Police Threaten to Send In Grumpy Old Man Yelling “Get Off My Lawn!”

Grumpy man shakes yells at protesters



New Zealand Police have put the fear of God into anti-mandate protesters on Parliament grounds today, after making a threat to send in a grumpy old man demanding they get the hell off his lawn.  

Sid Barnes, 72, spoke with Police Commissioner Andrew Coster this morning. “For the last 20 years I’ve been scaring the living shit out of kids who think it’s their personal right to just walk across the front of my lawn. Like hell it is! Get the hell off my damn lawn!! ” said Barnes, whose face had now turned a few shades redder.

“Bloody kids hitting bloody tennis balls over my fence! My tennis ball now!” 

Coster said calling up lawncare enthusiast Barnes to yell in a red-faced, fist-clenched fit of rage may be the solution after four days of struggle to disperse protesters.  “I think we can all agree there’s nothing more frightening than an angry old man spooking you from his doorstep with demands to remove yourself from his property.”

While exercising their right to protest, many of the people involved have also been clogging up essential roads, abusing the public and bringing nearby businesses to a stand-still since no one wants a bar of the CBD at the moment. 

Local fence-sitter Ben Jones said that while he himself is fully vaccinated, the psychology of disease and vaccines, along with the appropriate role and reach of government and mental health associated with an increasingly isolated society is a complex issue. He also said that the more we let ourselves be divided as a society, the less chance we have of communicating constructively and coming to a reasonable compromise.

“Yeah it’s all a bit fucked ay”, Jones summarised. 

The Whakataki Times was unable to get further comment from Mr Barnes, due to him being overwhelmed with excitement at the prospect of giving a bunch of troublemakers a bloody good telling off.

More to come. 

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