SPEED RUCKING

The All Blacks have today announced Dave Rennie as the new Head Coach through to the 2027 Rugby World Cup, replacing Scott Robertson who was sacked in January.

Today’s announcement however has left TV personality and former aspiring coach Leigh Hart questioning the selection process.

“I was ready to reinvent the ruck. But instead of going with someone innovative with a keen eye for strategy, like myself, they’ve gone with someone with more practical application, who’s actually coached a rugby team before,” said Hart, while rapidly cooking dinner for his children. 

“This has been a disappointing day.” 

Hart, who has long dreamed of leading the All Blacks, insists his approach would have brought “fresh energy, innovative thinking, and possibly a few pints to team strategy sessions.” Despite this, he remains philosophical.

“Coaching is about vision. I have vision. They have… well… Dave Rennie now,” he quipped.

“Apparently my backyard defensive bomb strategy doesn’t count as professional experience. Who knew? They don’t tell you these things when you apply,” Hart said, referencing how he can apply the defensive bomb to 17 unique scenarios.

“They gave the job to someone who knows what they’re doing. I thought NZR wanted bold ideas. Turns out they just want someone who has experience in coaching.”

“Maybe one day they’ll realise the genius of the defensive bomb,” Hart concluded.

More to come.

The post Leigh Hart Snubbed For All Blacks Coaching Role Due To So-Called “Lack Of Experience” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ROLLING SUB

In an effort to avoid being yelled at by various Māori leaders at Waitangi this year, PM Christopher Luxon has reached out to non-travelling reserve Leigh Hart to fill in while he takes a breather on the sidelines.

Luxon made the call to attend Waitangi today instead of Friday after realising that another day there would mean more extreme humidity in an uncomfortable suit and several more hours of people being deeply unhappy with him and his Coalition partners.

“Look, it’s always hot, you can’t take the jacket off, and no one ever says anything nice,” Luxon reportedly told colleagues. “I just thought maybe we could rotate the role a bit.”

Leigh Hart, who bears a striking resemblance to the Prime Minister and has a long history of playing awkward New Zealand men on television, was said to be “very open” to the idea.

“Yeah nah, I could do that,” Hart said. “Just a one day thing. In and out. Bit of sunscreen. Few nods. Happy to help.”

Hart allegedly asked only a handful of practical questions, including whether he needed to learn any te reo, how long he would be required to look solemn and whether the job would be a “cashie”.

“I assume this is off the books,” he said. “Cash is fine, no need to drag IRD into it.”

Insiders say the Prime Minister was reassured by Hart’s relaxed approach.

“He’s got the look down,” one staffer said. “Tall, shiny head, confident stride. From a distance no one would know.”

Hart is also understood to be comfortable with the expected reception.

“I’ve been heckled before,” he said. “I did Moon TV. This is basically the same thing but with flags.”

When asked if he was worried someone might notice the switch, Hart shrugged.

“Most people don’t listen to what he says anyway. Usually they’re too busy yelling.”

At time of writing, Luxon was reportedly finalising his own Waitangi Day plans, which include a BBQ where he’s not being shouted at.

More to come. 

The post Luxon Asks Leigh Hart If He’d Mind Covering Waitangi Day For Him appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DOPPELGANGER DANGER

Comedian Leigh Hart has issued an urgent clarification today: he is not, and has never been, New Zealand Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, just in case any US military helicopters happen to be on the prowl in Auckland.

“I wanted to clarify in case I got taken away by the US military in the dead of the night to a foreign country,” Hart explained, “President Trump, I am not Luxon. I repeat: not Luxon and never have been. Please triple check you you have the actual PM of New Zealand before you mistakenly abduct me,” explained Hart while on the lookout for any MH-60 Blackhawks flying overhead in Auckland.

The urgent plea comes after US President Donald Trump left open the possibility of “midnight retrieval operations” on foreign leaders, following his extraction of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro.

Hart admitted the resemblance could be confusing to some.

“We both wear suits occasionally, we’re both Kiwi, born a day apart, same haircut, but that’s where it ends. I negotiate deals with chip and beer suppliers, not free trade agreements and I am not currently the Prime Minister of New Zealand,” Hart said, while wincing as a helicopter flew overhead.

“I have never run a country. The closest I’ve ever come to doing something for the nation was to distribute one chip to every Kiwi with Snackachangi and then I even had to pull out of that,” Hart concluded while taking off to an unknown location to avoid detection just in case the US military and FBI were tracking him.

Luxon himself declined to comment, reportedly busy installing extra locks on his doors.

More to come.

The post Leigh Hart Clarifies That He’s Not Christopher Luxon Just in Case Trump’s Planning A Kidnap appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BAD BLOOD

Comedian Leigh Hart has had a frustrating week, despite spending most of it relaxing at the eco lodge.

The Snackachangi frontman has been continually confused with the guy who keeps asking Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce to come to New Zealand to get married. 

“It’s getting ridiculous,” Hart said, shaking his head while quietly snacking on a few chips. “I’m not making weird videos for overseas celebrities or trying to get them to relocate to New Zealand, but for some reason, the prime minister is!”

Hart says he noticed the confusion when his social media started filling up with messages like, “Leigh, what are you messaging Taylor Swift for? It’s weird” and “Hey Hart, Travis Kelce doesn’t care about rugby.”

It started when Prime Minister Christopher Luxon reached out to Swift and Kelce via a video he made last week, desperately pleading for them to get married in New Zealand.

“I’ve been in the business long enough to know people confuse me for, well, weird things sometimes,” he said. “But now it’s the Prime Minister. Luxon’s been making cringey videos and tweeting American celebrities. And somehow, I’m the one getting blamed for it,” Hart said incredulously.

“Look, I’ve got a lot on my plate and I don’t really have time to set up destination weddings for celebrities. If Luxon wants to do that, he can – just leave me out of it.”

Hart cut the interview short when he was interrupted by yet another direct message from someone who thought he was the prime minister.

More to come. 

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MAN OF THE PEOPLE

It has been another average day for Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, as he and his party’s popularity hit their lowest point in two years.

The latest 1News Verian Poll tonight has National at 34%, only just ahead of Labour on 33%, with Luxon only just ahead of Opposition leader Chris Hipkins as preferred Prime Minister.

But in a shock to political insiders, Leigh Hart, founder of the iconic Snackachangi chip brand has rocketed into the preferred Prime Minister polls with a formidable 4%. This jump is enough to make established politicians Luxon and Hipkins, both only on 20% and 19%, sit up and take notice.

We spoke to regular everyday Kiwis about the latest poll and why they thought the chip magnate has made such an impact..

“Leigh talks like someone you’d find at the local pub,  genuine, approachable, and refreshingly unfiltered as well to be honest,” said Katie, 24, from Wellington.

“And he doesn’t sound like everything he says has come from an outdated ChatGPT model”. 

From Dunedin, 38-year-old tradesman Dave Nixon shared: “At the end of the day, I reckon he gets what Kiwis want. No fancy talk. Luxon just seems a bit too polished and not quite real.”

Many of the people we interviewed were confused by the question, as they thought that the prime minister and the Snackachangi guy were in fact the same person. 

True to Christopher Luxon form, he dismissed the poll with his usual sigh. 

“The only poll that matters to me is the one they have on election day,” he said, brushing off questions about why his lead had dwindled and the Snackachangi chip guy was becoming increasingly popular.

He went on to say “What I will say is…” before reciting more AI-generated talking points.

More to come. 

The post Polling Shows Surge In Support For Snackachangi Chip Guy As Preferred Prime Minister appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NEED FOR SPEED

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has made yet another bold announcement in the ongoing saga of New Zealand’s education overhaul.

Following the much-publicized axing of NCEA, Luxon revealed today that traditional Food Technology credits will be replaced by a brand-new, adrenaline-fueled “ Speed Cooking Exam.”

Gone are the days when students could have several goes at baking a cake or simmering a stew over several weeks, while earning their precious credits in food tech. Now, aspiring chefs at New Zealand high schools will be required to practice all year for a single, nerve-wracking external exam where speed is king and patience is thrown out the window.

Luxon spoke to our reporters this afternoon.

“We’re preparing students for the fast-paced, cutthroat culinary world. It’s not about slow-cooked flavors, it’s about how quickly you can chop, sizzle, and plate under extreme pressure.” Luxon said, practising in a kitchen while tossing away knives without looking at where they landed.

Students will be judged on their ability to produce a full three-course meal in under three minutes, with Luxon explaining the importance of speed in their exams.

“What this country needs is productivity, efficiency and speed. These are exactly the deliverables we’ll be delivering.”

“It’s all about speed in the modern workforce. If you’re not fast, you’re last.” Luxon concluded, as he sliced a full bottle of milk in half with a bread knife. 

More to come. 

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CRUNCH TIME

The National Party is reportedly taking steps to quietly replace Prime Minister Christopher Luxon with Snackachangi founder and national icon Leigh Hart.

It comes amid concerns that Luxon remains “chronically unrelatable” to the average New Zealander, where Hart is effectively the complete opposite, actively connecting with everyday New Zealanders, literally every day.

Hart has been making significant political gains, despite having no actual involvement in politics. His “One Chip For Every Kiwi” campaign has struck a chord with the public, offering what many believe to be “the most tangible cost of living relief in 2025”.

Meanwhile Luxon has polled relatively poorly in most polls since becoming PM in 2023, with constant talk about whether he’s the right man to lead them to victory at the election, just over a year from now. 

A National Party spokesperson spoke to our reporters.

“Our polling shows that if an election was held tomorrow, nearly all voters would rather have a beer with the Snackachangi guy than attend a single Luxon town hall meeting. We simply can’t ignore that. Luxon doesn’t even drink either,” the spokesperson said. 

When asked what policies he would introduce, Hart said “For the longest time I’ve believed every New Zealand house should have at least one ranch slider. Unbelievable that there’s no policy on this. So I’d look at some sort of subsidy for ranch sliders on all new builds.

“I’m a busy guy, but honestly, I could probably squeeze a cabinet reshuffle in between my radio shows and chip promotions, all while connecting with the kiwis.”

More to come. 

The post National Looks To Quietly Swap Out Luxon With Snackachangi Chips Guy appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DEAD END

Leigh Hart’s ambitious campaign to give one chip to every kiwi has stumbled in the eerily empty corridors of Johnsonville Mall.

The Snackachangi frontman turned up to the ageing Wellington shopping centre shortly after midday with a lone chip packet, hoping to find a bustling public hub with everyday New Zealanders. What he instead found was more like a haunting post-apocalyptic echo chamber.

“I got chatting to someone straight away, had a great old conversation, but when I tried to give them their chip, I realised I’d been talking to a mannequin the whole time. It was quite a frightening experience,” said Hart, actively looking for the nearest exit of the mall.

Hart has been attempting to hand-deliver one SnackaChangi chip to each and every one of the country’s 5.31 million residents, and thought his work may be easier at a large shopping complex.

“I thought maybe there would be a school group around, or a pensioner doing a slow loop of the mall,” he said. “But no. Just closed shops, a broken escalator, and the distant sound of a wheezing air-con unit,” Hart explained, slowly realising he was the only human inside the mall and having more frightening encounters with mannequins.

“I then tried to give the chip to a bloke I saw outside Just Jeans. Giddaaay maaaate, I said. Had a good chat, real solid eye contact. But it was a mannequin. Again!” Hart recalled.

“At one point I thought I saw movement near the old Muffin Break. The ooooool Muffin Break,” he said. “Turned out it was just the automatic doors opening and closing for absolutely nobody.”

At press time, Hart was seen hurriedly leaving the mall and looking over his shoulder, holding the same singly-packaged chip he entered with.

More to come. 

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FUNNY THAT

Christopher Luxon has made another bold decision as leader of the National Party, stocking up exclusively on Hellers sausages and Wakachangi beer ahead of his election day barbie.

Instead of opting for an assortment of gourmet dishes and fine wines, Luxon decided to go for something that resonates with everyday kiwi battlers.

“Gidday maaaate” Luxon greeted our reporters, stocking up his fridge for his election party on Saturday night, where he is hopeful of becoming Prime Minister.

“Hellers and Wakachangi lagers, it’s the taste of the common Kiwi. Who needs camembert and brie when you can have a few beers and saussies instead?” said Luxon, glugging back a lager with a Hellers snag in hand.

“Our party is all about practical solutions for good, honest kiwis. Just like this combo – simple, no-frills, and down-to-earth. Funny that.”

Our reporters quizzed Luxon on why he chose Wakachangi beer.

“Quite nice beer. Don’t ya think?” he replied.

“What better way to celebrate an election win than with good food and drink that great New Zealanders truly appreciate.”

Luxon was later seen offering samples of his cooked sausages to random people around the neighbourhood and asking their opinions on them.

More to come. 

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