HEY, SETTLE WILL YA?

Local misfit Vinny Pullman has made a scene at a Queen Street house party, after his long time crush Ursula Kraus rejected him after he claimed that they “belonged together”.

“Ursula! We belong together my darling, your people and my people are the same!” he was heard screaming after his third beer.

The Whakataki Times can confirm that Pullman and Kraus had had a long term relationship previously, however Ms Kraus says that relationship was completely toxic and is now “ancient history”. 

“He was so controlling, I was walking around on egg shells, just really abusive and there’s no way I’m going back there”, said Kraus defiantly. 

Party-goer Nathan Oldman, known by his friends as “Nate-O”, was visibly concerned about the whole thing. “Vinny’s always been a really weird guy but now I’m worried that he’s attempting to force Ursula to be his girlfriend again. Which is really not okay”.

“Also, he’s an idiot for being like this, because the shop he owns in town depends on his customers, and we’re all here at this party! Like, if he’s being a dick to Ursula, who we all love and think is awesome, then people are gonna stop buying stuff from him and he’ll go out of business.”

“Seriously, just calm down mate, move on..”, said Nate-O, shaking his head. 

More to come.

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The post Weird Angry Guy At Party That Everyone’s Telling To Calm Down Refuses To Calm Down appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BLACK OR GOLD?

Juliet Emerson, 27, has had a refreshing wave of nostalgia wash over her after seeing the ‘The dress’ pop up on her Facebook ‘Memories’ this morning.

“Ah, it’s definitely still black and blue,” the Whakataki marketing assistant said to herself with confidence, while reminiscing about a simpler time in her life.

The viral dress dominated world headlines in 2015 after viewers had heated debates about whether it was coloured black and blue or white and gold. 

It was a nice change for Emerson’s social media feed, which has been completely flooded with news and controversy around MIQ, protests in Wellington about the Government’s vaccine mandates and the current Russian invasion of Ukraine.

“Gee, times have changed. My family used to be at each other’s throats about our differences on the colour of some viral dress on the internet, now we are mostly at a war of words about whether wearing a mask and getting the jab is in breach of our human rights,” Emerson whimpered to the Whakataki Times reporters.

As she scrolled through the comments on her old Facebook post, Emerson explained how she would welcome back the old kind of division in society in a heartbeat. 

“I’d give anything to just be arguing with my Mum and sister about how they could be so bloody blind to the fact that this dress is clearly black and blue and not white and gold. The last few weeks I’ve been having quarrels with them about whether the protesters outside Parliament should just go home or not. Bring back some arguments about the bloody dress colour!” Emerson said, looking like she was about to engage in another dress debate.

Emerson then decided to take the news cycle back into her own hands by replying to her sister Rosie’s 2015 comment saying the dress was white and gold, with the comment ‘#blackandblue’.

More to come

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The post Local News Junkie Remembers When The Biggest Controversy Was The Colour Of A Dress appeared first on The Whakataki Times.