DO YA MISS ME WHEN I’M GONE?

The ‘unruly travellers’ who once apparently ‘wrecked havoc’ by descending on the country’s North Island for a summer holiday in 2019 are looking pretty damn good in comparison to the angry mob of 1,000 protesters who have drained police resources, threatened the public and continue to block off central Wellington during their now two-week long protest outside Parliament. 

One of the ‘unruly’ tourists, Johnny Goodman, said he was perplexed at how their month-long stay in New Zealand in 2019 resulted in them getting called ‘Irish scum’ with a tirade of hate and headlines.

“We just left a bit of rubbish at Takapuna Beach, didn’t mean to cause any harm. Who doesn’t leave the odd beer box by accident on the sand dunes?” Goodman said in a polite and apologetic manner.

As tensions continue to rise outside Parliament with police now kitting themselves in riot gear, Goodman was shocked and saddened to hear about the treatment of police and the public.

“I would never throw acid or human faeces like the chimpanzees at the protest in Wellington, that’s just damn wrong”  Goodman said to The Whakataki Times reporters, who were not abused whilst interviewing Goodman or sent death threats for just doing their job.

One member of the Wellington public Alana Myer, 24, offered her thoughts on the situation. “Oh god can we please bring those British tourists back? Let them skip the MIQ queue. It’d fix-up the news cycle at least. I guess you don’t know how good you have it until it’s gone.”

More to come.

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SEND IN THE BIG GUNS

New Zealand Police have put the fear of God into anti-mandate protesters on Parliament grounds today, after making a threat to send in a grumpy old man demanding they get the hell off his lawn.  

Sid Barnes, 72, spoke with Police Commissioner Andrew Coster this morning. “For the last 20 years I’ve been scaring the living shit out of kids who think it’s their personal right to just walk across the front of my lawn. Like hell it is! Get the hell off my damn lawn!! ” said Barnes, whose face had now turned a few shades redder.

“Bloody kids hitting bloody tennis balls over my fence! My tennis ball now!” 

Coster said calling up lawncare enthusiast Barnes to yell in a red-faced, fist-clenched fit of rage may be the solution after four days of struggle to disperse protesters.  “I think we can all agree there’s nothing more frightening than an angry old man spooking you from his doorstep with demands to remove yourself from his property.”

While exercising their right to protest, many of the people involved have also been clogging up essential roads, abusing the public and bringing nearby businesses to a stand-still since no one wants a bar of the CBD at the moment. 

Local fence-sitter Ben Jones said that while he himself is fully vaccinated, the psychology of disease and vaccines, along with the appropriate role and reach of government and mental health associated with an increasingly isolated society is a complex issue. He also said that the more we let ourselves be divided as a society, the less chance we have of communicating constructively and coming to a reasonable compromise.

“Yeah it’s all a bit fucked ay”, Jones summarised. 

The Whakataki Times was unable to get further comment from Mr Barnes, due to him being overwhelmed with excitement at the prospect of giving a bunch of troublemakers a bloody good telling off.

More to come. 

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