A NEW DIMENSION! 

Ex-pat Kiwi Aaron Sampson, 24, has abruptly disposed of his four day-old turntables and mixer after news that New Zealand will open its borders to Kiwis living abroad. He is just one of thousands of Kiwis that will no longer have to transform themselves into DJs in order to gain entry into the country. 

“Oh man, I was just finalising some deals with music promoters on the Shore back home. Could’ve been two birds with one stone – get a sweet gig and get to skip the M-I-Queue”, laughed Sampson aka DJ Azza, who hails from the North Harbour but has called Sydney’s Bondi Beach home for the past six years.

DJ Azza wasn’t the only one with mixed emotions after the Government’s sudden U-turn. The Whakataki Times also caught up with Becky Clarke, 26, who has been fighting to get home from New York for the past two years.

“Ha, I’m kinda gutted actually as I just made my Insta page called ‘Bass Beast Bex’ and I was hoping the two weeks in MIQ would give me enough time to practice before my first gig. Anyway, do you know of anyone who’d be keen to hear my failed mixes on SoundCloud, or buy my decks and mixer?”

DJ Azza also explained how he wasn’t that keen on getting crucified by New Zealand’s media for gaining entry to the country purely because he was a performing DJ. 

“Well that was one deterrent, but what choice did I have? I guess it’s nice to just be able to return to New Zealand as a permanent resident and citizen, rather than swanning in on the basis that I’m a relatively unknown electronica artist.”

The Whakataki Times also received a reply from online auction site eBay, who explained that their website nearly crashed after an unexpected spike in people looking to sell unneeded DJ equipment.

More to come.

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Whakataki Landscaping owner-operator Troy Sullivan has allegedly been in touch with COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins after he demonstrated a seemingly effortless ability to dig himself a colossal hole. 

This follows Hipkins’ mishandling of the Charlotte Bellis MIQ debacle. 

Sullivan, 48, said he’s never seen someone dig themselves such a big hole so efficiently before, and is keen to get Hipkins on the tools as soon as possible. “The guy’s a machine! He’s dug a massive hole just by talking! Imagine what he could do with an excavator!” exclaimed Sullivan.

“To be honest a spade might be all he needs. I’ve got a backlog of jobs to get done and I need an extra pair of hands. The ground’s pretty hard over summer but I don’t think it’d worry this kid, he’s that good!” 

Not only did Hipkins manage to insult pregnant, kiwi, stranded-in-Afghanistan, journo Charlotte Bellis by suggesting she hadn’t taken her MIQ application seriously, he’s also allegedly breached her privacy by publicly revealing details of her consular assistance without her permission.  

Bellis is now considering legal action against the government. 

“Gee what an out-and-out expert hole-digger” sighed Sullivan longingly.

The local landscaper is sure that Hipkins must be looking for work and is confident he can lock him in by the end of the month. “Surely he’s not going to be sticking with the covid stuff for much longer because he clearly just loves digging holes too much. And there’s nothing wrong with that!” he said reassuringly.  

“Come and work for me Chris, I’ll look after ya!” 

More to come. 

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