FEED FAVOURITE

Auckland company exec Doug Sinclair has generated a fair bit of buzz for his Instagram skills and his eye for talent. 

Sources have told our reporters that every time Instagram suggests a good-looking female influencer, Doug’s name seems to appear in the “followed by” section. 

“It’s beyond uncanny,” says one colleague of Doug’s. “He spends his days managing a modest team of 15 in central Auckland, but the second a model, dancer, cheerleader or fitness influencer posts anything, Doug’s there first, liking the post and almost always dropping a fire emoji in the comments.”

The irony is Doug hasn’t had any experience in modelling, dancing, cheerleading or fitness. He just has a comprehensive portfolio of experts from those arenas in his Instagram..

Doug’s personal Instagram feed mainly features photos of his wife, three kids and golf courses around New Zealand. He has also posted pictures of classic cars and scenic vistas, often with a beverage in the foreground.

Despite the online activity where he seems to attempt to connect with women half his age, coworkers say Sinclair keeps a fairly conventional offline presence.

“He’s still very much ‘dad at Bunnings on a Saturday,’” one colleague said. “Golf, family photos, the occasional sunset with a beer in the foreground. Then you check his likes and it’s like a completely different personality has taken over.

“I assume Doug’s wife hasn’t seen his Instagram activity?”

Doug was unavailable for comment.

More to come.

The post 52-Year-Old Middle Manager Struggling to Explain Instagram Feed Full of Influencers Half His Age appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RIEKO’S RIDDLE

Crusaders fan Jake Hines, 28, says he’s “pretty sure the boys will get it done at home,” but admits he’s deeply unsettled by the prospect of what Rieko Ioane might post on Instagram should the Blues knock the defending champs out of the semi-finals.

“Look, I back our culture, I back our 30-0 home record in playoff matches at home” he said, dressed in a Crusaders jersey.

“But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified of seeing another one of Rieko’s Joker posts with cryptic captions if we somehow lose to them.”

Ioane has developed a reputation online for playing the villain, which kicked off last year when he launched a subtle but pointed Instagram spat aimed at Irish great Johnny Sexton, not long after the launch of Sexton’s autobiography.

Since then, Ioane has taken to the platform regularly to stir the pot — particularly during the Blues’ late-season resurgence. After last weekend’s upset win over the Chiefs in Hamilton, Ioane posted an Instagram story reading:

“Should’ve killed me when you had the chance. 2 to get.”, followed by a joker emoji.

When Jake was asked if he would take a narrow, scrappy win just to avoid the risk of Ioane’s post-match monologue, Hines answered instantly:

 “Yes. 6–3. A penalty in the 78th minute. I don’t care if it rains sideways the whole game. Just enough to keep Rieko quiet for 48 hours. That’s all I ask.”

More to come. 

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STRATEGIC PLAN

Christopher Luxon has announced a bold new initiative to “drive positive online outcomes” by banning under-16s from social media.

Speaking in what appeared to be fluent LinkedIn, Luxon told reporters the policy would “unlock safety synergies for our youngest stakeholders, while future-proofing the digital landscape for multi-generational engagement.”

Translation: teenagers won’t be allowed on TikTok anymore.

“This is a strategic move to align with our trans-Tasman partners, based on recent Australian developments in the youth-digital interface space,” said Luxon, while appearing to believe that was a normal sentence for a Prime Minister to say.

When asked if this would require digital ID to verify people’s ages — and open the door to tracking everyone online — Luxon paused, smiled, and replied, “We are actively exploring scalable verification pathways which will ensure confidence from all parties in the online user journey.”

Kiwis around the country are still trying to figure out if they’re being governed or managed into the ground.

“He talks like he’s about to sell me a subscription to a cloud-based HR system,” said Lower Hutt mother Sheree Edwards. “I just want to know if my 14-year-old can still post memes.”

Critics have suggested that introducing a law like this would, by necessity, mean every internet user would need to prove their age — leading to digital identity systems. But Luxon quickly hosed that down, reassuring the public that “there’s no current roadmap for that deliverable.”

Meanwhile, Australians have already passed a similar law and are now trying to figure out how to implement it without turning the entire internet into an airport security line.

“Look, this is about empowering parents and guardians with the tools to manage digital engagement.”

More to come. 

The post New Zealand’s General Manager Says Social Media Ban Will Deliver Outcomes For Key Stakeholders appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

TRAGIC LOSS FOR THE BOYS

A few good men have been mourning over Hannah Watts’ Instagram account lately.

Some Christchurch locals’ are devastated at the transformation of Watts’ social media photos, which went from a vibrant festival highlight reel account into an endless stream of baby photos.

“Back in 2018, she was out there doing God’s work—posting sunset bikini pics with vague captions like ‘energy’ or boomerangs of her doing shots at a beach bar overseas. Now? It’s just continuous updates of her newborn showcasing a new outfit,” said one upset follower.

The shift reportedly began subtly, with a single pregnancy announcement accompanied by the classic “our little miracle” caption. But within months, the algorithm’s worst fears were realized—stories filled with pram walks, and milestone stickers.

“I get it, she’s a mum now,” sighed another disheartened follower, Dylan Harris, 28, who has yet to recover from the emotional whiplash of seeing Hannah’s grid shift from festival outfits to bassinet reviews. “But does the world really need this many updates about sleep regressions? Where’s the tasteful festival glitter? The strategic hot dog leg photos? The tequila shots??”

Sources say the final blow for her male followers came when she replaced the last remnants of her old life—the iconic Ibiza 2019 highlight reel—with a new folder simply titled ‘Baby Bean’

Unfollow rates have reportedly spiked by 73%.

More to come. 

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RAISING THE BAR ON FOLLOWERS

Sophie Tanner, a 23-year-old self-proclaimed “fitness influencer” from Christchurch, made history today at Les Mills gym by setting a new personal best: one solitary rep and an astounding 100 Instagram photos.

“I’ve really been pushing myself lately,” Sophie said, taking a sip of her third protein shake of the day, mainly just for show.

“ It’s not just about lifting, it’s about lifting the aesthetic of your Instagram feed. Plus, one squat and 100 selfies? That’s a workout in itself,” she laughed, scrolling through the 100 plus photos of herself in the same pose.

Sophie’s gym session at Les Mills began as usual, with a 20-minute search for the perfect spot near the mirror—an area with just the right amount of natural light and, ideally, no one around. “I need my space. I don’t want anyone ruining my vibe with their actual workout,” she explained.”

Once the squat rack was clear, Sophie did one perfect squat.

“One rep is all it takes to make gains—and by gains, I mean great content,” she said as she immediately dropped the weights and began positioning her phone for maximum lighting for the perfect photo.

More to come. 

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The post Local Woman Sets New Gym PB: 1 Rep, 100 Photos for Instagram appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ULTIMATE FLEX

Kelsie McVale, 23, knows what’s coming after flaunting her tanned beach body on social media. 

She’s expecting a barrage of Instagram direct messages from male followers who have just seen the revealing photo taken at Christchurch’s Sumner beach – a hotspot for people her age during the summer months.

McVale’s post to her 2,850 followers features her in a bikini, a large wide-brimmed hat, glamorous sunglasses, and an overly large Lululemon drink bottle.

The post was nicely captioned “Living my best life! #beachvibes #sundayfunday”, a sentiment that maximises efficiency and effectiveness, while sacrificing originality. 

Our reporters caught up with McVale who was lying on her beach towel. 

“Yep this should be a goodie, this one. Hadn’t let rip a decent one like this for a while,” McVale explained as she continually refreshed her iPhone 13 to see the likes roll in.

McVale was clearly determined to get to that coveted 100-like mark and has been doing whatever she can to get there. She was even sending DMs to her friends, reminding them to like her post and asking if they’d seen it, despite it only going up minutes ago.

“I mean, usually the post starts off slow and gets momentum when it comes up on people’s feeds. Kinda get a bit worried when it’s a slow start. This one seems to be okay. Four DMs already, but they’re just flame emojis from guys I’m not really interested in.”

“I mean a post like this usually ends up being a cesspool of unwanted attention from guys, who think that “liking” a photo and sending direct messages is the way to a girl’s heart. Can’t some guy just give me shit and comment on the photo to make fun of me? Ugh, guys they’re all the same.”

As our reporters left, the long-legged beach goer had one parting comment.

“Thanks for today guys. Be sure to chuck my Instagram handle in the story will ya?”

@kelsie_mcvale

More to come.

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ALL FOR THE GRAM

Sam Ellison thought he had the perfect summer getaway planned when he travelled up north to the Coromandel. 

Escaping his high-pressure job in Wellington with girlfriend, Tess Young, 26, he had the promise of peaceful afternoons soaking in the sun at the world-renowned Cathedral Cove.

“All I wanted was to lie on the beach, maybe read a book, enjoy the sun,” Sam said, staring into the middle distance, where the ocean waves once lapped peacefully. “But Tess had other ideas.”

“She asked me to just take a quick photo. But after I took the quick initial 10, she looked at all of them in detail. Clearly unhappy with every single one of them, she asked me to take more. She literally looked exactly the same in each photo.” 

“I swear to God, I’ve taken 30 photos of her just sitting, holding her hat, smiling into the sun—all the same,” Sam said, his voice beginning to break under the pressure. “It’s like she’s trying to illustrate her entire personality in one Instagram post.”

As they neared the 200th photo of Tess posing in the same position, she eventually came over to scroll through all the photos taken in what was a painful photography session for Sam.

“Hmm, I think I might just go with the first one you took at the start. Nice job camera boy.”  

More to come. 

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The post Bloke’s Relaxing Beach Trip To Cathedral Cove Turns Into Grueling 200-Photo Shoot For Girlfriend’s Instagram appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

INSTAFLIRT

Hannah Luff, 25, was determined to showcase her walk up Mount Maunganui to her family and friends, but especially one person in particular.

After coming up from Wellington for the Christmas and holiday break in Tauranga, Luff set off with a couple of her friends to walk up the iconic mountain.

“I thought, why not combine fitness and flirtation?” Luff said, forcing her friend to snap yet another shot in her perfectly curated hiking outfit, which was basically just gym gear.

As Hannah reached the top of the summit and after asking her friends multiple times if they liked a specific photo of her posing, she rolled with the caption “Just a casual hike” then fired it off to her 1672 follower, hoping Chad would see it and maybe interact with it.

After a couple of hours when Hannah and her friends had come down from their hike, her Insta-stress kicked in.

“Okay, it’s been two hours, and Chad still hasn’t seen it. I’m, like, so confused,” Hannah said, scrolling through her feed anxiously. She checked and rechecked her notifications. Nothing. 

Not even a like. “Maybe he’s just busy… or, like, too cool to comment,” she mumbled, staring at her phone in disbelief.

Then, in the middle of her Insta-stress, Hannah noticed something—Chad had posted a story. She clicked on it eagerly, only to see a photo of him in full hunting gear with the caption, “Going hunting for four days, won’t have any reception.”

More to come. 

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THE GRIND NEVER STOPS

Chad Blackwell had a point to prove on Christmas Day.

It was yet another day to remind the world that the grind never stops for the 27 year-old from Auckland.

Instead of being present at the family brunch where his sister was back for a fleeting trip from the UK, Chad was posting inspirational quotes to his Instagram story with a picture of himself posing in front of a Les Mills gym mirror. 

“Discipline doesn’t take holidays,” the caption on his Instagram story read.

When approached by reporters from the Whakataki Times later that afternoon, Chad was eager to elaborate on his unconventional Christmas priorities. “Look, anyone can eat pavlova and sit on the couch,” he explained, wiping sweat off his forehead. 

“But it takes a special kind of person to hit the gym while everyone else is unwrapping socks and drinking mimosas. It’s about sending a message.”

Meanwhile, back at the Blackwell family home, Chad’s sister Kelly was less than impressed. “Honestly, it’s exhausting,” she said, gesturing towards the untouched chair at the brunch table. “Every year, we’re here eating croissants and unwrapping presents, and he’s off lifting weights in an empty gym. Who is he even trying to impress? His 50 followers?”

Kelly’s frustration boiled over when Chad’s latest Instagram story pinged on her phone. “Oh, look at this one,” she said, rolling her eyes and reading aloud: ‘The only thing I’m unwrapping today is my potential.’ I mean, seriously. Who says that?”

More to come. 

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WE GET IT, YOU’RE THERE

The National government has announced its intention to extend the controversial ban on gang patches to tackle another societal menace: Instagram stories flooded with festival footage. 

The proposed crackdown will prohibit anyone from posting shaky videos of strobe-lit stages paired with muffled bass, accompanied by off-key renditions of chart-topping hits.

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon defended the policy, claiming it was born out of public demand. “New Zealanders have had enough. Opening Instagram to find 47 clips of someone’s poorly lit festival journey, featuring indistinguishable artists and tone-deaf karaoke, is an assault on the senses. We’re putting a stop to it,” he declared in a press conference.

Chelsea McVale, 25 from Christchurch, who is a regular festival goer at Electric Avenue was outraged. “This is outrageous,” she said, visibly distraught. “What’s the point of going to a festival if you can’t make everyone else experience FOMO through a story? Ugghh.”

Chelsea isn’t alone in her frustration. Millie Stewart, a 21-year-old student from Dunedin, has spent months planning her pilgrimage to Rhythm and Vines. 

“It’s about self-expression! How can you share your soul with the world if you can’t post, like, 13 clips of a DJ you don’t even know, trying to look cool while you fumble for your phone in the crowd?”

The response from the public was mixed, with some social media users wholeheartedly agreeing with the restrictions, citing their overwhelming frustration with never-ending festival stories.

“I had to mute four people last summer just because of their festival posts. It was all the same! Half the time, I couldn’t even tell which DJ was playing, and they were all singing terribly—off-key, out of sync with the music. It was torture. Bring on the ban!”

More to come. 

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