As Auckland FC continue their dream run in their first season of the A-League, Chairman Bill Foley is preparing for the absolute worst and most likely scenario.

Foley, who co-owns the club with Anna Mowbray and Ali Williams, says based on the general character of the average Aucklander, about three quarters of the club’s fans will vanish into thin air when they experience their first loss.

“Aucklanders are a cold-hearted bunch, very prone to losing interest in a sports team if they stop winning,” he said sagely.

“You only need to remember back to the New Zealand Knights or the Football Kingz to see what happens to Auckland football teams once they lose the plot.

“Any fan of a newly established Auckland franchise has a high chance of evaporation.”

The businessman, who also owns part of English club AFC Bournemouth, even pointed to the fluctuation in interest in the Auckland-based Blues Super Rugby team.

“Even the Blues can’t afford to be too shit, and they play New Zealand’s national sport! And I’m not sure how the Warriors have kept people coming to their games during the bad old days”

When asked about what the Wellington Phoenix was doing right as far as keeping fans interested, Foley looked at the situation from a practical angle. 

“Auckland is New Zealand’s only major city and it has plenty to offer, lots of choices for people about how they spend their time. In contrast, when you live in a city as boring as Wellington, even a losing Phoenix team can seem exciting. 

At this stage the co-owner is doing all he can to keep the team’s winning streak going. 

“Just need to get the total fan base up to a really solid number before 75% of them spontaneously combust.”

More to come. 

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ECONOMIC OUTLOOK IS GOOD

With all the economic doom and gloom in New Zealand and the world right now, there is one part of society that is bucking the trend – New Zealand sports clubs. 

With Wellington beer pint prices in trendy pubs and clubs ranging from $11 to $17 generally, sports clubrooms around the country are taking an axe to inflation, with drink prices remaining in the single digits. 

Jack Brand from Wellington’s Northern United football club said that the club is doing all it can to thwart the Reserve Bank. 

“They’ll tell you they did what they needed to do during the pandemic, but all they’ve done is kick the can down the road,” he said. 

“We’re here to kick the can straight back, into the back of the net. Top bins,” said Brand using a striker’s football analogy. 

Brand explained how his social football club, which always runs at a loss, is doing something to defeat inflation on a national scale. 

“Hey, if people drink more at clubrooms across the country, and not drinking in ridiculous bars as much, it’ll force their hands to bring prices down,” he said knowingly while tapping his forehead. 

“People power in action”.

Brand sat back contentedly, surrounded by a few team mates on this particular day, pointing out some of the decorations in his club’s clubrooms. 

“Look, the atmosphere is different and the last time this place was redecorated was the late nineties,” he admitted. 

“But tough times call for extreme measures and hard times create strong men.”

Brand would not comment further on Northern United’s financial position. 

More to come. 

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