Mask-Wearers Passing By Parliament Mainly Trying To Block Out The Smell Of Poos And Wees

couple walking past protests with masks on



After surveying 200 masked pedestrians on Molesworth Street on Monday, the Whakataki Times can report that 70% of respondents said their primary reason for their face covering was to stop the smell of human excrement at the anti-mandate drum and bass music festival.

Of that 70%, the second most important reason for mask-wearing was to slow the spread of Covid-19.

Thorndon resident Jacob Oldman said that he always wears his mask when entering shops or enclosed spaces, but admits that he usually takes it off when walking outside. “That’s apart from when I’m walking past parliament of course…

“I mean, there’s definitely a whoooole lot of covid in there. But I’m triple vaxxed, we’re in the open air, so to be honest the real reason I wear a mask is to block out the hideous stench”, said the 49 year old business analyst and amateur pet taxidermist. 

“How do they live like that? In a really warped way it’s kind of impressive that they can tolerate such a low standard of living.

“Makes you wonder what home must be like!”, said the comfortably well-off central Wellington home-owner. 

Part-time barista, Aro Valley resident and visible Greens voter Phoenix Granville had a different take on the situation. “It’s really interesting and inspiring to see the communal spirit come together with such limited resource, to reject the evil of capitalism, and expose it as the patriarchal tyranny that it is”, he said as he stared at his brand new iPhone 13. 

“I just wish they didn’t have to poo and wee everywhere”.  

More to come.

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