SO CLOSE!

Sources at Te Pāti Māori are optimistic about the party’s future, despite ongoing troubles with so-called “rogue MPs”.

This week the leadership expelled Mariameno Kapa-Kingi and Tākuta Ferris, apparently for criticising the direction the party was going in.

But unity could be just round the corner according to sources close to TPM, with one unnamed advisor saying they’re just “one viral parliament haka away from party unity”.

“This is what cuts through all the noise. Forget all the chatter about MPs openly defying their leadership. All we need is one more haka,” said the person who spoke to reporters anonymously.

“A lot of people seem to think the party needs a ‘reset’, whatever that means. In reality we need to separate the signal from the noise. What people really want and need is more haka.”

The insider claimed that Te Pāti Māori’s communication strategy is “simple and effective” and maximises the cultural capital they uniquely hold.

“Some parties spend their time drafting policy and debating bills,” they said. “We prefer to make our point in ways that subvert the colonial constructs that take up space in Wellington.”

Asked if the public might be growing tired of dramatic gestures, the insider laughed. “Tired? No, you’ve been listening to too much racist mainstream media. People love how dynamic and subversive we are. You think anyone’s replaying select committee debates on TikTok? Of course not. But a haka? Now that’s engagement.”

While some may question how another parliament haka will fix the deep divisions within Te Pāti Māori, others would say they’d be silly not to play to their strengths. 

More to come. 

The post Te Pāti Māori Insiders Convinced One More Parliament Haka Will Get Them Back On Track appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

INNOVATORS

After ripping one proposed bill in half amid a haka inside Parliament, then burning a second piece of legislation in a bucket on the forecourt, Te Pāti Māori are now searching for new and innovative ways to destroy paper.

The party’s edgy disruptor tactics have become so frequent that they’re running short on classic methods of document disposal. Sources say members have been brainstorming new options like paper shredders, ritual dunkings in the harbour, and confetti cannons filled with torn-up members’ bills.

“We’re all about maximising impact and minimising actual attendance in the House,” said one staffer, describing the party’s new approach to political efficiency. “It’s about being bold, disruptive, and home in time for lunch.”

Co-leader Debbie Ngārewa-Packer defended the party’s flair for drama. “We are dismantling the system,” she explained, referring to both the legislation and the growing pile of shredded paperwork accumulating in their office. “Paper represents bureaucracy. Bureaucracy represents oppression. Ergo, the paper must go.”

Critics, however, say it’s all getting a bit much. “At this rate they’ll need a recycling budget,” said one MP. “Next week they’ll be feeding Select Committee reports through a wood chipper.”

Parliament staff have reportedly grown weary of sweeping up soggy ashes and scattered debris after each performance, and the Speaker Gerry Brownlee has even threatened to do something about it. 

With several more government bills scheduled for introduction this month, Te Pāti Māori have hinted that the best is yet to come. “We’ve still got plenty of ideas,” said a grinning Rawiri Waititi. 

More to come.

The post Te Pāti Māori On The Lookout For New Ways To Destroy Pieces Of Paper They Don’t Like appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WARDROBE WOES

The Green Party has been thrown into sudden disarray this week after reports of peace in the Middle East left members scrambling to find a new team uniform.

For the past two years, Green Party co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick has dutifully taken responsibility for washing the team’s iconic keffiyehs, the black-and-white scarves long regarded as both a fashion statement and a political position.

But with peace breaking out overseas, the party’s go-to outfit has officially been deemed “out of season,” leaving MPs looking “disturbingly uncoordinated,” according to party insiders.

“I mean far out, how are we supposed to be taken seriously or for something important, when we’re not sharply dressed as Palestinians?” Swarbrick asked earnestly, folding one of the freshly laundered scarves for what may be the final time.

While it may be a bit of a wardrobe dilemma for Swarbrick and her team, she was also quietly relieved to potentially part ways with her team’s laundry duties. 

“Between committee meetings, media interviews, the marches and protests, finding time to soak everyone’s scarves in eco-friendly detergent was starting to take its toll! Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad there’s peace in the Middle East, but we looked so good in them!”

When asked what the Greens might wear next, Swarbrick said the party was exploring several ethically conscious options.

“We’re looking into hemp ponchos, they’re breathable, biodegradable, and make you look like you’ve just finished a silent retreat in Golden Bay. But hey, we could dye our hair blue and yellow- there’s still stuff going on in Ukraine, isn’t there?”

More to come.

The post Swarbrick And The Greens In Need Of New Team Kit Now That There’s Peace In The Middle East appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CLOSE CALL

Green Party co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick has reportedly breathed a deep sigh of relief this week knowing that the latest political spectacle did not directly involve one of her MPs.

The drama began when Winston Peters’ address was posted online for a Palestine protest and a crowbar was later used to smash one of his windows. The Greens naturally feared the worst, given their track record of MP resignations, controversies and crimes. 

But insiders say Swarbrick was quietly relieved to learn that the culprit was actually not from her caucus.

“She muttered something like ‘oh phew it wasn’t one of us’,” said a party staffer.

Actor Acacia O’Connor was the person who shared Peters’ address online, to get people to come to the protest. But although she stood alongside Swarbrick at one press conference, the party is thankful there are no calls for more Green MPs to resign or be sacked. 

“We were all kind of glancing around, like we had dodged a bullet,” said one Greens staffer. “I had already got the list out again to see who would be next into parliament.”

That relief is understandable. The Greens have endured a string of embarrassing exits including Golriz Ghahraman, Darleen Tana and Benjamin Doyle. 

Swarbrick is said to have quietly thanked both Allah and Papatuanuku for her blessings, before reminding her remaining MPs that “we’re here to do politics, not damage windows.”

Winston Peters is dining out on the free publicity of course, and using his gift effectively to pummel both the Greens and their woke ideology in parliament. Meanwhile, Swarbrick is enjoying a rare moment of calm, sipping coffee and patting herself on the back for keeping her MPs in check.

“She deserves a break,” a staffer said. “Although historically the Greens are the party of shoplifting, migrant exploitation and disturbing instagram accounts, we are not the party of violence.”

More to come.

The post Swarbrick Relieved It Wasn’t One Of Her MPs Doxxing Winston Or Smashing His Windows appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DETENTION

There were dramatic scenes at Parliament today after Green Party co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick was told to pack up her desk and work outside for the rest of the week.

The incident began when Swarbrick, clearly bored with whatever was on the board, interrupted to accuse Government MPs of being “spineless.” This prompted Speaker Gerry Brownlee to sigh deeply, remove his glasses, and tell her to apologise.

She didn’t.

Witnesses say Brownlee, already worn down by years of disruptions, had reached his limit. “Right, that’s it. Desk outside. Now,” he was heard saying in the tone of a Year 10 maths teacher who had already had to break up three fights this morning.

Swarbrick dragged her desk to the top of the Parliament steps, muttering about human rights and refusing to make eye contact. Once outside, she immediately resumed her speech on Israel, despite there being no one to hear it except a confused tour group and a couple of pigeons.

“There’s always one kid in the class who thinks she’s making some kind of a stand,” said one Government MP, who likened the episode to a kid turning their chair backwards to “make a point.” “She’ll grow out of it.”

Brownlee told reporters that Swarbrick could rejoin her peers if she apologised for her comments. “But we all know that’s not happening,” he added, glancing at the clock like a teacher counting down the minutes until the bell.

Inside the debating chamber, the mood quickly returned to normal. Outside, Swarbrick sat at her desk, scribbling notes and occasionally shouting her views toward the closed doors, believing there were people listening.

With the country in the middle of a cold snap, the MP has been advised to wrap up warm with one or two extra keffiyehs. 

More to come.

The post Chlöe Made To Drag Her Desk Outside And Stop Disrupting The Class appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SILVER LININGS 

Green Party co-leader Chloe Swarbrick will still have a busy week ahead despite being kicked out of Parliament for the remainder of it.

Swarbrick was ejected from the House of Representatives and barred for the week after a fiery speech about the war in Gaza this afternoon. The Speaker Gerry Brownlee said she was out of line when she said she needed just six of 68 “Government MPs with a spine” for the country to “stand on the right side of history”. 

Swarbrick refused to apologise and Brownlee told her to leave the House, to which she replied “Happily”.

But in a surprising twist, the Green Party firebrand seemed almost relieved by her sudden parliamentary exile for the rest of the week.

Swarbrick spoke to our reporters.

“Honestly, it’s now going to be a good chance to catch up on things over the next few days as I’ve been putting off washing the damn team kit again,” she told our reporters with a wry smile.

“I absolutely copped it at the last fine session, so it’ll be good for me to actually be on top of the important things. Those keffiyehs are already piling up in my laundry,” Swarbrick said without shouting at our reporters.

Naturally, co-leader Marama Davidson actually welcomed Swarbrick being absent for the rest of the week. “Chlöe’s been so busy fighting in the House, she’s barely had time to lift a finger at home. This week, she finally gets to put her passion into something tangible- a clean kit!”

When pressed on whether she will miss being in the Beehive, Swarbrick was resolute.

“No meetings, no more fiery speeches, just some calm washing, drying, and maybe even folding them properly for the team too.” 

More to come. 

The post Swarbrick Kicked Out Of Parliament For The Week Now Has No Excuse For Not Washing Team Kit appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SAVIOUR TO SINNER 

Genevieve Bailey is in a state of medium to severe emotional distress after accidentally sipping her organic banana-nutmeg oat milkshake through a plastic straw on Cuba Street this morning.

The 25-year-old Aro Valley woman initially assumed it was some new compostable invention made from recycled kombucha scobies, but upon closer inspection, the horror set in.

“It had a shine to it. A gloss. I knew immediately this was petroleum-based. I’d been oil-sipping in public,” she told our reporters as she attempted to discreetly discard the plastic straw.

“I just kept saying, ‘I’m one of the good ones. I compost! I don’t own a car! I only buy clothes from Instagram vintage pages and Recycle Boutique’.”

Close friend Ruby Shepherd, who was sitting with Bailey at the time, said she knew something was wrong when Genevieve went completely silent mid-rant about the microplastics in mascara.

“She just froze. Stared at the straw like it had personally funded deep sea drilling. Then she whispered, ‘I used plastic… in Wellington… on a weekday and inside a cafe on Cuba Street,’” said Shepherd. “It was haunting.”

Bailey says she doesn’t blame the café, only herself.

“I should’ve known. I should’ve tested it first. Bent it, sniffed it, held it up to the light like we do at the sustainability co-op,” she said. “You just don’t think these things can happen to you. But they can. They do.”

More to come. 

Big fan of the Whakataki? You can also follow us on Insta.

The post Wellington Eco-Activist Enters Spiral Of Self-Doubt After Accidentally Using Plastic Straw appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BALANCED REPORTING

Radio New Zealand presenter Corin Dann is in recovery mode today, after a heated exchange with New Zealand First leader Winston Peters. 

The interview made headlines as Peters expressed his desire to cut funding to Radio New Zealand, calling it “an abuse to the taxpayer” for its “woke leftist ideology”. 

Dann was called “a disgrace to the mainstream media” and accused of being biased towards left wing political parties.  

As a way to bounce back from mean old Winston Peters, Dann has now booked in three interviews for the next three weeks with none other than the leader of the Greens, lovely Chloe Swarbrick. 

“This will be good I think. A good way to just reset and get back on an even keel,” said Dann, still shaken from being told he’s a waste of taxpayer’s money.

“I just need a few nice chats with Chloe, where we can nod along together and agree on things. That’s what the listeners want, pleasant conversations.” 

Dann says he will need a bit of time before he interviews Winston again, and a few strong cups of tea with Chloe. 

“Look, Winston’s always going to be Winston, but honestly, I think he’s getting worse in his old age,” said Dann, shaking his head. 

“Imagine thinking that letting men into women’s bathrooms was a bad idea!” he laughed. 

Peters meanwhile took some time out of his social media drafting session to say this to the Whakataki Times:

“Whaka what? What a load of bulldust! If you woke lunatics in the mainstream media could do your jobs properly for once in your lives, then you’d already know my view on this. 

“Heard of social media? I’ll say it again. Corin Dann is an arrogant, wokester loser.

“Have a great day.”

More to come. 

The post Corin Dann Books In Three Nice Chlöe Interviews To Make Up For That Mean Winston One appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO RUSH

Green Party MP Tamatha Paul is demonstrating her commitment to restorative justice after her e-bike was stolen from outside her Aro Valley flat. Rather than involving the police, Paul has started a “Feelings First” campaign, encouraging the thief to return the bike when they feel emotionally prepared.

“I understand that traditional punishments can be harmful,” Paul stated. “I want the person who took my bike to know that I see them, I hear them, and I validate their journey. When they’re ready, they can bring the bike back—no questions asked.”

To facilitate the bike’s return, Paul has set up a “Safe Drop-Off Space” in front of her Wellington home, complete with calming music and herbal teas. She has also left a note that reads: “Dear Bike Borrower, I hope you’re finding what you’re looking for. When you’re ready to return the bike, please know that you are welcome here. With compassion, Tamatha.”

Local residents have expressed mixed reactions. Neighbour and avid cyclist Dave Thompson commented, “It’s a nice sentiment, but I’m not sure it’ll get her bike back. Maybe a lock would have been a good idea.”

Meanwhile, Wellington Police have reported a 15% increase in bike thefts over the past month. When asked about Paul’s approach, a spokesperson diplomatically responded, “We support all community initiatives that aim to address crime in a constructive manner.

“Please don’t take our funding away.”

As of now, Paul’s e-bike is still missing. However, she remains hopeful, stating, “Healing takes time. I’m confident that when the individual is ready, they’ll do the right thing.” 

More to come. 

The post Tamatha Paul Has Bike Stolen, Asks Thief To Return It When They Feel Emotionally Ready appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHO’S NEXT ON THE LIST?

Greens co-leader Chloe Swarbrick has been hit with the sudden realisation that the only reason Benjamin Doyle is in parliament in the first place is because two of her other MPs were forced to resign for breaking the law. 

She spent this week trying to somehow defend Doyle’s deeply disturbed social media posts, basically saying that it’s just a rainbow thing, which has of course caused secondary outrage, this time at her. 

“Oh hang on a minute,” she said to reporters this morning as she had a sudden moment of clarity. 

“We lost two MPs in a single calendar year last year. First Golriz went, and she was replaced by Celia Wade Brown. And then Darleen went and she was replaced by old Bussy Boy.

“Far out it’s a shame that the New Zealand public doesn’t really tolerate MPs that commit crimes like shoplifting and migrant exploitation,” she laughed, not mentioning that they don’t really tolerate whatever the hell Doyle’s getting up to either.  

It stands to reason that even if the Greens had only lost one MP this term, then they would just have Celia Wade Brown, who’s a harmless older lady who used to be the mayor of Wellington. 

“Imagine that! We could’ve had Celia in parliament along with one of the criminals. Preferably Golriz. Could have avoided bringing Doyle in all together!

“You know when you shove someone that far down the list you never really think you’re actually going to end up having them in parliament. Just real bad luck about all the crime huh?” she said earnestly. 

“Oh shit I better check who’s next on the list I guess…”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by NZHL’s most switched on mortgage advisors. Take back control of your current mortgage or get advice on how to get your first home loan.

The post Chlöe Confronts Reality That If Golriz And Darleen Had Obeyed The Law Then She Wouldn’t Be Stuck With Old Bussy Boy appeared first on The Whakataki Times.