LOOKING THE PART

Finance Minister Nicola Willis has reportedly spent much of this week wondering whether a newly purchased black hooded cloak and full-sized scythe might be “a bit over the top” for upcoming media appearances announcing further public sector job cuts.

Willis was seen by members of her family pacing around her modern Wellington townhouse late Tuesday evening while wearing the floor-length cloak, occasionally stopping in front of a mirror to test different ways of holding the scythe.

“She kept asking whether the hood should stay up during interviews or if that made it look too theatrical,” said one of her daughters. “She asked if black leather gloves made it feel too ‘Marvel villain’.”

The outfit testing comes after the government confirmed thousands more public service roles will be slashed across Wellington over the coming years as departments continue cost-cutting measures.

Willis reportedly defended the look while speaking to friends over herbal tea and a bowl of veggie crisps.

“I’m not trying to make a statement, although I s’pose I am,” she explained. “I just think if you’re fronting up to announce another wave of restructuring, you should look professional. You know, polished. Cohesive.”

She added that the scythe was “mostly symbolic” and said she had no immediate plans to try and get it past parliament security.

Neighbours say they briefly spotted the Finance Minister standing silently on her balcony at dusk earlier this week while the cloak moved in the Wellington wind.

“I honestly thought my time had come and Death himself had arrived to take me,” said local resident Aaron McKenzie. “Then I realised it was just Nicola doing media prep.”

Political commentators say the outfit could ultimately help lighten the messaging by making the government’s intentions feel “refreshingly transparent”.

More to come.

The post Nicola Willis Unsure Whether New Outfit For Media Appearances Is Too Much appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ARTS AND CRAFTS

Finance Minister Nicola Willis has been spotted at her dining room table with scissors, glue and a pile of printed logos from Australian banks.

Sources say she is “refreshing” the National Party logo so it better reflects the party’s priorities. The redesign features the classic blue N, now covered with the gold of ASB and the blue of ANZ.

National’s Credit Contracts and Consumer Finance Amendment Bill could basically shut down a class action against ANZ and ASB, by tens of thousands of kiwis.

National accused of putting needs of banks before everyday kiwis

The Taxpayers Union say “Instead of letting the courts do their job, Nicola Willis and Scott Simpson are stepping in to shut it down with the stroke of a pen. That’s not justice — that’s Parliament playing defence for its mates.”

Rather than distance herself from the controversy, Willis has decided to bring the banks even closer.

“She was very particular about where the ANZ logo should go,” the source continued. “She said it needed to be right at the heart of the National Party.”

According to party insiders, Willis believes the new look will show “unity between the National Party and important financial partners.” Critics say it just shows whose team she’s really on.

One neighbour who caught a glimpse of the work in progress was blunt. “I thought she was doing a school project for one of her kids. Then I realised it was for the next election campaign. Makes sense, I guess.”

The redesign has not yet been approved by National Party HQ, but those close to Willis say she is determined to finish it before the weekend.

“It’s nice to see a Finance Minister taking such a hands-on approach,” said one supporter. “Even if it’s with glue sticks instead of economic policy.”

Meanwhile, the Reserve Bank has declined to comment on whether party logos should include the branding of banks currently being sued.

At press time, Willis was reportedly starting work on matching National Party letterhead, featuring repeating patterns of ANZ and ASB logos in the margins.

More to come.

The post Nicola Willis In Charge Of Redesigning National Party Logo To Better Represent Priorities appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NAWT THA SAAAME WITH-OWT SOYYYMON

Following the shock departure of National’s finance spokesperson Simon Bridges, a party insider has revealed that there is internal pressure on Nicola Willis to not only take on Simon’s finance portfolio, but also his distinctly unique New Zealand accent.

The anonymous insider said that there was a feeling that while Simon Bridges’ accent was like a continuous punishment to the average kiwi ear hole, it got people talking about the party.

“No such thing as bad press!”, said the shadowy anonymous figure cloaked in darkness. 

“The general feeling around the party is that Luxon shouldn’t be the one to take up Simon’s accent, because that gets a bit too much to bear since he does a lot of talking as party leader.

“But if Nicola could start drawling out her words like a slack-jawed donkey then that would be quite good for the TV every once in a while”. 

The insider, who is assumably a cowardly lower-party snake who will stab as many backs as needed for their own personal gain, was optimistic about the party’s election hopes.

“Yeah look as usual Labour’s blown all of New Zealand’s cash so once again National will have to step in and clean things up. Odds-on favourites Chris Luxon and Nuckulla Wullus!”

More to come.

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The post New Finance Spokesperson Nicola Willis Urged To Take Up Simon Bridges’ Accent Too appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HASN’T SLEPT.

Talkback radio host Mike Hosking turned up for his breakfast show three hours earlier than usual today, after a very positive TVNZ 1 News Kantar Poll for National last night.

After seeing National take the lead in the polls, surging 7 points to 39 percent, Hosking has understandably been too excited to get to sleep, eventually opting to get up and start his day at 2 AM.  

Auckland street sweeper Jamie Jackson was the only other person awake at this ungodly hour to see Hosking entering the Newstalk ZB studios. 

“He looked as fresh as daisies, which was strange in itself, but what gave me the biggest fright was actually seeing another human being out and about at 2 o’clock.

“I mean it is normal to sometimes see the dregs of people out drinking from the night before, but this was clearly someone who was completely ready to take on the day ahead. Quite frightening,” said the 39 year old urban maintenance technician. 

Newstalk ZB intern Ryan Lane, 21, is usually the first into the studio each day, so was disturbed to arrive and find Mike in the office, alone, milling about, unloading the dishwasher and straightening tables.

“He had this weird smile on his face and I couldn’t work it out. I thought maybe something had happened in his personal life and he’d had some kind of breakdown,” said the newly minted media school graduate.

“But then I remembered the poll last night and it all made sense.”

The Whakataki Times opted to not approach Hosking for comment, as it was assumed that he would be unwilling to talk to anyone other than his loyal callers, who were all frothing at the mouth to stick the boot into Labour this morning. 

More to come.

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