NOT WHO YOU’D EXPECT

25-year-old James* (who, for reasons of his own, only goes by “James”) works as an advisor in our nation’s parliament. James recently shared with friends that he’s spent the last two years accumulating top-secret intel on the MPs he works with. 

“I know who’s a good c***, and I know who’s a raging arsehole,” he said confidently as he sipped his oat milk latte. “But with that said, some things are better left unsaid.”

It’s clear that James is the very definition of “in the know” when it comes to the real lives of our politicians. He’s seen behind the curtains, beyond the carefully curated smiles, and into the depths of MPs’ true selves. But will he spill the beans? Of course not.

“I could tell you, but then I’d have to… you know… not work here anymore,” he said, with a knowing glance as if he was dropping some massive, cryptic bombshell. “But I’ll say this. A lot of people seem quite different to the way they’re shown in the media.”

James assures us that his insider information isn’t just based on “petty gossip” or “rumours from the floor,” but rather on his unparalleled access to the everyday life of MPs. 

“You’d be surprised at what happens when the cameras go off,” he says, his voice dripping with mystery.

Despite all of this, the lad remains a model of discretion. We asked if any MPs were particularly known for being rude or particularly nice, and he responded with a sigh, as if the weight of keeping these secrets was taking a toll on him. 

“There are some MPs who seem nice,” he said, pausing dramatically. “And then there are others. But hey, I won’t name names. Not my style.”

Instead, James expertly deflects by offering subtle clues and veiled hints, like some kind of political Sherlock Holmes, so the rest of us can read between the lines. “Some people, you just know who they are,” he says with a wink, clearly expecting us to piece together the puzzle for ourselves. “But you know… I’m just here to advise and serve, not to spill all the tea.”

James isn’t the first person in the world to claim access to juicy political gossip, but few do it with such unshakable self-assurance. And it’s clear that he’s enjoying the absolute power of knowing something everyone else doesn’t — while doing absolutely nothing with that knowledge.

“Hey it’s not about naming names, mate,” he says with a knowing nod. “It’s about the power of knowing.”

More to come. 

The post Parliamentary Service Lad Remains Tight-Lipped About Which MPs Are Dickheads In Real Life appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DUAL-PURPOSE FACE MASKS

After surveying 200 masked pedestrians on Molesworth Street on Monday, the Whakataki Times can report that 70% of respondents said their primary reason for their face covering was to stop the smell of human excrement at the anti-mandate drum and bass music festival.

Of that 70%, the second most important reason for mask-wearing was to slow the spread of Covid-19.

Thorndon resident Jacob Oldman said that he always wears his mask when entering shops or enclosed spaces, but admits that he usually takes it off when walking outside. “That’s apart from when I’m walking past parliament of course…

“I mean, there’s definitely a whoooole lot of covid in there. But I’m triple vaxxed, we’re in the open air, so to be honest the real reason I wear a mask is to block out the hideous stench”, said the 49 year old business analyst and amateur pet taxidermist. 

“How do they live like that? In a really warped way it’s kind of impressive that they can tolerate such a low standard of living.

“Makes you wonder what home must be like!”, said the comfortably well-off central Wellington home-owner. 

Part-time barista, Aro Valley resident and visible Greens voter Phoenix Granville had a different take on the situation. “It’s really interesting and inspiring to see the communal spirit come together with such limited resource, to reject the evil of capitalism, and expose it as the patriarchal tyranny that it is”, he said as he stared at his brand new iPhone 13. 

“I just wish they didn’t have to poo and wee everywhere”.  

More to come.

Want to keep up with more of the news that’s important? Instagram works well for that! Check out the Whakataki Times on Insta.

The post Mask-Wearers Passing By Parliament Mainly Trying To Block Out The Smell Of Poos And Wees appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY

Rebecca Black, singer of the ear-penetrating viral humiliator, Friday, is feeling as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. 

As Speaker of the House Trevor Mallard attempts to annoy anti-mandate protesters with a mix of Barry Manilow, Macarena and COVID-19 advertising, Ms Black is worried her 2011 offering will be next on the list.

Black shot to Youtube fame as a teenager 11 years ago, when she released a music video that was widely touted as the worst thing anyone had ever heard or seen. 

The Whakataki Times was unable to reach Black for comment, presumably because she’d turned her phone off to avoid further ridicule. 

Whakataki pop culture expert and gossip columnist Mojo Jones believes that depending on how much longer the protests go, Rebecca Black is very likely to end up on Mallard’s playlist. 

“If the Speaker of the House is thinking of updating his list, Friday has got to be on there. Like, if he really wants to annoy the protesters enough to make them get off his lawn, then that’s the song that’ll do it.” said the gossip blogger.

“I mean, with lyrics like Kickin’ in the front seat, Sittin’ in the back seat, Gotta make my mind up, Which seat can I take?…  imagine hearing that on repeat while you’re sitting in your tent, soaking wet at parliament”. 

James Blunt has also taken to Twitter, offering up his own punishing music to clear out the parliament grounds. 

More to come.

Want to keep up with more of the news that’s important? Instagram works well for that! Check out the Whakataki Times on Insta.

The post OPENING OLD WOUNDS: Rebecca Black Nervous That “Friday” Will Be Next On Trevor Mallard’s Playlist appeared first on The Whakataki Times.