SENSIBLE KIWI

A Manawatu commuter has devised the ultimate hack for saving on fuel as prices continue to rise: disassembling her vehicle.

Samantha O’Connell is an office worker in Palmerston North by day, says the global oil crisis has caused her commute to and from the CBD to become unaffordable.

“I am the face of the office, the person who greets all our clients. I just can’t work from home, but getting to work was costing me an hour’s wages!”

After hearing from Finance Minister, Nicola Willis, this week, O’Connell realised she knew exactly what she needed to do to overcome the fuel price crunch.

“Minister Willis was right. Us sensible kiwis already know how to be economical with fuel. Like, duh, of course I borrow my mum’s car if I want to go do groceries.”

The challenge, according to O’Connell, was not how to be economical, but how to save money. As of this morning, it’s a challenge she claims to have cracked. Beaming with pride, she explained:

“It was just simple physics, really. Take out the seats, remove the doors, pull out the spare tyre and rip off the hub caps. Easy! The total mass of my vehicle is down by 30%.”

O’Connell speculates that she is the first Kiwi to have figured out this fuel-saving hack, but encourages others to do the same. 

“Like honestly, you don’t even need any tools to do it. Just a really big knife and some brute force will do it.”

When asked if she had tested the performance of her newly modified vehicle, O’Connell was less enthused.

“Yeah, so I accidentally cut the ignition cable.”

O’Connell has since topped up her Snapper card and intends to travel by bus for the remainder of the week.

More to come.

The post Commuter Looking For Ways To Save Money On Fuel Removes Seats From Car appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ELECTRIC SILENCE

Justin Price, 32, discovered the true cost of being different. While colleagues at his Christchurch office groaned about the skyrocketing petrol prices, Justin, a proud EV owner, found himself ducking behind his laptop to avoid “the shame of privilege.”

“It started on Monday,” Justin recalled, sipping his ethically sourced oat milk. “I mentioned, very casually, that I hadn’t filled up a petrol car in a while. Within two minutes, everyone was telling me how $3.10 unleaded 91 was going to bankrupt them, and I realized… maybe silence is golden.”

Indeed, petrol prices in New Zealand have surged dramatically, with unleaded 91 jumping 10 cents in two days, pushing the average past $3.10, nearly a 20% increase in less than a month due to the war in Iran. 

Diesel wasn’t spared either, climbing nearly a dollar to an average of $2.80. Fuel stations ran dry in some areas, panic-buying whispers filled the air, and Finance Minister Nicola Willis urged calm.

Justin, however, remained the elephant in the room.

 “I really wanted to say something about how I charge my EV car at home for the price of a café latte, but the office really wasn’t ready for that conversation,” he admitted. “Now, I just nod, make sympathetic noises, and occasionally ask which petrol station has the lowest price. It’s… complicated.”

Justin’s newfound restraint may be saving office morale, but it hasn’t come without internal suffering. “It’s hard,” he confessed. “Every time someone groans about paying $3.10 a litre, I want to scream, ‘I haven’t been near a petrol station at all!’ But then I remember that silence is cheaper than an argument, and probably better for everyone’s blood pressure.

More to come.

The post Local EV Driver Quickly Learns To Keep Quiet During Office Chat About Petrol Prices appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HEY SORRY TO HEAR THAT!

New Zealanders have wholeheartedly offered their condolences to Australians who are all of a sudden suffering pain at the petrol pump, with prices going up to a whopping $2.21 for Unleaded 91.

This is noting of course that the kiwi dollar has been worth around ninety-something Australian cents for the last 6-7 years.

Our reporters caught up with locals filling their tanks at the Whakataki Challenge station, who had an outpouring of sympathy to our great mates across the ditch.

“Oh wow, $2.21 did you say? Gee, do they have a Give A Little or a Go Fund Me page? I’ll send them a donation right now!” Kyle Walker, 33, said in a believably sympathetic tone. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me? Tell them to fuel up now – it may even get to $2.30 in Aussie at this rate. I hope they’ll be able to survive!” Anna Collins, 26, who regularly fills her tank at a significantly higher price than that.

“Omg, thoughts and prayers! Anything I can do for them?” said Cayley Watkins, 23, in a melodramatically concerned display. 

All three who gave comments to The Whakataki Times then helplessly watched as their total fuel bill ticked upwards at $3.20 per litre, as they slowly but surely lost the will to live. 

More to come.

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The post WTF?: Australia Complains About 91 Unleaded at $2.21 Per Litre appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RIDE TO SURVIVE!

Greg Matthews’ cheeks were still sore from grinning when he burst through the door of his employer this morning.

Matthews, a retail assistant at All Sports Whanganui, was looking happier than he’d ever been, arriving earlier than usual just as petrol prices had ticked over three dollars per litre.

“Ya didn’t think about taking the bus today did ya? Might have been a bit less painful than a couple of trips here in the car,” sniggered the 32 year-old to his colleague, while still dressed head to toe in lycra. 

“Well I didn’t want to arrive here drenched in sweat did I?” said fellow retail assistant Clara Nicholson, 23. She was fully aware that her co-worker was once again making a point about how he cycled from his home to work as petrol prices skyrocketed.

The Whakataki Times reporters sought comment from Matthews, who was more than happy to be interviewed about his choice to cycle to work.

“Bikes don’t need petrol to run do they?” he said with a mile-wide smile beaming across his face.

“Zero emissions and zero noise!” Matthews cackled to himself, before reporters could even ask him a follow up question.

Matthews then explained to reporters that they could catch him at a local cafe with other cyclists on any given weekend, wearing full lycra of course, assumably assaulting the eyes of the general public.

But it was Ms. Nicholson who had the final say to our reporters.

“I can’t stand these petrol price hikes, but I can’t stand that smile on his face either. I’d actually rather keep paying more at the pump than admit that he’s right. 

“Yeah if I started cycling or taking the bus now then that would make him even more unbearable, so that’s not an option.

“Guess I’ll have to try and get some extra shifts.”

More to come.

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