I AM YOUR WORLD!

Parents, Sammie and Will, love their 2-year-old, Millie, but have become increasingly frustrated by her devious attempts to derail their rare date nights.

The young parents say their prodigious child has single handedly scheduled major medical emergencies and minor natural disasters, all in an effort to prevent them from giving attention to something, or someone, other than her.

An exasperated Sammie explained, “the first time we tried going to the movies, there was an outbreak of gastro that affected all the local movie theatres. We couldn’t believe it.”

But then, Will said, it happened again: “The following week we thought we’d try our luck at the theatre, but the whole place flooded five minutes before doors opened!”

It was on their fifth attempt at date night that the couple started to believe a greater force was at play. According to Sammie, “we knew by the third gastro plague that this was no coincidence. It was obvious Millie had something to do with this.”

Millie, they say, was a miracle baby whose life was the greatest blessing they ever received. They feel only she could be capable of instigating such diverse and devious diversions to derail date night.

Millie agrees.

Speaking to the Whakataki Times via a toddler translator, Millie claims to be “the world leading block stacker and puzzle solver” as well as “the best baby born on earth,” not to mention “this universe’s most beloved human.”

It was a logical next step, she says, to step into “social deviant, ruiner of lives.”

She admits, however, that not all her parents’ cancelled plans were her doing. The second gastro outburst, Millie says, was due to some cross contamination in the movie theatre’s popcorn machine. But she claimed the victory regardless.

“I am literally their world. Their world is nothing without me. If they try to leave me, they mustn’t expect anything good to come of it.”

More to come.

The post Toddler Plans Medical Emergency, Minor Disaster, To Coincide With Mum And Dads’ Date Nights appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DANGER NEUTRALISED

A Wellington man successfully navigated a high-risk family gathering this weekend after preventing his 69-year-old mother from delivering what experts described as a “freshly downloaded opinion” acquired during the previous evening’s TV news.

The incident occurred shortly after breakfast as three generations of the family gathered around the dining table, creating ideal conditions for the opinion to be deployed.

Witnesses say the man’s mother had already assumed the familiar posture indicating an imminent political statement, including a slight lean forward and the opening words, “Did you hear what the government is doing now?”

Recognising the warning signs, 35-year-old Tom Thompson immediately initiated diversion protocols.

“I could see it loading,” Thompson said.

“You get this look where she’s halfway between annoyed and excited. It’s like she’s just been handed a mission.”

Thompson reportedly interrupted the conversation by asking whether anyone had seen the neighbour’s new fence.

“That bought me about seven minutes.”

When the political opinion later attempted to re-enter the discussion through a comment about healthcare funding, Thompson successfully redirected attention toward a family debate about whether tomatoes belong in a fruit salad or not.

“Honestly, I don’t even know what the latest outrage was supposed to be,” he said.

“I stopped watching the news years ago. Half the time every channel seems to have already decided what you’re meant to think before they tell you what happened.”

His mother, meanwhile, expressed disappointment that several important topics had gone undiscussed.

“I was only saying what everyone is thinking,” she said.

Thompson’s father, who spent most of the conversation quietly eating toast, said the strategy appeared effective.

“She’s forgotten what she was angry about now,” he said.

“Mind you, she’ll probably download something else to be annoyed about tonight.”

Thompson is understood to be preparing several back-pocket diversion topics for the next couple of days, including new shops opening in the local area, grandad’s new dog and which plants to plant in the garden next.

More to come.

The post Millennial Skillfully Diverts Mum Away From Launching Into Freshly Downloaded Political Opinion appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

A Lower Hutt grandmother has confirmed that a simple afternoon at the duck pond has become “bloody complicated” after learning she is no longer allowed to feed bread to ducks.

Margaret Wilson, 67, said she arrived at the local park armed with a standard white bread loaf only to be informed by her eight year old granddaughter that bread is “actually harmful”.

“She just looked at me and said, ‘Nan, that’s actually really bad for them,’” Wilson said. “Since when did ducks become gluten free?”

Wilson confirmed she was then advised that rolled oats are the preferred option.

“Rolled oats,” she repeated. “Who are these precious ducks on bloody wellness journeys?”

The grandmother admitted she felt blindsided by the development.

“We’ve been feeding ducks bread for generations. Ducks are fine. They’re all still quacking. Who’s complaining to the council about this stuff?”

A nearby parent, who declined to be named but described herself as “very across environmental stuff,” said it was about education.

“It’s just about making better choices for wildlife,” she said, holding a reusable container of organic oats. “Bread fills them up but doesn’t give them any nutrients.”

Wilson said she supports healthy ducks but questions how far things will go.

“Next thing they’ll be telling me the ducks on a strict ketogenic diet.”

Wilson was last seen reluctantly sprinkling oats while the ducks appeared largely indifferent, continuing to eat whatever landed closest to their beaks.

More to come. 

The post Grandmother Looking After Grandkids Informed That She “Can’t Even Feed Bread To Ducks Anymore” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

STAY INSIDE

Holidaymakers in a lower north island camping ground feared for their safety this Waitangi weekend, as gangs of overly confident children patrolled roads on their bikes. 

The scene unfolded at Foxton Beach Holiday Park, where first time campers quickly realised they were not the dominant group on site. That role had already been filled by what seemed to be hundreds of children aged somewhere between six and twelve, all riding bikes, all yelling, and all appearing to know each other extremely well.

“They were everywhere,” said one shaken camper from Palmerston North. “You’d open your car door and suddenly there were three kids circling you, ringing bells and laughing. Not at you. Just generally.”

Witnesses say the children moved in loose packs, doing laps around the campground with a confidence normally reserved for locals who have been coming there every summer since birth.

“They clearly know the layout,” said another camper. “They know all the shortcuts and take all the blind corners. This is their territory.”

The intimidation, campers say, came not from aggression but from sheer happiness and volume.

“They’re so loud,” said a man staying in a cabin near the ablution block. “Just laughing, shouting, yelling out names like ‘Ollie’ and ‘Maddie’. It’s unsettling. They don’t seem to fear anything.”

Parents of the children appeared relaxed about the situation, often seen sitting back drinking while their offspring enforced their rule.

“Oh yeah, they all know each other,” said one mother, watching a group speed past. “We’ve been coming here for years. They basically run the place.”

Newcomers quickly learned to adapt.

“We just stayed in our tent after dark,” said a Wellington couple. “They’re even louder and more unpredictable at night.”

By Sunday morning the gangs began to thin out, bikes slowly being loaded onto roof racks and trailers.

Campers reported a strange calm settling over the park.

“It feels like they’ve left,” said one man, looking around nervously. “But I still feel like they’re watching.”

Foxton Beach Holiday Park declined to comment, saying only that “it’s always busy on long weekends.”

More to come. 

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THE JUGGLE

Christchurch parents Ryan and Charlotte Andrews are facing facts this summer, discovering that both their leave balances had been completely drained, with little to show for it. 

Ryan, 35, says reality “hit him in the face” as his son Fletcher had his first summer school holidays as a five year old. “Back in October we said nah surely we don’t need to fork out for a school holiday programme.” 

Both sets of grandparents were reportedly happy to help and described the experience as lovely, while also quietly reminding Ryan and Charlotte that this was not how things were supposed to work when they had kids.

Fletcher meanwhile has fully embraced a lifestyle that involves constant activity, immediate attention and asking what’s for lunch shortly after finishing breakfast.

Charlotte said the couple had briefly fantasised about using some annual leave at the same time.

“It would be nice to have an actual break while you’re on leave,” she said. “Not just parenting as usual or sometimes in a slightly different location.”

Ryan confirmed that most days off now involved one parent working, while the other supervised Fletcher with the assistance of grandparents, snacks and lowered expectations.

“At work they think you’re refreshed,” he said. “At home they think you’re available. You’re actually neither.”

The couple said they were now returning to work with zero leave remaining and a shared dream of one day taking time off together to sit down and do nothing.

More to come.

The post Working Parents Naturally Have Both Their Annual Leave Balances Deleted By School Holidays appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CRACKED IT!

Luke Hearn, 33, from Wellington, believed he had solved parenting on Saturday afternoon after observing two children for approximately seven minutes.

Hearn, who has no kids and is very single, came to this conclusion while visiting his friend Will Spence and his wife, parents of two children aged four and two. Upon arrival, Luke noticed both kids sitting calmly on the couch, eyes glued to an iPad, while the adults chatted uninterrupted for a handful of minutes.

“Geez, parenting looks pretty easy,” Hearn said confidently. “Just give them the iPad and they’re fine for the day, haha!”  Hearn said, unaware his comment could not be further from the actual truth or that he knows nothing about parenting.

Hearn arrived immediately after lunch, during a rare window where the children were fed, clean, dressed, and momentarily hypnotised by a highly engaging device. This led Luke to believe the iPad was the primary parenting tool, rather than a last resort after hours of consistent, responsible effort to raise bright, healthy children instead of brain-rotten zombies. 

Hearn appeared unaware of the effects of screen time for children, and naturally didn’t see the meltdowns that occurred later once the ipads were taken away. 

“I don’t see why people say it’s hard, haha,” Hearn added, sipping a beer from his mate’s fridge. “They’re just sitting there and look well entertained and calm, give em the iPad and they’re fine!”

At press time, Hearn remained unaware that the same children had earlier refused to wear pants, demanded snacks they already held, and screamed because their banana “broke wrong.”

Will Spence declined to argue with his childless friend, choosing instead to nod politely, a strategy he did to conserve energy for the inevitable random 2 am wake-up from his two year-old.

Parents nationwide confirmed Luke will understand one day, but agreed it was not worth explaining now.

More to come.

The post “Parenting’s Easy, Just Give Them The iPad Haha”, Says Bloke Who Doesn’t Have Kids appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SLOW LEARNER

Local two year old Noah Patterson confirmed this morning that today was once again the right day to place his fingers into the narrow gap on the hinge side of the lounge door and then close it.

The incident happened around 7:42am while Noah’s dad Mark was in the kitchen making toast and enjoying a brief illusion of calm. That illusion ended with a dull clack from the lounge followed by a short pause and then the scream.

“My finger!”

Mark already knew where this was going. He moved quickly but not urgently, as experience has taught him that speed does not prevent this outcome.

Noah was found crouched next to the door gripping his hand and staring at the hinge like it had betrayed him personally.

“Naughty door!” he said.

Mark picked him up and went through the routine of checking the finger, kissing the finger, using a soft voice. Everything a good dad is supposed to do.

Inside his head though Mark was torn between sympathy, confusion and disappointment. This wasn’t even close to the first time this had happened. The hinge side of the door has been explained, demonstrated and warned about many times.

Mark admitted that a small part of him wanted the pain to linger just long enough to leave a mark in Noah’s memory. Just enough pain to maybe connect two dots together.

“You’re alright mate,” Mark said. “That’s why we keep our fingers away from there.”

Noah continued crying for another minute until he realised that his finger was fine. His tears dried up quickly and the lesson slipped away just as fast.

Mark put him down and sighed deeply as Noah immediately wandered back toward the same door with fresh curiosity and no visible fear.

More to come. 

The post Toddler Decides Today Is A Good Day To Once Again Get His Fingers Jammed In The Door appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CAN’T SWITCH IT OFF

A Palmerston North father has admitted that the theme song from children’s television series Paw Patrol has taken up permanent residence in his brain.

Three-year-old Lucas Graham is currently obsessed with the animated rescue dogs, forcing his dad Mark to hear the “Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, be there on the double” jingle an estimated 20 times a day. The 36-year-old said the song has now invaded his private thoughts, creating a kind of low-level torture he cannot escape.

“I’ll be sitting at my desk at work trying to write an email, and suddenly there it is. Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, be there on the double,” Mark told reporters. “It’s like my inner voice has been replaced by animated dogs. I can’t even think my own thoughts anymore.”

The father says he has attempted to replace the song with more adult options, including Metallica and Dave Dobbyn, but the pups always win. “You think you’ve shaken it, and then Lucas asks if he can watch one more episode. The moment Ryder shows up on screen, it’s over. That hook is scientifically engineered to ruin parents.”

Mark’s wife Sarah sympathises but admits she secretly finds the whole thing funny. “He’ll be loading the dishwasher humming away without realising it. The other day he was mowing the lawns, and I could hear him muttering ‘whenever there’s a problem, round Adventure Bay’ under his breath.”

Experts say the Paw Patrol theme is part of a long tradition of children’s songs that infiltrate adult minds. “Parents become collateral damage,” said media analyst Claire Jensen. “The kids love it, but the tune is structured to sit on a loop in your head until you’re begging for silence.”

Mark remains upbeat despite his suffering. “At least it’s not Baby Shark. I’ll take Adventure Bay over that nightmare any day.”

More to come. 

The post Local Dad’s Inner Thoughts Plagued By Paw Patrol Theme appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SECRET SHAME

A Lower Hutt father has confessed to a guilty pleasure that he has carefully kept hidden from his wife and children.

Mark Jamieson, 35, says that when the bathroom is empty, he sometimes puts aside his normal Macleans Whitening adult toothpaste and reaches for the Bluey branded one meant for his two and four-year-old sons.

“It started as a joke, just to see what it tasted like,” he whispered. “But now I find myself sneaking a brush with it late at night. I wait until everyone’s gone to bed, then I pull out the Bluey tube. 

“My little secret,” he said with a weird wink.

Jamieson says the bubblegum-flavoured paste is far more exciting than the boring freshmint stuff adults routinely put up with. “It’s sweet and it gets the job done, honestly I don’t know why this stuff’s only for kids.”

Asked if his wife Anna knows about this habit, he shook his head. “Nah mate, I wouldn’t hear the end of it. She already gets annoyed when I eat the kids’ Tiny Teddies. Imagine if she knew I’d been working through their toothpaste too.”

The father of two has even developed strategies to cover his tracks. He carefully wipes the cap clean, squeezes the tube from the bottom like nothing’s happened, and makes sure to leave it sitting in the exact same place on the bathroom shelf.

“I’ve always heard that toothpaste doesn’t even do most of the cleaning anyway,” he reasoned. “It’s the brushing motion that matters. So what’s the harm if Dad gets a bit of Bluey in his life?”

Jamieson admitted the guilt does weigh on him. “Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror afterwards and wonder what I’ve become. But then I taste that bubblegum flavour and the shame quickly fades.”

At the time of writing, the Bluey tube was already running noticeably low.

More to come.

The post Local Dad Admits To Secretly Using The Kids’ Bluey Toothpaste When No-One’s Looking appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NEVER TAKE ME BACK

Mt Eden couple Hannah and Josh Nichol arrived home from a ‘relaxing’ winter getaway in Bali in absolute pieces today, having barely survived one of the most traumatic experiences of their comfortable, upper-middle class lives.

As the doting parents of two adorable toddlers, Zoey aged 18 months, and Samuel three, they’ve spent the last two years deep in the trenches of parenthood.

It’s been a grind, and Josh and Hannah rightly felt that their tired little family unit deserved a break from what’s been a prick of a kiwi winter. Somewhere they could relax and reconnect, without the daily juggle of work, daycare and soul-sapping admin.

Bali came highly recommended by friends, with its appealing mix of poolside relaxation, reasonably priced cocktails and the opportunity for some cultural excursions outside the confines of their 5 star resort. 

“It didn’t start well,” Josh recounted this morning as he drained a fourth bottle of Steinlager, his thousand yard stare reminiscent of Martin Sheen’s at the end of ‘Apocalypse Now.’ 

“I was really looking forward to the flight – having a graze, leaning into a few Pinots and catching a couple of new releases, it’s been a while since we went to the flicks.”

“Instead I spent the whole flight walking up and down the aisle, first with Zoe then with Samuel, who couldn’t sit still for two seconds.”

“We finally arrived at the resort 12 hours later, but the four hour time difference was a nightmare. The kids woke up at 3.30 every morning, and when they did actually sleep, it wasn’t long before they woke up again, freaked out about being in a strange place. So the four of us basically just squashed into our bed every night.”

Josh gave Bali what he would call “a generous 1 star out of 5”. 

“We could have gotten better value for money if we just started burning cash on a bonfire in the backyard.”

More to come. 

The post Overseas Holiday With Two Toddlers An Exhausting Waste Of Money appeared first on The Whakataki Times.